Episode 26. Hell Hell or The Episode with the Very Silly Title

Maltatai: This is the Whatever-the-clock News again and despite this being just our second broadcasting I am standing here reporting LIVE from the siege of the Pandemonium Fortress! The besieging force, consisting of the purple alliance (blue + red) has breached the fortress by an infernal gate. The defending force consisting of exactly one arch-moro…angel is holding out in an inner sanctum with no visible gate. On a sidenote, some would expect the infernal gate to lead straight into hell and not to this heavenly outpost but since when has sense and reason mattered in this game? Unless…the fortress is indeed a cleverly disguised Hellish outpost? Or maybe it is simply a fortress standing here minding it’s own business and the only thing keeping demons out (there are no doors by the way so it’s not exactly hard to get in) is the presence (stench?) of Tyrael?

Rödluvan: You are not reporting live, you are scribbling in your manuscript for the story. The mentioned things have already happened.

Maltatai: Have you ever heard of editing? This is a transcript of the past reporting.

Snövit: I did not spot any cameras.

Maltatai: None the less, we got an excellent view of the Arch-angely fortifications.



Rödluvan: Obviously a construction contrary to all rules and norms, defying every exploitation plan.

Snövit: Clearly an economically inefficient and financially faulty enterprise, marked by the slow and rigid thinking of conservative and conserved bureaucrats.

Maltatai: Snövit and Rödluvan are providing covering fire for just about anything. They also attempt to weaken and shatter the stonework by rapidly heating and chilling it. Waheed, being an expert at jamming pieces of wood into enemies and enemy objects is constructing a spear-shaped battering ram. And here we have Telash who is charged with…illuminating the battlefield and camp of course but what else?

Telash: Electronical warfare. We live in the information society after all! I obstruct messages being sent from the heavenly hideout by jamming all frequencies…

Maltatai: …if they would for some unknown inexplicable reason use common radio communication and not some celestial telepathy thing?

Telash: Bah! Petty uninteresting details. I am also in charge of the most sinister of activities; psychological warfare.

Maltatai: As demonstrated…how?

Telash: By sending electronic messages filled with complete nonsense, so called Stupid Petrifyingly Absurd Message or SPAM.

Maltatai: Can you give examples?

Telash: Of course. “Wing enlargement – special offer”, “Help me, honest bureaucrat of Nihlatakgeria, transfer a million gold coins by giving me control over all your gold coins and stashes with no insight whatsoever”, “Make money while doing nothing at all in 100 new ways each week”, “Did you see my new entry about worthless trivia on Fakebook?”.

Maltatai: Quite irritating. But what if Tyrael simply stops reading his mail?

Telash: Then we move to the heavy artillery, figuratively speaking. Let the angel ears tremble in the terror of heavy metal, now literally speaking:


Hells Spells by Telash

I’m rolling thunder, not pouring rain
I’m coming on like a hurricane
My lightning’s flashing wide and high
You are an angel but you’re off the sky
I won’t spare no measures, won’t spare no wings
I’ll have your ears tied to golden strings
I’ve got my spell I’m gonna take you to hell
We already are there? Oh, I get ya

Hells Spells
Yeah, Hells Spells
My bolts are spinning, Hells Spells
My voltage is high, Hells Spells

I’ll give you spark sensations up and down your spine
If you’re into lightning you’re a friend of mine
See my white light flashing as I split the night
Cause if Red’s on the left, then I’m keeping off the right
I won’t spare no measures, won’t spare no wings
I’ll have your ears tied to golden strings
I’ve got my spell I’m gonna blast you in hell
I’m gonna get ya, Telash gets ya

Hells Spells
Yeah, Hells Spells
My sword is spinning, Hells Spells
My power is high, Hells Spells

Yeow!

Hells Spells, Telash’s coming to you
Hells Spells, he’s bringing his bolts
Hells Spells, we’re breaking the wall
Hells Spells, then all will fall
Hells Spells, we’re taking it down
Hells Spells, we’re mining it under
Hells Spells, gonna split the fight
Red Spells from the left, Blue from the right

Ow, ow, ow, ow! (part of lyrics, not “open wounds” even if we have that too)

Hells Spe-e-e-ellsss!

Maltatai: All that’s lacking now is the school uniform…

Telash: What!? What kind of stupid idea is that?

Rödluvan: Hey! He would look kind of cute in that!

Telash: Hostile work environment! Harassment!

Snövit: I think blue would be better. Look at the pretty valkyrie I got and follow her stunning example. There is nothing like blue plate to shine when you are making a pose to show off your leg…eeeeh, dodging a dangerous infernal projectile I mean. And it goes sooo well together with the red background at cramped chokepoints where cold immunes nest.



The totally disgusting vile stygian mothers and their parents were the most troublesome in the act since they could not be frozen. Granted, big demons like Maw fiends and venom lords take many arrows but at least you can freeze them.

Rödluvan: You certainly fared better than I did, that’s for sure. The decoy and even my valkyrie was totally crushed in no time by the doom knight, venom lords and most of all actually the abyss knights. I really longed for some freezing cold to shut them up.

Snövit: One of the Fleshy mums was absolutely fanatic about energy bills which was very annoying. I mean, there can’t be any real shortage of heat to power a power plant in Hell, can it? It was such a relief to be able to go back to Kurast once in a while.

Maltatai: Yes of course, back to dear old swampy, moistly, rotting, festering and mosquito-ridden Kurast…who wouldn’t long for it?

Snövit: Back to MESHIF!

Maltatai: Oh, was THAT what you meant?

Snövit: Anyhow, I melted my way into the river of flame in due time. Freezing the hotbloods made the trail a bit like an art exhibition until we reached Hephasto the Cursed. He was a bit worrying due to the teleportation but it went well, obviously. You don’t want someone like that landing on top of your head. And all I got for the trouble was a pathetic Hel rune. Booo!

Waheed: At least our art exhibition was free of newly graduated modern artists and their exam projects…

Rödluvan: What is this about?

Telash: Wait, I think I know. You’re referring to the Swedish art students projects Maltatai told about. The ruined wagon and all that.

Rödluvan: Ruined wagon? What the…?

Maltatai: A few years ago there were some quite…odd…”art” projects that students of the Swedish art school Konstfack (konst = art in Swedish) apparently made. Three of them became quite famous, or maybe infamous. One was an exhibition as far as I know, which was made using material deriving from the artists imitated suicide attempt on a bridge. It yielded both some insight into the (mis)treatment of persons believed to be insane and a prosecution for raising a false alarm.

Another project was the recording of the ruining of the interior of a train car – trains made of a kind of metal wagon that has no counterpart in Sanctuary – by painting it in a chaotic manner. The artist did no painting but merely recorded it. I don’t know if it was legal, it would depend on whether the artist encouraged or helped with the ruining. One can of course argue that merely recording the episode would be a kind of encouragement but on the other hand; recording something means ample evidence being collected and the knowledge that the action would be used as an art project of Konstfack should function more as a deterrent than encouragement.

Last but not least weird was the less famous idea of a later graduate. As I understood the news article I read about it in, he had surgically removed a piece of flesh from his one buttock. Contrary to what someone with knowledge of more classic works might guess, he did not intend to use it for borrowing money from a Venetian merchant. Oh no, this is modern art. He did instead make the piece of skin grow (he must have had some laboratory stuff available I guess) into a sort of mask with a vague resemblance of a face (it had two holes for the eyes at least). The student told in the article how he would sit and talk to his…mask…on occasion.

I have never seen those projects myself so I don’t know if it all is true, but it did in any case make for some damn weird and, in the last case, comical reading.

Waheed: Konstfack sounds pretty stupid…maybe it would be more informative if you changed the “a” in the name to a “u”.

Maltatai: Yes, it was hardly the most impressive and flattering projects that became publicised in this manner.

Snövit: I found something equally silly I think. Boots with little mirrors on them! I mean, come ON. Who would want a mirror on their boot? It will break as soon as you enter the Single Player Forum and get shin-kicked. On the other hand, breaking a mirror is said to bring bad luck so maybe that would be a smart way to get back at the bullies?



Maltatai: You moron, mirrored boots refer to mirrored armour, a kind of early partial plating design appearing I think in central Asia in my world! Having actual mirrors attached…”facepalm” To change into a more sensible subject, I see Waheed crushed the Infector thoroughly.

Snövit: Yes, we really kicked his Konstfack-project-body-part. As I slashed him I felt a sinister presence, as if a giant hand was touching me! Most unsettling. Maybe it was Diablo employing some weird unholy telekinesis. I know I must look stunningly desirable in this blue armour but HANDS OFF! I later found a green set of pillars that looked like boots. Apparently they did belong to an immortal king. That king must be getting senile because his belongings are scattered all across Sanctuary from what I have heard. Really a mess. Diablo turned also green. With envy after seeing my stabbing skill no doubt.

Maltatai: You don’t think your poisonous charms or amulet could have had something to do with it.

Snövit: Oh no. I’m sure it was pure envy. If we could have shattered Diablo and turned him into lots of very small stones it would have been enough jewels to twink at least a dozen cheesy cookie cutters.

Waheed: That’s probably why he focused on killing me first. Just jealous of my coolness.

Snövit: Maybe so. Waheed really received no fair chance. I stabbed the big clot in the spot most suited to my height.

Maltatai: His…stones as Alkor would put it?

Snövit: Yeah. Eeeew! “shudder” And people say his head looks distorted and full of horns. I tell you, Diablo is indeed the lord of terror. This vision was the stuff of endless nightmares I hope I will not have. I will leave the description at that. My valkyrie, supplied by the state to aid the private sector in these trying times, focused on Diablos heel as you can see.

Maltatai: Might I ask why?

Snövit: Just a precaution. He does after all live next to an underworld river and what if he would have been dipped into it by someone holding him by the heel? Imperviousness to all weapons except down at the foot.

Maltatai: If Diablo would bathe in the River of Flame, why would he need someone holding him? He’s an adult demon, surely he can manage a bath by himself?

Snövit: But the invincibility effect only works if someone holds you by the heel. You have told us so yourself.

Maltatai: I told you about the story about this thing, which has no resemblance to reality as far as I know. And I also said that the heel thing is not the point, it was just a random plot detail to make the silly Jerhyn-like archer person able to best the monstrous warmonger in an unlikely way. Though I cannot believe how someone could die from a wound in the heel, magical protection of the rest of the body or not. It occurred in the middle of a battlefield so there would surely be lots of allies there to bind the wound before you faint of blood loss.

Now over to Rödluvan. Fire immunes are plentiful in these warm surroundings. Have they been as bothersome as every experienced player would expect?

Rödluvan: YES! Grrrrrr! Doom to the doom knights. They hit so hard my decoys and valkyries seem like blimps in a meteor rain. “Pop”, “pop”, “pop”, and the enemy group have barely been halted. OK, maybe they weren’t exactly that strong but close enough. I ran into knight boss after knight boss and all had some annoying and dangerous trait.



Telash: I say! And that tasteless joke about the Iron Wolves AGAIN!

Rödluvan: Hihi. I, like Snövit, had the luxury of not running into Burning Souls when looking for Izual, who took a hell of a long time to hack apart. Further ahead lay the damned city. It was really damned because Telash died in a very stupid manner, cornered by Stygian Mothers nagging him to death. The state of the maintenance was really scandalous too. But there were some really impressive glass walls too that were so clean they were quite invisible. The only way to see them is to shoot something into them, like a magic arrow. The magic arrow explosion thing is really beautiful. Maybe if it could be made more orange it would be a good lamp. If you could stabilize that explosion effect and have it remain permanent you would have eternal light and energy maybe.

Maltatai: The Sanctuary version of the dream of a stable fusion reactor…

Rödluvan: There were also little bridges here and there in the city. I don’t really know what they were for but I guess they had some use. It seemed superfluous though, because the chasm was covered with some invisible force field thing as you can see by the blood and corpse things not falling down into it but resting partially in thin air.

Maltatai: I think the bridges are part of the old balrog-centred defence policy.

Snövit: What?

Maltatai: The concept was that if you were beset by a balrog in a dark dungeon and came to a bridge, the balrog would gain extra powers and become capable of totally owning the entire adventuring party unless one of them collapsed the bridge and went down with it thanks to the whipping of the balrog.

Rödluvan: That’s the silliest thing I’ve heard since your latest explanation of how the Swedish labour politics work. Even matching the defence policy. And balrogs with whips…ewwww!

Maltatai: Flaming, auto-targeting whips and flaming swords were standard equipment according to that ideology. It is outdated by now, since the balrogs are too feeble to pull off such feats alone nowadays.



Rödluvan: Now let’s change the subject to something less repulsive…balrogs with flaming whips “shudder”…NO! Must not think of it!


This post was edited by Maltatai on Jan 4 2017 11:09pm

Maltatai: We move on to the amazing find of a Hel rune, lying right on the random ground. Funny thought; think how it would be if someone had to smash a soulstone of a Prime Evil to get such a lowly rune. What an anticlimax.

Snövit: SHUT UP! MOVING ON FURTHER IN THE PROGRAMME I stand here with Rödluvan who has recently smashed her way throught the River of Flame. Were there any particularly memorable moments of that journey, Rödluvan?

Rödluvan: After going down the stairs I intended to clear the tiny area to the right to avoid flank attacks later. This is usually a routine action that you can do half asleep. And since I mention that, that was of course not the case in my case. I faced two intermingled packs of Abyss Knights that totally outclassed my decoy and valkyrie. Hephasto was a scary one and I had to run away a lot. He had to run away as well but he was too stupid to realize that. Right next to the hellforge, an Act IV barbarian (lot’s of muscle but little head) also known as an Urdar dropped…a Hellforge Plate.

Maltatai: Hehe. One of the most fitting pieces of loot ever, I think.

Rödluvan: It was not fitting! The whole thing was far too big and warm and clumsy. I prefer the mobility of light smoke leather.

Maltatai: No, fitting as in dropping then and there not in a fashion sense.

Rödluvan: Oh. That sort of makes sense. Further ahead I ran into, figuratively speaking, a true terror that was thankfully not on the screen when captured lest it would terrify everyone. A great, cursed Urdar immune to both left and right wing politics!

Snövit: Obviously a brutal dictator in training. Nice valkyrie by the way.

Rödluvan: Yes, yes. If carefully supervised, I suppose the state can enlist some private elements to carry out well defined tasks. Such as tanking Prime Evils that burn red enlightened mages in a second. The tax revenue was a disappointing collection of useless rare things.



Maltatai: The Swedish governments have also done a lot of such privatising the latest decade. But the part with “carefully supervised” or even “supervised” seems to have slipped their minds, especially when it comes to medical care. The same appears to be true about the idea of selling state property things at a beneficial (for the seller) price rather than selling as fast as possible to privatise immediately for the sake of privatising. Perhaps these concepts, having rarely been grasped by politicians, had been left unused in a slimy storage area – like the Kurast Sewers for example – for so long that they were slippery and hard to grasp therefore. But the minds of most in a leading position in my world tend to be rather weak to start with so maybe they could not grasp very hard.

Snövit: Hmpf! Such irresponsible handling of valuable assets is bordering sacrilege.

Rödluvan: Pah! The failure of attention and responsibility is an insult to all responsible governing.

Maltatai: Now let’s move on to more promising subjects. Like those cracks appearing in the wall…

Snövit and Rödluvan: WHERE!?

Waheed: Here, where I just happen to have mined for hours by know. Just saying…

Maltatai: Where’s Telash?

Rödluvan: Probably down south by the magic shop.

Snövit: What’s he doing there? He never needs mana potions.

Rödluvan: No, at least not for mana alone. Perhaps more as…ingredient.

Snövit: What are you…Telash and Jamella? Seriously?

Rödluvan: Sounded like that last evening.



Snövit: Hahahahihihi! If only I could see Tyraels face if he knew!

Telash: So would I. I have a particularly evil lightning bolt with his name on. Practically locking in that poor girl in this lonely fortress.

Rödluvan: Back from the heavenly hostess. Underneath the spare parts of paladinly armour lurks a more assassin-like outfit, doesn’t it? A slayer of mages, an inquisitorial hunter of the presumably corrupted and naughty spell casters…

Telash: Nah, she’s not like that at all. But the assassin thing is quite hot. It must be the part of her that makes her so attracted to “bad boys”, in this case mages like me.

Maltatai: Jamella is sort of like the Heaven equivalent of the Swedish Skogsrå, a fable creature lurking in woods and with a habit of luring the weak-minded into the forest to get lost. She takes the appearance of a girl with very long hair, covering her back which is in fact covered in bark like a tree, making her easily recognisable from other female stalkers crossing the wilderness without clothes. Don’t know if there is an English counterpart, perhaps some sort of dryad? Likewise, Jamella hides under shining armour so bright it nearly blinds you but someone looking closely at her back will see a revealing black leather suit.

Telash: So Jamella’s coming with us when we leave this place. No objections will be tolerated.

Rödluvan: As you would have it, Oh Mighty Iron Wolf.

Telash: …

Snövit: How did you know Telash and Jamella were seeing each other. I mean other than seeing each other outside her shop? You’re not rediscovering various bad habits I hope…

Rödluvan: Not guilty! SHAME on you for even thinking that I could lower myself to something like that!

Snövit: That imitated indignation convinces exactly no one present here, sweetheart.

Rödluvan: Well, well, if you nosy people must know it I was also making friends just across the street. Halbu’s coming with us as well by the way… Some designs of chest and shoulder plate are quite a workout in itself to remove. The thought just crossed my mind. Speaking of nothing in particular.

Snövit: Speaking of nothing in particular.

Rödluvan: …

Snövit: Pfffhihiihihihi! “We are the collective. You will be aroused. Resistance is futile.”

Rödluvan: It’s “You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.”…oh, I see.

Maltatai: Oh, look! The wall is cracking!

Snövit: Charge!

Rödluvan: Onward!

Telash: Hells Spells coming at lightning speed!

Waheed: Damn! He’s getting away! Quick! At the red portal!

Maltatai: Follow the thrilling continuation of the pursuit of the abominable angel in the next episode. Over and out.

Episode 27. Rescue Rangers

Maltatai: “The first rule of Bow Club is: you do not talk about Bow Club. The second rule of Bow Club is: you do not talk about Bow Club. And the third rule of Bow Club is: you do not, ever, talk about Bow Club.”

Snövit: Give me that!

Maltatai: What is this about? Bow Club?

Rödluvan: Just a free time project we started. Nothing you need concern yourself with.

Maltatai: I feel so included. It really lifts the spirits to be part of the team…

Snövit: We had to find something to do to pass the time when camping in this rickety small town. So we started an underground club for archery. The backward and undeveloped barbarian society is so barbaric they don’t have archers and look down on archery. Very uncivilised but we managed to bring some order to it all and introduce the finer ways of gaining experience points.

Maltatai: I see. So, keeping with the underground warlike club thing, Rödluvan is like your other self? Tyler Durden style?

Snövit: Hmmm…

Rödluvan: Ehm, maybe, now that I think of it. But it’s a secret.

Maltatai: In this episode we will take a look at the latest rescue operation made by the two teams. They have ventured down into the frozen river (where the water is actually not frozen but anyway) to search for Anya. The frozen river is of course one of the more dangerous places in the Act so we are all ears. What did you face and how did it go?

Rödluvan: Surprisingly enough we first faced the Bloody Foothills where both Telash and I tried to stay invisible and fade from sight…it didn’t work. They saw right through us, so to say.

Maltatai: Pun festival imminent?

Snövit: You are usually much worse than that!

Maltatai: Hehe… It seems like no time since you were here last time, looting everything.

Rödluvan: We did some looting now too. I found two excellent charms, one keeping you warm and the other keeping you healthy and enlightened.

Snövit: I AM telling you that it’s perfectly FINE if you secretly wish to be a lightning mage. Just tell us and be open with it.

Rödluvan: I do not! Shut up! The plains were home to the stereotypical main villain cronies (all muscle and no brains) also known as the maulers. One boss was of a particularly dreaded kind in ages past. Down in the Crystalline Passage I had to keep my instincts under careful control; NO touching of strange urns.



Telash: She really has some sort of strange compulsive behaviour when it comes to dangerous urns and explosive fire shrines. Must be why she is so fond of explosives…

Rödluvan: Quiet! I am telling here! The caves were populated by red-haired flying nymphs that shot big balls at people.

Snövit: Watch the damned (To Anya)!
She’s gonna break her free (hey)
No you can’t stop her (Red bless ya)
She’s coming to get you
While you shoot your

Balls to the walls, man…woman
Balls to the walls
You shoot your balls to the walls, demon
Balls to the walls!

Rödluvan: For being an interruption, that was almost accept-able. The Succubi suckers we met down there really make me mad. They just fly around in their silly skimpy underwear outfits all day trying to drain the life force and energy out of everyone they meet and…

Maltatai: Hehe.

Telash: Pfffhaha.

Snövit: “Giggle”

Rödluvan: What?

Maltatai: Someone moving around a lot, in a seemingly unpractical underwear-like outfit, does it sound like someone I know, perhaps? Maybe like someone that is equally busy after bedtime, bedtime referring in this particular time not to time for sleeping but rather bedding half the NPC population of Sanctuary and…

Rödluvan: No! They are not like me at all! Those redheads give redness a bad name!

Snövit: But you do drain a lot of energy from your victims – your leeching is fantastic. And you are pretty red-blooded and the quilted armour does not cover a great deal of the upper or lower body.

Rödluvan: Damn it! I don’t leave my new friends drained of vital energies! Drained of energy – any time. But not vital energy and nothing a few hours, well days maybe, of rest won’t fix. Now we move on to the tactical review of the caves…

Telash: Oh, please, we have all heard it a hundred times at least! Allright, everyone at the same time: “the caves offer excellent sniping positions for archer characters who can stand on one side of the river and shoot at enemies on the other side. Amazons can also scout by shooting blindly into the darkness and see if they leech anything, thereby pinpointing in which direction the enemy is”. The same thing over and over again!

Rödluvan: Hehehahaha…are we really that repetitive?

Snövit: But sniping is so much FUN!

Rödluvan: Speaking of repetitive…one time I was actually worried that Anya just for once would have ended up as the rest of the Barbarian population dragged away by Baals minions. I know it isn’t very polite to say but from a distance they all look the same. Luckily that was not the case and everything went as well as last time. Anya left without a word this time as well. Some people never learn!



Maltatai: Over to Snövit for whom the act is likely to have posed more difficult given the high amount of cold immunes one expects to find here.

Snövit: Nothing unbearable out in the plains. In some cases I could use the cliffs very effectively and get rid of the sharp teeth or whatever you would call the minions of Sharptooth. I wonder if he is their dentist? “shudder”

Maltatai: I have been thinking…

Rödluvan: Really?

Snövit: Oh my blueness, there are still miracles present in this age.

Maltatai: Kindly do not interrupt anymore, THANK YOU!

Rödluvan and Snövit: Hihi.

Maltatai: As I was saying before the recent immature outburst, I have been thinking about this thing with your armour, Snövit. Doesn’t it get stuck at icy objects in this cold weather, being all plate and such?

Snövit: No, I run around too much. I have to spend an appalling amount of energy running back and forth to keep my careless minions out of harms way. I never stand in the same spot long enough to start freezing. One of the invading bosses feasting on spines was particularly dangerous for the fragile and feeble underlings of mine.

Waheed: Come on, I did a lot of damage occasionally.

Snövit: Yes, and if you actually could do it and survive as well you would be really dependable. “sigh” Alright, Waheed did his job well in some cases and maybe it’s not really him I am angry with, more the great hype that exist about the town guards and how unbeatably awesome they are supposed to be. They are not! Perhaps they can wear more of the ultimate runewords and such that you can never collect unless you pass stuff from another character that has done hundreds of repetitive runs but for a less cheating character that actually works for her own equipment they are TROUBLESOME.

Maltatai: Your great idol had a lot of trouble with ghosts, gloams and succubi in the frozen river. How was yours?

Snövit: When I stepped down the passage we were attacked by a succubi pack shooting their balls from across the river to the east. They were mighty and very dangerous. Waheed, the by their beauty mightily blinded fool, stood on the river bank close to them and tried in vain to reach them. I did not even have time to shoot, I was too busy with making him get away from there. He died. Twice. It was the epitome of melee mercenary moronicness. Eventually I got them and them proceeded inwards. There were more and more succubi and serpents too. I hate serpents! I got tired of it all and left to invade another day.

On the second try I faced serpents again (!!!) and ice trolls, and gloams. Gloams, the dreaded enemy. HA! Fear the vigor of the thundergods thy meekly little puny things! They dealt hardly any damage! I owned them all. I actually met a conviction enchanted viper but no gloams of the same variety, luckily. And yes, the river is good for sniping, hehehe.

Telash: Get on with it!

Snövit: Yes, yes. We saw the abominable snowmen on the other side of the river eventually. They came at us not everyone at once due to the terrain and I slashed them with the fantastic Woestave. How I LOVE that weapon! After that, their cold immunity mattered little. Waheed became quite angry with Frozenstein for borrowing his aura. I was not too pleased with it either. It really slows you down to an annoying pace. Luckily we wont be seeing him again. Frozenstein, I mean, not Waheed. Just saying that if any of you thought I meant Waheed.



Waheed: Ha. Ha. Uncoolness is congregating next to me.

Telash: Hehe…

Maltatai: On a happier note, it seems that Anya has as usual caught up with her sense of manners and gifted you with useless items as usual. Malah has outdone both Anya and herself with a third resistance scroll.

Rödluvan: Tremble before us, magic users!

Maltatai: But not only that, it seems that Anya has actually composed some sort of song to your honour.

Snövit: Yes, she seems insistent on appointing us the “Rescue Rangers” of Harrogath or something like that. She made some kind of poster where we are depicted as chipmunks too…

Rödluvan: I actually think that was kind of sweet. You are the serious chipmunk and I am the funny one with the red shirt.

Snövit: Not totally inapt, I must confess.


The Amazon Rescue Rangers Song

Some times, some crimes
Go slipping through the ice
But these four
On tour
To roast Baal with much spice
Will thrash through the cave
And gently save
All barb-y girls, just call

Röd-Röd-Röd-Rödluvan
– Rescue Ranger
Röd-Röd-Röd-Rödluvans
Flame is danger
To every icy beast
That freaks you out
And makes you want to scream and shout

Light strikes, bolts bite
The gleam of Crescent Moon
Means storm time
They’re slime
Unless they are immune
When you need some help to light the cave
Telash will save the day

Snö-Snö-Snö-Snövit
– Rescue Ranger
Snö-Snö-Snö-Snövit
Is no stranger
To the freezing cold
That chills your heart
And makes all demons fall apart

Chill out – do no less
Wah-e-e-d has coolness
When he’s around
The spear is never down

Bow-Bow-Bow-Bowazons
– Rescue Rangers
Bow-Bow-Bow-Bowazons
Brave the danger
Neither twinked nor aided
By the mod
That gives you rune words that seem odd

_____________________________

Big crowds – no trouble
There fl-i-i-es one double
Barrage so large
Their shafts blot out the sun

Snövit and Rödluvan
– Rescue Rangers
Snövit and Rödluvan
When there’s danger
Both Deckard Cain and Anya
Can attest
That these two are the very best

Röd-Röd-Röd-Rödluvan
– Rescue Ranger
Snö-Snö-Snö-Snövit
– Rescue Ranger

Maltatai: Well done rescuing, both of you! Now the dangerous trail up to the summit lies before you where the climactic battle with the ever hated Ancients awaits. Over and out.


This post was edited by Maltatai on Jan 9 2017 02:32pm

Episode 28. Endgame of the Thrones

Maltatai: At proverbial roads end the protagonists stand. Broken shafts and mutilated corpses litter the way through the fifteen acts up to the Arreat Summit. The two brave…well, somewhat motivated at least, teams prepare for the apocalyptic contest with the evil oldtimers. At the Frozen Tundra, the Red Team met with devastating taunting, worthy of a French garrison repelling coconut-equipped English knights. Not only once, but TWICE in the same area was the noble Iron Wolf mercilessly mocked!



Rödluvan: First as a big oaf of a beast and then…a little orange imp. Pffffhihihi…

Telash: That was NOT FUNNY!

Rödluvan: …hihihhahahaHAHAHAAA! An imp! A tiny, orange little mini-devil!

Maltatai: For everyone’s information, the other two named enemies were two of the beasts that fought together at the same place. They were quite troublesome. Just like the imp must have been, being immune to lightning.

Telash: That joke was incredibly far-fetched! I am absolutely nothing like a tiny imp with an overgrown head!

Maltatai: Of course not. Now that I think of it, however, since we are approaching the end of this game which will hopefully take place at the Throne of Destruction, an imp wearing red would not be totally out of place…we already have two battle-hungry blonde knights (sort of), a fencing master teaching basic water-associated moves to his female student, and city guard/body guard causing his master so much trouble one sometimes wonder if he is worth the trouble.

Telash: But of course! We even have a faceless, “shifty” man from a land far away, don’t we?

Maltatai: You mean one of those that state “all men must die”?

Telash: Eh… Hm. I think the phrase you are looking for is “all men must serve”.

Rödluvan: Can we move on?

Maltatai: In a moment. I still think about this knight issue…we can’t have two battle-crazy noble knights. Now I know! With that crown and red clothes…and the, hrrrm, colourful personality traits, you could be a royal blonde woman dressed in red allied with the im…shorter man also dressed in red. Closely connected but not always quite as friendly as one might expect…

Rödluvan: I AM NOT HER!!!!! Chose something else immediately for me or I shall make you fit for the role of “random person in dramatic introductory part”!

Maltatai: I shall think about it. I would not wish that to come to pass and as the old saying goes, “a lame sister always pays her debts”. Or maybe it was “lard sister”? “Famed blister”? AHEM, anyway and as of now, I welcome you to the spectacular live reporting of the Whatever-the-clock News, broadcasting right from the Arreat Summit itseeeeelf!

And here we see the Red Flames Team emerging from the gate. Rödluvan opens a portal and is gathering potion after potion after potion and spreading them out in traditional manner. Now they seem ready. First roll. Extra fast and she rerolls! Next time andtherewecanseeacurseanditsrerollagain! New try and…what the heck happened to Telash? One-hit knock out? I’m sure nobody can blame Rödluvan for this reroll. She goes back to town to buy more portal scrolls…back again. New try. Extra fast again! She rerolls..and there it seems we have a doable combination!

Rödluvan is making for the edge of the summit followed by Telash and her somewhat slower valkyrie the old wise guys are on her tail but not literally and she turns and gets a few bolts off and score some hits which should slow the antiquities down and it seems like someone is coming alone who could it be it’s Madawc the always-first-to-fall as usual he gets obsessed with hitting Rödluvan but she blocks his axes with one of those sturdy decoys and is even changing armour at this time and place and Madawc is gone! 1-0 to the Red Flames.

Here comes Korlic the jolly jumper now without lucky double-wielding ranged backup and he…jumps and I suppose everyone expected that just as much as they expected Rödluvans dodging and sidestepping and it seems we will see a lot more of that since Korlic is completely ignoring both mercenary, valkyrie and decoy and jumps at her time and again and it seems hopeless to try and get a clear shot at him Rödluvan switches to the tried old tactics of hacking the enemy apart with her axe and there she rips out the not-excactly-living daylight of him! 2-0 to the Red Flames.

And now they are trying to lure out Talic from the southern reaches of the summit and look at the enchantments it is… DIE DIE DIE! SMASH HIS FACE RÖDLUVAN! DOWN WITH THE CREEP! YES! TALIC THE EVER-CURSED IS GONE! VICTORY IS THE RED FLAMES!



Snövit: I thought you once stated that you disliked the habit of sports reporters becoming personally engaged and shouting unheard encouragements instead of reporting sensibly.

Maltatai: Petty details as you like to point out so many times.

Snövit: Something tells me you have seen this particular kind of Talic before.

Maltatai: Are you joking? Stone skin/Fire Enchanted Talic has been a curse that has haunted more than half of all characters I have ever guardianed! He took two hours and fifteen minutes to beat with my first Amazon and slew the mercenary of my fire tree sorceress about two dozen times. Forever hated beyond all reasonability be he!

Rödluvan: Hello there. Has the editorial rant ceased? While you busied yourself with pointing out the disgustability of Talic I have cleared the World Stone keep. I found a great little charm, my last I guess, and a slightly less great enemy leader that exploded before being able to teleport next to me. Otherwise the keep had a disturbingly high quantity of fat demons with whips, one which had both conviction and fire enchantment. I also thwarted a stair trap at the last stair by using the Nadir helm, quite magnificently elegant of me I must say.



Maltatai: I was not ranting, I merely answered Snövit’s question! Besides, I’m pretty sure disgustability is not a real word…how did you manage clearing the whole keep in this short time by the way? Or is some of it left?

Rödluvan: I’ve always been quick… Yes it is all clear. Even the horrible corner to the southeast. That one will give me nightmares forever I fear. All had gone fairly smooth until I walked south and approached it. I was hit by a barrage of maybe five simultaneous lightning bolts! There were not only one but two intermingled boss packs in the corner, one with the might aura. I was less than a second from dying of all that lightning and had to burn purple potions like mad when running back. Only my highly trained reflexes saved me. I really should have scouted better.

After the burning souls backed up by witches the summoned minions of Baal the sneering snob were quite easy in comparison. The second wave was as often very time-consuming because there were three burning souls in the hall that got raised again and again. My mixed damage worked well when facing the venom lords and council members. Telash was of good use against the former. Not quite so good against Lister…how it must torment him, hehehe…

Telash: I don’t believe it! “How it must torment him”? That has to be the lamest pun ever thought of in the history of wittiness!



Rödluvan: Now shut up and get ready, we are going down! Down as in downstairs and into the portal.

Maltatai: Now let’s see… There Rödluvan enters and she is making straight for Baal the Lord of Disgusting with the fiercely glowing strengthy kris in her hand in true Rödluvan style! Suddenly Rödluvan is switching to the axe and she hits him, that ought to slow the slimeball down, and appendages are everywhere and Baal seem to hit hard and fast even with the slowing applied!



Now she is moving to the north of the chamber, Baal clones, she portals up and back again, more stabbing and decoys, NO! Telash falls to a surprise strike by the decoy! It looked like just one hit was enough! Rödluvan portals up and resurrects the now quite more angry mage and returns down to continue the battle from afar. Bolt after bolt is flying out with pyrotechnic messages…



The pillars are blocking the line of sight but THERE! BAAL IS FALLING APART! A VAST TRIUMPH FOR THE AMAZONIAN COLLECTIVE AND THE RED FLAMES! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!

This post was edited by Maltatai on Jan 11 2017 02:34pm

Rödluvan: Rrrraaaagh!!! Die demon!

Telash: All shall tremble before the mighty magic of the Red party!

Snövit: You made it sweetheart!

Waheed: Cool battle.

Maltatai: An incredible performance! Please accept my most solidarical congratulations, Guardian Rödluvan!



Snövit: Waheed, up with you! Hostile takeover of the Arreat Summit awaits! Onward!

Maltatai: Learning from the slight oversights of Rödluvan, Snövit has remembered to buy extra arrows that she is scattering around the summit together with potions of both kinds. Now Guided Arrow will be put to the ultimate test. Is it good for more than picking off shamans in crowds?

There they come! Big and ugly and shining the ancients bear down on Snövit and Waheed and…don’t seem to stand a chance to catch them. All ancients have taken at least one guided arrow from Snövit and coupled with Waheeds aura and her extreme speed this is turning into the greatest humiliation ever witnessed on this mountain! The valkyrie and Waheed are for the most part off-screen and not targeted by the old men, Waheed just adding his aura which is the ideal way of him to contribute – if only he acted like that at other times too! Snövit is turning and loosing arrow after arrow and she doesn’t even seem to lose mana!

Snövit can not leech life but she can leech a bit of mana and it is evidently enough. The ancients are frozen and slowed and they fall! Only Talic is left! Snövit is switching to frozen arrows but that drain her mana rapidly and the effect seems hardly worth it, she is drinking two blue potions to sustain the barrage until switching back to the guided arrows…TALIC IS DOWN! NOT ONE BIT LIKE WHEN SNÖVITS IDOL FACED HIM! THIS IS INCREDIBLE BEYOND BELIEF! SNÖVIT DEFEATS THE ANCIENTS WITH NO CASUALTIES NEEDING ONLY ONE EXTRA QUIVER OF ARROWS AND TWO UNNECESSARY MANA POTIONS!



Snövit: Muuuuahahahaha! Fear me, slug-brains!

Waheed: Chill out, boss.

Rödluvan: Sweetheart! Congratulations! “hugs and kisses Snövit”

Snövit: Mmfff! You’re strangling me!

Rödluvan: Oh, ehm, just caught up in the moment.

“Rödluvan runs and does the same to Meshif and runs back”

Rödluvan: So! All even!

Meshif: The logic reason here being…?

Rödluvan: Now none of you can have any worries about your relationship being disturbed because I was equally friendly to both of you so I can’t be said to steal one away from the other.

Snövit: Rödluvan, we trust you! You don’t have to reassure the world that you are not a succubus all the time.

Maltatai: Do you have any comment after this fantastic perfo…

Snövit: Later! I must clear the Worldstone Keep! At LAST I won’t have to wade in heaps of cold immunes any more!

Maltatai: Right. Ahem, where were we…ah, yes, there she is, running through the upper levels of the keep like an avalanche in plated form. Evidently nothing can stand against the mighty frost judging by the pools of melting ice on the floor…what was that? Gloams! Dealing…PATHETIC damage thanks to a certain vigorous belt, hehehehe. A bad day for most of the legendary feared enemies in this game. Now the Blue Snow Team is about to descend to the last level…Snövit is portaling back to don her Nadir cap to thwart stairtraps. It is ever a mystery to me how that cheap runeword isn’t used by more people. Let’s see what awaits down there…ha! Just some dark lords! What a feeble stairtrap.

Now the capitalistic companions continue northward among the socialistic surroundings. There is something bawling over there… Minotaurs! A pack of champions coming from the right and apparently a bosspack trailing them! Snövit retreats, with two champions on her tail. Despite slashing with the Woestave and retrieving Cleglaws Pincers for this moment it is a hard fight and Waheed is close to dying many times. After this concentrated difficulty the rest of the area is presenting quite the vacation in comparison.

This post was edited by Maltatai on Jan 11 2017 02:34pm

Now Snövit stands before Baal the sneering. The first wave is easily handled but the second proves quite tedious. The skeletal mages are immune to cold and can’t be shattered. Snövit retreats towards the corridor. The skeletons pursue and more and more leave the range of their unravelling overseers. Snövit steps forward into a gap in the lines and is immediately poisoned. Coughing she portals back to Malah and then returns. After more luring away of skeletons the Blue Snow Team can at last advance from the right side of the room and shoot down Achmel the Troublesome from outside the range of his venomous stench.



Here comes the councillors, perhaps responsible for counselling Baal to send out all his minion waves one at a time instead of everything at once. Obviously they are of great use to him… Snövit makes fine use of guided arrows and her speed, Waheed is badly burnt of course, and the council members straying too close are frozen by the blue arrows. There goes Bartuc, and there the last council member. Meeting session is over for today. Now come the Ventriloquist Ventar and grunts without opening his mouth. The mighty demons smash the valkyrie and Snövit curses and portals up to get her summoning gear on. Back at the hall she holds her position and holds the enemy totally at bay with her freezing arrows! While boss enemies can not be frozen, apparently some of their body parts can, as Ventar shows. There comes a new valkyrie and the venom lords are gone!

Last wave, the dreaded minions of destruction. Snövit casts a decoy up ahead to draw them out of decrepifying range and they take the bait. Waheed and the valkyrie blocks, for once staying together and cooperating, as Snövit looses arrow after arrow and TOTALLY FREEZES THEM! All but Lister are rendered passive ice cubes! What a humiliating defeat for the minions of not-especially-much-destruction! Lister goes down and Snövit looks around at the spoils to see…bolts. Bolts and bolts and bolts and NO ARROWS AT ALL. Furious she returns to town to resupply.



Snövit: Why is it always the same!? When you wield crossbows you get arrows and when you wield bows you get bolts!

Waheed: Be cool, boss. We can afford new quivers.

Snövit: It’s not the price, it is the principle! Baal shall die for this!

Maltatai: Yes, I think that is the main idea here, somehow.

Snövit: …

Maltatai: Just saying. I might be wrong, of course. It’s a far-fetched guess, that’s all. A…

Snövit: Quiet over there! Fetch me my kris and shield and put the bow in my stash!

Maltatai: Did I hear correctly? No bow?

Rödluvan: What’s next? Larzuk saying something witty? Deckard Cain getting to the point quickly? Responsible financial policies in Europe?

Maltatai: There Snövit portals back and portals down. She rushes at Baal with glowing eyes and shield raised! Meshif is walking back and forth with anxiety, nearly tripping over his own feet…

Meshif: I am not! I merely dislike a sedentary lifestyle watching screens constantly. It’s boring to do the same thing always.

Maltatai: Snövit is making short work of Baals defences with Inner Sight! What a successful new investment that has turned out to be! It seems to be superior to the maxed penetrate skill but perhaps it would have evened out if none of the protagonists had found an enchanting weapon. Snövit attacks fast! She stabs Baal time and again but he strikes back with vicius fury despite the slowing from a slash with the ever useful Woestave! Waheed and the valkyrie have caught up and the latter is nearly down!



This post was edited by Maltatai on Jan 11 2017 02:36pm

Snövit portals up several times now and Baal is draining her treasury steadily with his elemental attacks that Waheed of course has no sense to avoid. Snövit goes back to change to her bow again, Baal is now down below a quarter of his health! Snövit dodges and hides behind pillars, she snipes Baal with guided arrows which have little effect. Forgoing her usual style and grace, Snövit steps out and looses frozen arrows from a close distance! Baal teleports back towards the Worldstone with the Blue Snow team in hot pursuit…cold pursuit! The demon raises his arm and speaks a dreadful curse but he is interrupted by the shrill war cry of Snövit and a blue, icy arrow right in his mouth! Baal trembles and falls apart! He slides down the bridge and almost falls down into the archetypical abyss! VICTORY IS SNÖVITS! Wait, what is that? The roof opens and something glowing is descending. It is…that he has the guts to show up here after all!



Snövit: RÖDLUVAN!

Rödluvan: ON MY WAY!

Tyrael: I am impressed, mortal. You have…what are you doing!?

Snövit: Aim!

Rödluvan: Loose arrows!

Maltatai: Tyrael has landed in front of the stone and the two Amazons are opening fire/cold at him! The arch-moron is hit by shaft after shaft and is pushed back further and further towards the Worldstone!

Tyrael: Cease! The power of heaven compels you!

Snövit: You scum! Your hubrid pride doomed the world twice! You tore me away from meshif!

Tyrael: Insolent human! Do you even presume to grasp a sliver of the complex forces at work here? You can not even begin to understand the grave task I had to undertake for the sake of the world.

Rödluvan: You were just supposed to hit a freaking stone the size of a mountain covering half the room with your sword! And you could even have asked us for help! But oh, no, the big and mighty Tyrael will of course not deign to leave such tasks to mere humans! What, the next minute we might even realise we can manage on our own without being the pawns of Heavenly hypocrites!

Tyrael: Aaaaah!

Maltatai: THE ARCHANGEL IS PINNED AGAINST THE STONE! ARROW AFTER ARROW IS HAMMERING HIM EVEN DEEPER INTO IT! CRACKS ARE FORMING FROM THE CONSTANT POUNDING AND THE STONE IS GIVING IN! TYRAEL AND HIS SWORD IS SMASHING THE STONE PROPELLED BY AMAZONIAN ARROWS! WHAT A SIGHT!



Rödluvan: That seems to have got the stone thoroughly. Or do you think you need to bash each fragment of the Worldstone against the angel as well to shatter it even more?

Tyrael: No! Uuuh…did anyone see the licence plate on that Star Destroyer that ran over me…

Snövit: I am unsure…I really would not want to part ways with Meshif a second time.

Maltatai: No, the job is done and the campaign is over. Unless you would one day like to hunt down Nihlatak in his disgusting temple. But as he can’t do any harm from there, let alone get away with the vast chasm outside the door, it might be easier to just have Anya close the portal and let him rot in his exploded muck. You are both appointed Guardians of the World and will likely enjoy eternal fame.

Rödluvan: Meh…

Maltatai: And eternal free drinks, massive gold fortunes and masses of admirers clinging to you as a result of the fame.

Rödluvan: Now we’re getting to the important part! All potions are on the house and all rogues are on me! ...Eh, what did I just say?

Snövit: The truth.

Telash: The whole truth.

Waheed: And nothing but the truth.

Maltatai: At least if you view the second part more as a forecast than as a statement of current events…I take it you will celebrate now in some way?

Snövit: Yes! And this time nothing shall be able to disturb our grand feast. Now let’s get started with the cold drinks and Waheed, could you get that cart of spices and…

Rödluvan: Not even an hour of peacetime and she’s turning into the matron of the entire Lycander.

Snövit: I am NOT! I just want the feast to be ready before the end of this year!

Rödluvan: I was joking! But it’s not a coincidence that most aprons are white.

Snövit: And what is that supposed to mean?

Rödluvan: Just saying. As a matter of no particular fact.

Maltatai: Aaaah! Mush have break from this ceaseless bickering! Over and out!

This post was edited by Maltatai on Jan 11 2017 02:39pm