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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends very late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's with the big brass gong?' one of the friends asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk slurred in response.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'How's it work?'
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He stumbled across the room, picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood in silence, looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You idiot..it's three-fifteen in the morning!!'

oo n1

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a
season pass?"

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so mankind was made.'
Later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.

lol

A father believed his son was spending way too much time playing video games on his computer.
So, in an effort to motivate his son into focusing more attention to his schoolwork, the father tried to lay down the law.
"When Abe Lincoln was your age," the father said, "he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Without looking up from his game, the boy replied,
"When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."

fter 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her butt and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
"I found the remote," he mumbled.

Roped