IT'S ALL IN THE INTERPRETATION


WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and
psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled
in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.


THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can
watch and get really turned on.

CLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising
to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot
babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for
a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

FLATUENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression
and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2
minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're
cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has
gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Drinks as personality pointers

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks (and how you approach them if you're interested in them). Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Girl Drinks

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years... Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.


Guy Drinks

Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.

White Zin: He's gay.

Words Women Use
Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so it's an even trade.

Nothing

This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'

Go Ahead

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Go Ahead (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (Neutral Expression)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

Soft Sigh

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

Please Do

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

Thanks

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

Thanks A Lot

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Why beer is better than women
1. you can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. beer stains wash out.
3. you dont have to wine and dine a beer.
4. your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car, while you have another beer
5. when your beer goes flat you toss it.
6. beer is never late.
7. a beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. hangovers go away.
9. beer labels come off without a fight.
10. when you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. beer never has a headache.
12. after you have a beer the bottle is still worth ten cents.
13. a beer wont get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.
14. if you pour a beer right you always get good head.
15. you can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty
16. a beer always goes down easy.
17. you can share a beer with your friends.
18. you always know your the first one to pop a beer.
19. a beer is always wet.
20. a beer dosent demand equality.
21. you can have a beer in public.
22. a beer dosent care when you come.
23. a cold beer is a good beer.
24. you dont have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

What Women Want in a Man
What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)

Handsome
Charming
Financially successful
A caring listener
Witty
In good shape
Dresses with style
Appreciates finer things
Full of thoughtful surprises
An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

Nice looking--prefer hair on his head
Opens car doors, holds chairs
Has enough money for a nice dinner
Listens more than talks
Laughs at my jokes
Carries bags of groceries with ease
Owns at least one tie
Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
Remembers anniversaries
Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

Not too ugly--bald head OK
Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
Works steady--splurges on dinner at Denny's on occasion
Nods head when I'm talking
Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
Remembers to put the toilet seat down
Shaves on most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
Doesn't belch or scratch in public
Doesn't borrow money too often
Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
Appreciates a good TV dinner
Remembers your name on occasion
Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

Doesn't scare small children
Remembers where bathroom is
Doesn't require much money for upkeep
Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
Remembers why he's laughing
Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
Usually wears some clothes
Likes soft foods
Remembers where he left his teeth
Remembers that it is a weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

Breathing