I am a sinner, imperfect, and small. My sins, some of which I am aware of, have harmed me and those around me. To reduce the mistakes I make, I reduced the number of actions I take, and reduced the impact each action has. I am isolated, and I feel too different, too honest and too direct to connect with people, especially people I am interested in. I tend to make others speechless, confused, scared or mad by my attempts to connect with them. I often say too much or do too much, but when I sit back, I have all these things I want to do or say. Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough to be with people I am interested in. My only friends today are two dogs, and even in those relationships, I feel like I am not doing good enough. I am afraid of making more mistakes and afraid of seeing all the mistakes I've made. I fear my unseen mistakes may be greater than I can imagine or bare to see. Maybe my sins have caused unimaginable pain and disruption in the universe, and fairness, as I understand it, qualifies me to die instantly. Maybe God did sacrifice his only son, so that I may be saved from my sins. Maybe through this sacrifice, a law was born, one that blesses me with forgiveness. Frankly, being forgiven or excused, makes me feel ashamed. Perhaps this is a necessary step. I want to do the more right things, so that I may be blessed with more good things in life and in death.
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