This is a poem I was working on for three weeks now tell me how is it.

"Starving... dieing slowly and silenty... no one knows our struggle. Everyday we look and try to get a little meal... to get through the day we may have to steal and conseal what we do to get a meal.

Our houses are small broken down peices of shit, there like diseased animals slowly falling apart into the worlds never ending pit. Our life is shit we have almost nothing to our name some have an aniamal or two and some have a 4 year old bike that was found in the trash that they still call new.

Some of use though have friends and family that are still alive, no meat on their bones, nothing to eat but there still hear, trying to strive to stay alive. We've been here for so long no one seems to care that the white people come big,fat and their skin is fair. They make crummy commercials for us trying to make our lifes better, but really condemning them. People sponsor us and send us rice and fresh water but so little comes and so much is shared nothing would be better. There are those though that help us with our young, making schools and making homes, while we sit watching like garden gnomes.

There is so much war in life today how can we go another day, I just wish I could be with my family but there going day by day. Guns in the hands of my brothers and sisters they live for one reason and thats for being told by there peers that they must and so they trust and then become soldiers for a reason unclear.

Our days are numbered and there going slowly we have nothing but our friends and family... now let me be while i live my life till the end."


thanks for the time

It has a strong message, but the layout is a bit confusing. With some slight grammatical changes, could be publishable. Keep the poems coming!!!

whoa you're a faggot

you plucked my heartstrings, it's very good but i wouldnt call it poem, it's sort of a short text

This post was edited by Soralein on Aug 8 2009 07:42am

Well either way... It's good.

i said so, didn't i?

Azajay, if you don't like someone, avoid that person

For me the opening lines were broader and better put than the rest:

"Starving... dieing slowly and silenty... no one knows our struggle. Everyday we look and try to get a little meal... to get through the day we may have to steal and conseal what we do to get a meal.

Our houses are small broken down peices of shit, there like diseased animals slowly falling apart into the worlds never ending pit. Our life is shit we have almost nothing to our name some have an aniamal or two and some have a 4 year old bike that was found in the trash that they still call new."

Those are some stirring lines. They remind me a bit of the lyricism of some very strong poets and songwriters, including Bob Dylan (it doesn't have the same tempo as his Subterrarean Homesick Blues but I still see a resemblance). Your first lines are in my mind A+ stuff. I think that the poem loses it's punch toward the end, even if the message hits harder at that point and gets more specific. That's just my opinion. But really I applaud the first lines of your poem as something that surprised me and impressed me

This post was edited by RewtheBrave on Aug 9 2009 02:56pm

vouch

Wow.
I really like it, but as stated above, the layout is a little confusing.
But I imagined it being read at an open mic night at a coffee house, and it made sense in that setting.
Great job!

lol -sips coffee and snaps fingers-