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#1
May 1 2011 11:51pm
Alright, I wrote this for Mother's day, but it doesn't seem to work very well. Open to any tips on changing segments, stanzas, or even layout. Never worked with a 6-line stanza in my poetry, did not really work too well for me I do not think. The only things that cannot be changed are the first two lines of the first stanza, and the last two lines of the last stanza.

Code
You're my mom
I'm your kid
In all the things
I ever did
That's one thing
I never hid

One thing I have learned
Love is hard to hide
Just ask the new mother
And watch her beam with pride
As she shows you her baby
Putting the world aside

There is nothing that compares
To a mother's love and care
And not just in people
Look at mama grizzly bear
So protective of her cubs
Others know to beware

This love is not found
In general stores or shops
It's not at the gas stations
Or even the truck stops
No, this love is special
It evades even the cops

And since you're my mom
And I'm your kid
We don't need use eebay
You don't have to bid
I love you still
And always did!
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#2
May 2 2011 12:38am
Good news and bad news.

Bad news: This poem--as a poem--is crap, and no amount of editing will turn in into anything at all resembling literature.
Good news: Your mother will love it anyway. Stop agonizing over it, and give it to her as is. The sentiment is clear, which is all you need here.
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#3
May 2 2011 08:55am
Yourr mom is gonna like it, like the guy above said, its not a masterpiece, but I guess thats not the point here, well done.
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#4
May 2 2011 11:41am
Quote (JEB90 @ May 1 2011 10:38pm)
Good news and bad news.

Bad news:  This poem--as a poem--is crap, and no amount of editing will turn in into anything at all resembling literature.
Good news: Your mother will love it anyway.  Stop agonizing over it, and give it to her as is.  The sentiment is clear, which is all you need here.


Yah, I'm sorry but I really have to agree here. It's the thought that counts at least.
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#5
May 2 2011 04:00pm
Nice m8, your mom will like it :D
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#6
May 2 2011 04:14pm
Quote (CerealPlayer69 @ 2 May 2011 18:00)
Nice m8, your mom will like it :D


THIS!
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#7
May 2 2011 07:28pm
Yeah, the 6 line stanza was completely throwing me for a loop. I am thinking of nixing it and going with 4 lines, where I normally write. Thanks for the advice, will post an update when I get it done.

-E- The more I read last night's work, the more appalled I am. I apologize for posting that piece, it is far from my usual standards. I suppose that is what I get from trying to write at midnight in an unfamiliar format.

This post was edited by GodFollower on May 2 2011 07:48pm
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#8
May 2 2011 09:23pm
Alright, here is the new version. Again, please post up any criticisms or ideas!

Code
You're my mom
I'm your kid
Here's to you
And all you did

You held my hand
When times were rough
You gave me encouragement
When the going got tough

You helped me grow
Into who I am today
You kept me on the path
Helped me not to stray

Without your guidance
And tender loving care
My life would have fallen
Into a state of disrepair

And even though I've left
The nest you raised me in
I never will forget
The things I learned within

The compassion you modeled
And the support you provided
Prepared me for anything
My future undecided

So it's really no secret
On this I cannot keep a lid
I love you still
And always did!
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#9
May 3 2011 12:12am
u follow a pattern but does the pattern follow u when u write.

does the pattern restrict u to the point where the meaning is restricted and the variety inhibited
-possible questions u may want to consider

Because i believe a poem is all about meaning, without it there is no beauty nor variety.

Do u want to jump hurdle obstacles or just plain sprint

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#10
May 3 2011 12:25am
Quote (Mezen @ May 3 2011 06:12am)
u follow a pattern but does the pattern follow u when u write.

does the pattern restrict u to the point where the meaning is restricted and the variety inhibited
-possible questions u may want to consider

Because i believe a poem is all about meaning, without it there is no beauty nor variety.

Do u want to jump hurdle obstacles  or just plain sprint


yeah, I think he is too concerned with the format. Its a poem, as long as you put your thoughts the way you want, dont worry too much about the format...
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