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Associated Press
July 25,2010 Buffalo, New York
Outside of Costanzo's bakery last night, a man was brutally struck to death by a drug dealer's penis after a drug deal went bad. Sources suggest that the two men scuffled after , the dealer, attempted to sell the unidentified victim ersatz marijuana.
The brawl developed in the alley behind Costanzo's. When the dealer's knife was slapped away, he resorted to using his penis as a bludgeon to strike the victim. The victim suffered severe contusions on his temporal lobe. Emergency units arrived at the scene and rushed the man to the hospital, but it was too late. The penis had already taken its toll. The man died at approximately 2:30 A.M. yesterday morning. Investigators arrived promptly to examine the scene. Sources indicated that the man's penis was roughly 4.5-5 inches of length when at full erection. The girth has still yet to be determined.
Police originally suspected that the assailant fled to Tacoma, Washington. There they arrested Josh Clark. After being detained for 3 hours, Clark was released after it dawned on the investigators that Clark was Asian, and that there was no way his penis could be that long.
Today, however, the police received a huge break through when the head of the SVU was masturbating and viewed a man's penis that matched the reported description of the perpetrator. Later that day, Shane Dawson was arrested on charges of 2nd Degree Murder with a deadly weapon. The trial will occur August 19th.
(P.S. it was 4.5 in)
Thank god they caught this guy.