rate it from X/10

any comments are welcomed thanks


I talked to god one Sunday evening right before the sun was set.
The air was cold and i had whiskey on my breath.
I said Lord please forgive me for taking souls away.
I have nightmares bout the things I've done each dieing day.
I'm a cowboy repenting for my sins.
At night i ride as the Devils bullet in the wind.
I ride at night cause the suns my enemy.
So i ask you now to please forgive in me.
I wake up wondering if its my time to go.
My heart skips three beats for every bullet that I throw.
From dusk till dawn im an outlaw on the road.
Heading down to the sweet forgiveing arms of Old Mexico.
Like faded words on an old tombstone.
Im just a man all alone.
Lord they took her away from me.
She was my bride to be.
I'll hunt them down one by one.
These evil men are now done
Put a coin on each eye.
Leave upon the darkend sky.
The Boat Man comes the next day.
For their souls need taken away.
Forgive me Lord for i have sinned.
One more life ive got to end.
Hes the one who took her away from me.
N now I have him on his knees.
I point the gun to his head.
Ask any last words before hes dead.
All he did was laugh at me.
I seen a man behind the trees.
Puts two bullets in my chest.
and puts my body to rest.


ok so thats what i decided to do with this poem i kinda like it

some parts i guess are kinda blah but other then that i love it and i loved makeing it

leave your comments or w/e but yea im just glad i finaly got it finished after putting it off lol

i dont realy like the ending but yea.... oh well

This post was edited by chonicbear on Mar 8 2009 06:29am

Lol your reference to the coins are interesting, in such a cowboy modern setting.

Your dialect was strange, particularly on the line "I seen a man from behind the trees," but I realize it's intentional.

yea i liked the coin reference i realy didnt mean to do it but i just typed it and went with it lol

I'm not big on poetry (although i am a creative writing major, mostly short stories though) but I'm going to give this a thumbs up since it wasn't another annoying emo piece of crap like 99% of the poems around here.

yea i wasnt big on poetry when i first started writing i make short stories to lol


yea i hate the emo bs poems....they dont realy have meaning to me

It was really good I really Liked it. Great job.

thanks

Like it.

It seems your best writing was in the beginning and towards the end you kind of forced it.
The bolded needs to be revised, other than that, this is great.
6/10 - why:
Your imagery is good, but not great.
As I said before, your writing it better in the first half of the writing compared to what I bolded.
Misspelling really doesn't have to do with anything in poetry if you want to rhyme, but in this case, "cause" sounds like it should actually be "because" instead,
and "bout" should be "about".
It would also be helpful to readers that you add quotations in the necessary places.

-Simply Tim

This post was edited by Stab_cj_Dead on Mar 14 2009 01:17pm

you know i really have no idea what your talking about everyone i have showed this poem to has liked it not to mention it won 2nd place in a poetry contest at city hall


so maybe it just wasnt your style of poetry wich is cool the miss spelling is always ok on the net cause come on i was in a rush to type it cause i hate typeing alot like that

but every criticism is welcomed