Ahhhhhh, I've finally got a job, which is my new reason to not write as often. Also, League of Legends has swallowed my soul.
I have written a little bit more past what's on here, but not enough to add on here yet.

Awwh, well take your time, and hows LoL going? Playing on NA serverS?^

I... did not like the intro, but as far as the rest of it went I was impressed.

I felt like the dream part, which i'm guessing is when this apocalyptic world/zombies thing came from, did not have a proper flow.
You did great when it came to first person, but I didn't like the way your first people related to a observation.

Especially the sentence where the man dropped his cell phone, it felt empty to me.

A man looks down at the cell phone he is carrying as it shocks him, and he lets the device fly from his hand.

I would change it like this.

A man cringes and drops his cellphone as it produces a small shock.

I would also add a description to the man. As humans are more familiar to us we envision them, but some description wouldn't hurt either. Other than A man there is nothing relating to him other than his action, and his further damage later on. I think it'd be easier to imagine with a bit of description, even if it isn't a feature description.

A business man on his cellphone cringes and drops it as the explosion caused it to shock him.

I think something like this would be good, as since this was a traumatic experience he would notice things in high detail so it would be good if it wasn't hazy.

I'm just being this picky because this was the only thing I didn't like out of your two chapters. It could also be because we both like different types of writing styles xD. Hope this helps somehow.

Thanks xD
I might try to add some more details, but I kind of have some reasoning for the way it's written. I wanted the intro to be detached, almost emotionless, to set the mood. However, it wouldn't hurt to describe the man a bit I suppose. =)
When I wrote that, I was in the middle of reading a collection of all Lovecraft's stories, so I think I wrote a bit more like he did xD

Anyway, it's very likely I will change the intro. Since I wrote it about 3 or 4 years ago, it's changed a lot.
Every time I start writing again, I go through and read it all and end up changing a bunch of stuff too.

Anyway, thanks for reading and leaving some feedback. I really want to write some more but there's so much other stuff going on =/


/e Looking at the intro, I'm thinking of changing the following things:
A man (in a suit) looks down at the phone....
It seems as though a thousand rockets are taking off from a nearby building (as he ducks and throws his arms over his head [neatly trimmed hair?]).
... coming to a stop inches from my face. The sweet scent of hair gel mixes with the metallic stench of blood.

I don't know why, but I really like that last bit xD
Not necessarily how it's written now, it sounds weird. But I think somehow mentioning the gel and blood seems like a cool idea, idk.
LMK what you think of these changes? =)

This post was edited by furbyjs on Jul 12 2013 05:48pm

yup that works im not a professional by any means but that seems more appealing to me.

Up!!!!!



League is going well xD and yeah, NA. Unfortunately I'm no longer just a full time student but have a job on the side, so very little free time =/

I think I may have written a bit more after the end of chapter 2, but not entirely sure. I'm going to have to find it on my desktop and put the file on my laptop once again.

Anyway, if anyone knew has any feedback, it's appreciated!

This post was edited by furbyjs on Aug 22 2013 03:28pm

So I sat down an hour ago with the intention of writing some more. I had a great idea on how to progress it, and an even better idea for the ending. However, I realized I still have yet to get the document from my desktop, which won't boot up. =/ So I'm going to have to dig around the HD a bit tomorrow, or whenever I get a chance to.

Anyway, I guess I'll bump again for anyone who hasn't read it yet, and just maybe would like to.

I've been thinking a lot about other things to write, and there's been one idea lately that just won't leave me alone: ancient/hidden civilizations. I don't know why, I keep thinking about temples hidden deep in jungles, a race of people thought to be extinct (or never known about, even), possibly alien planets, I don't know. The whole idea of exploring the unknown just piques my interest. Does something like this seem like it would make an interesting short story?

I don't know if it would be pure "adventure," as those always seemed kind of boring to me. I was thinking of having some horror or psychological edge.

But yeah, throw me some feedback on Aeternus Mortuus if you haven't already, or maybe your thoughts on this new story I've been thinking about.

Thanks!

So I have an introduction to Chapter 3, but nothing after it. I guess I'll go ahead and post it since it's been a few months.

With a cold, quiet voice, a man snarled, “Give me everything you have, any weapons, ammunition, and provisions. Toss that bag on the ground.” I comply. I’m not going to risk my life over a mugging. As I drop my belongings, the mugger shoves me in the small of my back. “Go towards that door over there.” I turn slightly and move towards the indicated back entrance of what was probably a convenient store. At the door, I pause. “Open it.” I hesitate and am rewarded with another jab in the back, “Now.” I jerk the door open and am immediately assaulted with a mixture of strong odors. Somehow, I know what’s inside before I see it. I hear the jingling of chains as something approaches the sudden source of light in the previously darkened room. As I tense my legs for action, a half-rotted face appears in the doorway. “Don’t even think of trying to…” The man is cut off as I bring my right foot up and back, landing a lucky blow in his groin. A string of curses begins spilling from his mouth in place of the previous threats. The rotting face now has a matching pair of arms outstretched below it. I spin around and quickly bring my knee into the man’s face as he’s doubled over. I step aside and shove the swooning man into the decrepit arms, sending both bodies farther into the doorway. The man shouts, “Dad! Don’t, it’s me! Nooooo…” His voice fades away as I shut the door, pick up my belongings, and shuffle away.