at my high school theres a litterary magazine every year where students can submit poems, photos artwork etc. and i plan on submitting this two poems, and would like to know what you think:
Who Could It Be?
Once upon a time at a cabin in December
This night however, I would always remember.
Fast asleep in my warm, cozy bed
Dreaming away, but I thought someone said
A word or two just outside my porch
And a light emitting, did he have a torch!?
At midnight I go to see what he wanted
But no one was there, was I being haunted?
No tracks in the snow, no signs of another.
Perhaps it could my be poor, late mother?
No, not her, for long long ago
She said she was leaving, and to just let go.
Then who could it be, this ghostly sight?
I knew I heard someone in the middle of night.
Perhaps it could be a lifetime foe,
Who beyond the grave still wishes me woe.
No, him neither, for when he had died
He said he forgave me and I've no need to hide.
Then who could it be, outside in the cold?
If he's to wake me, he's sure to be bold.
Then I saw it once more in a blink of an eye!
The light, once again, would flash and die.
Then I had realized just how simple it was,
The light I had seen was my bug zapper's buzz.
But who then the voice crying a deep, low "You..."
I know I had heard it, I know it is true.
Above my head, again I had heard;
This time to find a night owl bird.
These simple events gave me a shock--
'Tis One AM struck my grandfather clock.
Expecting to see an apparition be caught,
My mind is now whirling and deeply distraught.
A bug and owl played tricks with my head.
From there I decide to head up back to bed
And from that day forth I would always remember
That one, strange night in middle December.
first off in this stanza i want to know if its clear i'm saying my mother has past away, and not simply left:
No tracks in the snow, no signs of another.
Perhaps it could my be poor, late mother?
No, not her, for long long ago
She said she was leaving, and to just let go.
then i would like to know which one looks better one without punctuation or the one with it.
Who Could It Be?
Once upon a time at a cabin in December
This night however, I would always remember
Fast asleep in my warm, cozy bed
Dreaming away, but I thought someone said
A word or two just outside my porch
And a light emitting, did he have a torch!?
At midnight I go to see what he wanted
But no one was there was I being haunted
No tracks in the snow, no signs of another
Perhaps it could my be poor, late mother
No, not her for long long ago
She said she was leaving and to just let go
Then who could it be, this ghostly sight
I knew I heard someone in the middle of night
Perhaps it could be a lifetime foe
Who beyond the grave still wishes me woe
No, him neither for when he had died
He said he forgave me and I've no need to hide
Then who could it be outside in the cold
If he's to wake me he's sure to be bold
Then I saw it once more in a blink of an eye!
The light, once again, would flash and die
Then I had realized just how simple it was
The light I had seen was my bug zapper's buzz
But who then the voice crying a deep, low "You..."
I know I had heard it I know it is true
Above my head again I had heard
This time to find a night owl bird
These simple events gave me a shock--
'Tis One AM struck my grandfather clock
Expecting to see an apparition be caught
My mind is now whirling and deeply distraught
A bug and owl played tricks with my head
From there I decide to head up back to bed
And from that day forth I would always remember
That one strange night in middle December
this being the second.
now some backround on it: i live in a suburban area called chino hills and obviously its very hilly. and when it rains (which it hasn't in some time) the hills turn a magnificant green.
My Angel
I saw your beauty once upon a time
I swore "I must make that angel mine."
To not know your name would be such a curse;
A path in which I will traverse,
To the ends of the earth: to hear your voice,
To see your smile, to make me your choice.
Enjoying the view from the canyon hills
--just being with you gives me the chills
Of nervousness and excitement all—
Savoring the moonlight deep in Fall.
I feel as though it is my duty
To be the counterpart of your beauty,
Which shines as bright as the radiant sun
That lights the path in which I run.
Your smile alone will restore the green
Of the once gorgeous hilly scene,
In Chino Hills which I remember;
for I wish to be your only contender.
But if away from me you chose to go
Then I will not ever get to show
The kind of person I can be.
But only if you follow me
Will we live a life in which
You would never trade, nor ever switch.
I saw your beauty once upon a time,
And said, "By God that angel is truly mine"
what do you guys think of these two?