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Episode 4. Concerning Monasteries, Smiths and Pits

Maltatai: After some time off it seems Snövit has recovered and is ready to put Blaise in new kinds of trouble. This time they are...

Snövit: Now, knock it OFF! Blaise has never been in serious danger and I would also like to point out that she followed me totally freely.

Maltatai: Of course. A hireling in a linear role playing game has all the power in the world to leave whenever she wishes... By the way, I hear Blaise’s health bar dropped down to yellow this time and you had to manically town portal her to safety.

Snövit: Rubbish! I was in complete control all the time. It was an advanced plan to weaken and disrupt a bosspack of goatmen. Everything was a calculated risk.

Maltatai: I see. Was the risk calculated before or after the encounter?

Snövit: Why don’t you let me tell the chapter from the start instead of these lame attempts at sarcastic humour?

When I woke up I found Kashya and Akara waiting to speak with me. They wanted to send Blaise to some prim, boring, restrictive religious school to learn not to hang out with amazons with bad reputations. No personal offense intended of course. I did of course not take it personally, I mean, how could I? This camp must be swarming with amazons. The fact that I have never seen anyone else ddoesn’t mean that there might be dozens hiding behind Gheeds wagon. Those old harpies! The trouble with the rogue leadership is that they are just jealous because we are better archers! They thought that I should go too to this religious stuff. Ah, whatever. I decided I could check it out. I had nothing better to do at the moment.

Crossing the Tamoe Highland I was impressed with the fashionable blue colour of the corrupted rogues here. Something strikes me. The Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye (what a name for a group of archers) was never that popular but the number of corrupted rogues seems literally endless. Could it be that Andariel is better at marketing her competing sisterhhod? Could it be the diversity of uniforms and weapons available? I also found a rogue chieftain with a very nice aura. It was all blue and radiated icy cold and chilled and slowed everyone around. I want aura! I want aura!



I also visited the famous pit. It was filled with bone warriors and more corrupted rogues. I have heard that the pit is great for finding valuable and powerful items but I didn’t see any of those.

Maltatai: That’s a bit of an overstatement. The pit, hrrm, needs to mature for a time. Like a bottle of wine. Then it can be raided for high level items.

Snövit: Another thing is that I would have expected a scary vampire boss or similar in the lower levels. I was greatly disappointed.

Maltatai: Why on earth would you expect that?

Snövit: Because of the name, of course. The Pit.

Maltatai: The Pit, not the Pitt! Pit as in hole, abyss, underground area, not Ingrid (may she rise from the dead to sink her teeth in more horror movies). While the game is filled with a number of hammer horrors (one is soon to appear) she does not appear I’m afraid.

Snövit: Booooo!

Maltatai: Which is just as well, I might add. Only a completely overbearingly chivalrous, despicably holier-than-thou and nauseatingly boring snob (also known as Paladin) could stand any chance of destroying her. If Mircalla/Carmilla/Marcilla Karnstein appeared in the game she would wield superpowers that controlled the mind of all female characters in no time.

Snövit: At not-so-long last we stood before that stupid girl school. I was appalled! This is not a school, it’s a freaking monastery!



Those silly harpies will turn Blaise into a nun! Over my dead Saturday nights! Raagh!

I stormed the place to find it...totally empty. It was very strange and suspicious. I even activated a waypoint in the courtyard but still no sign of anyone. Well, these places are boring, but this was getting ridiculous. Finally we found some devilkin receptionists in the monastery barracks. They explained that the business had been taken over by Andariel.

Maltatai: You mean they started to attack you and shoot fireballs at you?

Snövit: Yes, like I said. Aren’t you paying attention? I was very happy that Blaise would be unable to attend any classes here, except for Advanced Archery Grade 4. In the deepest recesses of the barracks I found a most hideous character. It was truly a hammer horror. He spoke with a loud voice that is one of the most frightening things to experience when you are new to Diablo II. Mr Smith!

Maltatai: It’s actually “The Smith”.



Snövit: Are you sure?

Maltatai: Yes. So you called him Mr Smith. How did he take it?

Snövit: Pretty angrily. H seemed to think it was insulting to be called Mr Smith. I don’t know why, it is a very common name in many English-speaking countries.

Maltatai: I think he was referring to the movie called Mr and Mrs Smith – utter crap that has spawned from the dark side of film industry. Actually, it includes the dark side of acting Pitts too. Wait a little, the Smith is of course Mr Smith. Who is Mrs Smith? Oh, it must be Andariel, hahaha! Or maybe Blood Raven?

Snövit: I’m sure the readers are very interested in your personal preferences of film that you so subtly (NOT!) hide in shallow jokes... We explored the monastery barracks and came upon the next shock.



This post was edited by Maltatai on Nov 9 2016 03:54pm

First a monastery school and now this! What has Blaise done to deserve this? Going to jail! For what?!

Blaise: Maybe they want to throw you into jail?

Snövit: What!?

Maltatai: Or maybe it’s just a dungeon with a jail theme leading to the end of the act which you have to use in this one-way linear game.

Snövit: A jail that is bigger than the monastery itself. Either your sisterhood has an entire different aim than I thought or some demons have been very busy building this.

Maltatai: Why don’t you ask Blaise?

Blaise: I’ve never been down there. Until now, that is.

Snövit: That place was creepy. I found a waypoint and then took a long break. When I returned to the camp I had a VERY productive chat with Kashya and Akara and told them of my opinions of certain aspects of Rogue leadership. I also mentioned one or two anecdotes regarding target practise and Amazon customs and they have now agreed to leave Blaise and me alone to pursue our own interests.

In this jail we encountered the most disgusting and ugly of all super-uniques. I am of course talking about Pitspawn Fouldog! By this time I had gained a level and learned to shoot a simple cold arrow. While not so effective, it is my first snowy skill so I am at last both snowy and white. I tried it out for the first time on no other than Pitspawn Fouldog himself, who is cold enchanted and thus must have been extraordinarily humiliated by being chilled by my arrows.



Maltatai: Any good finds?

Snövit: No, but I got some topazes that may be useful later and charms of lightning and poison damage (note to self: remove before eating, otherwise fork becomes electrical and food tastes disgusting). Over and out.

Maltatai: I am supposed to say that!

Snövit: But I beat you to it. Haha! And now this episode is officially over so you can’t say it until the next one!

Maltatai: Where I am sure Rödluvan will be delighted to play the title role.

Snövit: You wouldn’t dare!

Maltatai: “dodges magic arrow”

Should use off-topic for that.

I would really recommed using Immolation arrow on Rödluvan. GL

"That" meaning... ? I hope you weren't about to suggest that I should use the off-topic rather than PvM subforum for a story about two single player characters and their gameplay story battling monsters...


I like immolation arrow a lot too. Rödluvan went with exploding ones, though, which suited her personality as will become apparent later. My main reason for the choice was that I thought immolation arrow would be too restricted by the cooldown, but since then the skill has really impressed when I tried it out with another character. Terrific against many undead, in my opinion.

This post was edited by Maltatai on Nov 12 2016 12:08pm

Episode 5. Andy

Maltatai: In an announcement of tremendous spoiling, we can now announce that Rödluvan and Snövit have finished Act 1 and are both on level 20 and on their way to travel east across the mountain pass.

Rödluvan: Great. Just great. Do you think anyone will keep reading on now?

Snövit: This would never happen if the position of narrator was subject to a bit of commercial competition.

Rödluvan: Or if it was assigned the most merited of public officials.

Maltatai: But luckily it isn't, so: How was the end of Act 1?

Rödluvan: End of it!? You left when I had just rescued Cain and you dare ask me about the end of the act!? I have half of it left to tell about!

Maltatai: Allright, allright, the word goes to Rödluvan. Please tell us all about the exciting travels in the later part of the act.

Rödluvan: Following the discovery of the Black Marsh I took a trip to the tower. The Countess was a better countess than hostess, for she only gave me a Nef rune. How useless! At least this early in the game... I went back to the rogue camp and read up on obscure laws of taxation. I found an interesting entry that read "If the tax master should decide to re-enter the game at any time in the future, he or she may impose additional taxes on the population in proportion to the times the game is replayed". Thereby, I could raid the tower for even more revenue! I found some useless runes but then I also found three Ral runes! Snövit, you were saying something? Unfortunately I could not equip the Hunters Bow Of Flaming Horror until very late in the act due to the silly level requirement.

I actually found a secret cow level at one point. I think. But it was rather small. And not so dangerous.



Maltatai: According to some complaints I received from the rogue camp, you became unbearably arrogant for much of the later half of the act. Perhaps that had something to do with you wearing two triumphant rings?

Rödluvan: Of course not, they are just jealous of my supreme fire arrows.

Maltatai: Which were not so supreme yet since you didn't have the Ral:ed bow.

Rödluvan: If you keep these interruptions coming I will never finish the story! Be quiet! At level 17 I could use the nice stealthy armour I had created by decorating a suit of quilted armour with two runes. Together with a pair of gambled boots it allowed me to run over 30 % faster than Snövit!

I was then very happy to slay everyone in the Tamoe Highland (except me and Floria) and the Pit - blue corrupted rogues and white skeletons. The incarnation of evil!

Snövit: I heard that!

Rödluvan: Good. I have increased my vitality to 65 by doing lots of exercise. For example, sprinting across monastery garden through enemy packs:



I have also become an expert at the noble sport of barrel-kicking!



I’m pretty, kicking and good, and also pretty good at kicking. Maybe I should dual-class and become an assassin too?

Maltatai: You can’t dual-class in Diablo II. This isn’t Baldurs Gate II.

Rödluvan: “shouts curse”

Maltatai: “saving throw versus spell”

This post was edited by Maltatai on Nov 12 2016 12:18pm

Rödluvan: In the monastery I met some very enterprising smith. He was going to make weapons of my bones he said, but I informed him that I did not consent. With a flaming arrow. Or maybe a dozen. The rest of the monastery establishment didn’t like that so they threw me into jail. Alas, what oppression the red minority groups must endure!

Maltatai: I thought you went to jail freely because it is the only way to reach the inner cloister?

Rödluvan: No, it was their fault. The establishment. And the huge companies, like Snövit.

Snövit: I beg you pardon?

Rödluvan: I have heard you talking to the rogues. You run a great and widespread business that owns the very minds of theirs.

Snövit: I was telling them to mind their own business, not that my business owns their minds!

Rödluvan: Er, aha... That seemed much more plausible. I lighted up the jail with my flaming projectiles and after a while finished my project of getting out on the other side. What kind of morons builds an inner cloister with no means of accessing it except through a set of dungeons?

Maltatai: They’re called the sisterhood of the sightless eye. You have met them. Even hired two. Now to the big question: How was Andariel?

Snövit: Big and smelly. Not to say stinking. Her breath...the very air seemed poisonous. My arrows hit well but it took ages to bring her down.

Rödluvan: My arrows were more effective. Once I get some kind of tank and adequate protection for my nose I will probably raid her again.

Maltatai: I also believe congratulations are in order. You both managed to best her without losing your rogue at all. In fact, you have completed act 1 without any casualties. Well done!

Rödluvan: What am I hearing? Compliments from that fool?

Snövit: I must have gotten something in my ear. Maybe the confusion curse.

Maltatai: Now, I am actually quite polite sometimes. Do you have any questions about act 1 by the way?

Snövit: Yes. What kind of cathedral is that really?

Maltatai: I am not sure, but I think it is a prototype for the French Notre Dame, famous for its gargoyle sculptures. And the rogue cathedral has some gargoyle traps as you know. What do you think of Act 2?



Rödluvan: Very warm but luckily I have gambled a circlet with cold damage so I can keep my head cool.

Snövit: I look forward to melting the minions of undead resurrecters.

Blaise and Floria: But we don’t! We want to stay here in the western kingdoms, with the other rogues.

Snövit and Rödluvan: Allright, allright, we’ll hire some more desert-like mercenaries. Take care of yourselves, little rogues.

Maltatai: Desert-like mercenaries...Would that be deserters perhaps? Find out in the next update. Over and out.

This post was edited by Maltatai on Nov 12 2016 12:14pm

Episode 6. Sand And More Sand

Maltatai: After a long and tiresome journey with Warriws caravan the two “good” friends arrived at the small town of Lut Gholein. The town was poor and built of rickety mud bricks and wood. It had a small wall around but no gates but still no enemies could get through the opening for some strange and probably stupid reason. Despite being so poor, the town was dominated by a huge palace of white and red stone. It was easy to see where the wealth from any trade had been invested....

The palace was owned by the young brat called Jerhyn. He was a complete fool and meekly ruler who would not even have dared to tell his subjects about a demon invasion in his own cellar for fear of losing their confidence. Having the news leak out would of course be so much better for their opinion of him...

The town still held out against the demons besieging it, thanks to the mercenaries of Ghreiz whose loyalty to their former masters and affinity with the desert had earned them the nickname “the deserters”. For some funny reason the demons allowed Warriws caravan to pass through on its journey eastward, but maybe the protagonists shot down all attackers on their way to Act II. Rödluvan and Snövit immediately consulted Ghreiz upon arriving in Lu Gholein.

Snövit: I hired the defiant Kasim, with a shining blue aura that makes him an excellent defender.

Rödluvan: I hired Waheed the offensive, with an excellent red aura that made us both hit very well.

Maltatai: Did any of you need those aura effects or was it just for the colour that you choose the respective mercenaries?

Rödluvan: The colour of course.

Snövit: Yes, naturally.

Maltatai: Lut Gholein’s social life, for those who haven’t been there, is dominated by Atma’s tavern. She and Elzix have made a complete market division between themselves and now have full monopoly on the tavern business of the town. They seem to be subject to neither public control nor commercial competition.

Rödluvan: Aren’t you exaggerating a bit now? This is just a small town, everyone knows everything about everyone so public control exists anyway.

Snövit: And I doubt it is a very good idea to start a competing tavern since the only free space is outside the walls.

Maltatai: “snort” You only overlook it because Atma gave you free cookies after slaying the greater mummy Radament for her. She only does that to make people thirsty so they will buy more of her drinks, by the way, but I hear she was worried about your pets infesting the place. Can you explain that?

Rödluvan: We found some funny beetles in Lut Gholein. They were really cool. I had four of them following me to my stash after I gave them sugar from Atmas cookies. I named them John, Paul , George and Ringo.



Snövit: You’re wrong, they followed ME!

Rödluvan: They didn’t!

Snövit: They did!

Rödluvan: Didn’t!

Snövit: Did!

Maltatai: Come on, aren’t you a bit too old to quarrel about the beetles? That seems kind of outdated. You are after all over 20 levels old, can’t you share the company of the beetles?

Rödluvan: With...her? Never! The noble Amazon community will rather go down than consort with the foul marketing capitalist powers!

Snövit: As if I would dream of cooperating with the oppressive forces of freedom-restricting bureaucracies! Over my liquidated company!

Maltatai: Don’t talk more about liquid, this desert is hot enough as it is.

Snövit: Look who’s talking – the lazy bum who just sits on his chair playing while WE, I mean I, have to do the job of running back and forth and shooting in this overgrown beach. Speaking of beaches, why doesn’t Lut Gholein have a beach? They only have that rotting dock. Think what income from tourism a nice long beach could generate!

Rödluvan: Think of the tax revenue!

Snövit: Shut up!

Rödluvan: You shut up, you tax-dodging embezzler!

Maltatai: It seems like we are a bit overheated by the sun here. Why don’t you continue the story of the progress through the act and amaze the world with how you bested the most beastly beasts?

Snövit: Cain sent me out on a random quest to collect to halves of a Horadric Staff that was the key to finding and entering Tal Rashas chamber. Apparently Tyrael and Marius and Diablo and Duriel had no trouble doing so without the staff... Don’t ask me about the logic here... One half was hidden among slimy maggots under the ground and another in a dusty temple filled with serpent-themed creatures. The god thing with the mission was finding the Horadric Cube where you can put extra stuff. Another good thing is that if you put drinks in the cube, they will stay cold and fresh forever until you take them out again.

I have heard that some people wonder how I fared against the scarabs, this ominous plague of act 2. They were actually...not very hard. Slow missiles caused most of their bolts to fade away before they reached me and Kasim blocked many as well. Since I had some mana leaching and free arrows I could more or less spam slow missiles when necessary.

After the religiously oppressing the claw vipers and their tainted sun cult I learned that Jerhyn had apparently lost control of not only the town but even his own palace. He is such a lousy idiot and moron and really just a usurper on the throne. Aaaah, well, I suppose I had to help him as wellso I headed down through his harem (which is larger than the rest of his house – that should tell you something about his character) and his cellar which is about twice as big as the whole town. At the bottom there was a large strange portal leading to the strangest place I had ever seen. It was made of white stone or something, built as four large squares with bridges leading to the middle where a waypoint was situated.

I saw the most peculiar things here. There was an odd collection of monsters that seemed more suited to act 1 – goatmen, ghosts and ghoul lords. The ghosts were yellowish spectres. They didn’t appreciate my joke about them being the spirits of people addicted to lemon juice because they all went sour and started to attack me.

In one corner of this Arcane Sanctuary there was a stair that literally felt like the end of the world. I stood there for a long time and looked out among the stars. There was only the occasional scepter passing by and attacking that disturbed the peace.

Maltatai: You mean specter?

Snövit: No, there were some scepters as well. Look:



Maltatai: I have heard about the flying scimitars but this... This must be the work of some evil paladin.

This post was edited by Maltatai on Nov 12 2016 12:22pm

Snövit: Kasim had once studied astronomy, until Drognan threw him out after an unfortunate misunderstanding about the proper placement of spears in libraries. Kasim told of a special constellation of stars that is sometimes visible here. It was said to form some sort of message and some nights one could see golden shapes passing by far away in the sky. Here in the Arcane Sanctuary we saw both the stars and the shapes very clearly - below. They were some sort of vessels, golden yellow as the finest of Amazon armour.



Later on we ran into the enemy chieftain with the stupidest name I have yet to see.



Aaargh! I mean, “Bone Drinker”. Drinking bones? Bones are not liquid, you can’t drink bones. Even meaningless nonsense like “Blade Touch the Axe” or “Ash Wound the Slayer” is better than this.

At the end of this place in one direction was some kind of artist’s studio where a summoning guy tried to summon his strength and courage to defend his collection of runes marking the false tombs of Tal Rasha. Why on earth didn’t he just make one sign, depicting the sign of the true tomb? The summoners efforts were futile because I shot him down together with his minions from afar, using the Amazon radar.

Maltatai: You mean sweeping the area with magic arrows until the life/mana leach graphics tell you that you’ve hit something?

Snövit: Yes, that’s what I said. You’ve got to pay attention!

Maltatai: Blah, blah... Ehrrrm, Rödluvan, how was your journey through act 2?

This post was edited by Maltatai on Nov 12 2016 12:24pm