so my friend got expelled from school and drew me a stick figure pic


The Life of a Stick Figure

Here I lay in but two dimensions
Drawn by Kara with too many suspensions
Bored all day with nothing to do
For all i can do is stare back at you

I am so sad out here in the rain
Trying to disolve these tears that would stain
Make me feel better, to you i implore
So mine heart won't ache nor will evermore

Another drawn friend is all that i want
Not like me but in a different font
Draw me a meadow or bridge or sea
So we can sail this sea and both be free

Can you feel this joy and smell in the air,
On our drawn sea so fresh and fair
We'll sail to where the sea meets the sky
And this is where i must say goodbye

For you drew me a friend; thats all i would need
For my dull life to change and succeed
Oh, how your kindness would fill me with glee
As my 2-D life now feels 3-D

i appreciated the moderism, love the pic. very flattering to u who offers endearment
i might recommend experimenting w/ a stanza that more strongly solidifies ur relationship w/ k
its unclear wat the state of attraction is and the reader is curious. erm im assuming ur a male lol
ur meter is improved, i wud suggest u dont worry about ur end rhymes so much. thats for pros rly.
dont let rhyme's mold wat u say. say wat u want and if the rhyme isnt perfect, so wat?
im assuming u consider this a finished work ofc, since u didnt say otherwise.
ne hoo, gj and i look forward to ur next work.

If you find that it does not read smoothly try a different syllable pattern.

Very endearing and sweet, I like your poem :]

why not try to write poems with different stanzas? i've read most of your poems, and they're really good, but you seem like a one-dimensional writer.

omg that is an awesome poem...
too good to be rated =)

im stillconsidering revisions, i had jotted this down in about 20 minutes after she sent me the pic so there is still alot of room for improvement

@poot and han
what do you mean by different syllable pattern/stanza

This post was edited by Kamikizzle on Jan 19 2009 10:07pm

Line 1 : 5 syllables
Line 2 : 7 syllables
Line 3 : 5 syllables

When crafting poems
Do it right and take your time
Write with space in mind

ummm no

HERE POEM :
LICK MY ICE CREAM
AND I WILL GIVE YOU A DELICIOUS CREAM

You mind if I write one about this picture to?
(sorry I like permission to use other peoples inspirations, The picture just opened something inside.)

This post was edited by Belldandy on Jan 20 2009 03:38pm