Poem I Just Wrote - Topic

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Apr 18 2006 07:27am

It's not bad; it just gives me the feeling like you're trying too hard. Like you're trying to sound like something out of an old dusty book of poetry from the 1800's. I think for your intended audience, your girlfriend, it should be a little more contemporary. Just my 2 cents.

Madstrike

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#12

Apr 18 2006 06:12pm

Quote (Schlag96 @ Tue, Apr 18 2006, 01:27pm)

Thats true, you are not in the seventeen century nmore... u do well with rhymes, give it a try with something diferent. I think it has a good esthetic, but i think it lacks on the subject matter. You could try to give a message on the poem..

oversea

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#13

Apr 22 2006 09:34pm

Quote

My love lie silent in the mist
Sorrow flows with no resist
her somber complexion
my desire, my elegant predilection
take refuge from the rain
From remorse now refrain

In my arms I bid thee be
In my dreams you I see
in my heart you reside
in your love I confide

glowing emerald enticements
worthy of endless compliments
Tender crimson lips
kissed with my hands on your hips
Embrace me 'round my waist
As you I now taste

In my arms I bid thee be
In my dreams you I see
in my heart you reside
in your love I confide

No more crying in the rain
No thoughts of heartache to entertain
No more hiding your face
turning as though a disgrace
Stare me into the eyes
Let me clear your skies.

haha cute rhymes
stay away from cliches like crimson lips and basically most rain references

"let me clear your skies" - pretty nice line, my favourite

maybe try not rhyming, it will make less cliche metaphors easier and help you add more personal references to your g/f

Soapbox

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#14

May 3 2006 08:29pm

As far as mechanics go...

The lines, "her somber complexion/my desire, my elegant predilection", while they are good, they throw off the rhythm/meter of the whole thing.

oversea has good points, but sacrificing structure for openness is cheap and too easy. I think that if you can make it rhyme and take away all the cliches, it's that much better.

I haven't been here in awhile, I might have to post some of mine in here...

distortion-

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#15

May 3 2006 10:00pm

definately think that you would do better with some more modern language.

and kwick, lets see it

Lover I Dont Have To Love

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#16

May 5 2006 06:26am

Wow...cute very nice

Magnum.Joe

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#17

May 5 2006 06:49am

In my arms I bid thee be
In my dreams you I see
in my heart you reside
in your love I confide

gunna say that to girlfriend
really nice dude

spitfireinc

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#18

May 13 2006 12:45am

i cann never put poems together XD

99black99

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#19

May 14 2006 11:53am

Quote (spitfireinc @ Sat, May 13 2006, 01:45am)

i cann never put poems together XD

It takes practice. I found some of my old poetry while going through some of my old note books and I was actually embarassed.

Most of my poems are more modern but I have been listening to alot of CoF and reading stuff by EA Poe and some girl that is a friend of mine. That's where the cryptic sorta style is from.

I'll post some more after this post...

keni

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#20

May 16 2006 01:22pm

8.5/10

Very nice. just two things from a higher score:

the use of 'thee' and 'you' in the same poem.. seems awkward to me.

kissed with my hands on your hips
Embrace me 'round my waist

the above paragraph doesn't flow very well Imho.

gj

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