not sure y other one got closed but i think saintans in lead with his real life story, i think caus ive done similar in parra myself lol

100 fg for joke or story that makes me wet myself closing prolly just after new year

probably closed cause its the wrong section. not sure on this one

So its christmas.. and my brother whos 14 has had about.. 8 shots.. To cut the story short ~my cousin broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years and she was talking about going to this guy she likes house(you know what for)~ So my brother being out of controll
falls and hits his head on the floor and goes "Tash your a fire crotch"

ehhh that was funny lolz

What happens when a Jew walks into a wall with a full erection?


He breaks his nose.

A ventriloquist was visiting an indian reservation and decided to have a little fun with the cheif.

"hey, there," he said. "i bet i can make your horse talk."

"horse no talk," said the chief

"we'll see," said the ventiloquist. he turned to the horse and aasked, "so how does your master treat you?"

"pretty well," said the horse. "he gives me plenty of oats, and he lets me run all over."

"I bet i can make the dog talk, too," said the ventriloquist.

"dog no talk," said the chief.

"how about you?'' the ventriloquist asked the dog. "is he good to you to?"

"yup," said the dog. "we play fetch."

"let's see what the sheep has to say," said the ventriloquist.

"Wait!" yelled the chief. "Sheep lie! Sheep lie!"[U][/U]

Here is another.

doctor, doctor, please kiss me, "said the the patient.

"no, i'm sorry. that would be against the code of ethics," replied the dotor.

Ten minutes later the patient said, "doctor, please. kiss me just once."

"'no, i'm sorry. it would be inappropriate," he said.

five minutes later, she asked again, "please please kiss me!"

"Look," said the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

bump, since i want others to read my 2 badass jokes

These are from last post just updating them to here enjoy =)

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed......... ....... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

Another 1 also

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."

Let me know if i win =)

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Sanders, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Desmond. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Sanders, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Cristofaro, since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."