It's very sad to hear that this happened to her. However, this doesn't need to be your problem; you don't have to rescue her or any individual who has gone through this.
In all honesty, having known this would have been a complete deal-breaker for me if she informed me of this. She has deep seeded issues involving sex, so your sex life will definitely be affected by this for as long as you're with her.
It would really gross me the fuck out how she's so into doing things that "her dad made her do"...I don't know how you deal with it.

You say you've been waiting that long, well I don't think it'll change mate. She has irreparable issues and if she isn't already getting therapy for it, she definitely should.

I think it'd be in your best interest to find another love. Unless you have as damaged of a background, why date someone with far more problems then you have? You don't have to make it your burden.

A golden rule of mine is: Look after yourself, before anyone else.

This post was edited by Darkblue on Jan 18 2012 10:39am

you have a valid point the thing is we both love each other and she really is trying. i have told her it bothers me she enjoys doing that so much, considering. we have been to a few psychiatrists and they say her fixation is not un-normal for what she went thru ( he said its kinda like rape victims having rape fantasies after they get over therape itself) she has been trying to be more sexually adaptive, but its just taking a while. i think that more happened than she told me, or she told me the story backwords bc shes afriad i wont love her if i know he took her in that way ( sex ) i am definatly taking your advice into consideration, and i appreciate it very much. i just dont think im ready to give uo on herr yet b/c we have made progress. i dont want to leave her over this b/c we do have fun and enjoy life together.
id donate but i just started jsp -.- and am broke lol

This post was edited by smilingbear on Jan 18 2012 10:51am

It doesn't really matter. While that's good and all, when it comes to looking out for yourself and your best interest; "it is what it is".

While that line "it is what it is" was used against me at one point in time as well--it is a great affirmation in gaining acceptance for what you have to do. No one wants to break-up, and voluntarily cause themselves to go into grief, or withdrawal from the other--but there comes a time where you must look at the big-picture, often it can be good to write a complete pros and cons list...and the scale (1-10, 1 being not such a big deal, 10 being very big deal) in which each pro and con is (ex: pro=very optimistic, she is in school to be a doctor...10-- con=instability issues 10)

Once you dress a list, you must weigh out and come to a decision whether it's worth pursuing the relationship or not. And if you KNOW, it isn't in your best interest you need to cut the other person loose. Got to look after yourself first.
Everyone knows this, but they let the LOVE factor stop them.
So this is when you need to realize "It is what it is"...because while you may love her so much, she is dragging you down and there will be way more problems down the road..

Think of this subjectively when I say there are other people down the road, that you are leaving a situation that isn't very good for one that is much better. Every human can love again, in this case...you can have the same thing but with someone a lot more stable and with a lot less issues.
You are supposed to be happy with your partner and GROWTH is key. If you aren't growing and your efforts to resolve this aren't getting anywhere, then it is what it is, you can be happier with someone else once you move on from this.


Anyways, that's just my best advice for this situation. In the end, it is entirely up to you.

Post here or PM me if you need anything else. It's always a pleasure.

i see what you mean. the only reason i havent gave up is b/c wehave made some progress, and some is better than none right? but i would be lying if i said i didnt thnk about leaving. i dont really want too but i think i may call it off for a while, maybe for good if it doesnt get better. thx for advice man, i will make sure to ask you for help in the future

this is again like the last post. I think the key question here is: do you love her?
I for myself dont have the "look out for yourself first rule". I put my girl first. I want my love to be happy in order for me to be happy too.
This does not mean I put her before everything. If I cant be happy with her even if shes happy, then I will go out of the relationship.
Both mindsets have advantages and disadvantages. When it comes down to it, its really a question of: can you go on like this, or cant you? its not something anyone here can answer.

If you make progress that is fine. Talking with her about it is fine too. Somehow i get the idea that you dont know what to get out of your relationship. And in that respect: KNOW yourself first. If you dont know what makes you happy, or what makes her happy, or if you want your life to be like it is, then you need to find an answer for that.

Breaking up is an option you have. Its not the only option though.

And wether this is your topic I want to make a point here.
There comes person X who is together with person Y into love line. You tell them to break up with way to little information about the persons and just because it is what you would do. You can doom a relationship which COULD (maybe) have a chance. Just out a personal preference. Think about it.

Im not saying you are wrong in this. Maybe it is the best option after all. Its the Maybe that bothers me.

This is stating your dependence. That is the problem. It is your weakness. You don't control the other person, but now since you've made it clear that you depend on them...they will determine whether you will be happy or not.
This is a terrible position.



Maybe I'll be hit by a bus if I walk outside tomorrow. But will I let that stop me from making the decision of going out and growing in a different environment? No. (If you get the analogy--though maybe not the greatest one, I see your point and this is mine)

"What if's" are just that....what if. You can question yourself on this forever, but I personally do not dig into my wounds and I take action for what's best for me and my blood family (up to a point). And I believe that is being a strong and independent individual.

This post was edited by Darkblue on Jan 18 2012 07:30pm

i get where you are coming from and I understand it. I thought so too some time ago. Yet I noticed that my dependence and my weakness can be my greatest strength. I must not be undependend in order to grow and be a strong individual. I must not be bare of weakness in order to be strong. I can love with everything I have. You cannot. You will stop if a challenge comes your way. I understand your side, however it looks to me that it is a (good) self defense mechanism you have. Nothing more Nothing less. Id love to discuss this further. via pm maybe?^^

Fact is that there are people who share your (quite acurate and useful) views and mindset. There are also others who dont. When giving advice I personally try to give the advice taylored to the person. It is not always what I would or could do and if so I usually add that this is what I would do and why.
Important to me is that everyone who gives great advice like you, should consider that not everyone is like you (them).

Ill tell you a story about that, which is perfectly true.
So I was a private tutor in math for some years. One day there came this girl to me. She obviously wasnt good at math. However I could explain everything just fine to her. She would pick it up easily and she could do it after I explained it to her once or twice.
She was intelligent and she had a spark of logic, remarkably large for a woman :).
So I wondered.
Why did this girl get so bad at math. The reason was easy to find.
All her previous math teachers told her she wasnt good at math, that she should go and do something else.
And this single belief made her bad in math.
I think she is an accountant now and has no problems with math whatsoever.

What you are doing if you tell people who are not sure what they should do is you impose on them limiting beliefs.
Such as: "This relationship is doomed" "you cannot/shouldnot fix a broken person" "if the girl has issues and doesnt change them you get weak if you stay with her." "you should stay with her whatever you do"
While in some situations those words maybe true. That is not the point. The point is that those Beliefs itsself will act limiting your choices and ways of thinking.
Instead of making you a grown strong individual with many choices, limiting beliefs will let a person act on them instead, which is almost never a good thing.

Tl;Dr You limit peoples choice. Stop doing that. It doesnt help growing up.

But I think this is going off topic. I love to discuss with you. You have good arguments and I have learned some bits from you allready. If you want, we can switch over to pm

i think that if you are who you are it shouldnt matter because if you act like someone else thier not going to like you in the ends anyway

This is pretty subjective. However, I don't think we will come to an agreement...just thought I'd say that before we'd continue. I respect your view as you do mine, we are 2 different individuals and when someone comes to my thread they are asking for Darkblue's advice, and when you share yours it's Hooo's advice; this is what separates us as individuals...

I remain strong through hardship and you may get the misconception that I give up immediately. I don't, nor do I cut weakness off at sight. I make an assessment, try to resolve a problem but if it isn't going anywhere nor got better I cut off the fat.
The universe intended for the weak to get fucked over...all this spirituality and woe is me stuff is only an affirmation of the weak. I strong individual to me doesn't let himself be the universes bitch, they are extroverted, they push out rather than absorb everything.
This is of course a defensive mechanism, as is an affirmation of being weak to remove your owness and putting the blame on something else as it appears to be so socially acceptable and understood amongst the millions of others who do it.
We all have defensive mechanisms for anything, but I don't create myself a wall personally. I have a good balance.

I don't think everyone is like me. But a lot of the people I see walk in here let themselves be "the universes bitch" so to speak. They will keep hurting and being hurt in the future unless they assert themselves.
So I give them the truth through my eyes, and nearly every time I can see they are past the point of resolve. I'll gather more info if I have to but the reason they are posting here in the first place is because they are close-ish to the end of their ropes.
And the problem here is a lot of them don't have the heart (and are blind in denial) to break-up with the other person who they aren't moving forward with.

It's just something you have to do sometimes--it is what it is.

This, so much this.

You can put other people first, but the saying that you can't love others until you love yourself is trite but all too true.

Losing yourself for the sake of another person is never worth it - for you and for them.