Something to ponder...
IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you
should be: stretched out on the couch in front of the television, just
about to watch all your favourite TV programmes that you've recorded
over the last few weeks. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the
knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing
could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly
your girlfriend enters the room and says, "What exactly do you think
you're doing?"
Is this a trick question or what?
Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will
immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest home improvement
centre, where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide
the type of curtain rod that's right for you.
How does this work?
It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with
anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no
right answer. Here's a common example.
Do I look fat?
There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes."
"No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't
matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means
yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather go to the dentist than field this
one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice
is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any
subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not
simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are
worse.
There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and
several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of
these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is
unlikely to pay off.
Consult this handy chart:
JUST SAY NO
Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasize about her?
Are you tired of me?
JUST SAY YES
Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasize about me?
Do you like my hair this way?
Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or
no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:
Which shoes look better?
Typically you're already late for dinner when your girlfriend confronts
you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no
ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice
that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, "Whichever, you old
trout!" If you pick the shoes she already has on, she'll think you're
trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she'll think it's
because you know you can't pick the ones she has on. Some men try a
nonlinear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of shoes, but
this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgment or an
opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another
dress. You might as well say, "You're fat." This raises the question of
why she's asking you at all. She knows you don't know which shoes look
better, and she knows you don't care, so why is she trying to elicit
your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As
part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about
alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a
disdainful and dismissive "beats me" should do the trick, but don't try
that with the shoe dilemma, or you'll miss your reservation. Instead,
suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones
look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you
don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better
after all.
Where do you see this relationship going?
This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not
going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or
"upstairs" or "I dunno." Another problem is that you and your girlfriend
are operating at cross purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression
of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and
you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a
toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of
precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a
category unto themselves, i.e., Questions that should be answered with
another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading
inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive
interrogation.
Her: Where do you see this relationship going?
You: Where do *you* see this relationship going?
Her: Do you think she's attractive?
You: Who?
Her: Will you marry me?
You: Where am I?
Her: What if I were pregnant?
You: Are you pregnant?
Her: Why? Do I look fat?
Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that
coming. Try a more surreal approach:
Her: What if I were pregnant?
You: What if *we* were pregnant? .... (Cool, huh?)
Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you
ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love got
to do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period?
is not one of these.) Let's try a math question. How many people have
you slept with? Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the
truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more
or less expecting. Like most arithmetic problems, the answer is a lot
easier once you have a formula. This one should work as long as neither
of you has sex for a living.
Number of people she's slept with + Number of people she knows you've
slept with + Number of people you actually have slept with.
Add these up and divide by 2. If you round up to the nearest whole
person, you should end up with a realistically healthy but not
particularly shocking number. If the result is greater than 12, then
_say_ 12.
Why don't you lighten up?
This rhetorical gem is used whenever you express your disapproval of
shoplifting or speeding, or whenever you go to a nightclub and spend the
whole time dancing to some unbelievable crap you've never heard and
_then_ go out and _buy_ it! There is no good answer to this question.
You could draw attention to her inconsistency in this matter, noting
that she doesn't like it when you act like a kid or when you act like
your _dad_ (God forbid); then again, if you do that, she's liable to see
your point and break up with you. Speaking of breaking up, how about
this one?
Are you saying you want to end it?
Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already
know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what
they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when a
woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even if
you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question back on
her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you are
trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the whole
painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her, then
it's best to change the subject. Let's try something easier.
Notice anything different about me?
Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others:
"Have you forgotten what today is?" and "Have you been listening to a
word I've said?" Apart from being questions that are easier to answer
wrong than right, they're the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They
are best treated in an ironic postmodern context, i.e., just say what
Ward Cleaver would say.
Her: Notice anything different about me?
You: New apron? ... (Ouch!)
Her: Have you forgotten what today is?
You: Of course not. It's Thursday.
Her: Have you been listening to a word I've said?
You: That's nice, dear...
Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she
wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better
questions. Questions such as:
Have you taken a look at yourself lately? This question and its cousin,
the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?" are ways of
gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original
decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if
you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably
brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt
is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't
have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You're not really supposed
to answer either of these questions. You're just supposed to apologise
for your wanton self-esteem-having. Instead of apologizing, just smile.
Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind
of revenge all by themselves. Next!
Do you believe in fidelity?
Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue,
this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about
fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on
a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be
coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:
YOU SAY - Yes
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - He's hiding something.
YOU SAY - It depends
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - I knew it!
YOU SAY - Why do you ask
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - Bastard!
YOU SAY - I dunno. Do you?
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - How much does he know?
There are several more variations, but they're not worth going into. By
the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep trouble. It
doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush when you
answer.
Let's look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying.
What are you looking at?
She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you thought
you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting
your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We
all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you've found
somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this question
with a cunning lie, but when men are caught offguard, their ability to
deceive is impaired.
Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked,
"What are you looking at?"
Too specific: The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of
that mailbox on the northwest corner." Not specific enough: "That
thing." Too good to be true: "A diamond necklace in that window back
there that would be perfect on you." Too true to be good: "A see
through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you."
Too obvious: "Nothing." Way too obvious: "That blonde babe over there
with the big...I mean nothing." Here's one that requires a little
interpretation.
What are we going to do now?
This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly
unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the
mysterious "we" in the middle. This means two things: In one sense,
"we" clearly means "you," as in, "What are you going to do now," but
there is also a sense of "we're in this together," implying that you
bear equal responsibility for the fact that she's just dropped her keys
down a grate, or that she stores her jack and spare tire in her garage
so they won't get stolen.
In such situations you'll probably find that the only answer to "What
are we going to do now?" that you can think of is "We are going to break
up. Goodbye." Most likely you'll decide not to say anything. After which
she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised:
Why don't you say something?
Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question
that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your Fifth
Amendment rights, pretend you didn't hear, run away, whatever, but don't
say anything when she asks:
Should I get all of my hair cut off?
If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and
let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she
will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely
nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all
her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:
"Does it make me look fat!!?"
.....You're on your own.....