I talked to god one sunday evening right befor the sun was set.
The air was cold and i had whiskey on my breath.
I said lord forgive me for taking souls away.
I have nightmares about the things i've done each dieing day.
I'm a cowboy repenting for my sins.
At night i ride as the devils bullet in the wind.
I ride at night cause the sun is my enemy.
I ask you now to please forgive in me.
i wake up wondering when its my time to go.
my heart skips three beats for every bullet that i throw.
I'm an outlaw on the road.
heading down to the sweet forgiving arms of Old Mexico.

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[CENTER]i wrote this poem a couple days ago and i want to know what you guys think so let me have it

btw umm this poem isnt realy finished yet

the perspective is fragmentive, if ur going for that gj, if not u ned to fix that.
i like the tone u start w/ but it gets a bit too apologetic for my taste.
there needs to be something figurative that explains why ur an outlaw or why ur using this western theme cos i dont exactly get it.
i can definitely identify with deep shame but u need to tease it out more. i almost see this as a drug allegory. well u mention whiskey so mebe alcoholicism.
this confusion culminates in ur use of "old mexico," where im like, wtf jus happend
post ur edited version when ur done

well see thats just the first part of the poem the poem i have in mind is about 4 parts later it tells the background of why the cowboy is an outlaw what happens when he gets to mexico and i put the old mexico cause back in the western times there was a new mexico and an old mexico so i kinda put that part in there

well stop wasting time commenting in ur defense and get to work on it and post.

not defending myself...and these things take time till i figure out how i want the rest of the poem to go

poetry is not deliberative. thats for prose. poetry is more immediate. get TO IT

i will later on this week lol right now i want to get some more fg... but no worrys it will be done by next weekend

actually poetry is deliberative, i misspoke. u shud take as long as it needs. its hard not to +1 at times
and hopefuly ur not askin me for fgs t= jk

lol nah im not asking anyone i dont beg