cool

Nah, keep up the good work, no need to dumb it down for the masses

Thanks for commenting! The next episode will in fact have a lot of text at once but that is Waheeds fault, not mine.

Episode 20. One Hell of an Act

Waheed: Hi all, Waheed here. Which you already know since you read the name of the talker with the two dots after it which precedes this quote. Unless you were too tired to read it properly, of course. Not too much is known about me except that I am the mercenary of Snövit and the main reason she hasn’t turned into a blue gothic tin can of sausages for demon picnics. If you hear any nonsense of her having to get me out of trouble regularly I advise you to dismiss it entirely and save yourselves the trouble of dealing with two conflicting viewpoints and perspectives of reality. Much better to adopt a linear and polarized ideology such as “listen to all the wise words of Waheed and spread his celestial message across the lands and underworlds”. But you can let that last thing be if you like. I’m cool with that.

I’m quite cool with most things nowadays. Back ages ago when I served under Rödluvan in normal I was way more focused and stressed up and such. Always aiming to do everything with the greatest precision and flawless accuracy. Man, being a blessed aim town guard isn’t healthy in the long run. Waaay too stressful. Now I chill out and take it easy with the holy freeze which is much better.

In my infinite wisdom I suppose you have questions for me, more precisely two questions. The answer to the first question is: No, I am not going to work as a bartender chilling drinks at the Etdhlaq Memorial Bar. What kind of name for a bar is that anyway?

Regarding what has transpired since last episode, this has happened:

After the latest murderous rampage across the Den of Evil and Blood Ravens demise (watching Snövit shoot guided arrows at her was hilarious) the rogues really settled down and started to chill out a bit. Even Akara got notably happier after we rescued her secret love (“wise man” or “deep knowledge of the Prime’s” my ass) Deckard Cain from Tristram. I can’t blame the rogues for being upset with all the hanged and corrupted rogues all over the land (that sisterhood must have been enormous before all this happened) and being thrown out of their home and stuff. Telash managed to lighten up the mood as usual but at the end of the day the eyes were on me (he’ll tell you otherwise but don’t believe that). Having an aura of coolness about you is pretty neat sometimes. Now wonder holy freeze is so popular.

The food here is a bit lame. We tried roasting a fallen fallen one but it took hours and the meat was barely warm. Bloody fire resistance and bloody steaks! The wendigos were easier to cook but they are so hairy it’s not worth the trouble. Heck, they’re even hairy o the inside! I don’t even think an experienced flayer chef could handle that dish. In the end we settled for roasted quill rats. They don’t have much meat but the spiky quills are excellent for making shish-kebab of them. In the time between questing and adventuring (very long periods sometimes) me and Telash usually sits up late with the rogues eating roasted demons and drinking some of Akaras nastier mana potions. Rödluvan and Snövit join us occasionally but spend absurdly much time counting their money and writing down notes.

While money is abundant from the loot the expenses are apparently high too. Snövit uses enchant and Rödluvan has started to rely more and more on the weaken charges from her armour. I think Rödluvan is writing some sort of political manifesto but I don’t know what Snövit is scribbling. The rogues Heather and Liene managed to catch a glimpse of her book once and claim that she is filling page after page with meaningless variations of Meshif’s name and heart-shaped objects, along with potential charming lines in case he doesn’t remember anything from the past lives. I seriously hope they’re wrong, I mean, nothing wrong with chilling out on a ship together and so, but if word of that diary gets out while I’m still employed my cred will drop like a drunken sand raider. They also claimed she was storing a “mancatcher” in her stash. I think that is a little bit drastic. Why not just chill out about it and talk about the stuff like before? It worked all right last difficulty level. Just beat Duriel, and you’re bound to break the ice…although that may be harder now, given the increased level of the Frozen arrows, hehehe.

While slowly slugging our way through the western kingdoms (I’ve always wondered if we really cross any border or if we stay in one kingdom and in that case which one) I am struck by the difference terrain now makes, rather than monster types and immunities. Our little adventuring party is so underpowered when it comes to tanking ability that we have to be extra careful not to get swarmed, even by freezeable monsters, and make the most of the few freezing arrows Snövit can get off before her mana potions run out. A mobile battle is usually the best – having enemies spread out and picking off one at a time with the rest being knocked back or diverted by decoys. The stupidity of monsters never ceases to amaze me. Really, who could mistake that stationary, passive idiot thing for a real Amazon? On the other hand, nobody here has met Amazon’s, so maybe they think those are a stationary people just standing around doing nothing. In that case, they must think it was Amazons who were supposed to handle the part of the European Euro project that was about actually cooperating financially and stick to the rules.

We faced a really tough pack in the catacombs. I promise! It’s just the melting frozen arrows that destroy all corpses. Sigh. It makes it very hard to brag properly about it afterwards. Those catacombs at the third level are were freaking unbearable! We encountered a pack of banished ones just before the stairs down. I died two times. But don’t tell anyone, please? It’s not my bloody fault! How am I suppose to handle all that fireballing without life stealing and with only 10% extra fire resistance from my items? This whole campaign has had really rotten luck when it comes to spears and pole arms. I died against Andariel too. I hear that Telash survived. Utterly embarrassing. A mage from Act three succeeds where an act two town guard fails…I’ll never hear the end of it! Just because the little redling gets to keep his distance and Rödluvans overgrown valkyrie and decoy can last two breaths instead of a half like Snövits.

Just before breaking into Andariels room Snövit had the mancatcher IMBUED by Charsi (she really is desperate I thought…). But she was giving it to me! What the heck…I am not the one in need of that. I don’t swing that way…In a sense I actually don’t swing at all because I jab and thrust with all weapons despite how well suited they are for slashing. But I don’t swing that way off duty either. I don’t know what romanticized nonsense someone may have conjured up about the desert mercenary bands but we’re just a bunch of colleagues and comrades. Seriously. Get a grip.

On closer inspection it turned out that this mancatcher is a form of elite spear, very quick and with decent range. Oh, well, how am I supposed to know that? It’s not like I’ve been reading the Arreat Summit Magazine on every watch, like some others I could mention… What kind of silly name is that for a weapon anyway? And no improvement after slaying Andariel either. You should have seen Snövit’s face after seeing the pathetic low-level loot that we were rewarded with. The face of horror would have paled in comparison as well as paled in fear, had I not looked away in time. At least Andariel did not destroy any blue-clad valkyrie like the one she managed to summon earlier in the cold plains, that would probably have made Snövit explode.

Right, so much about our adventures. I suppose I should tell you a bit about how Rödluvan’s team fared. Right, they…I mean of course left since they are clearly the left wing party here. So, left, they have apparently had an easier time than we had.

With her abominable high taxes Rödluvan is stealing mana and life at a tremendous rate and with Telash usually staying reasonably out of harms way the y have managed to maintain a rather pompous supply of rejuvenation potions. I’m sure they’re very dusty by now and taste dusty as well. Why are they suddenly so strict about drinking? Chill out, I say. With strafe and the sturdy decoy, the redlings can fight pitched battles most of the time but without any freezing they are in trouble if trapped in a tiny cramped area. Rödluvan is lucky to have completed her Rhyming shield by now, thanks to an eth-ic rune she found in the Tamoe highland.

In the Forgotten Tower, which everyone still remembers well in the rogue camp, Rödluvan and her team faced a stairtrap but luckily it was not one of the nastier. The countess herself was graceful enough to drop a Ral and Tir rune…How extraordinarily epic hahahaha! Perhaps she thought they should make a leaf staff since Rödluvan was so much into fire skills?

After having claimed the Outer Cloister waypoint Rödluvan took a long break. The she charged through all the way to the Cathedral in one long questing session. Reason? Come on, you should now by now. It had of course absolutely nothing to do with monster spawns or item luck. She got a shiny red (the deep dark life red, not the orange returned damage red) valkyrie and wanted to enjoy the sight for as long as possible. Just when getting out of jail, the red team met a combined force of dark ones backed up by bone mages. Cursed and mighty…The thing is, Rödluvan thought she would go around to flank the dark ones and have some space, but when entering the jail exit building through south gate she ran right into the skeletal spellcasters! A bit of battlefield reconnaissance next time perhaps, oh great field marshal?

The strawberry skulls also met a nasty pack in the catacombs, resulting in a bloody mess. Unfortunately for them it did not fit into the small piece of the picture page assigned to them so it was fairly useless for bragging. The stupid Stormstrike short battle bow seems to haunt the two heroines. Rödluvan came upon it again in a storeroom in the catacombs.

The battle against Andariel begun with a VERY disappointing fainting of the peaceful valkyrie due to the stench. It seems like you just can’t get the minions to do the job nowadays. Alas, alas. In any case, the exploding arrows did the trick just like Snövit’s freezing arrows and Andariel went down after a chase around the blood pool. Although I should point out that Rödluvan was the first to slay her. If that really matters. She got a really great shot of her just before the giant Dungeons-and-Dragons-flamestrike-spell fire pillar appeared. Maiden of Anguish indeed it looks like. Unless she is only studying the state of her fingernails after the battle, as she is going home for the first time since…a long time ago whose date is not relevant but probably procurable from the memory and library of Deckard Cain. You wouldn’t believe how vain some employers can get, even in the middle of a dangerous questing session! Luckily, I don’t waste my time on those petty things. Just chill out, I say.




Maltatai: Did I hear something over there? It sounded almost like narrating.

Snövit: I didn’t hear anything. Check!

Maltatai: Hey, that’s no wonder since you just made a valiant effort of making us deaf, exclaiming your triumph over taking both of Rödluvans towers. Why do you value towers so much? Sure they’re great at the end of the game but you throw everything else away just to keep them safe.

Rödluvan: Duh, towers give elevation bonuses for archers. Need I say more?

Maltatai: But not in chess, dammit! I’ve already explained this…And the queen can not attack from afar, she must move to the tile and stay there. Melee. Not just slashing once with a slowing axe blade and running off to make a pincushion of the bishop.

Rödluvan: Hey, she’s the queen. She wouldn’t be that if she didn’t know how to handle a battle properly.

Maltatai: But again, this is not a tabletop role playing or warhammer game, this is chess where the queen moves…

Telash: And why can you only target one foe per turn? What about lightning and strafe and multishot?

Maltatai: …………. Maltatai to mothership: Requesting immediate recall. One to beam up.

Telash: What?

Maltatai: No! You make single target attacks always! They are all unblockable and in melee range and result in the immediate demise of the foe! Chess is a game not a precise battlefield simulation, how many times do I need to tell you?

Snövit: But…


Waheed: Be cool. Over and out.


This post was edited by Maltatai on Dec 17 2016 02:07pm

Episode 21 Hellish Deserters

Maltatai: After some unknown entity messed up the episodes totally and confused everything I can now shed some light on the situation and conclude that Snövit and Rödluvan have made it to Act II. So apparently the first Act was not very noteworthy. It must have all been a total vacation for everyone. Especially Waheed probably had no difficulty at all and surely provided great tanking at the lower levels of the catacombs. Perhaps he would enjoy some magic finding from Andariel? Since he is so cool about everything, apparently, I am sure he will not mind.

Many chaotic chess games passed while the caravan of Warriv conducted sightseeing while searching for the mystical passage to the town. The main gate (without any actual gate – just a hole in the thin wall) does, as everyone know, lead only to the linear places that are surrounded by apparently impassable rocks beyond which all the cactuses of the desert grow. But there must be some sort of hidden way that all the caravans use. Unless of course the town that all dark wanderers and adventurers (also known as travelling monster murderers) reach is just a tiny part of the whole Lut Gholein and the rest is hidden on somewhere else. Like the Kurast Docks that are on the other side of Kurast as the city itself or the Monastery Graveyard that is located several huge plains and an underground passage from the actual monastery.

Snövit: Yes, yes, yes whatevercanIpleasetellaboutMeshifnowpleasepleasepleaseplease!

Maltatai: That’s more politeness in one sentence than in your whole previous career I think. Fine, fine, how did it work out?

Rödluvan: THIS will be a long tale.

Telash: I’ll get my sleeping rug set up.

Waheed: I think Atma is selling some long-lasting provision packages. I hope five weeks rations will be enough.

Snövit: HEY! Silencium!

Rödluvan: “Whistling”

Snövit: “Shoots stern glare at Rödluvan” Right. After the customably dusty field trip with Warrivs caravan I found myself appalled by seeing him turn into his “best clothes” when meeting Sultan Wannabe-Prince-of-Persia Jerhyn. What a moronic twist by the otherwise sensible (blue) Warriv! Even Jerhyn dresses better than that! A red turban…”shudder”. Jerhyn boasted about his position as usual but I wasn’t very interested. He’s a slimy harem-hiding git of the most clichéd kind. He would not listen at all when I tried to explain to him about Diablo having already wandered to the Tomb of Tal Rasha and me needing entrance into his palace. It was as if he was just reading lines from an uninspired script! No wonder I kept my back turned to him for the better part of the conversation (better since I didn’t need to see him) but he kept going as if he had my full attention.

When I turned to Warriv and gossiped a bit, Jerhyn turned to stare very harshly at him and sure enough, Warriv was quick to go into a tiresome tirade of Jerhyns qualities that nobody would believe a word of, even under unbiased circumstances. Obviously Jerhyn is oppressing free enterprising and trade in a foul and oppressive way in order to extort this kind of forced complimenting. Cunning as I am I went around in the town a bit, steering conversations towards gossip about Meshif and what he may like and not like, in a most sly and ingenious but at the same kind thoughtful and considerate way.



Rödluvan: Cunning and careful as a cougar on the prowl, grrroarrr!

Telash: “Snigger”

Waheed: “Chortle”

Snövit: How would you like to spend the Act hanging by your feet from the roof in Jerhyns palace? I promise you it can be arranged! If interested, please sign this contract. If not, please refrain from further immature obnoxiousness.

Rödluvan: I’ll be quiet as a mouse.

Snövit: Good.

Rödluvan: Quiet as a mouse hiding from a huge mountain cat.

Snövit:….

Snövit: Now I hope I will be free from further interruptions after twice stating that I am the one talking. It was nervous as this difficulty level to speak to Meshif again. He’s so handsome! And has such a blue shirt. I don’t think he recognised me but it felt like we knew each other nevertheless. When he greeted me it felt just like the first time, which it may technically have been. Damn this messed up respawning and resetting! I wondered if it had perhaps been a mistake bringing the vakyrie along. She looked stunningly good in that tasteful outfit and has a certain beaming charisma about her…charming is always hard when you have to avoid being overshadowed by your friends, even when their loyalty are beyond question and they can be unsummoned if needed.

Meshif told me he had informed Greiz about a find that could be linked to Radament but hadn’t been taken very seriously. Outrageous! Stupid merc-jerk not listening to the responsible and caring sea captains of the town! Not only that, but why had he not sealed the sewer entrance at the docks, closest to Meshifs ship!? Scandalous! To lift Meshifs spirits (No, not literally, do I look like a necromancer to you? And I did not ask you, Rödluvan!) I asked if I could see his ship. It was great to be onboard it again but Meshif still hasn’t had that leaky hole in the roof of my (former) cabin fixed! Or again. Well, this time I will point it out in due time before we are to set sail. Maybe we can use the stock of the Langer Briser, there is some massive good quality timber there. And I bet it’s practically water resistant by now from endless repairing smiths oiling it.

Rödluvan: Don’t you touch!

Snövit: Lut Gholein it certainly a city of jewels. I found two gem shrines, just in the sewers! Someone had their priorities wrong when drawing blueprints for this place I say. The sewers were quite dangerous with many nasty archers and stinking dried corpses that harmed my valkyrie a lot. Thankfully Freezing Arrow was awesome and melted them almost like fallen ones. In the lowest and most stinking level, Radament was lurking as usual. His little army had lost all sense of direction and tactics and went for me spontaneously without backing from their boss. Not that that would have helped them very much from becoming little pools of murky melt water. Radament himself was furious and so foul-mouthed he almost destroyed my valkyrie. I had to get back up to heal her. Then I slashed Radament with the mighty Woestave which shut him up when combined with the icy arrows and holy freeze. Although Waheed kept his distance during a big part of the battle, if I remember correctly.

Waheed: I did not! I was conducting a precautionary sweep of the surrounding area.

Snövit: I know. Chill out, man. I actually appreciate you staying away from poisonous mummy breath when I can handle it from a safe distance. It saves a lot of potions. So be cool. I’m cool with it.

Telash and Rödluvan:



Snövit: Reading the book of skill again was nice, but telling Meshif about it was nicer. He even called me “mate”! He said the awful moaning of that fiend had kept him awake at night. The poor thing! I said it was all my pleasure to help with that and asked if there was aaanything else I could do for him? Meshif said he couldn’t think of any but would tell me at once when he needed some new heroics done. I responded by smiling my most beaming smile and bowing both courtly, courteously and courting. The effect was somewhat ruined when my armour creaked – it had gotten rusty from all the sewer moisture. I have to get myself a Sapphire Dress of Voluptuousness or something for the future. Or in any case at least have Fara oil and polish my gothic plate armour.

Regarding that about being kept awake by awful moaning…well, at least the moaning won’t be awful in the future, mate…

Rödluvan: …

Waheed: What’s up with your face, Rödluvan? You look like a tomato about to explode.

Maltatai: I believe it is the early stages of Laughter Explosion (skill level 17 at least). Take cover.

Rödluvan: BwaaahaHAHAHAHAhahahihihihihi! I…”gasp”…pity Meshif…if it comes to…him having to … endure that in the…future…hahahahahaa! Awful moaning…to say the least! MY REDNESS, that made the last boat trip trying! I know the inner walls of a ship can’t be too thick in order to save weight but still…some of us needed our sleep!

Snövit: I. WAS. SEASICK.

Rödluvan: Above deck, yes. Below deck…that’s one strangely pleasant kind of seasickness if I ever heard one!

Telash: Seriously, Red, that was below the belt.

Rödluvan: I’m sure it was.

Snövit: NO! Below the belt as in unfair duelling or banter! Not any sort of…wait… You’ve been eavesdropping.

Rödluvan: On you? Who do you think I am? That I would...get a grip!

Snövit: You did?! YOU DID!!!

Rödluvan: “Whistling”

Telash: Hey! You stepped on my ankle almost every time! “Go out to get some fresh air”, my body part soon kicked if facing lightning immunes on my own!

Rödluvan: I did actually continue out to get some fresh air too. And laugh.

Waheed: “chuckle” Chill out, boss. She’s just jealous. Or she has a secret crush on you.

Snövit: Not even the wisest of sages and diviners could ever conclude which of the alternatives would be most appalling.

Maltatai: Laughter explosion being cast on Telash. Take cover and prepare to evacuate.

Waheed: The tomato season looks to be coming early this year… Cool.

Snövit: I can scarcely believe this! SPIED ON by my very own nemesis and arch-enemy!

Rödluvan: And…friend. And I really meant no harm. It was just so great seeing you meet Meshif and having a good time. Or maybe more like hearing the last thing rather than seeing it. But I promise you that you gasp, banter, sigh, moan, complain, pant and whine about just about everything in the most flawless way.

Waheed: I can totally confirm that.

Telash: And coming from Rödluvan, her’s is an expert’s assessment.

Snövit: Friend?

Rödluvan: Ehm…yes? That felt strange to say. I bet my mouth will soon turn green… And I promise you I have no interest in interfering between you and Meshif. He’s a nice guy but not my type. And he has almost as weird tastes as you – blue clothes “shudder”… And I bet you have icy cold feet that would keep me awake at night if nothing else…

Snövit: I guess that is good to hear…friend. But you’ll still be my arch-enemy, won’t you?

Rödluvan: Of course, don’t worry!

Snövit: And I’ll be yours.

Maltatai: Terribly sorry (not) to break into this touching confirmation of bonds of enmity, but can we get on with the rest of the desert episode? I believe there was a Horadric issue of staff management? One that involved astonishingly little human resources for being a staff issue…

Snövit: I already have the Horadric cubicle…cube…so I wasn’t originally planning on visiting the Halls of the Dead, but then I read somewhere about the apparent attractiveness of female tomb raiders so I decided to visit all possible tombs. I started with the Stony Tomb but it didn’t contain any particularly attracting feature, only a creeping feature.

Maltatai: I think that tomb raiding thing is just something someone decided to make up. Nothing worth looking into, really.

Snövit: Make-up? In those dusty tombs? I certainly didn’t find any. But now that you mention it, some of the deadlings had ornamented face masks and many cosmetic products are toxic just like the mummies. Perhaps it is produced by them?

Maltatai: No! Make up as in two words and as in imagine and create something fictional! Uuuuuh…of all the silly things to come up with…

Snövit: I do in any case never use any make-up.

Maltatai: Wise. It’s really not nearly as appreciated by guys as undead sellers would have you believe.

Snövit: It’s completely superfluous. If you want to colour your lips you just take some drops of demon blood. Lasts much longer and you can get many different colours.

The Rocky Waste held boss pack after boss pack after boss pack of foes. I think I faced five or six in a row. Waheed was killed off screen by an extra fast cursed leaper pack. I have vowed to myself not to let minions tank where I can’t see them. From then on things went smoothly through the Dry Hills – not very hilly – and the Far Oasis. Frozen Arrow melted almost anything. Insect swarms usually melted in one shot. I contemplated for a moment to go after the staff in the Maggot Lair but decided to postpone it.

Maltatai: Would it take up too much space in your inventory?

Rödluvan: Had you gotten a blue valkyrie that you didn’t want to lose to the vile poisons of Coldworm?

Telash: Did you want to take advantage of the remaining daylight and clear the open grounds first?

Snövit: Of course not! But you all know about the smell down there and the filthy oozing slime that hangs and drops from the walls and roof. Ewww… It would have been practically impossible to get it out of my hair in time (one of the deficiencies of circlets is the lack of adequate protection from such damages) and no matter how long you bathe the smell never seems to disappear.

Rödluvan: But you’ll have to go there eventually. Why postpone it?

Snövit: Because…I had urgent business elsewhere that late afternoon. Namely, early dinner at Atmas Tavern!




This post was edited by Maltatai on Dec 20 2016 02:14pm

Rödluvan: HOWDIDITGOHOWDIDITGOHOWDIDITGO?!

Snövit: First we talked more casually about the tavern and people in town. For a moment I almost thought Meshif would fancy Fara but if he did he wouldn’t have gone out with me so I think he just thought Fara was nice. Which she actually is, especially considering her silly hair colour. A healing blacksmith – superb! Just a little churchly sometimes. Meshif was also worried about his home in Kurast and Jerhyns stupid secretiveness. I promised him I could hardly wait to set sail to Kurast and the subject of sailing seemed to cheer Meshif up. He recalled the stupid unsailyness of Geglash and all the travelling he uses to do when the season is better.

Waheed: Unsailyness?

Snövit: I’m sure it is a word. If not, I just invented it so I get to patent it. Ha!

Clearing through the Far Oasis I eventually saw the characteristic passage through the cactus cliffs to the Lost City. Maybe that was the Lut Gholein of old and the current small town is just the old docks? One could hope that me passing into the ruined city would for ONCE not mysteriously coincide with the claw vipers casting their hideous astronomical spell, but true enough, welcome to the dark side. Darkness leads to restricted vision, restricted vision leads to fear, fear leads to bad reflexes in case of ambushes, bad reflexes in case of ambushes…leads to deeds. But not today!

It took searching through the better part of the Lost City and it’s ancient sewers (only one level, clearly ancient when compared to the sanitary three level tunnel system of Lut Gholein) to find the Valley of Snakes. I had to go back to town endless times to buy mana potions. The plague bearers are quite sensitive to cold but don’t offer much in the way of mana stealing. I spoke to Meshif about the darkness on several occasions. He tried to keep everyones mood up by joking about navigating easier than before but clearly this lengthy eclipse caused by claw vipers (yes we KNOW, Drognan) that the local wise guy had researched was very discomforting.



Then Waheed came up with a really splendid idea. He suggested that I should sing for Meshif to make him feel better!

Waheed: That was a joke! I joked that you could sing for Meshif and maybe he would fall asleep in your arms now that the night was so scary. It was even a very rude joke! Totally exaggerating Meshifs discomfort and blatantly ignoring the fact that we all felt pretty gloomy about having to face the horrifying Claw Viper Temple! While it’s cool that you didn’t get angry I can’t believe how you could take the suggestion seriously.

Snövit: I gathered two cargo crates and put a large barrel on them to get a little stage and then had Waheed and my valkyrie stand behind it so that the aura and glow acted like improvised spotlights. I had composed the text myself and it was, if I may say so, very well suited for the occasion.


Song:

Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit lonely when it’s not you I’m around
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the voice of Drognan
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the game has gone by
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I sprint and cast my decoy
Turnaround blue eyes, my valk does even
sometimes fall apart
Turnaround blue eyes, my merc does even
sometimes fall apart

Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit restless and I dream of Act V
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit helpless and I’m dreading going to Nihlatak
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit angry ‘bout the cold immunes that will make me cry
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit terrified when valkyries ascend to the skies
Turnaround blue eyes, but even cold immunes
will fall apart
Turnaround blue eyes, and even viper scum
shall fall apart!

And I need some luck tonight
And I need it more than ever
And if we only win this fight
I can leave that hole forever!
And we’ll soon say “let there be light”
Cause it’s the Amazon line, together
We can make the sun come back here and shine
It’s cloaked and in a shadow right now all of the time
Don’t know what skill to use and I’m always in the dark
We’re heading to a stinking viper giving off sparks
I’m facing Fangskin tonight
Forever lightning sparks and bite
Forever extra fast with claws

Back in nightmare times we were falling in love
And then the world was falling apart
There was nothing I could do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light during day
But this is not the slightest bit fun
I promise I shall fix this
Viper eclipse of the sun


Maltatai: “applauding”

Rödluvan: “whistling”

Telash: “applauding”

Snövit: Right after finishing the song I tried to bow gracefully to the audience, but the stupid barrel tripped and I fell to the ground just in front of Meshif. That dock is hard to land on. You would think there would be no shortage of sand in these neighbourhoods but I think that particular spot was seriously under-duned. On a happier note, I found myself looking up into concerned seafarer eyes when I opened mine, so it was quite worth the rough landing. I nevertheless think it would be better to skip the falling part and just have the looking into eyes part after future performances. Otherwise I shall need a dress socketed with Sol runes.

Maltatai: How was the temple then?

Snövit: Right from the start – a hopeless open room without flank protection – we were stairtrapped by almost a dozen claw vipers! It took three full rejuvenation potions for us to survive that. I used multishot which hit at least half the time. The only good things about being trapped in a corner was that we had at least half-decent flank protection and could not be knocked back any more.

Still shivering, I turned to the north eastern corridor and was greeted by a viper boss pack. We were almost pushed back to the stairs again. Damn, this welcome was hard. Guided arrow worked really well but it was slow progress. Multishot was my standard skill against groups because the poisoning helped a lot even if many hits missed.

Maltatai: Just like your precious idol back in the days.

Snövit: Yes, but I would have preferred facing bone warriors instead of serpents. In the whole damn first level of the temple it was nothing but claw vipers and salamanders. All cold immune. All charging. I had to run back many times and faced several bosses that I think even Rödluvan would agree were enormously disgusting.



Rödluvan: Ewww, fire immunities!

Snövit: I had to clear practically the whole first level – maybe it was even literally the whole first level – before I found the stairs down. I could barely hold my bow steady. I cast a decoy. Nothing yet. I cast another a bit ahead. Some embaled and bone warriors attacked it but they were manageable. Then I saw a minion claw viper.

Telash: But isn’t Fangskin a…

Snövit: Salamander. This was Fangskins little helper. A claw viper bosspack almost intermingled with Fangskins salamanders! For a little moment I thought we had them and that Waheed and the valkyrie could tank them in the small passage. Then they were both knocked back by charge after charge just like in the horror stories of Livexia. I led my team back up through the stairs a few times in the hopes of making the vipers spread out. It worked a bit but since they charge they were back around us in a blink. We were getting trapped by the stairs and grinded down. The rejuvenation potions had also been spent since long.



In my frustration I ran. I ran through them as they crowded around Waheed and my valkyrie. Poor Waheed fell drawing the enemy upon himself. I stuck to the left wall and hoped to find a path to the middle hill where I could open a portal to bring in a resurrected Waheed and my valkyrie. But it was blocked! Claw vipers and undead were all around the hill! I sprinted on to the northwestern corner and hid behind a large cage while my valkyrie teleported close to me. There were two guardians nearby that I targeted with magic arrows. Slowly we whittled down the undead and spare vipers. Luckily, the bosses were not aware of our presence. After finally having secured some room we proceeded east and slew Fangskins little helper and finally Fangskin himself. I kicked his altar over with all spite I could muster and stored the stupid amulet in the cube.

All the time down there I felt like I was being watched. Like some otherwordly being cloaked in fear were staring at me with sinister flaming eyes. That temple really is the stuff of hellish nightmares. Just thinking of it gives me the shivers.

Telash: You seem notably calmer, Waheed, despite being the one that has actually died.

Waheed: Yeah, I’m cool. There is no chance I will not be revived as soon as Snövit lives, and if she dies I will likely perish too in a second.

Telash: What if she decides to hire another mercenary instead?

Waheed: Even if she did, she would revive me to get the powerful equipment…wait a second…my equipment is generally lousy! But I’m still the only town guard with a frost aura in this hell. She would never choose another mercenary. Right? You wouldn’t, would you?

Snövit: Of course not. I would never want to hire another mercenary. Chill out.

Waheed: Hey, that’s supposed to be my line!

Snövit: But I hope we find better stuff so I don’t have to have you resurrected. Otherwise you may start turning undead soon.

Waheed: Ha. Ha. Not cool.

Rödluvan and Telash: “snigger”

Snövit: Now, I’m gonna go and ask Meshif if I can crash at his ship. I’ll probably sleep for the next week.

Maltatai: I hope the landing is softer than when crashing outside his ship. Over and out.


This post was edited by Maltatai on Dec 20 2016 02:16pm

Episode 22. Sands, Potions and Reds that Roll

Maltatai: Welcome back. While trying to ignore the loud snoring and zZzzz:s coming from the local harbour, the red flames have made progress trying to catch up with the capitalists questing.

Rödluvan: Red Flames if I may ask. Otherwise correct.

Maltatai: Caring so much about capital letters, isn’t that a bit capital-istic of you?

Rödluvan: No, 100% oversensitivity about my trademark and cheesy attention seeking.

Maltatai: …

Rödluvan: Eh…what did I just say? Let’s move on quickly to the report about Radament and the flashing flaming success of the Red Flames!

In the sewers we faced stunningly handsome skeletons, but sadly their personalities were terrible so we ditched them all. Snövit’s team probably ran into more bosspacks than we did but we met many champions. Theeey’ll keep ooon fiiighting till the end…Against melee burning dead I used strafe and something we did seemed to have great effect. I had expected to spend ages grinding them down sluggishly but either the lightning damage or the physical part worked great. Telash was really great down there and really impressed me. That sword certainly seems to do its part. The sewers are generally very good for Amazons with some space but not wide enough to be flanked. Burning dead archers could not even handle burning arrows. Obviously not any undead Amazons at least.

Between the rounds of burning up the burning, I took a drink or three with Geglash, the local Drink Demagogue. His habits regarding liquid may not be the healthiest but none can fault his care for the environment! No living, and few undead, citizens of Lut Gholein are so good at saving water as Geglash. Granted, he may take his toll on the liquor supplies, but that drunkard is a true role model when it comes to saving water. A born leader of environmental parties if ever there was one.

Having a literally empty skull, it is perhaps no wonder that the skeletons fell so easily for the decoy ruse. But the things they apparently believe about my decoy, and therefore me, is completely out of proportion! Undead (most certainly not!), extra strong (no titan, but I can give most a match in arm wrestling), spectral hit (three quarters of it anyway) and cursed (at the moment, I admit)!

Maltatai: That’s very weird. I’ve never heard of a decoy with such enhancements.

Rödluvan: I lured out most of the army of the (according to Ancient Kaa the Soulless) Horadric Hunk, then ran through the gaps in his lines and duelled Radament himself while my valkyrie held the remaining minions off and Telash bolted his bony back. Exploding arrows were reasonably good considering he was magically resistant. I guess being a mummy for centuries is bound to leave a dryness that not even the oozing moist of the sewers can banish entirely. Atma was relieved to be rid of Radament but still felt like his lesser cousins, the Hollow Ones. I gained a level when searching the sewers and came back up with a slightly better decoy and somewhat more penetrating gaze.



I wonder just exactly how penetrating eyesight you can get? Piercing darkness? Piercing…solid materials? Maybe even skin. That would be very useful for a healer I think, but I would like to be able to turn it off. It would be sort of terrible to see people’s blood vessels and bare muscles when looking at their faces. I hope you need something like skill level 21 to see in the darkness and maybe 22 to pierce cloth…objects. Two more skill levels will be rather easy to come by once I am fully trained. Medical stuff could require something like 25 so you don’t risk seeing those things accidently but don’t have too much difficulty getting it from just an amulet and a circlet. Would be bad to have to wear a Peace armour when doing surgery, for example. Wow, I totally need to write that last thing down for my future public health care propositions. But no using public equipment off duty. One has to protect the privacy and integrity of people. Only private equipment should be allowed for private use.

Maltatai: What an interesting last comment, coming from you.

Rödluvan: Don’t tell Snövit I said that. I don’t want to her to get any strange ideas. At least not too strange.

Maltatai: Just out of curiosity; what ideas would be not too strange but still strange?

Rödluvan: The golden middle ground is “funny”. Funny ideas are unusual but so unusual that they become strange. Now, Telash, could you go and fetch Snövit? I have a funny present for her. I’ll fetch it in the meantime.

Telash: Ok…but if this is some sort of ambush project I would like to be out of the crossfire before it begins. Snövit will be a living snowstorm if she’s awakened in that manner now.

Rödluvan: No, nothing like that! We’re friends now, remember?

Telash: Okay. I’ll go and ask Meshif to wake his sleeping beauty. The waking up thing may take some time. All morning I think. So why don’t we meet up at lunchtime again? I can get some take-away leaper sandwiches from Atma’s.

Rödluvan: Excellent! Just make sure you don’t order sand-witches again.

Telash: Of course not!

Maltatai: Sand-witches?

Rödluvan: Just an old misadventure from a campaign with the Iron Wolves. Part of the reason why Asheara was so keen to transfer Telash’s contract if I understood it correctly.

Telash: That’s a long and irrelevant tale. The incident has been exaggerated beyond all sense and reason. Now let’s get going.

Maltatai: What!? Hey!? What about the storytelling!?

Rödluvan: Ah, why don’t you deal with that in the meantime? You’re an expert storyteller. You can cover my rampage through the Dry Hills and Far Oasis and the finding of the Staff of Kings. Now you’ll have a golden opportunity to give a refined and uninterrupted account. See you at lunchtime!

Maltatai: But…but I don’t want to give a completely uninterrupted account of everything…

Not even your protagonists do what you tell them these days. For all who somehow managed to ignore the massive spoiler by Rödluvan; here is a summary of the dangers Rödluvan, Telash and their valkyrie faced in the desert:

While the Rocky Wastes did not hold as large a population of boss packs as when Snövit stepped out, the Stony Tomb was all the more dangerous. Telash got caught by a malicious beetle gang leader and fell heroically shooting impressive lightning bolts at the lightning immune insects. After resurrecting him Rödluvan pulled herself together and did not lose him any more time for now. Almost as malicious as the beetle was the rune the unbearably lucky team found. Now they just lack a Ta and Tai rune to make the most devastating runeword that could possibly exist. The Dry Hills held a large and enthusiastic catwoman population who eventually got overheated when fired upon. Clearly they are more hot-blooded than what’s good for you.

To the astonishment of the non-existant spectators, Rödluvan recovered the strange boots of waterwalking. Ultimately deciding that their potential as life-saving equipment onboard Meshif’s ship was less than expected (when falling in one usually benefits from keeping ones head up and feet down and not the other way around) she sold them to Fara who stowed them away for future use as mobile irrigation equipment. Entering the slimy Maggot Lair provided a long and tedious but hardly very dangerous trip through the overgrown subterranean sand castle. The Red Flames had to explore every single millimetre of the first level before tripping over the hole down. Unless you are about to have lunch now, feel free to take a break until that appropriate juncture and fullness of time, to follow the events properly.

The sun happily scorches the dried mud bricks of the rickety shelters where the main characters have now decided to camp for lunch. Foolishly crawling out from the more bearable hideouts at the tavern and inn the Red Flames have assembled with standard picnic gear and a large box carried by Rödluvan.

Telash: Mission accomplished. Bow down to the mighty Telash and bask in His glory and sandwiches!

Rödluvan: Hallowed be thy groceries. Where are the Blue Snow? We need Waheed here quickly before the drinks fall from cool through tepid down to undrinkable!

Telash: Look, I told them. They will be here soon. And there is Waheed at least! With a blue sack over his shoulder?

Rödluvan: A mysteriously plated blue sack, I say, looking strangely like a pair of blue legs with attacked blue hips.

Telash: Hmm, that penetrate skill does have its advantages…

Waheed: Cool party. “Heaves Snövit down on a sack”

Snövit: Ow! You moron…”snort”…zzz…

Waheed: Our ever vigilant captain and role model.

Telash: You wanted to bring her here so you get to wake her up. We’ll give you a heroes funeral.

Rödluvan: Bah, I know the perfect way to deal with this. HEY SNÖVIT, THE COLLECTIVE IS CONFISCATING ALL PRIVATE PROPERTY OF EVERY AMAZON IN ARANOCH! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!

Snövit: “Snort”…zz-what?...HUH!? What…

Rödluvan: Good morning and midday, snoring sweetheart! You look stunning and stunned.
Here’s a sandwich! And a glass of Lysanders lemonade.

Snövit: Is it, like…safe?

Rödluvan: Oh, yes. He’s tested it himself.

Snövit: That’s just the kind of thing that would get me worried.

Rödluvan: Relax, he’s not as crazy as he may seem. I spent a lot of time with him lately.

Snövit: Ok, now I’m seriously paranoid. You drink first.

Rödluvan: Cheers! Don’t wait too long with yours, even Waheed can’t keep the heat away forever.

Snövit: “Gulp” Why are you meeting Lysander all of a sudden? Are you trying to devise some kind of alchemical improvement to your arrows?

Rödluvan: Smart guess, but it was actually a totally civilian errand. After I beat Rad…

Waheed: Wait! Take it from the start, for those of us too bored (me) and busy (Snövit) to listen to Maltatais recapitulation earlier.

Maltatais: Your appreciation of me is touching! It was actually Rödluvan that told most of the story.

Rödluvan: We went down and whacked Radament, or shot him more of it. It was a bit troublesome without your fancy freezers but his army was stupid and strayed too far. My decoy was promoted to unique undead boss and Geglash generously donated supplies to our endeavours. When the town had settled down after having their sewer back in old slimy shape I went on with the most glorious quest of every friend to a hitching up friend:

Snövit: Being?

Rödluvan: Scouting and reconnaissance! I went around town collecting rumours and gathering information and gossip about Meshif!

Snövit: I was thinking we were actually getting along well when it comes to getting to know each other…

Rödluvan: Yes of course, but everyone needs an attentive pal to keep her from doing anything foolish! Besides, Lysander had some very funny things to say about Meshifs vessel and its effects, hahahaha!

Telash: Tehehehehe…

Snövit: I am sure he came up with those all by himself. You had of course nothing to do with steering the conversation on towards those things?

Rödluvan: Hey, Lysander actually makes potions to counter those effects. I think one or two may be worth trying out if you feel dizzy again. I mean, dizzy from the ships rocking, not the sailor company, whose produced dizziness seems virtually uncurable. Lysander is really nice actually. He fancies Atma, but keeps his distance out of respect since she is a mourning widow. I suggested that he should at least visit her tavern and maybe talk to her. If nothing else, he might make her laugh with and untimely exploding potion…although he would perhaps not be able to hear it, poor man.

Lysander told me about how popular some brews are in the west, and that Warriv usually sells them with ease. This fascinating subject led us to the area of other clients and their preferences, such as Jerhyns previous purchases and more generally, the production and distribution of love potions.



Snövit: Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Waheed: And you have taken an…active role in that business?

Rödluvan: Selling those things to Jerhyn? Perish the thought! That creep!

Snövit: That’s a relief. I mean, we have to consider the feelings of the poor potion too. Jerhyn…ewwww!

Rödluvan: From one thing to the other; Snövit, I know how to get the maggot goo off! Foolproof way!

Snövit: Really? How could you discover it if it’s foolproof?

Rödluvan: Moron. It’s actually two ways. Telash managed to clean his robes by using static electricity to make all the goo spots sort of jump and twitch off. It was kinda creepy. Like a mad necromancer trying to revive dead bodies by lightning and preparing to shout “it’s aliiiive!” after succeeding.

Telash: Full body coverage has its uses sometimes. If you tried robes someday you could probably still have room for those smoky shoulder pads.

Rödluvan: Anyway, I doubt it will go well with slimed hair. It would be impossible to form even a half-descent braid or ponytail with such sparked hair. Only viable style would be Haystack #4. My way is much better. You know about this way of bathing in steam rather than water they have in the western kingdoms?

Snövit: That sauna thing or whatever it was?

Rödluvan: Turns out it works just as well with a just a tent. And conjuring heat is no problem with my specialties, while rain water is ridiculously abundant in those neighbourhoods.

Snövit: Now, what exactly have you been up to???

Rödluvan: While you were sleeping I took the opportunity to help out the local market a little. The state sometimes needs to support especially valuable industries in hard times after all.

Telash: “Valuable industries” indeed…

Rödluvan: Lysander was happy to sell, after a little haggling and persuasion. With the siege and marauding monsters he hasn’t been able to sell much lately. I took it back west by waypoint as a little treat to our former minions. They’ve had an awfully hard time with the fall of the monastery anyway, so they could surely use some cheering up anyway. Free of charge, of course. Public health and humour care from our compassionate collective. Lysander had really outdone himself! He had come up with a few new, a little experimental, recipes which he was eager to know the effects of. I invited the rogues I knew best and their friends to one of their tents that they graciously let me use to steam off the green thing. It even had a miniature bath tub with water outside to cool oneself - most convenient. I did not invite Kashya. She would probably be the queen of party-banning hair-knitters worldwide with her strict rules about appropriate rogue behaviour. My guests agreed and took it in turns to stand guard outside to keep us safe from any nosy nuisances.



Waheed: Hair-knitters?

Snövit: It’s an Amazon term for people who ruin parties and fun. Letting down your hair is equal to thawing up and starting to have fun; thus, attempting the opposite does of course mean that you ruin the fun. It isn’t directly connected to ones actual hairstyle in any direct way.

Waheed: I see. Cool.

Rödluvan: The rogues also took the opportunity to bathe in the steam – quite understandable, that constant raining must be hell on your joints - and were eager to give their assessments of Lysander newest recipes.

Telash, Waheed and Snövit: “shocked smiley”

Maltatai: Wasn’t that a little unethical? You more or less tried hitherto untried potions, be they from a trusted producer or not, on them and did not even bother to do guard duty yourself?

Rödluvan: Certainly not! Honestly, what kind of irresponsible hostess do you take me for? I would never want to put them in any unnecessary danger. I had of course tried ALL of the new potions myself before I shared them. I even took an extra mouthful of each potion type to be sure to compensate for my…somewhat sturdier constitution. For that very same reason, my guests talked me out of doing any guard duty. They most fervently claimed I was much too, how do you say it…indisposed, and much more needed for keeping the steam up. They were probably right, now that I think of it…although my memories are a bit unclear as you may understand. Clouded in mist, quite literally.

So, all in all a grand evening! The next morning I wrote down the rogues thoughts and suggestions of the various recipes. They had many ideas about potential improvements but were otherwise most satisfied. I wrote down one collection of opinions for myself and one shorter, more professional report with the more swooning ways of expression and highlights of memorable moments removed. Though if Lysander behaves really well I might let him read a bit of the former one too.

And here you are, sweetheart - one crate of Lysanders finest and exhaustingly thoroughly field/tent-tested, totally safe, and evidently effective potions!

Snövit: Awwwww, how sweet of you! Thanks! It’s so touching how you…mmmhihihi…will valiantly go through such trouble to give me a present like this.

Rödluvan: Trouble? Ah, yes of course, “service is its own reward” as we chivalrous champions in shining armour, well, shoulder pads, say.

Telash: Oh, really? That is a line I will remember the next time you complain about the cost of having to resurrect me!

Waheed: Good point, man. I’ll make a note of that myself. A cool note.

Snövit: Ok, so what is in these things anyway? Or is that a corporate secret?

Rödluvan: Not at all! The only secret is how they are blended and cooked. The ingredients themselves are really common potions. Love potions are made up of Health, Mana, Stamina, Rejuvenation and Thawing potions. Thawing potions make you thaw and be warm. Rejuvenation potions make you feel younger, Mana potions give energy and Stamina potions give increased stamina. Healing potions helps the body recover more quickly from draining exertions. The same can not be said about your mind, though. Intoxicating effects tend to last a looong time, but they don’t leave any hangovers. On the other hand, it is possible that embarrassing memories and still sleeping company will hang over you the next morning but that is the only hangover that may occur.

If you invite someone less known to drink with you, it can be advisable to add a bit of Antidote potion too. I didn’t do that for any of your potions, though. I guessed you would not find it necessary?

Snövit: I’ll have no worries drinking that, thank you. At least none relating to the need of that ingredient.

Rödluvan: Good, cause Antidote potion gave it a bit of a prudish, paladinly taste…perhaps a bit like a liquid cleansing aura. That is sort of a turn-off. I wonder if flavouring with some fruits or berries could counteract it. I’ll buy some in Kurast and let Lysander try that.

Snövit: There is a warning sign here on the crate…”volatile”?

Rödluvan: Oh, that! That’s Lysanders standard warning sign. He uses it on practically every crate. In the case of standard potions of various kinds, they are just as liable to go off in your face as anything as he put it.

Snövit: But not these, I hope?

Rödluvan: Absolutely not! Lysander is just too lazy to make a new warning sign. He really is especially lazy in this particular case because you only need to change a few words.

Snövit: And why is that?

Rödluvan: Ehm, well, how shall I put it? If your partner drinks a potion containing a bit too much Mana potion and a bit too little Stamina potion…

Snövit: Oh! I see!

Telash: “facepalm”

Waheed: This is getting beyond embarrassing.

Rödluvan: So in the case of love potions it is not, hrrm, the potion as such that is liable to do that, but rather the person drinking it. Not that it’s a big deal – and nothing that a second drink won’t help with – but I feel there should be some kind of warning sign. I have yet to find the right wording. Maybe the rogues can help with that? There could be a contest about coming up with the catchiest and at the same time most informative warning text. The winner gets a personalised potion recipe. Lysander has a bit reluctantly agreed to give this area of expertise greater priority in the future.




This post was edited by Maltatai on Dec 23 2016 07:16am

Rödluvan: Meshif seems to be well liked all through the town, but people are somewhat more suspicious towards seafaring in general and his ship in particular. You’ll be able to rally some supporters for a non-leaking ship committee.

Maltatai: I would like to rally you for the Get on with the battle report soon committee. I actually insist. Did your adventures end with the spa weekend at the Rogue Camp or do you perhaps have something more to tell?

Rödluvan: Yes and yes.

Maltatai: “Rises eyebrow”

Rödluvan: They did end with that but I also visited the Lost City and Claw Viper Temple before that.

Snövit: You…you stayed safe in there I hope?

Rödluvan: Do I look so terribly ghostly to you?

Snövit: No. That place is just so horrible. But since you are here and the sun shines you obviously made it. But hey! I was asleep all the time. Well, not all the time but asleep or otherwise indisposed. I have days of worrying about you to catch up with!

Rödluvan: That was sort of the point of setting out while you were still snoring. And that it will take ages before my head has cleared enough to hunt monsters again. Having the temple quest hanging over me would really be one nasty hangover polluting my relaxed recovery.

So, the desert greeted me with rather easy zombies and marauders in the Lost City, along with the Gloom’s Trap mesh belt. The name suited the situation impeccably but it was otherwise not so useful to me. I also had the displeasure of facing vipers exclusively in the temples first level. They were fierce and aggressive and mauled my valkyrie at one time. I did at least not get stairtrapped. Fire and venom was decent against them and open wounds ruled as usual.

Further into the corridors I made a most AMAZING discovery. The Demon Limb! Now I am enchanted too! Aaaand…the damage carries over to my exploding arrows! Finally a little boost to my main attack skill! Strafe also really improved through this. It’s a shame you haven’t found one too, it would probably be heavenly for you and Waheed. I also found a nice shield for Telash. I put a diamond in it and a Sol rune. Diamonds are a mage’s best friend or whatever it was.

Snövit: I’m happy someone got something good out of that dark hole. Congratulations indeed. But how on earth did you beat Fangskin?

Rödluvan: On earth, just like you said.

Maltatai: Could you clarify?

Rödluvan: Tense as my bowstring, I stepped down the stairs with shield and axe to block surprise attacks. Wow, that almost rhymed. I saw nothing close by. I then went up and town portaled to town to get the Spellsteel axe which I have stored, if you remember.

Snövit: Aha! Now I understand.

Rödluvan: It would certainly have been embarrassing, for the remaining millisecond of my existence, to teleport into a waiting Fangskins crowd on the central hill, so I had to advance to scout a bit. I tried casting slow missiles to light up the place. To my frustration we were beset by a couple of undead from the right so I had to go up, portal back, get my crossbow and smash them, and then get the axe again. There were two claw vipers on the hill I think, but I got them with strafe from afar. Hahaaa! Then I teleported to the hill, opened a portal, and returned with crossbow in hand and a fort to hold! Bone warriors swarmed the stairs and the whole chamber around us was slithering! It was a horrifying place!

Fangskin was north of us and just stood there cursing for the long battle. My minions had great trouble with the bone warriors and it took me ages to get the vipers south of us and be able to target the guardians (fire immune).



Maltatai: Splendid! A textbook example of careful teleporting and seizing the viper hill! But what has this got to do with “on earth”?

Rödluvan: The hill is sand and earth. The floor is brick tiles. Simple.

Maltatai: “facepalm”

Snövit: That’s great! Now none of us need ever go back there!

Rödluvan: I was lucky not to run into any little helper of Fangskin. He did however have a bony consultant instead. Suitably lightning enchanted of course to blend in. I guess his fees were quite outrageous too since he was mana burning too.



Maltatai: Nice valkyrie.

Rödluvan: Indeed, the orange of petty vengefulness.

Snövit: When did you finish all this and your vacation trip west?

Rödluvan: Came back this morning. Why?

Snövit: I was wondering if I would have time to get the staff and then borrow that steam tent before you decide to export another load of liquid westwards. I think I would prefer a quieter atmosphere when scrubbing slime off my head. Do you think your party guests are still sleepy?

Rödluvan: Maybe not asleep but pretty docile I guess. But there are of course the ones I did not invite who got their presents from my guests, by mail order so to say. Except the order.

Snövit: Yikes! I’ll try to stay discreet then.

Rödluvan: I wouldn’t count on it, but if you have to get maggot slime off you have to get maggot slime off. You just don’t have the physique to stay discreet, friend.

Snövit: Thanks, I suppose, but that was an ominous compliment if ever there was one. Maybe I can buy a tent of my own here in the town? Or perhaps with comfortable spacing for two persons…for all eventualities…

Rödluvan: Now I’ve got to tell what that RASCAL and RAPSCALLION of a SCOUNDREL that I have hired did last morning!

Telash: Heee hee hee…

Rödluvan: I rose and went out of my room to go to the tavern and have breakfast. I knocked on Telash’s door to ask him if he wanted to come too. He mumbled something and then asked me to come in. When I stepped in I saw him still lying in bed with his blankets over the face and murmuring something animalistic. I asked if everything was all right and Telash asked me to come closer and if I could pull down the blanket a bit. I was beginning to get really concerned now – either he was ill or something or he was attempting some sort of shameless and tasteless prank. So I carefully pulled down the blanket from his head…and that sight!

Telash: It was absolutely nothing compared to the sight of your face, I promise you that. That look was priceless!

Rödluvan: Furry and hairy and with huge teeth and gleaming yellow eyes! I was so taken aback that I could just stutter something like:

“W-why do you have such large eyes, Telash?
“That’s so I’ll be able to see you better.”
“But what about that large nose?”
“That’s so I’ll be able to smell you better.”
“And the ears?”
“That’s so I’ll be able to hear you better.”
“And what about those huge teeth?”
“THAT’S SO I’LL BE ABLE TO EAT YOU!”
“Aaaaah!”
“Hahahahahihihihihi!”
“TELASH!”

That moron had crawled in under his bed and hidden himself, and used the Crescent Moon sword to summon a spirit wolf which he hid in his bed under the blankets (actually the wolf seemed to enjoy the bed very much and looked content with remaining there for a long time, summoned or not)! I even think the wolf shared his sense of humour and laughed at me (spiritually connected spirit wolves, after all)!

Telash: Hahahaha! Raaagh! I’m the big bad wolf!

Rödluvan: Pfeh! Yeah, yeah, oh mighty Iron Wolf. And what does that make me, I wonder?

Telash: You…are a little PIG!

Waheed:

Maltatai: A pig?

Snövit: “Giggle”

Rödluvan: What!? How dare…

Telash: As in the three little pigs and the big bad wolf destroying the houses of the slacker pigs. Come on, you MUST have heard of that fairy tale.

Rödluvan: I was sort of hoping to be compared to a fairytale cute little blonde with a red hood. But oh, no, that was evidently far too much to hope for. Grumble…

Telash: Ok, ok, Red, you can be anyone you like! I promise. Although with all the whitish magic arrows you’ve recently been using to conserve bolts and mana, your red may run the risk of lightening into a more…pinkish piglet tone…

Waheed: Hehehehehe…

Rödluvan: Now, I SAY! Where have you gotten all those stupid ideas!?

Snövit: Tihihihihihihihi!

Telash: I’ve been a little inspired by a comic about an assassin named Nemi. She must be an assassin I think, being all pale and gothic and dark-haired and so. Funnily enough, you never see her in gothic plate, though.

Rödluvan: Hmpf! Perhaps there is something about censorship in my future social republic after all…I think this pig business is behaviour worthy of a thoroughly uncivilized SWINE.

Telash: Take it easy, Red. You may turn into some more princessly pink or a discreet detective panther pink…although I am unsure how discreet that could really get.

Maltatai: This joke is stretching thin. I promise you are as red as ever, Rödluvan. Except possibly when compared to when you’re wearing the red gothic plate for magic finding. Which you hardly seem to need anymore with your obscene item luck! Almost as obscene as your lately acquired drinking habits. Over and out.


This post was edited by Maltatai on Dec 23 2016 07:18am