Title: A Diamond Goat (personal joke)
Introduction

The prestige chariot of the Roman warlord cheered near the palace of his mistress. Such the divine body of his mistress was magnified by lack of clothing, which left men frothing phlegm from the most abstruse areas. The cape that chastified the Roman's back glided across the arabesque staircase leading up to the front door, where the curious eclectic architecture further defined the luxury in which his mistress could afford and would afford to boast of her financial standing. The Roman's hand seized the door handle that curved in a swaying motion that dignified that sea waves crashing miles away from the grassland in which the house stood erected, protected by the granite wall that stood shorter than the palace itself yet not high enough to protect the eggshell-white walls of the palace from the sun's perspirating taint. His movements slowed and his vision blurred as he grunted from a sudden numbing feeling that retarded his legs underneath him and forced him to kneel forward, slamming his knee upon the door. The sound echo'd within the house and one of the female attendants opened the door as the damsel appeared on the balcony above to see what has caused commotion within her quiet palace. The warlord's chariot ran away and the muffled sound of the opened door was closed as a crossbow fell from within the chariot, quickly smashed between the wheel and the pebbles beneath.



This post was edited by Arcolithe on Jun 13 2008 05:17pm

what the fuck is this?

Sorry it's aimed for the mature and intellectual audience.

I'll need a little more information if you want a critique. Is this just personal writing, or is it for a high-school/college level class?

Personal writing really.
But I aim for any kind of critique that amounts to perfection.

My strength in words isn't so strong and I try to materalize characters as my main focus.

I know I'm not good which is why I'm posting here asking for any kind of mature critiques.

Too much description mate. You need to lower the amount of detail in the paragraph. It'll draw away from the storyline.

The Diamond Goat
Continuation:
The shrill cries of the mistress was heard around the palace, however this was normal, for the cries of both the mistress and the warlord was heard throughout day and night from deep within the bedrooms, but for now, the mistress screamed alone. She looked at the paling face of her beloved warlord whom was frothin phlegm and blood through the mouth, the bolt still sticking through the back as she wanted to cherish his livelyness as it still existed, but of course, he was dead inside. It mattered not for her, she wanted one final turn, climbing atop her beloved giant she prepared the fornication in which she lustly has done so one final time with her dead fiancee. Of course such pleasures turning to the simper sombers as she fought back the tears that threatened her face.
The author of this story looked around, admiring his bachelors life. He looked toward the bathroom to his left, glancing at the decayed clothe that seemed molded to a point where it was barren of any living creatures because of the mephitic aura which caressed whomever dared to trespass. A quake threatening to crumble him in half had upset his stomache, and to that, he turned towards his kitchen in which to fulfill his tedious human needs (as he thought it was). Glancing towards his sink, he saw that his oversized cocaroach hotel has become well employed and in full service, however most still scattered at the time he flicked the light switch on that threatened to melt them or blind them, defying their dark ways. A single roach stood atop of an upside down cup in which it blatently challenged the bachelor, ignorant of the size of the bachelor but probably seeing him as an equal due to the soggy attire of the bachelor. Ignoring this, the bachelor opened up his fridge to feel the cool air rescuing his bare shoulders from the summer heat that even attacked in the night, as neither the cool pluvial downfall or the seeping alluvial floor which seeped from his sink...prevented.

The Fridge
It was when he reached for the...

This post was edited by Arcolithe on Jun 16 2008 11:39pm

I just plucked this from your first paragraph, and I agree with Shadowman a bit. You are sometimes overly descriptive, and it does take away focus from your story. It might not even be that actually. In my opinion, you also put too much action in your sentences sometimes...for example, just look at the first sentence. Commas are overly used when you could have just split the sentences into two separate forms to keep the overall story in-tune and focused.

You write formally, which leads the story to sound very stagnant sometimes. I could not establish a flow or a pace with your story.

How long have you been writing btw? It's very raw, but it's still very good writing non-the-less.

This post was edited by Hanmin on Jun 19 2008 08:09am

This is actually my first writing piece so far, I decided since I'm unprofessionl, unschooled (or self schooled), JSP seemed like a not bad place to start. Thanks for the descriptive comments, reading it again, just after reaching the first comma, I guess I can now agree with shadow and you, especially on the stagnant part.

As for the "flow or pace", and the "very raw" part, this has been completely freestyled, so it is technically raw, and I guess I have no flow or pace while freestyle writing, which I'll have to practice having a flow or pace for the finished product.

By the way, the three dots was because I hit continue, hence the edit mark down below.

Curious, how would you (or anyone reading this) re-phrase the first sentence, as it does seem to be a run-on (or have, not sure how to say it right, but a run-on seems to be amidst)

Pretty good, nice vocab (if u didnt thesaurus everything)