Quote (-joey- @ Feb 13 2020 05:26am)
Goddamit! Where do i even start with this? I met this girl... well not actually, 3 months ago she was transferred in my division at the firm i work for. I'm not gonna bore you with the essence of our job, because it's boring and because my english sucks, so the less unnecessary details i share, the better the chance to understand what i'm saying. All i'm going to say is that during the summer the work increases and others are transferred from different branches of the firm (from neighbor cities) to fill the gaps... so this is how we ended up working together.
Now let me give you a little context, so you can paint the picture of my pain. I'm a 33 years old male and i have been in a few relationships before, thinking that i knew what being in love means. Well, it turns out i was clueless about love, until now, and i have no idea how i let this to happen to me, especially at my age. Here's how it went...
One day i arrive at work and i meet with Angie (not her actual name, but i'll refer to her this way). She was just an average 26 years old girl who didn't impress me at all at first. Of course i looked at her as nothing more than a new colleague... after all, i'm not a predator who looks at every woman as a sexual object. In fact there are a lot of way hotter women working at the same firm, but i never felt anything towards them, not even a crush, even though i work with them for years.
At first, Angie was incredibly shy and socially awkward, but from day one i begin to develop a suspicion that we may have a lot in common... and i was right about that. One month passes and the more and more i get to know her, i start to develop nothing more than a friendly sympathy towards her. She plays video games (and Diablo btw), like me. She loves science fiction and fantasy movies/tv shows, like me. She's a huge fan of all sorts of metal genres, just like me! All that led to me having friendly feelings for her, but that's all... well, until one morning, about 2 months ago... I woke up and she was there, in my head and she never left since then. Yes, just like that... and i'll try to explain it.
My feeling weren't that bad at first, but then i begun to think about the things i actually like about her and i went completely mad in love. It's not our common pop culture interests (they are just a bonus) that make her special in my eyes, it's everything else. She's the most natural and kind person i have ever met, there's nothing fake about her. The way she talks, the way she acts are just... real, you know... she doesn't try to impress anyone, or act smart, or try to be something she's not. NO, she's just her, and i never met a girl like this before. She doesn't look like the hot woman stereotype in my country. She doesn't wear the latest fashion, she has her own style that fits her perfectly, and still manages to look good without wearing any make up or elaborate hairstyle. In other words - she's just simple in a way that makes her gorgeous in my eyes. There's something about her look, that pierces through my very soul, every time she looks me in the eye... that look completely turns my world upside down and drives me insane to a point that i just want to scream, I LOVE YOU AND I'LL DIE FOR YOU IF I MUST. But i just can't admit how i feel and i'll explain why bellow in the post.
I also found out (or at least i have a strong suspicion) that she's incredibly lonely. She comes from a small town and in the time we spent together at work, all the conversations we had, she never mentioned having friends, or doing something with friends. I know she has online friends from different movie/gaming/book forums (thank God she doesn't know d2jsp, because i wouldn't be sharing this otherwise), she mentioned them and she also messaging them in the lunch breaks. That realization makes me even more drawn to her, as i want to be there for her... the two of us be there for each other. You see... i'm no stranger to loneliness and depression, i experienced them a few years ago and i had to fight my way out of their dark clutches... that was a period of my life that i wouldn't dare to wish upon my worst enemy and it kills me to see the girl that i love being in a similar state.
In other words, i never felt like this in my entire life. This has to be true love and i FUCKING HATE IT! It hurts me physically and mentally, because i'm too afraid to share my feelings. Normally i'm not all that afraid to be rejected by a girl, sure, i hate it (who doesn't), but rejection from the girl of my dreams... the one that i feel it's meant for me... the type of girl that you only meet once in a lifetime... that type of rejection will certainly kill me. It doesn't help the fact that she doesn't seem to be into me. Sure, it's possible that she could have some feelings towards me, but there are no clues of that... and when two people are attracted to each other, there are always visible clues - ALWAYS, with no exceptions. I leave her clues all the time... to a point that a few other colleagues already have suspicions about my obsession with her and they joke with me about it, while i neither deny or admit the truth. I already know so much about her, through conversations with her, or my own conclusions, but how much does she know about me? ALMOST NOTHING! Well, like i already said, she know what type of games, music and movies i like but outside of that she doesn't seem interested to get to know me as a person. Sometimes i ask questions about her, about her life, about her personality and we might end up talking a lot about her while i always listen with interest. But she never asks anything about me, and if i try to share a story or just give her a part of me, she doesn't seem interested and the conversation dies out almost immediately... It get's to the point that is really hard for me to talk to her, because we can only ramble about games, movies so much... and i eventually find myself completely helpless and just spiel jokes (which she likes but they don't help my case, because she a different type of girl) till the rest of the shift. You might say that i've been "friend zoned", but at least friends hang out together... NO, i'm not in the friend zone... i'm in no zone at all!
But the worst thing of all is that i have a huge suspicion that she might end up being asexual. Don't ask me how, cause it's going to be hard to explain, but there's something about her that indicates that she may not be attracted to any gender. I wonder what's worst, her not being into relationships, or her not being into me? The first will crush my hopes entirely, the second still leaves me with a small chance to win her over one day.
However, sooner or later, no matter what, i have to tell her how i feel, or this is going to be the end of me. I tried a lite approach by suggesting to play games online in our spare time, but she doesn't have her PC with her, so that's not going work. Then i suggested that we should do it after the summer when she'll be back home and that way we can keep in touch during the winter months. Well, she agreed and gave me her facebook page and skype, but again she didn't seemed very interested to talk about the stuff we can do together online, so guess what? This online relationship might end up being just a another form of torture for me. But sooner or later she'll find out the truth, one way or another. She'll be gone by the end of october and i'm not going to see her again until june. Maybe my wounds will heal in that period, by i wouldn't bet on that. How about i ask her on a date right now? Well, first of all, remember what i said about me being rejected by her. And second, how am i suppose to work with her if she rejects me. At this point i feel that rejection is almost certain, so i have to take an incredibly slow approach an keep torturing myself.
As a closing words, all i have to say is - WHY? Why is this happening to me, i never felt so devastated in my entire life. Last night i even cried.... and normally i don't burst in to tears easily, but i'm completely broken at this point so i wasn't surprised. I can't do anything, i haven't watched a movie, played a game, or do the stuff i normally do, because Angie is in my head all the time and i want to do the things i love together with her. I can't even hang out with friends because my mind is somewhere else all the time. Every day a piece of my soul dies as wake up in the morning, and the first thought the pierces my mind is that i cannot be with the girl i love.
I can't share this with anyone but you guys. My real life friends will never understand how i feel... i know them well and none of them has experienced my pain. The only real life person i shared this story with, was my older brother, who kinda laughed off and didn't took seriously the fact that a 33 year old man can allow this to happen to him. So why do i share this with you? Well i'm NOT looking for advise, i look for people who can relate to what i feel. To the rest of you, i hope you never end up like that, you have no idea how bad this is. Love hurts more than you can possibly imagine.
