Maltatai: You mean you found a fire shrine!? In the middle of the Chaos Sanctuary in the River of Flame in the Burning Hells, so that makes sense sort of, now that I think of it.

Rödluvan: A reckless idea sprung to my mind as I whittled down the guardians of the seals with my flail. I talked it over with Telash who agreed to give it a try (not that one can try more times but anyway). When Diablo appeared we lured him to the shrine, and I triggered it! It was horrible. The flames went right through my shields and armour and I was badly burned, but so was Diablo, fire spelling demon or not. I tossed Telash a purple potion and drank one myself and retreated south to refill my belt. When we advanced back, Diablo cast some sort of spell as I attempted to go around him to draw fire off Telash. I do not know what it was but Telash died before I could even grab a potion to give him.

Maltatai: The extra damage to hirelings just sucks. It’s unbalanced and lame.

Rödluvan: When Telash died in an instant I became furious. I charged the great redneck and stabbed him time and again which caused crushing blows to his health. His life melted away along with his confidence, for I had positioned my valkyrie behind him. She did attack using both spear and feet and thereby, Diablo had his behind kicked by a level one valkyrie, which was most humiliating for him.



After an epic fight I danced over his corpse and desecrated it in honour of Telash.



Maltatai: You...triggered a fire shrine while battling the lord of terror and then meleed him to death?

Rödluvan: I threw some exploding arrows in to complement the open wounds, but it was not very effective, so basically yes.

Maltatai: That’s pretty cool, I think. Badass Amazon tactics. You have bested Diablo on players 8, not bad of you.

Snövit: Who the hell cares!? Kasim is gone and I have failed.

Rödluvan: If this is a victory it is as hollow as the greater mummies of the Halls of the Dead.

Maltatai: When someone dies in the world of Sanctuary, their souls regularly end up in hell. What do you think happens when someone dies in hell?

Snövit: What do you mean?

Maltatai: You may have a couple of capricious condottieri, or lonely landsknechts waiting for you in Harrogath. Over and out.

This post was edited by Maltatai on Nov 19 2016 08:15pm

nice story

And don't forget ghost packs! Totally devastating, as well as against the ever troublesome gloams.



Each to our own Luckily I like picture editing a lot too.



This post was edited by Maltatai on Nov 21 2016 11:03am

Episode 9: Lord of Normal

Maltatai: …Now rise, thread, the time has come to assume your true form!

Rödluvan: What is all the commotion about? What! Maltatai! Where have YOU been?

Snövit: You just disappeared and all went black. We were trapped in a dark oblivion! And I bet I saw Cthulu as well on one occasion. The monster had some kind of obese racoon on his back.

Maltatai: My computer was hit by some sort of power overload or power surge or something like that. If I had ever made a lightning amazon I could have asked her about the correct term. Eternal damnation on the careless energy company here whose pathetic grid can not stop such fluctuations! The hard drive was damaged and could not be used again so I had to transfer you to a new one with the help of a friend. It took some time. And then I have been buried alive in masses of school work. Boooo…

Snövit: You dare to tell me that my magnificent adventures and thrilling escapades were disrupted like this because of some LAME and SILLY mundane writing of dull texts?!

Maltatai: Yes. I am very sorry.

Rödluvan: Not nearly as sorry as the demons responsible for our imprisonment will be. Trapped in eternal darkness for MONTHS!

Snövit: Who shall I shoot? There will be no escape from guided arrows…

Rödluvan: Who shall I burn?

Maltatai: Gratitude. Later I found this old wand lying on the ground and it turned out to be a



Mephisto inspired me to say some cool commanding spells and incantations as I wielded it.

Rödluvan: “Gratitude”? That’s an odd way of expressing yourself. Almost archaic to the point of bordering the comical. Have you perhaps been watching Spartacus: Blood and Sex?
Snövit: It’s Spartacus: Blood and Sand.

Rödluvan: In name only. I was speaking of the content, which is easily summed up.

Maltatai: Hehe, you have a point there. But a show can nevertheless be quite entertaining. The archaic outbursts of profanity and eloquent cursing referring to body parts of various gods are also quite entertaining.

Rödluvan: Pfef! I cannot understand how anyone can find such an endless display of video violence entertaining.

Snövit: That’s because you are a bigot hypocrite and more censoring than Akara.

Rödluvan: Shut your mouth, moron!

Snövit: Ha! I have not even watched the crap, in opposite to you who seem so knowledgeable of the lowlife show’s content! Personally, I hold myself to slightly higher standards and avoid vulgar orgies of blood and killing.

Maltatai: Like Diablo II, then.

Snövit: What!?

Maltatai: Vulgar orgies of blood and killing. Is that not a rather apt description of the point and “plot” of this game?

Snövit: Of course not! This game has…has…magical talking books too! And angels!

Rödluvan: And user-interactivity and customizable character development and more influence to the player!

Maltatai: Rödluvan, I never thought I would hear you utter such presumably foul marketing clichés. As a matter of fact, did I mention that the ex-slaves in the show form a collective community apparently based on quite high solidarity with each other?

Rödluvan: Huh? Collective? Solidarity?

Maltatai: And that the show seems to be a commercial success and involves lots of gold and treasure?

Snövit: Hmm? Commercial success?

Maltatai: Not to mention that in the latest season there emerges a veritable amazon trained in the use of the bow watching over the protagonist as he heads straight into obvious ambushes just like the hirelings, while another girl makes considerable improvement when practising dodge and critical strike skills when fencing?

Snövit and Rödluvan: There are BOWAZONS in the show?!

Maltatai: But you were neither interested in endless displays of video violence nor in vulgar orgies of blood and killing so I shall not dwell on the unpleasant subject any longer… Why are you coughing and clearing your throats like that? Is it something with the air? Rödluvan, could you please tell about the exciting journey through the barbarian lands?

Rödluvan: Well, after arriving at Harrogath I knew never to trust angelic transportation services again. I dropped out of the air right in Malah’s cauldron, but thankfully before the old witch had begun cooking anything. After having my bruised back healed I limped out to look around. This is really a small town, it’s just a tiny village. And there are no places for archers to shoot from. No wonder Baal’s forces were about to storm the place. The smith in town was the most rude I’ve met, expecting me to have to prove myself to him just because I happened to stumble into the town. I tell you, if that Shenk had not been in my way I would have left him untouched just out of spite! Qual-Kehk was better, treating me like one of the team.

I even met Telash again! Evidently he was sent here by Tyrael who did not want to admit him entry into heaven. It was some old misunderstanding regarding that girl Natalya in Kurast and not being married. That was also the reason Telash was banished from the town guard of Kurast and forced to work for strangers like me. Telash assured me it was a very trivial and minor thing not worth mentioning.

We shot our way slooowly through the heaps of demons leading to Shenk. The life of the guys was tremendous! It was as if some evil force had turned them eight times stronger than they should have been!

Maltatai: “Whistles”

Rödluvan: When Shenk died there was some malfunction that caused all his catapults (those that I had previously destroyed…) to target the spot, but they did only damage the enemies. Very strange.

Continuing through the frozen and cold November-like lands I struggled with my insufficient little edge bow. It certainly made me feel on edge. Insufficient, silly thing. I had better luck with charms. I found one particularly charming that increased both fire resistance and life. Both red things and highly vital for success and theme. To my horror, I also found out about Baal’s evil attempt to infiltrate and undermine the communal, red amazon unions by painting his demon bosses red! Ha! Ever that weasel Baal! I promptly disposed of the taskmaster in disguise.

Maltatai: Snövit, how was your beginning of the act?

Snövit: Kasim waited for me at the town gate! He was instructing Qal-Kehk in how to form a phalanx formation. I, for one, stuck to the theme and rules and played as a BOWAZON and not some little wannabe-daggermancer with a bone shield. I found a rare razor bow with good speed but little damage, but it allowed me to shoot my free magic arrows at a good pace. The frozen ones were not especially effective but they kept Kasim safe when he got mobbed. I had trouble with the mana and could not really rely on my special arrows as a main source of damage.

Rödluvan: No wonder, since your arrows and theme are crap.

Snövit: Go back and play with your little campfire!

Maltatai: Now, now, please don’t bash each others brains out until the end of the chapter. There was some issue with a nihilist fellow I heard?

Snövit: Nihilist?

Rödluvan: It’s Nihlatak, not Nihilist. But maybe he is a nihilist, I don’t know. The way he blows up corpses one could think he doesn’t want anything left – that he wants a world with nothing in it and believes in nothing. Yes, Nihlatak was some kind of elder guy who mainly smirked and insulted newcomers. He was rather pale too. Maybe his last name is Malfoy?

Nihlatak had stolen some holy relic that would make it possible to pass through the ancient summit unchallenged. I don’t know why someone would leave such a totally vital and decisive thing in the hands of Nihlatak or lying around or able to be stolen. I mean, every player immediately grasps that Nihlatak is the potential traitor since he is so impolite.

Snövit: He likes to clean up dead bodies – I think he was the undertaker in Harrogath as an extra job apart from being an elder – which I helped him with. He was not very pleased with that. Apparently there was something wrong with the bodies melting instead of shattering in a gory splash of intestines. Perhaps he was having trouble with leaky drains and moisture in his cellar apartment?

Rödluvan: If we should try to at least make an impression of telling things in proper order; I had first rescued Anya, a polite but not so smart girl. She was sitting in the middle of an ice cube with nothing but a skirt and top. Not so healthy.

Maltatai: Comes from the girl who runs around in a quilted armour swimsuit with metal plates directly on her bare legs and arms…You don’t think she could have been trapped by an evil freezing curse?

Rödluvan: No way, all the monsters would have eaten her as an icy snack if they thought they should be hostile to her. Anyway, I got a bottle of super-hot chocolate from Malah which thawed her. Sadly, she drank it all and left none for me. I know she was cold, but she could have asked if I wanted some. I could have lighted a warm fire with my arrows in return. Then Anya just left in a portal and didn’t even say goodbye, not to mention ask if I wanted to come with her.

Snövit: She was the same towards me, as shocking as it may sound. I wonder if she was training in order to play the lich king in WC III? Sitting on a piece of ice and not bothering with normal politeness sounds like a lich king.

Rödluvan: We bow to your expertise.

Snövit: What? Why, thank you.

Rödluvan: Someone so cold and devoid of human feelings such as yourself must surely know what liches are like. Hahahaha!

Snövit: You foul, slimy, oozing epithet-not –allowed- by-the-forum-rules!

Rödluvan: Comes from the queen of stinking, scummy things-that-will-make-Thyiad-go-nuts herself!

Anya sent me to hunt Nihlatak and then I had to go through many icy caves to fight the ancients. The ancients are a group of three old immortal men who spend their time complaining about all younger generations and their apparent shortcomings and practise warfare. The Arreat summit is more like the Arreat retirement home! It was my pleasure to slaughter those insulting old fossils!

The hardest of them was Talic. For some reason he is almost always the hardest. He has ared armour with oversized plates and big horns on his helmet. Wait a second… Talic is a warrior of Khorne, the blood god! It all makes sense now! I stabbed him a lot with my strengthy kris (I’m queen stabbity, stab stab, kill kill), but he didn’t mind. He just smiled and grunted “blood for the blood god, skulls for the skull throne”! It’s a shame the ancients didn’t drop any loot for I would sorely have wanted to get that stylish armour.

My valkyrie has no sense of style and fashion.



Blood for the blood god!



Snövit: I think he was more of an environmental or hunting guy than a slayer of Khorne. Or maybe a green little man from Mars. He could have been a Harry Potter fan too. I base these assumptions on his shield, which featured a deer, and was very deer to him. Hahaha!



Maltatai: “deep sigh”

This post was edited by Maltatai on Nov 21 2016 11:21am

Rödluvan: That was the lamest joke I’ve ever heard!

Snövit: Invent a new one yourself then. After the ancients had shared some of their presumed life experience with me I shot my way through the worldstone keep. Baal eventually greeted me standing on a little throne. He has really no grasp of strategy! He sent his last reserves at me one wave at a time! If he had sent them all at once it could have been troublesome, but now it only took time. It was my pleasure to melt all the minions of the shaman and unraveller pack! The hydras were hard, though. I had to watch Kasim all the time. After clearing his minions, I teleported down through the portal and battled with the lord of destruction himself. The smug narcissist snob even cloned himself on some occasions! I mean, how far can you sink?

Rödluvan: His amount of hit points was almost unbelievable. It was as if every blow, even crushing ones, barely scratched him!



Snövit: If they came from you, no wonder. Weakling!

Rödluvan: Yes, why don’t you feel for yourself how weak they are? Just come a little closer…

Eventually Baal fell! However, it was not before Telash had succumbed to his vile magic

Snövit: Not even Kasim made it. Baal was to a great extent constructed of those robot jellyfishes from the Matrix films. When he died the remaining ones fled and flew away.



Maltatai: Is the world saved now, thanks to the honourable sacrifices of the underpaid underlings?

Rödluvan: No. “sigh”. After (why after, why was he unable to enter when a lowly human could?) Baal was finished, Tyrael the arch-fool appeared. He explained that the worldstone had been corrupted and would soon spill out hellish influence over the world. The only way to stop it was to destroy it. And to destroy it he had to throw his sword into it.

Maltatai: Doesn’t sound too hard…

Snövit: Exactly! And the celestial presence kneeled to focus his mind and cause some lightning effects to aid in the games advertising campaigns. Then he rose and hurled his blade with a mighty swing… into the bottomless chasm…

Rödluvan: How can you miss a freaking WORLD STONE?! How incompetent are angels allowed to be? Then the world seemed to shake, and the worldstone started to melt. It’s essence turned into mist that flew out of the room and covered the world with it’s presence. The magic caused everything I had accomplished to be undone and reverted! All the unionising for nothing!

Snövit: No market shares left! Only my one employee who thankfully also reverted to past state – that is, alive. Now, everyone’s memory is wiped out and it is as if all those thing have never happened. We are back at the rogue camp and everything is as before the story started, except worse! I have caught some kind of flu or other illness that turned my resistance down to less than half! Kasim has been infected too!

Rödluvan: And the monsters are many times stronger than last time! They are obviously strengthened by the corrupted worldstones power. Only good thing is that our items and experience is unaltered. This is like a damn NIGHTMARE…

Maltatai: Something that is also different will be the player setting. From now on it will all be on players/1.

Snövit: What the (next difficulty level)!!! Did you cause all those monsters to be that strong?!

Rödluvan: Time for strikes and blockades!!! Strike him!!! Blockade the exits!!!

Maltatai: Yaaaaaah! Think of all the great experiences you have had that you would otherwise have missed! Over and out!

This post was edited by Maltatai on Nov 21 2016 11:20am

robot jellyfishes from the Matrix

Episode 10: Andy's Nightmare

Maltatai: Hello Rödluvan and Snövit. How fare you in the nightmarish nightmare?

Snövit: Ahh, excellent! All is well and we have found peace. But mine is more tasteful than hers, which SOOO last year.

Maltatai: Excuse me? Found peace in this violent game? Have you taken up some apparently immensely powerful kind of meditation?

Rödluvan: No, Snövit is just inept at explaining even the simplest things. We have raided the tower of the countess and found the runes for the “Peace” runeword. Now level 15 valkyries roam the land, invincible against everything except the venomous Andy.

Maltatai: That sounds relaxed.

Snövit: Are you kidding? Finally, no more overgrown players/8 monsters! And no silly ice creatures that never melt! Instead, lots of fallen ones and their shamans, hehehehe…

Maltatai: Good, good. You must have a lot of free time now then. Have you spent it well?

Rödluvan: Quite well. We have been watching every movie and tv-show centred on old-fashioned battles and fantastic monsters!

Maltatai: Well spent, yes… Has anyone had the time for some questing now and then?

Rödluvan: Of course. I have finished the entire act 1 without much difficulty. Enlightening and taxations has been brought to the western kingdoms and Andy is beaten, AGAIN. The valkyrie really makes things convenient. And she dresses very well too. An exceptionally sound choice of colour!

Snövit: Booo! Objection! The valkyrie is one confused girl! One day she is all blue and proper but the next she drops all sense of sensibility and goes all red!





Maltatai: Perhaps you could let your minions have some freedom of expression and choose the armour they like?

Rödluvan: Don’t be ridiculous!

Snövit: That was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!

Maltatai: Evidently not… I believe there was some time since you elaborated on your tactics and skills. How do you play nowadays?
Snövit: I rely on magic arrows for damage and have them maxed. Frozen ones are used for shattering corpses and stopping approaching foes. I have also built up fairly powerful guided arrows to hunt bosses with. They are expensive but can be useful out in the open field like in the first half of the act.

Rödluvan: I have had to redistribute my skill points thanks to that nagging, double-crossing, eavesdropping HAG of something that shames the Amazon community with her very existence!

Snövit: I still won.

Maltatai: OK, what is this?

Rödluvan: Snövit the slimy started to pester me about how inner sight is a white skill graphically, which should mean that only she is allowed to use it! Greedy, GHEEDY, moron! After some days of quarrelling we decided to let Kashya, Akara and Flavie arbitrate and they ruled in favour of Snövit with Flavie objecting. Since I am a woman of honour I reset the skills and went for maximum firepower instead. I will max penetrate instead of inner sight to strafe and melee with. But I will soon call for another arbitration regarding the skill slow missiles, which is rather RED and therefore Snövit should not be allowed to use it!

Maltatai: First and FOREMOST, it is I who is supposed to arbitrate here! And I rule that first, inner sight is red-ish when cast but also creates glittering white lights on the monsters so you are both connected to it. Second, your themes do not decide what skills you may use, only what skills you may MAX. That is why Rödluvan is entitled to use magic arrow as much as she likes, for example, even if they will never be as strong and decisive as Snövit’s arrows.

Snövit: WHAT!?

Rödluvan: HAHA! Na nana na naana! Na nana na naana!

Maltatai: You two are just impossible… Over and out.

Episode 11. Hot Desert Episode

Maltatai: The scorching desert sun greets the lonely wanderers as they climb the last hill. Gasping for fresh air in the exhausting heat they drag themselves towards the saving grace of the city, the shining jewel Lut Gholein, with the great sea beyond…

Snövit: And perhaps it was the warm desert wind or the sound of the ocean, but for the whole silly introduction, I slept.

Röduvan: And what was that nonsense about lone wanderers? We were not lonely. We trekked with Warrivs caravan. Besides, it is a contradiction in terms because if there are wanderers then they are more than one and not lonely.

Maltatai: Allright, allright! Forgive me so much for trying to create a resemblance of drama here. Since everyone knows what will happen story-wise somebody has to come up with a little entertainment. But I suppose you did not even feel the heat?

Rödluvan: It didn’t bother me too much with my high fire resistance, and Telash has his maxed since long. Even Kasim has, despite his unhealthy association with the blue hag.

Snövit: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Ouch!

Maltatai: What’s the matter?

Snövit: Too much sun for my fair, snow-white skin. Noble ladies such as I prefer the shade of a comfortable garden to the dusty streets and plains. Those are better left for the unsophisticated lower classes.

Rödluvan: How dare you! I will tell Kasim you said that!

Snövit: Be my guest. Kasim just quit his employment so I don’t think you will make much impression on my corporation by slandering along with him.

Rödluvan: Appalling!

Snövit: No, appealing. Kasim and I had a bit of a… disagreement about what aura would be the most suitable. I advocated holy freeze to cool down after all this sun and fit my theme but he was, well, defiantly holding on to defiance. So I terminated the contract and hired someone much wiser and with better taste. Someone tired of the unreliable socialistic power-hungry, self-serving, corrupt moron next to me.

Rödluvan: What treachery is this?

Snövit: And now she thinks she is Zeratul…

Maltatai: I am sure you will tell us the name of your new hireling before our retirement…

Snövit: Waheed! Hahahahaha!

Rödluvan: What! Has my old mercenary defected and also succumbed to the twisted influence of the blue auras? APPALLING!

Maltatai: Well, I guess it suits your theme better than defiance, although you are very defiant too. Something tells me we better get to the questing report quickly before the entire Sin War starts to look like a skirmish compared to the Amazon conflict here… right, what have you done so far?

Snövit: Is that supposed to be funny? We are doing the exact same as before, cleaning up sewers…

Rödluvan: Your specialty.

Snövit: …shut up, and looking for a staff and amulet that some old confused dudes left in a slimy maggot hole and in a temple with dark magic serpent-monsters. To keep them…safe?

Maltatai: Yes, I believe that is the explanation that is given. Horadric staves are split in two parts and they are in turn hidden. But obviously not too well.

Rödluvan: They worry more about their own rogue sorcerers than the legions of the prime evils. Such a thing would never occur had I been in charge! I would have inspired some team spirit and comradeship!

Maltatai: Whatever. Have I heard that before or what? So, tell me more about the questing. There must be some memorable moments.

Rödluvan: Me first! Hahahaha! Everything in order to beat Snövit in any possible way!

Snövit: Be my guest. As everyone knows, the most noble and honourable guests arrive last. The rabble and mob can start. Just go ahead.

Rödluvan: What a pathetic excuse for your embarrassing tardiness. I have blown beetles apart like porcelain dolls in a theme park. But not the cute beetles in the town of course. Sadly, they don’t seem to remember meeting me in their earlier lives. What a shame. Again, the burning dead are apparently not above the scummiest of deceptions. They are “red”, just like the noble and proud community comrades the Red Hoods.

Maltatai: Technically speaking, they do everything for the first time since they are spawned for the first time in nightmare, or actually spawned anew each playing session.

Rödluvan: Oh, go and inspect your quills and vulture demon feathers or whatever you scribes do! Now you are just talking nonsense again. “Gaming session”, pff! Like this was just a game! Laughable! We are most serious and dedicated Amazons, I’ll have you know!

Maltatai: Of course. Go on, o galactic superhero and world saviour number one.

Rödluvan: Hmpf! Well, we now come to the funniest part of the report… Wherein I triumph over Snövit in such an owning manner that the community will roll on the floor laughing at her when they read this.

Snövit: I don’t like the sound of this…

Rödluvan: One of the unofficial goals for both of us is to collect the runes for the “Melody” runeword, the Ko rune being the troublemaker.

Maltatai: Ko means cow in Swedish.

Rödluvan:….

Maltatai: Just thought I would mention it. It’s pretty funny actually, with the cow level and random cows scattered across the Act 1 wilderness. Sol means sun and Eld means fire, also. Tal means speech. Mal is a fish and a kind of moth. El is a shorter version of the Swedish words for electricity and electric. Tir is an old war god (can also be spelled Tyr). Gul means yellow – a yellow rune, hahaha.

Rödluvan: This is not a language lesson! Shut up or ZOD OFF!

Maltatai: Not to mention Sur, which is Swedish for sour. A sour rune… allright, allright, don’t become like the rune, I won’t interrupt anymore.

Rödluvan: Good. Now keep Ith shut or I won’t be so Cham-ing anymore. I Shael tell you about a most amazing find in the forgotten tower (I think) where I was raiding for runes to compose a melody of my own.

Snövit: Um, Ohm, what has happened to your language? No! Mine as well! Change the subject until we are all corrupted by the Runish power!

Rödluvan: Nef-er! I SHAEL tell and brag about my triumph! On the dark floor there suddenly lay a golden Arbalest, shining in the darkness. I haz da Langer Briser! I actually found a blue light crossbow for Snövit, the second-hand, crude selection for the unsophisticated mob, you know, like her.



Snövit: Grumble… Langer Briser… Pus Spitter would suit your personality more! That is what you are!

Maltatai: I wish I had the runes for “Silence”. Then the one not talking could equip it and there would be no more of this pointless bickering.

Rödluvan: There is more! I have a suit of rusted armour for you two, Snövit. We of the Red Hoods can spare some used and outdated items for the poor fellows like you pale Ice Maidens. What do you think? You may not get much sun, but then it may still be a little warm in the desert with this on. Maybe even warm enough to make you thaw a little, you frigid ice heart.



Snövit: OH! You wanna talk spoils of war, baby!?

Maltatai: What now?

Snövit: I give thee…DA LOOT!