Epic!

Episode 23. Time for End of Sands

Maltatai: This is the Whatever-the-clock News. The ruler of Lut Gholein has yesterday been overthrown following the shocking revelations about his negligence regarding the defence of the city and failure to inform the public about the imminent danger coming from his own palace. Adding to the severity of his dereliction is of course the inattention to awesomeness of the two adventuring parties residing in the town which evidently would have been able to handle the cellar intruders with little difficulty before every local town guard perished. Jerhyn the Jelly-Brain has refused to comment the allegations and is awaiting trial in Greiz’s office along with his legal councillor Drognan who incidentally in is arrested as well, accused of aiding the fraud and embezzlement of public wands.

Following the tardy admittance to the palace, the invaded cellars were retaken by the named adventurers without much difficulty. Snövit demonstrated commendable tactical insight by using the barred passages to shoot through. The arcane sanctuary was a laughable piece of Atmas latest dessert recipe for Rödluvan while the ghosts and ghoul lords proved extremely irritating for Snövit. Cursing the inefficiency of her bow Snövit left and turned to clear out the maggot lair which she managed to do expeditiously thanks to a convenient map. Pleasantly surprisingly enough, Coldworm had collected a three-socket gorgon crossbow for unknown reasons. Snövit, who happened to possess three Lum runes and a Shael, went back to normal to assemble a flawed amethyst and a Nef rune.

Following the nightmarish discovery that dropping the Horadric staff on the ground rendered her unable to pick it up again Snövit faced the prospect of facing Fangskin a second time to retrieve the amulet once again. Unwilling to accept the stupidity of the game refusing to recognize a staff as the hell version of itself and nothing else she appealed to higher powers which terminated the questing session without saving, which saved her. The higher powers have not yet been reached for a commentary.

Going back another time proved much more fruitful and the Melody of the gorgons was heard merrily hitting the ghoul lords with decent effect. Snövit also managed to discover the Skin of the Vipermagi which one of Bishibosh’s underlings carried for unknown reasons. While Waheed is now more stylishly equipped beneath his customary robes he remains inefficient and more liability than asset in many situations. The summoner proved totally helpless and pathetic when confronted with either adventuring party.

The situation was initially reversed when Snövit and Rödluvan stepped into the canyon of magi as beetles and cats gave Rödluvan a tedious if not very hard time but melted before Snövit. In the tombs however Snövit had stupefying troubles with the greater mummies and gorebellies, both cold immune. One gorebelly boss even made her pick up the lightning fury path with a matriarchal javeling she conveniently found. The burning dead were melted with savage glee but their commanders took many arrows during which the idiot minions managed to get themselves severely poisoned and injured. While Telash did not do enormous damage he at least stayed out of harms way for most of the time. Rödluvan had some trouble with skeletal packs but managed to run around most and nail their bosses to the walls.

Now news from abroad: The creatures of some unknown layer of hell are celebrating the return of none other than Duriel the Disgusting. The maggot mongrel was last assigned to guard an empty tomb with a boring archangel inside which must have been hellish indeed due to the company. Thanks to the valiant efforts of Rödluvan and Snövit he is now liberated and can spread his cold slime and goo someplace else. We have the two archers with us in the studio; welcome!

Rödluvan: This is no studio, this is just you ranting aimlessly in a far-fetched attempt to mimic a TV-programme.

Maltatai: For crying out loud, don’t cry that out loud!

Snövit: I must say the welcoming here is overwhelming in its hospitality and generosity.

Maltatai: Yes, isn’t it…How was Duriel, apart from overgrown, flabby and stinking?

Rödluvan: Utterly pathetic. My valkyrie could tank him with little problem aided by my decoy. I could even fire magic arrows at him and sustain my mana that way! What a loser. Haaahahaha!

Snövit: Aaaargh! He was unbearable! 95% cold resistance and the stupid Waheed who could never grasp even the simplest basics of hit and run tactics or the benefits of standing behind a decoy to jab at the enemy! Not only that, but my valkyrie mutinied and would not engage! The traitor! Waheed died the first time after costing me a fortune in potions and scrolls of town portal.

Maltatai: First time?

Snövit: Yes, I was so mad with the maggot that I went back one more time just to show him! That time Waheed got the Woestave and it went a little bit better with no deaths, but still an utter fail when it comes to tactics and minion reliability. That I, a bowazon, should have to tank for an Act II town guard! Will I have to do EVERYTHING in this company?!

Maltatai: Any of the famous five scrolls of town portal drops?

Snövit: Actually not, but hardly anything useful. I got the Viscerataunt unique defender. I feel taunted indeed. A sorceress shield…worthless.

Rödluvan: I had better luck, I got an ethereal Demon Limd (typical cruel humor of Duriel) but also Raven Frost! That will come in handy against Baals hoarfrost and other monstrous cold attacks. I thought Duriel was so pathetic that I dressed up in my best treasure hunting gear before he fell. Evidently worth it.





Maltatai: Aaaaand what about the greatest of all evils, the clotted git of whitish squidiness?

Snövit: Damn him! I had just got around the corner when I saw him floating upwards! I hope his celestial head really crashed into the roof.

Rödluvan: I had just raised my crossbow to aim when he hovered out of sight! The insufferable, infernal, indisputably inconceivably inbearable…unbearable…

Maltatai: Thank you, thank you. Now the weather forecast: Warm and cold air is congregating in the Eastern Sea leading to unstable weather and likely rain, possibly of arrows. There is some possibility of thunder and ground level frost as well. Winds from west and northwest; 5 to 15 metres per second. Between 18 and 22 degrees. Aranoch: dry and sunny and uncomfortably hot as the last millennium except for blizzards cast by visiting mages.

Now the Economy of the Week, or maybe it was the Economy of the Weak? The Blue Corporation has recently stunned the financial world not too busy with running for their lives from demonic monsters, by selling all the shares except for a symbolic 20th in Magic Arrow and instead investing in Inner Sight! I (again) greet Snövit, now in the capacity of capitalist, executive board, owner, representative and generally boss of the corporation. What prompted this decision?

Snövit: The original investment in Magic Arrow rested partially on the perceived benefits of accuracy from the skill, which would compensate for lack of penetrate on my part. It later turned out that the whole Magic Arrow business is bugged or something and the increased accuracy is as non-existent as a trustworthy European financial policy. Furthermore, it is bugging me that Rödluvan has the benefit of casting a red spell while I do not cast a blue or white one. Inner sight fills this gap. It looks white and a little bluish and really makes a difference for hitting, aiding both me and my minions….hrm, trusted employees.

Maltatai: That will be all from the Whatever-the-clock News. Thank you and good night.

Rödluvan: That is not exactly what I imagined television fame would be like.

Snövit: There could certainly be more profit involved.

Rödluvan: And more political influence.

Maltatai: Such a shame…news services that attempt to achieve some sort of independence. How disgusting. Perhaps you could persuade Drognan or some other weak-willed and feeble mind to broadcast for you in the future. I also wonder what will be found among Drognans personal stuff, if he has a secret study or laboratory or something. Perhaps a hidden observatory? He did after all claim to have “researched” the lengthy viper eclipse. I wonder how. Did he stare aimlessly out in the darkness or what? How can you research utter darkness?

Snövit: What can you expect after his advice to Jerhyn regarding the Arcane Sanctuary?

Rödluvan: Drognans answer to a blockaded pass west – hire that red little travel agent with pointy ears and teeth that says “Rakanishu” every now and then and has promised to take us on an “alternative route” west. Drognans answer to shortage of guards – how about summoning some of these nice horned fellows that has such tremendous references? Drognans answer for travelling east - let’s dispense with all the lifeboats and lanterns so we can all fit in on just one ship more easily. Drognans…

Maltatai: …answer to how to wreak vengeance on those who contributed to his downfall – compel them to spend eternities speculating about his potential shortcomings until they drop down dead from fatigue and dehydration. Moving on…wait, what’s that music in the distance?

Snövit: That is the grand festival of Lut Gholein, a new tradition starting…now, to celebrate the end of being sieged by monsters.

Rödluvan: After plundering Jerhyns storerooms, there are actually quite a lot of delicious dishes for everyone. AND we also have musical performance. Cain himself has promised to honour the town with a bit of his famous rap!

Snövit: I never knew he could do that.

Maltatai: He’s performed it on the stage of hellish harassment and infernal despair and bickering. Also known as the pit of impoliteness, hole of anguish, bully’s sanctuary and idiots retreat. The place where every comment, no matter how sensible, ultimately is met by trolling idiocy and rudeness, insults and humiliation.

Snövit: Ah, you mean YouTube.

Maltatai: That’s what I said. You have to pay attention, as you like to point out to me.

Rödluvan: Do you know how to rap, Maltatai?

Maltatai: I could perform a very short piece of rap that is not actually a song, and probably come up with a satirical text for another, but otherwise no.

Snövit: Short piece that is not a song?

Maltatai: “knocks at his desk with his knuckles”

Rödluvan: What is that supposed to mean?

Maltatai: The knuckle rap! The shortest rap possible! It can also be a sign of approval or respect, a more discreet version of applauses. Brilliant, isn’t it?

Rödluva: “Siiiigh”

Snövit: D’oh smiley

Maltatai: Am I not a genius beyond imagination? From one thing to the other, any celebrities I know coming tonight?

Snövit: We have invited the Act I NPC:s but most were too busy with clearing the monastery. Except for Akara, who seemed to be very interested in rap as soon as I mentioned who the singer would be. It’s strange, when I told them we had found the best of Jerhyns royal drinks some rogues seemed somehow…disappointed. Maybe they don’t like royal stuff. It wouldn’t be too surprising for people known as “rogues” but I wonder what they had hoped to be served instead?

Rödluvan: Alas, we can only speculate…

Snövit: Yes…hey! Suddenly I am struck by the possibility that some potential guests may have wanted certain red brews! Is THAT why they were disappointed, perhaps…

Rödluvan: Hrrm…speaking of the rogues, I see your hair is notably un-slimy.

Snövit: Yes, and combed, no thanks to you!

Rödluvan: Since when am I responsible for your hairstyle and combing ineptitude?

Snövit: Since you started the slightly inconvenient tradition of getting rogues drunk on Floria’s Flowery Flame and Blaise’s Burning Beauty? It was almost impossible to get out of that tent after I had unslimed myself.

Maltatai: Florias…the first of the new, fashionable names for Lysanders customised recipes?

Rödluvan: Exactly. Aren’t they just awesome?

Snövit: Indeed. They seem to get to your head quickly…causing actually quite inappropriate behaviour. People are supposed to be able to bathe undisturbed and peacefully in a sauna.

Rödluvan: I beg to differ as to the applicability of such etiquette rules. While I do not dispute the interpretation of them, I would say that the rogues tents, while they do try to mimic the environment of a sauna, are to be regarded as rogue steam tents and that’s that. Sauna rules would not apply even if they by all means may be examined for inspiration.

Snövit: Bah! Ha! A laughable excuse for the inappropriate behaviour of the Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye, for which I am holding you personally responsible by the way. Nevertheless, I got the slime off and that’s what counts. One of the named traditions I am particularly fond of is having that vihta/vasta bough of birch, which both comes in handy for the scent and for fencing away somewhat overly friendly company at times.

Maltatai: How on earth did you find birch leaves in Act I? I’ve never seen any birches there.

Snövit: Ah, a petty technicality. So, the basic fencing moves that Meshif has taught me proved highly useful. I heroically fought my way out to the exit like a slashing swashbuckler. Particularly the right-handed manoeuvre in a critical moment was critical to my success. I finnished with a dashing exit and story villain laugh and promise to return which earned me laughs and almost a golden statuette.

Rödluvan: It’s left-handed! And also “finished”, not “finnished”.

Maltatai: Can we have some explanation, please?

Snövit: It’s “finnished”. Saunas are originally a Baltic, especially Finnish, thing. Hence you “finnish” bathing when you have had enough. Now, if you are hard pressed by an opponent, you just need to state that you are in fact not left-handed, switch to fencing with your right hand, and then you are bound to win the battle. Unless your opponent also knows about the trick. Like;

“I admit that you are better than I am”
“Then why are you smiling?”
“Because I know something you don’t know”
“And what is that?”
“I am not left-handed!”

Rödluvan: You have got it all wrong! You do of course start with the sword in your right hand because you have to hide the fact that you are left-handed. Like,

“There’s something I ought to tell you”
“Tell me”
“I’m not right-handed either”

And then you turn a dire disadvantage into total triumph.

Maltatai: Provided of course that you are ambidextrous enough to fence with your off-hand for enough time to score a dramatic revelation moment. Aren’t you two supposed to be civil to each other nowadays?

Rödluvan: Oh, eh, sorry. Got a bit carried away.

Snövit: Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.

Maltatai: I got them to shut up and stop bickering for a moment? Inconceivable! Anyone else I know coming to the feast, princesses and brides?

Rödluvan: Greiz and most of his mercenaries are just sulky that we got all the loot…glory. But I managed to convince two of them to join us. They’re called Azrael and Pratham. They have apparently been abroad in their past and seem to be a lot less merc-like than Greiz.

Snövit: Meshif is coming of course.

Maltatai: Oh, really? I could never have expected that.

Rödluvan: Just ignore him. Maltatai, I mean, not Meshif of course. How is it going?

Snövit: Well, I guess. I think we have both been rather stressed about all this monster business here and I haven’t had so much time for him as I would have liked to. Meshif on his part has been very frustrated about being stuck here and maybe he took it out on me a bit. I’m NOT a “pal” of Jerhyn! The thought! I almost skewered the little brat when he mentioned how he feared Meshif was “growing impatient” with him. To say the least! I hope he rots in his dungeon before any trials and rises as a greater mummy so I can slay him time and again!

Later, though, Meshif apologised sort of, and said that he probably hadn’t been very friendly lately. He was feeling miserable for not being able to help more, being inexperienced with desert matters and all. I said I was sorry for acting like obsessed with finding ways to deal with cold immunes. Then we started to argue about who had behaved the worst, each of us pressing the point that the other was generally blameless, and it ended in a draw. Meshif gave me a kiss and urged me to end the sand business quickly since he was eager to set sail with me.



Rödluvan: Awwwww…

Maltatai: Excuse me, I will go and feel sick for a while…

Rödluvan: Tomorrow we set sail! Yippieee!

Snövit: Wohooo!

Maltatai: You seem keen on sailing. Do all Amazons like sailing that much?

Snövit: Only those who are like us.

Maltatai: Nagging, bantering, bickering and totally greedy, vain and occasionally ridiculously romantic?

Rödluvan: No, you moron! Those who are BOWAZONS!

Maltatai: And why is that? Because you can shoot easily from a ship? But javelins should be equally good, both have been popular among marines historically.

Snövit: What…no, because SHIPS HAVE BOWS. Just like a bowazon has a bow. Duuuuh!

Maltatai: . Not that kind of bow! That’s the stupidest, most far-fetched…Over and out.

Episode 24. Meshif's Logbook

Captains Log, Sea Date 2131, morning

Uuuuuuh….Who parked that frenzied Pit Lord inside my head? Personal note: Never trust Amazonian “rustic home-brewed traditional classic” thing of any kind again. Will go and ask Snövit if she knows some way to cool the head. Being specialised in frost arrows she should know about such things. Besides, she ought to be experienced in the art of suffering from liquid anguish like this.


Captains Log, Sea Date 2131, midday

Got ice arrows from Snövit that helped a slight bit if held near the head. She was really considerate. Being madly in love really rocks but it’s not a little bit inconvenient sometimes. I totally forgot what I was supposed to ask when Snövit opened her door. It felt like hours before I could remember what to say. Really embarrassing. I hope this won’t happen when we run into the Kurast customs inspectors, they are troublesome enough as it is. Soon time to weigh anchor and be off this overgrown beach!


Captains Log, Sea Date 2131, afternoon

Finally we’re away from Lut Gholein, Jerhyn and pesky indirect expropriations. I am so not coming back here in a long time. To the last moment I feared some new bureaucratic blunder would render me land-wrecked in this forsaken clay outpost. The passengers have installed themselves on the ship as if they had travelled with me dozens of times. It’s like they knew every part onboard from first hand experience. Very odd. Maybe it is something like the inner sight and penetrating gaze the amazons are famous for. On the other hand, I find it strangely familiar being with Snövit. It’s like we’ve met some time before. Maybe in another life, if you believe some of the old religion stuff back home.


Captains Log, Sea Date 2134

Telash mentioned today how many people still mistake the little transport and pilot boats used in Lut Gholein and Kurast to get out to my elegant brig anchored in the bay, for the real thing! That’s insane! He may have been joking, but he seemed quite sincere. I mean, those little vessels are not even large enough to be called ships, let alone be of any use evacuating a town, even one as tiny as Lut Gholein. Or Lard Golem, as I will call it henceforth until Jerhyn makes up for delaying me like this.


Captains Log, Sea Date 2135

Snövit and Waheed are still are still not on terms with each other. It’s sad since they have otherwise much in common. Snövit blames Waheed for charging heedlessly into dangers without any second thought and no regard for tactics, endangering the whole party and taking damage needlessly. Waheed on his hand claims it would be a different matter if he only had got the proper gear to do his job in the first place instead of “this silly little strength stick”. Snövit usually replies that no matter how well equipped, Waheed should have stayed behind the decoy and valkyrie and used the reach of the spear to keep a safer distance, not to mention not engage without orders. With the frosty relations between the two, I am almost surprised the sea around us hasn’t frozen yet, salty or not. There will surely be ample energy for frozen arrows and holy freeze auras to gather on this trip. At least Rödluvan and Telash usually manage to thaw things when they are around, archetypically true to their theme.


Captains Log, Sea Date 2138

Despite hard studies, I have yet to understand Amazon humour, I think. Rödluvan repeatedly remarks how astonishing it is that Snövit is still standing and has yet to shift into green, while Snövit is equally driven to mention how the last archery contest onboard ended. That has to be some sort of joke, because Snövit has never shown any hint of seasickness as far as I have seen, which is the most since she has moved in with me in my cabin, and there hasn’t been any archery contest on this journey.


Captains Log, Sea Date 2139

Increasingly bad weather. Have dropped most sails and ordered all goods secured in case of a storm.


Captains Log, Sea Date 2140

Storm inbound. Snövit and Rödluvan have summoned valkyries to retrieve anyone should they fall overboard, and act as emergency lanterns. These glowing fellows are actually quite practical. Luckily they consented to drop their portable gold reserves before assuming their stations as life guards. I can’t believe why Athulua equips them like that – the Amazons are after all a seafaring people. First time I have seen a valkyrie without plate armour. They look quite like Rödluvan now, in the Amazonian light armour.

The presence of the valkyries seems to have had weird effects on some of the more cheesy and tasteless crewmembers. Sometimes I imagine myself seeing one or two eyeing the water thoughtfully as if calculating whether the cold and the high waves would be an acceptable risk for the opportunity of being rescued by divine blondes in red swimsuits. Damn it, if I catch anyone neglecting their duties because of that, I’ll send them on scouting duty to Telash in the crows nest! That mage is totally mad. He believes he can direct and turn away lightning should it threaten to strike the ship, and insists that he should be posted as high up as possible.


Captains Log, Sea Date 2142

Storm’s passing, it seems. Everyone is still onboard as far as I can see. The crows’ nests have had a recent population growth that would hitherto be thought impossible. I can’t believe it. By all means, Snövit certainly look even better unplated and is resting to rest my eyes on, but not in the MIDDLE OF A FREAKING STORM! How can otherwise (at least mostly…make that sometimes…occasionally) sensible men and women become so obsessed with gawping stupidly at the Valkwatch?*

*Catchy name is it not? Valkyries really are a new milestone (or maybe nautical mile-buoy) in the field (should be sea, what use could maritime things be in a field) of maritime safety.


Captains Log, Sea Date 2143

To pass the time we have begun betting on all kinds of petty and insignificant things. The latest is the meaning of Faras comment when Rödluvan informed her that Radament was dead, or back to being a normal corpse at least. “As you have helped Atma and all of us, so shall I help you”. The most obvious interpretation would be that she will literally help to dispose of a greater mummy that has eaten Rödluvans relatives. However, no undead have been seen on the Amazonian Islands as far as we know. She could be referring to general sewer maintenance also, probably being an apt plumber with her metal-working skills. On the other hand, Rödluvan doesn’t have any drains or pipes needing fixing, in fact she possesses neither of them at all, perhaps not even having a house. Just blacksmithing aid seems a little too obvious and Fara was already doing that.


Captains Log, Sea Date 2145

We are nearing the Kurast coastline ands should be able to see it tomorrow. I haven’t been here for years. I do hope it’s not as bad as people say it’s become.


Captains Log, Sea Date 2146

We have found the coast alright, but at the same time not. It’s just a bunch of trees everywhere and no shore! What the hell is going on here? The passengers view the jungle with grim determination and sympathy for us, and Snövit assures me it can be fixed in time. Even the Argentek River is being covered in vines and swamp. I suppose being an adventurer hunting demons all week makes you hardened but I on my hand almost wish I hadn’t returned here. At least it’s soon my and Snövits one month anniversary. I wonder if I can find something useful to give her. I don’t have many elite unique artefacts in my cargo. I guess the closest thing is that old bird statue that was supposed to augment your life. I bought it in the west, from a peg-legged boy hailing from Tristram or something. He was a greedy little weasel (apologies to all the weasels of the world), almost demanding money simply to show it to me.

Suddenly I am overcome with a strange urge to write "Over and out" in my log. Must be the jungle corruption. Over and out.

This post was edited by Maltatai on Dec 29 2016 11:39pm

I admire your writing skills

Episode 25. Highway to Hell

Telash: Hahaa! This is none other than Telash, the big bad iron wolf, speaking. Tremble before the mighty thunder god and master of arcane secrets! For too long has this tale been in the hands of the less crude elements of storytelling (read: Maltatai) but now that will fortunately change. Since some time ago, Kurast is finally (hopefully) liberated from the hateful clutches of Mephisto, Sankekur and the church, leaving glorious scallywag mercenary mages free to roam the glorious east as we please.

For one growing up in a jungle nation I am probably less than expectedly thrilled by gardening. In the old days that worked because the lumbering hulks were also lumberjacks and dealt with irregularities in the flora. Now all we have is this stinking log next to the harbour, that’s the only thing left of any garden hulks who have gone rogue and turned to banditry. But without bows. That would have looked silly. Imagine that, giant thorned hulks trying to aim a little shortbow and keep an arrow held between their two huge pincers.

Coming here was dull. Two waves of demonic corruption upon the world, three arrivals by Meshif’s ship, and nothing has changed! Hratli is still smirking and secretly laughing at everyone except himself, Ormus does his best to irritate everyone and Alkor is mad. This better be the last time we have to go through all this. Otherwise I’ll short-circuit the Heavens and set Hell into stand-by mode.

The initial swarms of little annoying midgets were handled without much trouble or attention by the glorious red team. One of their bosses really stood out when it comes to tastelessness:



There was no living with Rödluvan after that! No, that is not what corrupted Iron Wolfs turn into, nor is it my evil twin or other kind of relative! And the Iron Wolves will not change their name into that. Although, now that I think of it, I shouldn’t really care since I am no freelancing since the, hrrm, sand-witch incident. Asheara really just overreacted.

As for the other boss, yes we know you are a flaying little midget-thing. Talk about an unstable sense of identity. Like having Mephisto calling himself “Mephisto the Demon” or “Mephisto the Prime Evil”. The worm-filled Necro skull dropped at his feet by the way. Maybe he was caught wearing it once and had since then been suspected of secretly being a necromancer. That would explain the overcompensating naming.

The Blue Team was of course initially distracted, obsessively when it comes to the blonde 50% of it, with jade presents and exchanging them for a tormented sea captains golden bird. We on the Red Team have also had our share of jade-related charm, but of a more concrete kind.



Strolling through the stylish (say what you will about the Zakarumites, but they do know how to design a gate) entrance into Kurast I suddenly recalled when the church was beginning to show signs of its apparent withering and one of my Iron Wolf Colleagues, Jarulf, not the brightest spark in the sky, asked me if I could do his shift of reporting.

“Hey Shakesparke, I got something…scholastic…to discuss with ya. What I’m saying is: you’re Mr Bookkeeping, right? And I got this essay on the fall of Kurast. I didn’t even know they were in trouble!”

That last comment was supposed to be funny enough to overshadow his appalling thick-headed stupidity with its witty charm. It failed. I asked him to get to the point.

“What are hinting at, Jarulf?”

“Papers for papers. Essays for cash?”

“We don’t have cash. You’d have to pay in the somehow always standardized gold coins.”

“So?”

“So you got a deal.”

“Hey! Alright! Listen, when we make the drop, not out here in the open, right. I got a ‘rep to protect.”

Yeah, right. His reputation as the greatest dim-wit in the office was thoroughly established as far as I could see, but who knows? You can’t be too careful. Jarulf is almost as stupid as the soul-eating tree we found in Kurast, apparently cursed with stupidity by the primes. The arboreal moron rooted himself at the stairs of a temple instead of going down and around like all sensible characters. Don’t look at me like that! This was nothing like the few times I and other hirelings get lost or stuck at corners! Even if it is, that is not the subject here. The subject is…is…how I totally owned the tree. Yes. I actually fed it my soul to eat, for my heart and soul is in my magic. I am a shining, sparkling God of Thunder! Fear Telash!

With all the time Snövit has been spending with meshif it is nothing less than a miracle that she and Waheed has gotten anything done. She is always standing at the docks gossiping with Meshif about everything possible, no matter how trivial.



It is apparent to anyone that she is really just taking any excuse to stick close to Meshif like a big blue jungle mosquito out for blood. They’ve been talking a lot about the old religion, the Skatsim, and the shrinking host of believers left – which are incidentally the most cryptic and utterly deranged as well – spearheaded by our own pinnacles of civilisation and fundaments upon which society rests, Ormus and Hratli. I wonder if Snövit and Meshif are thinking about marriage, with all this religion talk. I understand perfectly if they don’t want to come near any Zakarum priest but…Skatsim? Some of those rituals…

Snövit also found some kind of blue jewel, enhancing the wearer’s energy as well as passion. She had it fitted into a ring and gave it to Meshif as a present. Anything taking his mind off the corruption of our homeland is good I suppose, but I mean…first Rödluvans boatload of potions and now this. You have to eat and sleep and get outside some times. No sense in overtraining, that’s detrimental. And I am very qualified to say so, I’ll have you know. I have an M o W degree (Master of Witchdoctoring) and years of experience and exhaustive field studies behind me. The last exam in the flayer dungeon was particularly tricky (the questions where mundane but getting out alive and uneaten was another matter).

A good side effect of the gossiping giggles coming from the harbour seems to be the renewed peace and quiet in the Blue Snow team. Waheed was initially scolded fiercely by Snövit for running to far ahead and getting entangled in overpowering treeheads but somewhere in the Spider Forest he seemed to shape up and has since returned into the good graces of his boss. The generous use of the slowing Woestave on the trees may have something to do with Waheeds latest success as well.

Moving on into the flayer jungle it was my pleasure to visit my old headmaster for the third time and shut him up for good, hopefully. That mouldy old dustbin Endugu has really no sense for what should be included in the education plan in the witch doctor programme. His choice of courses is almost worthless when you try to get a job as a shaman after graduating! No connection with the business life, no relevance at all for your career it would seem! Always the same crap, “do you have any actual medicine experience from outside school?” I’ll have his head! Which I had! Ha! Headhunted, as it is called, like all career witch doctors dream about!

Following a severe case of relationshipical overprotectiveness, Meshif urged Snövit to use an old pale rhyming bone shield he had stored in a dusty corner of his cargo hold. Snövit liked the colour and agreed to wear it when stepping down stairs in case of stairtraps. The dungeons held both the exploding dolls and environmental green ghosts. The ghost of environmental concerns always appears to haunt both left and right politicians at the least convenient moment. One place I won’t miss. Hopefully we never have to return. New area, new dungeons. And where might Lame Esens (he is lame to hide it in the same temple always) tome be hidden? Let’s see…could it be the ruined temple, the ruined temple or perhaps the ruined temple? No, wait, it was in the ruined temple! How stupid of me to miss that! The predictability of it was enough to make any person with a semblance of good taste scream in agony, and true enough, Snövit found a wail of Atma in crystallised form. Like most screams from mothers, it was of little practical use.



The city districts of Kurast are notoriously sparsely populated, so it was not long until we breached the praying perimeter of Travincal. Rödluvan attempted an advanced outflanking approach that failed miserably, but no too miserably since I am still here writing these things. Having a waypoint inside a house really shines. Beats building them in sewers or catacombs. We all faced the council at the town central square, or central pedestal. The hostilities were joined after an arduous session of bragging and exchanging of insults. Rödluvan had found a combat shrine that boosted her minimum damage to beastly amounts and the attack rating was just absurd. Snövit on the other hand found a skill shrine which turned her arrows into even greater dangers of global cooling, but it was sadly soon cursed away. Actually, the shrines were curiously fitting, since Snövit is much of a mageazon with a quick and powerful elemental attack, while Rödluvan rely more on brute strength and a very professional consultant for the arcane wonders part.

It is not often I find myself inclined to agree with Hratli. His grasp of basic sensibility and elemental logic presents an unsteadiness whose significance is, not to put too fine a point to it, as overwhelming as a tirade launched by a permanent secretary of the civil service when facing a sensitive inquiry or a ministerial scrutiny. None the less, it is my firm belief that the idea of building such a vast and needlessly complicated network of subterranean dwellings is not only unnecessary but also a blatant affront to good taste worldwide, given the fact that the defence and locking mechanism is not tied to the complexity of the architecture at all, but consists of a simple petrified stair gate at the entrance to the durance. In this unpleasant environment, we did indeed feel a not insignificant sickening urge to turn our stomachs inside-out. Immune to lightning and fire. Euagh!



Snövit and her team had better luck and managed to find some really handy spots where enemies could be sniped from across the strange void that filled the space where walls should have been. That saved them from an uncomfortably close encounter with a true terror of the past with conviction and lightning enchantment. Even with Snövit’s thunder god girdle, meleeing with it would have been quite nasty since it also was spectral hitting. After showing Bremm who was the true master of sparks (or maybe rather who had the most fiery boss to do the work but let’s not dwell on petty details now) I saw a familiar sight. The warning sign, the runes saying clearly “danger, do not touch”, the obsessed glow in Rödluvan’s eyes as she seemingly involuntarily walked closer…

“NO Rödluvan, NO touching of fire shrines, I have TOLD you!

“Just…once…please?”

But I was adamant and averted a potential disaster with my upright and upstanding example. A mercenary lightning mage needs to be firm sometimes and handle the situation with a steady hand.

Rödluvan: Yes, yes, blah, blah, blah. He’s so strict…quite the bore sometimes.

Telash, You know perfectly well that fire shrines are not good for you, or anyone else I might add. Besides, I seem to recall that this was my turn to tell the story.

Snövit: But you have done so. This is just leisurely joking and banter. It was a flashing tale, Telash, and I’m sure you can expect heaps of letters from editors drooling over a potential contract any minute now. Or would be able to, had they not all been turned into malicious demons…

Waheed: I was actually wondering what the rest of us are doing here. Telash seemed perfectly cool with finishing the tale, so why can’t we just chill out and hear it?

Snövit: It’s probably some sort of Red politics thing, “all shall come along” or whatever it was.

Rödluvan: I plead not guilty. I actually don’t even know what that phrase refers to.

Maltatai: It was a slogan for the Swedish social democrats party around 2006 I think. “Alla ska med” translates roughly to “Everyone along” or “All shall come along”. It refers to their attempts at maintaining a picture of their party as the best choice when it comes to health care, various kinds of social aid and so on. They failed miserably, I might add.

Snövit: Oaahahahahahaaa!

Rödluvan: Well, I’m sure they were just corrupt and power-crazy despots who had lost interest in the opinions and wishes of their voters anyway.


This post was edited by Maltatai on Jan 2 2017 12:12pm

Authors note: Slightly old satire in this episode but sadly enough most things I parody here hardly seem better at present date

Maltatai: Another notable statement around that time was that “Sweden was doing well”. Being right in the middle of an economical crisis. With masses of workers losing or about to lose their jobs. With the schools going down faster than a tightly packed group of fallen ones facing a barrage of Snövits main elemental attack. With company after company facing severe economical strains. That was Sweden doing well.

Rödluvan: What about the blue parties? They can’t be all good either?

Maltatai: Where to start? Perhaps with one of the latest “reforms” about education: The teachers salaries are being linked to the results of the students of the teacher in his or her subject. Despite the fact that just about no resources exist to help students who can’t get any help at home with homework, all theoretical subjects rely on the student doing a lot of learning outside the school and, in the case of higher (closest to university level) education where it is soon coming, that students pick the schools they wish and are admitted if they have good enough grades – meaning of course that some attractive schools get the best students and some unattractive ones get the worst. And guess who it is that are grading the students?

Telash: Bureaucratical body of government?

Snövit: University office?

Maltatai: The teachers themselves. And not just adding a note about achievements in class apart from written stuff or something, they do the entire grading.

Rödluvan: Pfffhahahaha!

Snövit: Hihihihihi!

Waheed: Hehehehehe! That was a good one!

Telash: Bwahahahahaa!

Waheed: …

Rödluvan: You’re serious?

Maltatai: Yup.

Snövit: So they get paid more if they set a higher…

Maltatai: Yup. And the school gets more money if it keeps (and thereby also if it attracts, through generous grading and otherwise) more students, no matter if the students are attentive paragons of comradeship or psychopathic drug junkies. Combine these two things with a dishonourable management (not uncommon) and you get…

Telash: I offer my sincere condolences for your loss. Was “unbiased evaluation” a close friend?

Maltatai: One of the best. It was not unexpected, though. He struggled a long time against the disease.

Rödluvan: Blue politics or not, this isn’t even funny. What’s going to happen to the children?

Maltatai: Well, obviously the public education will become even more worthless when you look for jobs and try to do your job. The employers will likely rely more and more on their own tests, own education programmes if they can afford it, personal contacts and so on. Over time, Swedish specialists will probably be less wanted internationally due to the reputation of our education system. The richer the family, the easier will it be to get along anyway, as usual. The greatest losers are as always the hardworking and bright students from poorer families without personal contacts, who won’t be able to show their skills in the seas of undeservingly good grades.

Snövit: Scandalous! As if I would get the same grade as Rödluvan, despite being two levels higher than her.

Rödluvan: One! Maybe one and a half. But that’s just because you did personal off-quest studying when you were raiding the Black Tower for runes. This is the kind of unfairness that will come out of such education idiocy!

Snövit: Maybe your children could go and study at our islands instead. Or some other part of Sanctuary? There should be plenty of free space and, as shown, there are old tomes lying around just about everywhere, filled with information and enhancing your skills. The latter are so common that they are even thrown away into the sewers!

Rödluvan: And there are many job opportunities for archers! Tremendous health care available too.

Snövit: A growing market.

Maltatai: Ehm, as tempting as the offer is, it would be a bit problematic reaching Sanctuary from Sweden.

Snövit: Yes, I’ve never really understood where your land is situated. It sounds like some barbaric country up north, being cold and such.

Maltatai: Hehe. Sweden is not bordering the barbarian highlands but the term ”barbaric country up north” is not totally without out of place. It is damn cold here sometimes, also.

Snövit: Sounds like you have good taste!

Waheed: Indeed!

Rödluvan: You have fireplaces too, I hope?

Maltatai: Of course. And plenty of firewood. Not much arrows, though. Speaking of arrows, I hear that Meshif has composed a new tributary song on that subject?

Rödluvan: Hihihihihahaha! Indeed he has!

Snövit: That was just a joke! Aaaah, you always overreact about these sorts of things. Fine, fine, I thought it was suitable to sing this German fishing song…

Maltatai: It’s not actually a German fishing song, it’s a German song sung by a singer with Fischer as her surname.

Snövit: Waheed, throw him into the water… Now, I was singing the melodic “Du hast mein herz berűhrt” which Meshif then made a joking cover of, with the title “Du hast mein pfeil berűhrt”. In this particular case, the often-used phrase “the title says it all” was particularly apt. I will leave it at that.

Rödluvan: Hahahaha, it was genius! I wrote it all down!

Snövit: That would surprise exactly nobody.

Maltatai: I seem to recall there being a boss at the end of Act III. Perhaps just something I’ve heard…

Rödluvan: Oh yes, Mephisto. He was easily distracted by my decoy and over time shot to pieces, but Telash died, sadly. Mephisto got him before we were in position.

Telash: Dammit, he just got lucky!

Rödluvan: Is it just me or…

Snövit: …is it hot in here? Is this really the time?

Rödluvan: I was not going to say that! As I was saying: Is it just me, or is Mephisto unusually quick and furious in this hellish world?

Snövit: Oh, was that what you were saying? I had no idea. He does seem to have an unusually noticeable caffeine level in his body, yes. Especially for someone without any lower body, apart from that bare spinal column.

Waheed: It is actually quite admirable how Mephisto will back his brothers and cover their escape, despite being literally half the man they are.

Telash: One would definitely not think he had the stomach for that, or anything else.

Rödluvan: While he is a scheming, corrupt piece of scum, he was never outright spineless. Ouch! “Gasp”!

Maltatai: Wouldn’t it have made more sense to come up with all these dry puns before Mephisto was too far away to hear them? What’s the matters, Rödluvan?

Rödluvan: I forgot to adjust this smoky quilted armour before donning it! The straps tied like…”gasp”. Aaaaair!

Snövit: What the…

Rödluvan: I need to slip into the Treacherous mail that Telash usually wears for safekeepi…his own protection, in order to charge up the venom from time to time. To the outside layman it may seem to go super-quickly requiring just a small movement of the hand and fingers but it really is a complex, if fast, procedure to get all the straps and things right. I have to unfasten them every time I slip back into whatever Telash has been wearing…it’s actually very annoying!

Telash: Hey, I can’t see a thing if all that extra quilted cloth blows up in my face or something! And being hit in the nose by a loosely fitting mail suit every second step every time you run is NOT comfortable! This arrangement is made quite unpractical by…all that extra bulk you have on the upper chest!

Rödluvan: I happen to like my upper chest very well, THANK YOU.

Telash: And now all my robes smell of your silly perfume too…

Rödluvan: It’s a barely noticeable discreet scent, I’ll have you know!

Telash: Indeed. Discreet as about one acre of red roses mashed and pressed into your face.

Rödluvan: Like you should be the one talking! Your armour gives me electrical shocks each time I touch it!

Telash. Hello? Metal armour and electricity? Elemental physics, anyone? It wouldn’t be a problem if you could just wear a sorcerer robe like I offered you.

Rödluvan: That thing was a complete fiasco! Loose sleeves + archery = not awesome. “Oh, let’s take up a bolt and load my crossbow. Damn, I dropped it deep into my overlarge sleeve and the tip is threatening to cut my elbow. Next time. Noo, I spilled out my whole quiver when all the bolts got caught in my superfluous sleeve cloth! Have to get my axe out instead. Crap! The blade got caught in the hem and ripped the robe apart!” What are you two smiling so much at?

Waheed: Nothing in particular. But I would have expected a bit more understanding from someone who is literally, if not “in his shoes” then in Telash’s clothes. Pffhahahahahaa!

Telash: Very funny.

Snövit: And I was just thinking about your crossbow with its notable lightning damage and you now wearing Telash’s clothes… Sure there isn’t any part of you that secretly urges to be an Act III lightning mage?

Rödluvan: Shut up! Absolutely not!

Snövit: You know you can tell us, dear. We like you just as you are, hihihihi.

Telash: That’s IT! Stop laughing immediately!

Snövit: From what I’ve heard Asheara or Alkor can probably be counted upon supplying one or two potions of manliness for you, but I’m surprised someone with your expertise and contacts in the business hasn’t taken care of that already hihhihihiiihihihihiiii!

Rödluvan: Actually he has! But I have none left after I gave that present chest to you!

Snövit: WHAT!?

Rödluvan: Haaaahaha! You should have seen the look on your face! Priceless!

Snövit: “sticks out tongue at Rödluvan”

Rödluvan: Look, here comes Meshif!

Meshif: Hi everyone. “Kisses Snövit” Is there any special reason for you welcoming Rödluvan so heartily?

Snövit: Welcoming?

Meshif: Rolling out the proverbial red carpet, anatomically speaking. Waheed, I’m done with the painting you asked for. Here it is, right of the drawing board as they say.

Waheed: Ooh, stylish! I mean cool.

Telash: What painting is that?

Meshif: Waheed asked me to commemorate his recent success against Mephisto with an artistic contribution.

Snövit: That’s really good! It looks just like when we faced him, actually! Waheed was indeed good and did not die. His crushing blow really shortened that battle! And I guess the valkyrie of the day was quite impressed with him taking the frontline position too. She seemed very eager to drag you away to “double-check that you hadn’t any remaining wounds” even after you had emptied the better part of my supply of purple potions.

Waheed: What can I say? I’m a well-tanned and well-muscled frontline fighter with an aura of coolness about me, fresh off the beach (my whole homeland is in fact one enormous beach). You can’t blame a divine being for having divine taste. This is excellent work, Meshif. Where did you learn to draw like that?

Meshif: I used to make sea charts before, but that business sort of dried up when the entire coast here became an overgrown garden and the traders ended up as flayer dinner. Where should we put the painting? Here?



Waheed: No, too far away. You can’t see me properly.

Snövit: What about here?

Waheed: No, I think I have just the spot…Here! Much better!



Telash: Overwhelming, I say. Do you want me to arrange some illumination for it, now that we’re at it?

Waheed: Yeah, that was a great idea! You do have your bright moments, Telash!

Telash: That could be because I’m a lightning mage…besides, I was being ironic. By the way, what was that caring valkyries name?

Waheed: Andromeda Sparkleheart. What, you jealous? I could get you her summoning number, I suppose. But I think she preferred cooler warrior types rather than mages.

Telash: I don’t need any such help, thank you very much. I just wondered who it could have been that embroidered “Andromedas cuddly buddly teddy bear” on the back of your robes, in bright pink and gold.

Waheed: “Takes off robe with look of appalled horror on his face”

Telash: Got you!

Waheed: Go to hell!

Telash: Yes I will. And you too.

Waheed: Oh, right. It appears we are.

Snövit: Yes, about that…

Meshif: Look, I already said I won’t stop you. I know you have to do this and all. But please be careful and don’t save any potions needlessly.

Snövit: I’ll drop by to say we are safe as soon as we have arrived and activated the waypoint.

Meshif: Safe? It’s the burning hells we’re talking about!

Snövit: You know what I mean. Relatively safe. More than can be said about Tyrael…

Rödluvan: Reveeeenge…

Telash: Lightning shall strike both twice and thrice…

Waheed: I feel a new recipe for shish-kebab coming up…one with a heavenly taste…

Snövit: So, Meshif darling, you’re not telling me to “go to hell” in any way, technical or otherwise, just wishing me luck on my mission that happens to take place in hell?

Meshif: What? Well…yes, of course, I want you to return as soon as possible and all.

Snövit: So anyone hearing this and then stating that “Meshif told Snövit to go to hell” would be totally wrong and a complete moron, wouldn’t she?

Meshif: Yes, but what is this about? Who is saying that?

Rödluvan: Noooow I think we have an infernal gate to catch! Flight 666 to hell, leaving in too few minutes to continue the fascinating conversation! We’ll call you soon, Meshif!

Snövit: “Reaches for Rödluvans hand holding her by her ponytail while waving at Meshif” Love you!

Waheed: We’ll be cool.

Telash: This is just like that song by a very awesomely electricity and lightning themed band… We’re on a hiiighway to hell…hiiighgate to hell…

Maltatai: Oooover and ooout.

This post was edited by Maltatai on Jan 2 2017 12:18pm

@Melatonina

LEET forum gold....

This post was edited by Maltatai on Jan 2 2017 12:20pm