it kinda sucked... alot

although i prolly couldnt do any better :S

it is okish i think.

a bit too emo
too much 'suicide'

At first I thought It was a joke... thats how bad I think it is, people usually "try too hard" to make a poem look good, like you did, it sucked, it has no real substance, no story, nothing... and you are right, rhymes doesnt matter that much, however you should try to write a poem about something that is happening with you, or happened, or whatever that makes sense lol... your trying too hard to look dark/emo even though you dont quite tell us a story. SUBSTANCE+STORY, this is the main thing...

This post was edited by Madstrike on May 25 2007 09:14am

not badd _

It sucks

Bad

alright, just FYI i'm an english major so i hope i have a better idea of what I'm talking about than all the 11 year olds here to discuss their harry potter lunchbox. Not that i'm trying to insult anyone in particular, but there definitely ARE those people around and their opinions are...i hate to say it...less important

anyway, lets see...well main problems are that the metaphors don't make a lot of sense...I have no idea what the sands and whatnot have to do with suicide. Also desert winds don't grunt. The whole poem seems to move away from suicide, but at the end he "is" a suicide, which goes against the direction the rest of your poem was. Also, while i understand freeverse fine, it doesn't have much of a rhythm to it at all.

Yup, sorry to rag on you but I figure people can use help more than compliments in the long run.

sux^^