This is a toughie.
For your first work, it's really good.
But all writers have to edit, edit, edit.
I'm assuming you don't want to be a serious writer(?) So I'm gonna go easy on you.
But I do have to say that you should think about changing your major rhythm theme.
That kind of rhythm typically signifies a lighter mood... and I think you're going for something more serious?
If you're really attached to the rhythm, then I would suggest studying Edgar Allan Poe, since he's the only poet that successfully utilized similar rhythms for a darker subject matter.
(Though he is not very popular in modern poetry circles).
Just play around with writing it in different styles.
Look at some poets who have covered similar subjects and see what kind of styles they used.
Good luck!
Kudos on your bravery for putting it out there.
p.s. just ask yourself these questions with everything you write: Why this word? Why there?
7.5/10 for sheer guts and for your first writing attempt ever
p.p.s poetry doesn't have to rhyme.
it's generally a good idea to avoid making word choices solely for a rhyme.
This post was edited by gidget on Jun 27 2009 11:35am