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#11
May 11 2009 02:49pm
Quote (ehh @ Mon, May 11 2009, 05:09pm)
thats some advice i can dig, though structure is a prison for poetry.


Not true. Many famous poets used structure to their poems. For instance, William Shakespheare, Emily Dickenson, and Robert Frost. It kind of keeps things more organized easier to follow. Don't get me wrong, free verse can be quite nice sometimes, and have its quirks, but I suggest just trying certain designs of poems and seeing how you like it first. Meh, who knows... it might not be for you, but it certainly will open up your talents a little more. :thumbsup:
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#12
May 12 2009 01:13pm
Quote
not without grief o’er home or wife an child
oh! pious chief, look who’s roamin the wild?!
with a leather briefcase full of fancy files
he paced and trotted another spiraled mile
with his spine taped straight and his thoughts in a pile
and his denial of being defiled by the smiles of a haughty harlot
putting these thoughts to the back of his mind with a cigar lit
he begged but not those who knew not to trust
he feels the pull of a sorrowed young Werther, but do not, ALL lust and lose?
he addresses the foul while his legs begin to rust
and he states that he’s loathed this fate
he longs for fairy tale faces of the familiar places
though as you know he's full of lies and whys
and weary sighs, he’s a menial Machiavellian under the celestial skies
but in his eyes vapors rise over nostalgic thoughts
of his wife , divine

i have structured writing up there though it feels constraining. I however would like all those who immediately dismissed it to re-read it and feel the images and emotions conjured through the alchemy of words. Also for you to re-read it :D
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#13
May 12 2009 03:02pm
Quote
not without grief o’er home or wife an child
oh! pious chief, look who’s roamin the wild?!
with a leather briefcase full of fancy files
he paced and trotted another spiraled mile
with his spine taped straight and his thoughts in a pile
and his denial of being defiled by the smiles of a haughty harlot
putting these thoughts to the back of his mind with a cigar lit
he begged but not those who knew not to trust
he feels the pull of a sorrowed young Werther, but do not, ALL lust and lose?
he addresses the foul while his legs begin to rust
and he states that he’s loathed this fate
he longs for fairy tale faces of the familiar places
though as you know he's full of lies and whys
and weary sighs, he’s a menial Machiavellian under the celestial skies
but in his eyes vapors rise over nostalgic thoughts
of his wife , divine


I really do like the thought behind it, and the words are moving as well. But the rhythm was hard to follow sometimes, which I feel drew away until I reread quite a few times. I really do think you have some genuinely good stuff here. I just think that if it flowed better, you'd get a lot more out of it. That's all. Sorry if it seems I'm being critical. I'm just trying to give a few pointers. :thumbsup:
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#14
May 13 2009 08:39am
if u think about these too long u will not be able to like them.
i like ur work, i've read them a few times, the first time i wasnt shur if it was brilliant or retarded. im prety shur theyr good now
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#15
May 13 2009 11:17am
To be perfectly honest I think you need to widen your vocabulary and attempt to avoid meaningless babbling. I am a brutal person when it comes to writing from the soul because I believe that the only real poetry cant be written only heard, for your soul has a voice.. not a keyboard.

OH and while im at the brutal truth state.
Quote (eriot @ Wed, May 13 2009, 02:39pm)
if u think about these too long u will not be able to like them.
i like ur work, i've read them a few times, the first time i wasnt shur if it was brilliant or retarded. im prety shur theyr good now


PLEASE for the LOVE OF GOD never come back to this forum.

This post was edited by Mushukai on May 13 2009 11:19am
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#16
May 14 2009 07:20pm
Don't worry about being too critical thats why its here. :D oh and i agree mushukai im a big fan of Ezra Pound he was devoted to the union of sound and words. As well as Antonin Artaud, who claimed that text held a tyranny over poetry for far too long. But he was more into theater

This post was edited by ehh on May 14 2009 07:26pm
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#17
May 17 2009 04:48pm
Quote (eriot @ Wed, May 13 2009, 09:39am)
if u think about these too long u will not be able to like them.
i like ur work, i've read them a few times, the first timei wasnt shurif it was brilliant or retarded. im prety shur theyr good now



You SHUR are
Retarded.

This post was edited by ehh on May 17 2009 04:48pm
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#18
May 17 2009 09:35pm
:D
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#19
May 18 2009 01:00pm
Your shit sucks ehh, please sit.
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#20
May 18 2009 04:22pm
Quote (WizT @ Mon, May 18 2009, 02:00pm)
Your shit sucks ehh, please sit.


^_^
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