Make her happy.

(note the full stop)


In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
xpects--

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car................... +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb... +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am
just as the truck pulls away.................................. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................ +1
You leave dishes in the sink..................................... -1
You leave them under the bed..................................... -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings.................................................... +5
But return with beer............................................. -5
You leave the toilet seat up..................................... -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................ 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...... -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to
the next bathroom............................................. -2
You make the bed................................................. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night........................ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................ 0
check out a suspicious noise and it's something.............. +5
You pummel it with a six iron.................................... +10
It's her father.................................................. -10


Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party............................ 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy........................................ -2
Named Tiffany.................................................... -4
Tiffany is a dancer.............................................. -6
Tiffany has implants............................................. -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old' ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump........................................ -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you"......................................... +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy
in bed"....................................................... -6
That woman is her sister......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that's it................................ 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle..... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted... -18


Things Of A Disgusting Nature
-----------------------------
You unclog a stopped-up toilet................................... +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit............................. +7
You get rid of a dead rodent..................................... +8
remove the collie from the thresher.............................. +12
You take her mother to see Cats.................................. +16


Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together...................................... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
park the car.................................................. +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar............................................... -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it.. +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional. 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............ +3
Most of it chips and beer........................................ -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den... +15
Or refinishing the floors........................................ +16
Or rewiring the basement......................................... +17
Or adding a second floor......................................... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket..... -6
And you're tickled pink about it................................. -15
You visit her parents............................................ +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation............. +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television....... -3
And the television is off........................................ -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your
underwear..................................................... -6
And you didn't even go to college................................ -10
And it's not your underwear...................................... -15


Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner........................................ 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team...................... -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing....................................................... +4
And you stink..................................................... +2
And you're not half bad........................................... +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out
to much applause............................................... -2
You give her a gift............................................... 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10
With her credit card.............................................. -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40


Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely................................ -10
You forget your anniversary....................................... -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50


A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal................................................. -5
And the pal is happily married.................................... -4
Or frighteningly single........................................... -7
And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15
You have a few beers.............................................. -9
And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12
You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30
And not wearing any pants......................................... -40
Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200


Her Night Out
-------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends..................................................... +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home
late.......................................................... +10
You wait up...................................................... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom....................... +25
Which you clean up................................................ +35


A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together............................................. 0
You rent a movie.................................................. +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..................... +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............ +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep...................... -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............ -2


A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie........................................... +2
You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)... +6
You take her to a movie you like.................................. -2
It's called DeathCop 3............................................ -7
Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs...................................................... -15


Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................ 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10
And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25


Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts............................................... -5


Grooming
--------
You trim your nails............................................... +5
You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
You shave on the weekends......................................... +2
You don't shave on the weekends................................... -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either............................ -8
But then, neither does she........................................ +8


Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5
Something she can't use........................................... -10
Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20
And your kid needs braces......................................... -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120


Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal.................................................. -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt................. -60


The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................ -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25

(A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble
something like, "I Love You, honey...")


Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression............................ 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes........... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10

The night before XXXmas

If this doesn't cure you of seasonal warm fuzzy feelings, you're a goner.

Twas the night befor Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

THE RAVIN'

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing
spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
>From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"


With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as
hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

If the Beatles were Programmers


Eleanor Rigby
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?


All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?


Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...


All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?


Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.


All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?


Unix Man (nowhere man)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody.


Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?


UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.


He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody.


Write in C (let it be)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."


As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."


Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.


I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.


If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.


Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.


Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.