alright pat
i don't like you
but somethings gotta change here or you're gonna end up killing yourself
ann already being on tinder and going on dates was a crushing blow
so we've gotta get out of this
there are 5 weeks until december 1
that's a good little chunk of time to get some things in order
i don't want to do any of it but it's gotta be done

1)
first of all
time to get off your fucking BULLSHIT
no more chocolate bars for dinner you fucking IDIOT
the tone in the gas station employees voice has become increasingly worrisome every trip i make there
one of my co-worker goes to subway, another goes to mcdonalds
but here's pat
going to the gas station
and buying a chocolate bar and a bag of chips
fucking QUIT IT
people say vegetables are good things and i haven't had one yet this year
i think making stew would be a good idea because i love it + it's healthy

2)
no more fucking monsters/rockstars
i've been drinking 3 of these a day for about 4 months now
i used to be scared of drinking even 2 a day
but ever since this breakup i've stopped caring and just started drinking 3
there's been some days i've even drank 4 in a day
there's no way that's good
not to mention i can never fucking sleep and they cost 3 dollars each and i barely make 3 dollars a day
not to mention i look like a fucking wife beater/child molester
NOT TO MENTION MY CAR FUCKING SMELLS
LIKE I'M STRAIGHT OUT OF A DRYWALL DESTRUCTION COMPETITION
i don't even like the way they taste that much anymore
it just makes no god damn sense that i've been doing this

3)
i need to lose this depression weight again
i was 170.0 exactly today so luckily it's only been ~10 pounds
which is a blessing considering the fucking garbage i've been shoving in my face every day
it's hard when food has been my only comfort but it always makes me feel like shit afterwards
and my clothes have begun to feel tighter
which makes me feel even worse etc
not to mention i've been eating so much fucking sugar lately that i've just been sweating from it
i'm literally sweating right now eating a bunch of chocolate covered peanuts
WHY
THAT IS NOT NORMAL U IDIOT
PEOPLE DONT SWEAT FROM EATING CHOCOLATE
STOP IT
by december 1 I need to be back in the 150s (even 159) and i want to fucking stay there

4)
exercise
the gym being shut down really was a tough blow
it's maddening because i've never been more depressed and never had more motivation to go there
but now's literally the only time in history i can't
so need to start taking walks after work again
and doing pushups
this one will be np because i like taking walks and listening to sad music
it's a pity party for me
and i'm the only one invited

5)
i either need a lead on a new job and/or apartment
these are slightly outside my control
i personally think getting my own apartment would be the biggest positive to my mental health currently available
god is it ever fucking sad being with my parents confined in my shitty room
a 27 year old working at walmart living with his parents
i feel absolutely pathetic
fortunately i have graduated so its only a matter of time before a job comes along
i really hope i can get one of these things accomplished in the next 5 weeks

6)
finally
after those 5 things i can only hope i'll feel slightly better
and so i want to be ready to go on a date
it's been 5 months since the break-up
she's already going on dates
i'm still crying in my car during my lunch breaks
it kills me that she's' already moved on and i'm still here stuck
so future pat needs to be ready
he needs to be at least a smidgen better so he's able to put himself out there a little
because i know you pat
and you'll fucking keep brooding over this because that's what you've always done
and then years will pass by like nothing and you'll feel even worse about where the time has gone
that absolutely cannot happen again
i miss human contact so much
i miss hugs and cuddling
i miss somebody caring about me and my wellbeing
and unfortunately nobody's going to come rescue me
her and her family aren't going to come save me
i've gotta do this myself

5 weeks seems like so far away when every single day is such a slog
but we have to look out for future pat and it needs to start now

I fuckin love you!

i believe in you, buddy

i love you too

i also love you too stranger

well
today marks 5 weeks
i'm happy to report i've made some progress on this plan
yet disappointed i've not met all of the goals

firstly and most importantly however
i officially have my own apartment
here is a very tepid pat in his new dwelling


my official move in date was november 1 but i literally had to buy everything and get utilities all set up and all that jazz
so it took me until november 19 to get all this done

it was a really hectic few weeks and unfortunately i was still mostly a piece of shit during those few weeks
i've definitely cut back on the monsters but up until this point i've still been mostly drinking them
the weight is another positive though, a few days ago i was down to 165 and i've been taking my walks
should be easy to get the rest of that gone with some structure now in place
but i still need to incorporate some more veggies into my diet besides potato
unfortunately i've had no luck on the job hunt yet
i applied to one on nov.4 i felt really good about but nothing

and that is that i guess
i am pretty shocked i am in my own apartment though
it is a really nice place, albeit a little small, but certainly enough room for a lonely masturbator
and well
it has been lonely
it's so quiet and empty and i couldn't sleep for the first few nights
i suppose it's getting better, but it's still just so weird
people tell me i'll get used to it since this is the first time i've been on my own
i'm sure i will, but it's definitely going to take more time than so far
but i miss my mom

and that brings me to my final goal of being ready to go on a date
i am sad to say that is not going to happen
i can be happy that i have my own place at least for when the time comes
but i just still am in no shape to venture out there
i'm still pretty well dreaming of ann every single night
i don't know how to make it stop, i try thinking about things before falling asleep but the dreams end up the same
so i guess 6 months is still a little too soon for this scared little marshmellow
hopefully january 1st pat will be able to
and i can't say i feel all that confident about my body right now anyway so it's a moot point i suppose

that's all i can say for now
for the next month however
i've got to lose a minimum of 5 more pounds to get <160
and hopefully warm up to this place enough where i can really call it home and maybe introduce somebody to it
until next month
best of luck to you january pat

Wow look at you go!
And where the hell did Jake come from!?!

You look too skinny! Don't go all creepy too thin guy on me babe
Place looks nice - so modern! Small is good; less cleaning to do.
Maybe.. and just maybe and probably not at least until you settle into a job you are comfortable with think about getting a pet of some sort. (if you are allowed to) Helps give you some purpose and companionship.

Love you buddy!

P.S. Your v-neck reminds me of that fabric softener commercial where the guy goes on a date and has almost the same shirt on - all stretched and looking like a u-neck

Man, not even I know the answer to that question

Pat, for what it's worth, you're a handsome dude, no joke.
Caulder brings up a good point about the pet, if it's permissible at your new place/something you're comfortable with

thank you big c love you too, i think i've seen that commercial so many times its burned into my brain lol
i think the weight thing is just something engrained in me after being such a big fatty
surely 10 pounds wouldnt make much of a difference but it remains a big deal to me idk



i wish i had put more stock into the pet thing before hand, but this place does not allow it unfortunately
thank you jake
i hope things are going well with courtney and your baby

the good news is that i accomplished the other major thing i set out to do
i got a job with the government of newfoundland of all places 2 weeks ago
it pays nearly double what i was getting at walmart
the bad news is that i don't enjoy it whatsoever
all i've done since i started was sit in a chair and look busy, there isn't much work for me to do until people show up or somebody emails me
so its just been incredibly boring quiet and lonely
i also kept my job at walmart but just part time, so i'm working 60 hours a week and just take saturday off

idk about any of this
i thought it would all be a step in the right direction but i'm not any happier
i just feel so uncomfortable all the time, just unsettled
life still just feels so strange

i think about go meeting a girl but it still doesn't feel right
unfortunately i do not have any answers yet