When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you
just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk
when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and
dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is
Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic
voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!'
and the phone was
slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's
correct number to call her, I found that I had
accidentally transposed the
last two digits.
After hanging up with
her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy
answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung
up. I wrote his
number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd
call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me
up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling
would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi,
this is John Smith from the telephone
company. I'm calling to see if you're
familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed
down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said, 'That's because you're an
asshole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to
pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and
pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled
that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a
'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A
couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number
on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,
too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said,
'Yes, it
is.' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I
live at
34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's
parked
right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you,
Don?' He said, 'I'm home every
evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had
a problem, I had two assholes to
call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1. He
said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I
didn't hang
up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.' He screamed,
'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?'
I
said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow rambler,
I have a
black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now,
Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah,
like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole
.2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole.' He yelled, 'If I ever find
out who you are...' I
said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your
ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying
that I lived at 34
Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over
there to kill my
gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the
gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd.
in Fairfax .
I quickly got
into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in
time to watch two
assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an
overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel
much better.
Anger management
works