Quote (Kamikizzle @ Thu, Mar 29 2007, 03:51am)
Quote (dreu21952006 @ Wed, Mar 28 2007, 07:33pm)
Come on guys... Looking for a bit more help.
honestly, i couldn't read it all.
its far to long, and "You, she, its" are used WAY to much.
pronouns arn't the best in poems, they dull it. again its waaaaay to long for a poem imo. i've just started writing and made a post about it somewhere in this forum but i like to stick 16-32 lines. and the syllables are really off and you kinda went for the whole
rhyme thing; which i like-- only if its done well. and it not really done well... you wanted some help and i know its kinda harsh but think of it as constructive, i suppose. In short, -shorten it, get a thesarus, fix the rhyme/syllable scheme and it'll be a very nice poem.
I voted no.. revise it, THEN give it to her. you want to awe her, not confuse her
This guy talked about the important stuff. The poem really is too long, I didnt read all, just the begginign and ending, you should shorten that story, a lot, some details that reinforce ideas already spoken arent that important, be concise. Rhymes are not a must, but you can do it, just do it smoothly, dont compromise the substance because of the rhymes. Also, do not use the same words over and over again, that makes the reading boring.
However, at least you wrote "something" you know, it was a
story, not just some beatifull rhymes meaning anything. I saw you got the girl so congratulations dude.
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