1/2 way through this movie i almost stopped because i was bored af thus far. i said, i already suffered half this movie, might as well watch the rest in case it gets good <------------- ITS A TRAP! DONT DO THIS! IT DOES NOT GET BETTER!

epic review contains spoilers:

i read a bunch of reviews going into it so i was able to prepare myself. i turned off my brain and hoped the action sequences were enough to get me through, o boy was i wrong

my expectations of it were extremely low already based on the reviews, yet it managed to disappoint and be even worse than i imagined.

first of all, i didn't know it was star packed, i knew russell crowe was in it, but was surprised to see hermoine, hannibal and whore from requiem for a dream...i consider these actors to be worthy of my eyes, but honestly by having these big shots in a film and then seeing the film fail even with these actors, it made the film even worse than if they just had no name actors instead

the next thing that bugged me was their creative flair, see when doing bible movies, just stick to the script, but they just had to go and add a bunch of random shit, now im a bit rusty on my bible....but

1. was there really a 3rd brother? abel cain and seth?
2. the watchers? really?, gtfo (btw is it just me or did the cgi of the gay ass watchers look like claymation)
3. then cain went off and became a king? ruled the land and with the help of watchers (who btw had the best intentions) spread his evil throughout the world, men then backstabbed the watchers until hannibal fucking gandalf'd humans with a "you shall not pass" magic spell that destroyed an entire army (who also btw, seems to be jesus himself, healing the uterus of bitch hermoine), i think it's best to just not question it and save urself the stress of figuring out the logic behind any of this
4. THEN they made noah an "all work and no play makes jack a dull boy" fucking psycho and for the entire last half was bent on killing some babies, and all tensions quickly extinguished within 2 seconds of looking at the babies, biggest let down since i pulled a ruler up to my boner
5. the writers tried to be logical, but really just shot themselves in their own foot, the finest example of course is the big ass doob noah gave to the animals, made them all go to sleep because hey, if they're asleep they wont kill each other ....right?!1?!! and if they're asleep they won't need to take in nutrients .....right??2!?!?! and if they wake up they wont be hungry as fuck and just massacre each other right as they got off the boat.... right?!?!?3!?!?!
6. incest. clearly humans are a product of incest from adam and eve. that's cool but now that it's noah, all of a sudden they have the morals to not produce incest babies.... at least they intended not to, but in the end hermoine's twin girls have only their uncles to impregnate them and continue on the human population
7. hmm, okay this film is clearly meant for fundamentalist christians, since they are the only ones to actually believe the old testament as literal truth, if that's the case, why the fuck did they show evolution, lmfao, from a fish to a reptile to a monkey, k thx bro
8. whore from requiem for a dream has found the fountain of youth, she never aged throughout the film

i dont think there is a single redeeming factor of this movie

but i would still recommend ppl pirate this piece of shit just so they can see wat a real piece of shit looks like


btw: i myself am an atheist, bible accuracy is not important, but they couldve made the movie much better if they stuck with it.... why? because the script is already there, no need to embellish god awful plots, the bible has a lot of amazing stories (and stories are all they are, not truth) that would be brilliant on film, so why fuck with it

This post was edited by wafflehunter on Jul 9 2014 07:01am

This should be the tagline for the movie honestly.

that was funny.

I believe:

Seth is Cain's son and not the brother. Seth ruled over a City of Sodom. Incest is ripe in the bible, even from Noahs' section.

Anyway... I forced my way to watch it as well, and the amount of controversy in that movie will make it some $$$s' I think... pity though.

Just finished watching it.

Religious ppl who follow the Bibles words, might get offended by this movie. But then again, no offense, I laugh at all those ppl. Specially getting offended from a movie, wich isn't a documentary of any sort. Just entertainment to keep us happy and make them $$$.
E - Just shows you how bible followers think and react to such things

---

I think the ppl behind this movie tried to include all sorts of ideas of Life into it. They went everywhere... Not sure if ppl get what I mean:
Religion. Different opinions of our maker. "Magic". Evolution.

They never say God. They say Creator, wich could mean anything other than 1 entity who created them/us. (higher form of life)
They showed the Fallen Angels, who hlp carve human life. (wich is another idea, that some believe aren't truely "angels")
They showed how some ppl have the intellect to control Fire, in different ways/forms. (this also has a story behind it)
They showed how some ppl can communicate with animals.
And well so much more, I'm to damn tired to name them, lol.

But I caught them all and knew what they're trying to describe.

---

I enjoyed the 1st half, was ok. Some sort of sci-fi/magic movie. But the 2nd half... I didn't like as much.

Movie could've been much better. The hype of the great cast made it promising. But the script was bad, Imo. due to them scattering ideas everywhere, instead of sticking to just one.

This post was edited by James84 on Jul 10 2014 04:03am

noah is a really, really bad movie...that is all i will say about it.

This post was edited by kaybay on Jul 12 2014 02:04am

terrible movie, i wasted 25$ on two tickets to go see it with my gf.