ok, now this is a... sort of rough draft of the poem. its complete but i made almost no revisions to the original.
i also took into consideration some of the comments people made about my style of writing.
i made the rhyme scheme abab, and the syllable scheme 9-7;9-7, though the stress on the syllables probably isn't correct (im pretty much terrible when it comes to that) and even added a few symbols (again im bad with symbology so you might not catch it)
im seriously considering revisions to stanza transitions, and a few lines in the stanza 3 and 4. at any rate here it is :/


February 14th

I woke up the fourteenth by your side
and i thought this cant be real
To have a woman like you defied
anything that i could feel

But as i awoke and rubbed my eyes,
I saw you get in the tub,
grabbed my keys with intent to suprise
--off to the cannibis club!

babe i packed this bowl for me and you
let us have a little smoke
So we can do what those bad kids do
oh, the feelings you invoke.

i bought roses this valentines day
And theyre meant for only you
Come with me to dance to the DJ
Well stay out tonight till two

but if we dont make it out the door
i promise i wont say no
for tonight, it's our love we'll restore
while watching the melting snow.

Say "i love you" on this holiday
as i see that gorgeous face.
now in bed doing a love ballet
and once more by the fireplace

the fifthteenth is here but ill still say
"I will love you till the end"
And the smile on your face will portray
The time with which we spend.

This post was edited by Kamikizzle on Feb 12 2009 12:20am

Okay here's the thing, the poem is too personal. By personal, I mean it correlates with only the speaker and a certain girl. It includes all the ways he feels for her, but not a single reason why the reader should be able to feel the same, and place themselves in the speakers spot.

This might work if it were a song, but somehow it's more befitting on a Valentines day card. It's upbeat, and quick-paced, leaving out most of the emotional sensation.

From the first line "I woke up the fourteenth" syllable measure or not, it's more proper to add "on" the fourteenth.


Here's what I find positive: You're starting to get into more complex forms instead of AABB. You're still trying to ryhme too much with cliche lines like "this can't be real" but you're starting to get better at ending it. The last stanza does give a good closure.


Very interested in what's to come, hopefully even more bold and innovative.

i definately see what you mean when you say its impersonal for the reader.
how would you suggest i include more emotions tat the reader can connect with? should i add a stanza or two, or make revisions to existing ones?
i included alot more things the couple does, but not really any descriptions about them

STOP TRYING

You have a sentimental topic. There's nothing you can do when the subject is a Hallmark holiday. It's the sort of poem you write to someone instead of worrying about getting it published. The smoking topic is a little banal too. I smoke, but putting it in poetry is a little too "easy" if that makes any sense. You need to work on finding your literary voice. Oh well, damn me for not giving more specific suggestions.

yea im not really sure i understand what you mean at all :/

its good but Holland's right..i didnt feel the connection

...You're kidding right?

By your definition, most of Edgar Allan Poe or Slyvia Plath's work, in your words, would be flawed because it "is too personal." The most herald poets of our time didn't write for the reader, they wrote it for themselves...take Ann Bradstreet for example. Your definition of personal poetry doesn't make any sense.


I don't think we should critique the specifics, there really is no right and wrong in poetry, it's all about personal style. Anyway, I thought it was a fun read. It's pretty refreshing from his usual work.

This post was edited by Hanmin on Feb 17 2009 05:17am

If you can name an example of a work by any of the mentioned writers that examplifies your reasoning, I'll be glad to point out the differences in mine.

Edgar Allan Poe's To Hellen and To My Mother
Slyvia Plath's Daddy and Lady Lazarus.
Ann Bradstreet's Upon the Burning of Our House

All these writings were very personal, in the case of some, like Poe, they released some of their poems under pseudonym. Some authors such as Bradstreet didn't expect their writings to be released. They weren't intended to anyone but themselves...a few of her poems are about her daily chores and tales of motherhood. The less of her famous ones would ONLY appeal to her. For Poe, a good chunk of his writing is him obsessing over previous and lost lovers..."to Lenore," to his lost wife Hellen, etc. You can't get more personal than that.



I dont really care. I was just correcting an ignorant statement.