I am about to write something very raw... and very real... that I experienced today. I ask you to be patient and read my story and then pray with me, for me, and for my new friend. I apologize if it isn't perfect in grammar or if it doesn't flow well.
I was first introduced to pornography in the 3rd grade. Over the next fourteen years an addiction followed. There have been numerous occasions where I felt convicted enough to stop - the longest time was around one month. Good friends came alongside me, and at one point I even confessed to my father and one of my sisters what was happening in my life, the sin and evil that was consuming me. I put software on my computer for prevention. I wept in prayer asking God for help. But all of these things could not clean the rot inside my soul. Some of my most depressive states have been when I was teaching at youth group against sexual immorality and lust (I'm a youth pastor). I was living proof of the destruction of this poison I was teaching my students about, but at my core I was just a pathetic hypocrite, empty of the Holy Spirit.
Today I was continuing with my typical thing... I was at home alone on my day off and was bored. I decided to check out a live pornographic webcam site I had seen before but never checked out. Porn pix and videos were getting old (14 years old for me), I wanted something new and exciting. So I created an account for this site, logged in and starting poking around trying to figure things out. I came across one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. She looked angelic. As I was watching I started looking at the things around her room and saw to the right of her shoulder a picture of Jesus hanging on the wall. I started talking with her... just about stuff. Then I asked her if she enjoys what she does. She looked perplexed for a second, then responded all chipper with a yes, that she enjoys it very much and it's the best job ever. I could see in her eyes that it wasn't true.
It made me think back to a good friend of mine who told me a story of how his old pastor once invited him to go on a trip with him quite a few years ago. They wound up at a strip club - my friend was bewildered. The pastor went inside, paid for a stripper, went to the room, and sat down. The woman asked him if he was ready and he simply started talking to her. My friend explained to me that this was another part of the ministry that the pastor did. Eventually the pimp caught on but allowed him to continue doing his thing so long as he paid for his time - there were so many women willing to do the job that it didn't matter if a few left every once in a while.
I told the girl I was watching on the site that I was interested in going into a private session with her. I paid $29.99 to do so. Once we got into the private session she asked me what I wanted. (The whole time, I was typing and she was talking to me.) I told her I simply wanted to talk to her and see her face because she was very beautiful. Despite seeing in her eyes before that she didn't enjoy what she was doing, she began stripping in front of me - I couldn't understand why because I know what I saw before in her eyes was true. I asked her again to just talk but she resisted and laid down on her bed and began rubbing herself. I jokingly (from her point of view) but seriously (from my point of view) told her that I was her paying customer and that I really wanted her to just come sit down and talk with me. At $1.99 per minute, I had already spent a good $15.00. I asked her to put her bra back on and then proceeded to simply talk with her. I asked her about her picture and asked her if she knew who Jesus was. She said she did and looked at me curiously, wondering why some guy was paying money to just talk. Right then my 15 minutes with her was finished, ending abruptly. As quickly as I could, I ordered another $29.99 worth of time and reentered the private session with her. She got the biggest smile on her face when I came back in and could tell something was different about me. She asked me why I was doing this. I then told her I was a pastor. She kind of blew me off at first, chuckling. Then I sent her a link to my Facebook page as proof. I asked her if she had ever been contacted by someone like me before and she said no. She asked if it would be okay for her to add me on Facebook - I said of course! I then asked her again if she really does enjoy her job. She started tearing up and said that she didn't. I asked her why... why she puts herself through that and she told me her family abandoned her and that the only way she could pay for her rent and last year of college was to do this at night while she worked as a maid during the day. She gets a couple hours of sleep and lives on coffee. At this point I told her that with every part of my being I want to help her. I asked her how much it would take and then told her that I live on a pastor's salary. I can't afford to pay her as much as she makes on the site. I was so torn about what to do. I asked her what percentage of the cut she gets from private sessions on the site and she said only 30% - meaning that of the $60 I just spent she only received $20. I asked her if we could use Paypal and she said she wasn't sure and that she would have to check with her bank on Monday. I had her promise me she would, and then my time ran out for the session.
This whole time my heart was breaking more and more and more... each step I took in this endeavor added another emotion. Conviction. Repentance. Guilt. Shame. Helplessness. Anger. Love.
Before I left for a while I reassured her of her beauty and that it I saw her true beauty - not just a body. I recalled her telling me that she is going to college so that she can help people. I told her that while that is a great thing, she is hurting people really bad by doing what she does on that website. She said she knows that but she doesn't know what else to do. I told her I would be praying for her and she said thank you and that she would be praying too. When I got back about an hour later, I jumped onto the website and went to her channel. There she was performing for some people who kept on requesting thing after thing from her, which eventually made her decide to go to private again. This broke my heart. I left again for a while and came back and had a conversation with her on Facebook, just asking her about different things. I then went to her channel and witnessed something beautiful. A customer asked her to cum for him and she looked at the camera, smiled, and said no. He repeatedly asked her to and said he was confused why she kept saying no. Then another customer came in and asked her to make him feel better because he had had a long day. She looked into the camera, and I felt as though she was looking straight into my eyes, and she told him that she was sorry but that she wouldn't. I messaged her on Facebook and said that I witnessed that and thanked her for putting the biggest smile on my face. She replied that she saw my username in there (but didn't quite say that I was the reason she said no.) We chatted for a while more on Facebook. By now it was super late, if not early for her over in Romania. I asked her if she was about to get some sleep and she said she said she was going to go take a shower and get a couple hours of sleep before work in the morning.
I called my good friend I had mentioned earlier who had gone to the strip club with his pastor years before. I told him this whole story, including the part about my pornography addiction. I told him of all the emotions I was feeling. I asked him what I was supposed to do now, because I felt so helpless. He told me that at this point I had done the hardest work. That for the first time this woman felt valued by someone and that she had a friend in Christ. He told me that moving forward the most important thing to do is build the friendship that has begun today. I told him of a couple concerns I had: What if she was just hustling me for money and kept using the site despite my giving? What if I can't provide enough for her to stop using the site? He again reassured me that the most important work had already been done and that all I can do is pray and do my best to continue to support her both in friendship and what I can monetarily.
Sitting here in my conviction I am bursting with ideas. This story is powerful - it proves a potential opportunity for ministry. Where can I go with this? What can I do now to continue sharing the love of Christ? I thank God for working here and redeeming my sins in such a powerful way. My prayer now is that this experience won't fade like every other conviction I have had about lust and pornography.
Please share here your thoughts and reactions to my story as well as prayers.