Giving Pills to Pets
How to give a cat a pill

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

Wrap it in bacon.

This post was edited by ArchAngels on Jan 30 2010 11:56pm

Why Dogs Are Better Than Cats
Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
Cats look silly on a leash.
When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

Why dogs are better than children
1. Puppies are cheaper than babies.

The going price for babies on the Internet is as much as US$15,000, according to this CNN story. Unicef reckons that the international trade in human babies is worth as much as US$25 million a year, with some parents prepared to pay as much as US$20,000 to secure a choice specimen of babyhood.

Puppies can be had for free from your local pound. Even if you want to buy a purebred puppy from a reputable breeder, you'll probably pay no more than a few hundred bucks.

2. With babies, you don't have a choice of breeds or bloodlines.

One of the most fun things about choosing a dog is that you get to choose between hundreds of breeds, each with its own physical characteristics and temperament. If you want a baby that's not the exact same breed as you are, the best you can do is crossbreed and make a mongrel in the process.

Similarly, with babies you're stuck with the questionable contents of your own gene pool. Any registered dog breeder can provide you with comprehensive, verifiable information about your puppy's family history. You may be a bitser but your dog doesn't have to be.

3. Getting a puppy won't give you stretch marks.

Women: you don't have to kiss your youthful figure goodbye just because you need to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet around your home (extra bonus: you get twice as many tiny feet). You also won't have to endure morning sickness, midnight cravings, post-natal depression or hours of painful labour. You will not visibly lactate every time a dog barks in your neighbourhood, either.

4. Puppies can be housetrained.

You will never have to change your puppy's nappies. With careful housetraining, an eight-week-old puppy can be taught to go out back in a week. True, they'll never learn to use the toilet, but imagine how easy parenthood would be if human babies could be taught to crawl through a flap in the door and shit in the yard?

5. You don't have to put your puppy through university.

You also don't have to buy a puppy the latest clothes, music, or video games. Apart from a little obedience training, there are few educational costs associated with dog ownership. Your puppy will never ask to borrow the keys to your car, and will never call you in the middle of the night to tell you they've wrecked it. A puppy will not insist on playing heavy metal music at an ear-shattering volume in your house, nor spend it's entire adolescence on the telephone while you are expecting an important call.

After a lifetime of gently introducing puppy to progressive ideas and paying for a university education, a puppy will not repay you by joining the Liberal Party and becoming a real-estate agent.

6. It's permitted - indeed encouraged - to render your puppy sterile at an early age.

Parents of teenage children will immediately understand the attraction. Just imagine how easily you'd sleep tonight would be if young Jason or Britney had had their gonads removed when they were six months old.

You can also have your puppy microchipped, and force it to wear a collar tag listing its name, address and your phone number, so that it can be immediately returned to you should it stray.

7. Dogs live twelve, fifteen years at most.

Which, when you think about it, is about the point at which most parents begin to really regret having kids. Even if you grow tired of little Rover, there's no shame in putting him up for adoption after a few years trial run. Children, however, tend to harbour grievances against their parents if they do this.

Chances are, you will outlive your dog. You will get to see it grow from a gangly puppy into a responsible, protective adult, you will nurse it through its senescence and it will pass away loving you as much as it did the day you brought it home. You don't get this kind of closure with kids.

8. You can have sex in front of your dogs without scarring them for life.

You can also get drunk and take drugs while they're around, forget to feed them every now and again, let them go months at a time without a bath, tie them up in the street while you go shopping, and leave them alone and unsupervised from an early age ... all without attracting the attention of the social services. Dogs won't discuss intimate details of your life with other dogs, and even if they do the other dogs won't be able to tell their humans what a pig you are.

9. It's OK to call your dog 'bitch'. Which is better than having your human children do it to you.

Your dog will never call you names, resent that you don't make as much money as their friends' parents, or put you in a retirement home. Your dog will accept discipline when you give it, and will learn from its mistakes.

Puppies have long memories when it comes to important things, like: it's not OK to go through the garbage, no matter how good it smells; but very short memories for unimportant things like: I was just going through the garbage and that bitch/bastard yelled at me. Human children are the exact reverse.

The Talking Dog
A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton UK: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten quid."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

where u finding all this???

Cat Resolutions
I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth, especially when my human's grandmother is over.
My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.
I will not leap into my human's chair which she has temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the bum when she sits back down.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially in front of company.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so my humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur. )
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two pinkish-brown things sticking up out of the bubbles in her chest region are NOT to be played with!
I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
I will not drag dirty socks up from the hamper in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Bengal LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill."
I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
I will not intrude on my human's candlelit bubble bath and singe my butt off.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite own on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to have my human open every door so I can check.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will cease my obsession with the box my humans keep their condoms in This box is not for me. I will not knock it on the ground, I will not sit on it, I will not try to scratch it open. Especially when my humans are using the condoms.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.
I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
I will not put a live vole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!", "BITER!!!", and "GET HELP!!!!!"
I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal relationship between going dumpster diving on Sunday afternoon and projectile vomiting Monday, and being brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick Things Up My Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't done the first, none of the other things would have happened.
I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom.
I will not bat at my male human's family jewels while he is engaged in the act of mating with my female human, no matter how tempting the danglies are. My humans get mad and I might get free flying lessons.
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his traces.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

This post was edited by ArchAngels on Jan 30 2010 11:54pm

How To Bathe A Cat

Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of intelligence (hopefully). Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield wisely. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

BAH stupid website bs ...

This post was edited by ArchAngels on Jan 31 2010 12:10am

The Cup Holder

From the "And you thought this was an urban myth" department: True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp.

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes it is, how may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is borken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, its attached to the front of my PC."

Tech: "Please excuse me if i seem to be a bit stumped, it's because i am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional, it just has '4X' on it."

At this point the tech had to mute the caller, be cause he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the loader drawer for the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.