Quote (mark108 @ Wed, Jul 29 2009, 02:57pm)
how ter take a shower at yer friends house
What to do when:
-+ When you need to take the shower, always ask your host to show you how to "make the water come out the top thing" and to start it off on hot. This prevents you falling into the hallway naked with 2nd degree burns.
-+Survey your containment. If the shower has a door, make sure to close it, and when you come back out close it again. Don’t leave it open to drip. If it is a curtain you are free to point the shower head over the top of the curtain and flood the house. Maybe the insurence company will buy them a real shower.
-+When you first pick up the soap bar, hold it out at arms length and scrub your hosts’ dead skin, pubes, shlt, zit pus, and faith off for about 20 seconds. You can always request a fresh bar but it will make you seem like a dlckhead. If there are 2 bars of soap for whatever reason, pick the one that smells the best to you.
-+While soaping yourself, do not treat it like your own soap. Lather your hands, then use your hands to scrub the grime off that husk of a body you have.
-+Treat the soap like it is your hosts’ hand. Or in some cases, don’t. If you drop the soap and one of the corners gets deformed, you are a bad guest and will not be had over again.
-+If there is a laffua in the shower, you must treat it with the golden rule: don’t luffua where you hope your host doesn’t luffua.) If there are multiple luffuas, pick the cleanest one. No dual wielding.
-+Back brushes are off limits because: they may have been used on pets, or may just be a new form of toilet brush. Your back can hold onto that dead skin long enough for you to use your own brush.
-+3 rules for using body washes and shampoos.
1-Stick them back where they were.
2-Do not use more than 50% of the bottle, not matter if its brand new or has almost nothing in it. Don’t feel ashamed to mix a little of all the bottles in your hands and wash yourself down. Everybody does it.
3-Watch where you plss. See below.
-+Since most people are animals, this happens more than you might want to believe. When you hit that hot water you remember you haven’t plssed since 4 years ago. This is a very important rule. If you plss in someone’s shower aim for the fvcking drain. Wash it down with some head and shoulders or something. Give yourself a scrub on the ankles and then go about your business. Do not under any circumstances allow your plss into soap or shampoo containers that may be open.
-+ You may start following these rules at any time during your shower. It isn’t like anyone is watching. Unless you have creepy friends.
-+If the shower has a shelf that is only held on with suction cups, you should not risk using anything on it. If it falls off not only does it sound like you broke your neck, your host may think you broke your neck while jacking off in there.
-+You are not allowed to make vocal sounds in the shower. This includes moaning, singing, talking to yourself, talking to the Laurell® fish shaped bottles, or crying. You are allowed to scream if blood pours out the shower head, or something is looking at you from inside the drain.
*If you a male, you may only use mans shaving cream. If you are a female, you can use mans shaving cream, but don’t wash it right off because you dont like the smell, you wasteful skank.
*If you have a stuffy nose you must snot rocket into your hand, and dispose of it. If the shower has curtains, you can snot rocket on those and ruin the stupid seashell..Dale Earnhart pattern.
*If your shower has Dale Earnhart curtains, and his giant sunglassed face is watching your wet, naked body, you are allowed to cry and curse the name of your host.
*If the shower also doubles as a bath, you may take a bath only if you can fill it up with the shower head, as your host has the right to shut off the water main if he hears you switch to the giant bath facet. If it does not double as a bath, you can stand on the drain and let the water go up to your ankles.
*When you are done, do a quick survey of the shower. Hose down the pubes off the walls, make sure you got all your piss down your drain, and leave less hair on the soap than when you started. You must dry all water on the bathroom floor, unless you had to pay for drinks..food the night before. This is negated if your host cooks food while in the shower. Feel free to double back. Tell them you forgot to hose your pubes, it sounds better than telling them you turned their bathroom into the planet Dagobah.
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