leave ur best joke, or story will close early new year

Merry Xmas all!

lol looking for some materiel for when relatives come over? merry christmass to you too ^ ^

I stole this from elsewere but enjoy

It was my first time having sex so I was a bit nervous.

I slip on my condom and start working my way.
It turns out there was some air in the condom and due to the pressure it exploded in her vagina!

Imagine it like this:

Oooh!
Aaah!
Eeeh!
*moan*
I'm coming!!
Ugh!
BANG!!!!

God that was embarrassing, I thought I had blown my penis into bits!!

cant it be a video?

We used to have a lot of "mobiles", every where we went and everything we done we were smokeing cones.

Craig was a decent mate, a fellow biker though only rode an RGV 250, well he got us in the habbit of putting "tissue paper" over the top of the bong to absorb some of the tar. We thought this was healthier for us so probably increased dope consumption as part of our healthier new life style.

T'was a nice day and we decided to go for a drive down the beach and all piled into my car, we'de take a roll of toilette paper in place of the tissues for the bong when we were out driveing. just pull of a line of squres from the roll, fold and place over the top of the bong.

Sitting at a set of traffic lights in Parramatta, it was my cone so I look around quickly to make sure it's clear enough and proceed to light my cone. Dunno where the fuk that police car came from but he pulled up beside us.

My 1st action is to put the bong between my legs and hold back so I'm not blowing bong dope smoke at the coppers. Unfortunately I don't shave as often as I should and I was left with a roll of toilette paper hanging of my 3 day growth.

So I'm sitting there looking at the coppers with toilette paper hanging of my face with a good lung full of pot, mates nearly falling to the floor laughing. And the coppers are just looking at me like "wtf is he doing?"

Lights turned green, they turned right sand I drove off "shit-faced"

have a good one fellas.

aiight here are a few of my favorites *let me know if im in the lead and please pm me when i am not, i will get funnier ones if i have to *

The facts of life

There was a little boy who walked onto a public bus . The little
boy started raving on and on about the facts of life to the bus
driver .
He said "if my daddy were a bull and my mommy were a cow I'd be
a little bull . If my daddy was a monkey and my mommy was a
monkey I'd be a little monkey .If my daddy were a fish and my
mommy were a ..." when all of the sudden the bus driver got so
angered that he pulled the bus off the road and said to the boy
" what if your mommy was a prostatute and your daddy was
gay".The boy thinks for a momment and then states in a cute
little voice "I'd be a bus driver".

Mommy almost died

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles'
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg
and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.
However, two days later when her father came home from work,
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this
morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would
definitely have gone, Daddy".


Top 10 reasons why it sucks to be a dick
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.


Ashamed of its size...
A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size. He has an
extremely small penis and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she
sees the size.

One night when him and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he
decides he will show her. The man unzips his pants, whips out his small
dick, and shoves it into her hand. He sits there impatiently waiting to
see her reaction.

His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering, but I don't smoke."

Use more soap
A woman sends her clothing out to the local laundry. When it
comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week
she encloses a note to the laundryman that says, "Use more soap
on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note
to the laundry, "Use more soap on panties."

Finally fed up, the laundry man responded with his own note that
said, "Use more paper on ass."

This post was edited by mooselet on Dec 22 2006 10:52pm

heres an old one, but very funny

i got new car radio the other day, its pretty cool. you shout soul and it plays soul, you shout rock and it plays rock. the other day some kids ran past my car and i yelled "FUCKING KIDS" and it played michael jackson.

heres one for the kidlets at your christmas party

Lil Mary went to school last week and in class her teacher had a question for them all.

A chicken at the farm was screaming from the top of its lungs the sky is falling the sky is falling!!!

what did the farmer say?

Lil Mary shot her hand up super fast almost falling off the chair

the teacher said yes Mary whats the answer

"Simple" lil Mary said "the farmer said holy F#@! a talking chicken"

haha take it easy mate

Business and fishing
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

when are we going fishing and drinking mate schollies is over now

Safe to swim here?
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

This post was edited by RipCord on Dec 22 2006 11:00pm

This is one I read freaken funny lol

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed......... ....... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

Here another funny 1 I read a while ago

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."