Quote (Carpe_Diem @ Wed, Feb 6 2008, 09:48am)
I have seen the new moon, but not you
I have seen sunsets and sunrises,
but nothing of your beautiful face
I miss you like the sun misses the flower;
like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter.
Instead of beauty to direct its light to,
the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to.
I will find it empty and in the winter if you are not there.
Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and the night.
The hope that after you're gone from my sight,
it will not be the last time that I look upon you.
^ here's yours.
consider the following changes.
I have seen the new moon, but not you
I have seen sunrises and sunsets,
but nothing of your beautiful face
I miss you like the flower misses the sun
in the depths of winter.
Instead of your beauty to direct its light to,
my heart hardens like the frozen world
your absence has banished it to.
I will find it empty and cold if you're gone.
Hope guides me, and helps me through the day and the night.
The hope that after you're gone,
it will not be the last time that I see you.
i understand that using more words, and phrases
like "look upon you" may seem to make it sound better
and more "romantic," but this is a false pretense
that many writers fall victim to. less is more
in most cases. your general idea behind it is great,
and a few revisions will perfect it. it's kind of hard to
criticize poetry, because poetry is what your heart feels,
and, when you sit down to write, what it tells your
head to write. but again, less is more.
you may choose to use my revisions, you may not.
either way, i'm definitely impressed with your abilities.
i, myself, am a writer, and have been for
the past 6 years. it's good to see more writers around.