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#1
Jan 25 2020 07:36am
Haha never thought I'd start a thread here myself :D

So I'm dating someone since early November and it's going rather well.
She's in the scouts where she has a lot of friends, one of which was her fwb until she met me. She had feelings for him for a long time and he always just used that for the physical part, until the point (somewhere during the summer) where she realized that it wouldn't ever work out so then she just kept seeing him for the physical part.
Even when we started dating she went to his place to watch a movie - which was not about watching the movie. He had intentions, but she went there to inform him that she wanted to stop doing all that because she was dating someone.
She did stay over to sleep (because it was already late (big bed)) but nothing happened. I believe her.

At NY eve, he texted her that he regretted the fact that things ended there and that he never gave it a shot to develop into something real.
She replied that she waited long enough, admits that she still really enjoys him but that he missed the boat. She sent me screenshots and all that because she doesn't want me to get any surprises.

Couple of weeks later he starts texting about arbitrary things again. She convinces me time and again that it's just a friendship and that she would never opt for the guy over me and all that, she doesn't actually meet up with him but she does run into him at the scouts.
She literally asked me for permission if it's OK to text with him again. And I said as much as, "I find it very weird that if he was just a fwb you would not throw him overboard when you've found something more that you actually wanted, it's like you're trying to keep a reserve line intact. But I'm not your dad, you don't need my permission"

Now, I see this guy as someone who abused her emotionally for his own physical satisfaction because she was actually in love until the last 2 months or so. And yet their friendship happily continues now that she's dating me. I've never had good relationships with someone I have dated in the past, so I find this rather weird. All my friends tell me not to worry and it's fine as long as she's open about it etc, but turns out I'm paranoid AF.

It's something we talk about very often and every answer just gives me two more questions and it's a growing problem on my side. She still has regular contact with another ex of hers, but that's a closed chapter. This fwb thing feels like a book with an open end and I find it very difficult that she still wants to hang out with him. Thoughts about this has smothered me for a long time and I'm increasingly wanting to break up, but I know full well I'd be throwing away gold. She really trusts me with things that she's never told anyone before and I believe that she's genuine with her intentions. I would never ever have her choose between one or the other.



Do I need to give it a rest? Do I need to keep talking about it with her? Or is my being paranoid here justified?
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#2
Jan 25 2020 08:43am
Tough situation. On one half, you have to admire the openness. But on the other, eh?

Also. I find it odd for her to sleep over at an old fwb's house, I mean, they were recently fwb. Like was this a 6 hour drive? Probably not. I'll drive home from places at 3 am sometimes. That just doesn't make me comfortable, even if they didn't sleep together, I just think it's odd. Definitely wouldn't be cool with me if it was my girlfriend.

Though at that time, you just started dating her? Assuming you're not a couple, like relationship, the reality is people can date multiple people at the same time. I mean part of dating is to see if you might be compatible with other people for something bigger (relationships, etc.). Some people will date multiple people at the same time, others won't during this stage.

I wouldn't get hung up on that part.

Overall. I think your feelings are justified. You've been seeing her since November, so things are likely getting a bit more serious now.

Part of me also thinks there's a chance this guy turns out to be a weasel in the future. Just be aware that this may happen (it sounds like you already have some intuition of that possibility). And honestly, if it does, that's her choice and that's a fault in her, not necessarily you. Sometimes there's nothing you can do about that.

For now, since you really like the woman, maybe just keep rolling with it and see what happens. And good communication is key. If it's still bothering you, I mean, you can bring it up. Just be calm and rationale about it.

This post was edited by GLYC123 on Jan 25 2020 09:10am
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#3
Jan 25 2020 09:24am
Quote (GLYC123 @ Jan 25 2020 03:43pm)
Tough situation. On one half, you have to admire the openness. But on the other, eh?

Also. I find it odd for her to sleep over at an old fwb's house, I mean, they were recently fwb. Like was this a 6 hour drive? Probably not. I'll drive home from places at 3 am sometimes. That just doesn't make me comfortable, even if they didn't sleep together, I just think it's odd. Definitely wouldn't be cool with me if it was my girlfriend.

Though at that time, you just started dating her? Assuming you're not a couple, like relationship, the reality is people can date multiple people at the same time. I mean part of dating is to see if you might be compatible with other people for something bigger (relationships, etc.). Some people will date multiple people at the same time, others won't during this stage.

I wouldn't get hung up on that part.

Overall. I think your feelings are justified. You've been seeing her since November, so things are likely getting a bit more serious now.

Part of me also thinks there's a chance this guy turns out to be a weasel in the future. Just be aware that this may happen (it sounds like you already have some intuition of that possibility). And honestly, if it does, that's her choice and that's a fault in her, not necessarily you. Sometimes there's nothing you can do about that.

For now, since you really like the woman, maybe just keep rolling with it and see what happens. And good communication is key. If it's still bothering you, I mean, you can bring it up. Just be calm and rationale about it.


We're both the kind of people to not go on dates with other people at the same time. I was texting and sometimes going out with 6 other women when I started hanging out with this one and I couldn't bring myself to continue all that. I always felt like when you do that you're not giving the one you're dating most seriously with a real chance. She wasn't dating anyone when we met and the last time she hooked up with him was a month before we met. It's just that the amount of contact between them is suddenly on the rise and it's really bugging me.
Trust me, we talk about this very, very often, and the conversation always ends with me giving her a huge compliment on how angelic her patience is with me in this context. But it's just a very smothering feeling when I think of the fact she actively wants to keep contact with this guy.

/e Also, thank you for your reply.

This post was edited by Forg0tten on Jan 25 2020 09:24am
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#4
Jan 25 2020 09:57am
Quote (Forg0tten @ Jan 25 2020 09:24am)
We're both the kind of people to not go on dates with other people at the same time. I was texting and sometimes going out with 6 other women when I started hanging out with this one and I couldn't bring myself to continue all that. I always felt like when you do that you're not giving the one you're dating most seriously with a real chance. She wasn't dating anyone when we met and the last time she hooked up with him was a month before we met. It's just that the amount of contact between them is suddenly on the rise and it's really bugging me.
Trust me, we talk about this very, very often, and the conversation always ends with me giving her a huge compliment on how angelic her patience is with me in this context. But it's just a very smothering feeling when I think of the fact she actively wants to keep contact with this guy.

/e Also, thank you for your reply.


Yeah, the increase in contact is kind of a red flag. The guy sure does sound like a weasel. He doesn't come off right to me.

I've seen some scenarios play out before. Obviously every scenario is a little bit unique. But I've definitely seen the, guy 1 dating a girl, girl starts more frequently talk to other guy 2, and then maybe they even start out just meeting up for dinner or other things on occasions, and next you know, guy 1 is out of the picture, and guy 2 immediately slides in, like a transition with no pause. Not saying that's what will happen here, but it does happen. And I've seen, and heard of it happening on multiple occasions.

Have zero respect for that guy. Blows girl off and someone else comes in and now he regrets it? Dude, move on. You made your choice. Now he's trying to talk more when she's seriously dating someone else. Just not a good guy. He likely doesn't respect what you have with her, because if he did, I don't think he would be doing this. I don't like him.

I wouldn't applaud her too much. She should really be thankful for you. Think if the roles were switched? A lot of women would not be cool with a guy doing this. A lot of people would maybe even break up over a similar situation.

My guess is if you both were to break up. Her and him would be a thing pretty quickly.

Just food for thought.

Also please keep in mind that. Even people who seem good (or really are great friends, sons/daughters, or great partners intially), can end up doing some crappy things in regards to dating/relationships. You've been with her for 3 months, and I'm sure you know some things about her, I'm not discrediting that but it does take a pretty long time to fully know a person. Just be on your guard and remember, talk is cheap and to look at actions. That will tell you everything.

And welcome man. Anytime, always helps hearing another person's perspective on things.

This post was edited by GLYC123 on Jan 25 2020 09:58am
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#5
Jan 25 2020 04:19pm
Just because you cannot be on good terms with your exes doesn't mean she can't be. Shes telling you everything it seems, and she doesn't even have to do that when you think about it. If anything, you being a bit controlling is probably pushing her away. There's no actual evidence that he's getting in the way of your relationship and on the other hand you might be getting in the way of her friendships. If she told him that he missed the boat, then that clearly means he's not with her and would probably lose his friendship if he tried anything while she was with you
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#6
Jan 25 2020 06:39pm
Quote (GodSmiter @ Jan 25 2020 04:19pm)
Just because you cannot be on good terms with your exes doesn't mean she can't be. Shes telling you everything it seems, and she doesn't even have to do that when you think about it. If anything, you being a bit controlling is probably pushing her away. There's no actual evidence that he's getting in the way of your relationship and on the other hand you might be getting in the way of her friendships. If she told him that he missed the boat, then that clearly means he's not with her and would probably lose his friendship if he tried anything while she was with you


I would say it's one thing to be on good terms with an ex (and sharing some communication on some occasions), and another to be in more regular consistent communication (I'm assuming almost every day) with a previous FWB that expressed wanting to get back together. Though I agree that it is nice that she has been upfront and communicated with OP.

But that's just me. You're right that if he tries to press the issue maybe it will cause more tension and push her away. Alternatively it might not work out also due to the fwb being in the picture. Relationships can end for any reason, sometimes reasons having nothing to do with you. All you can do is show up and give it your best.

I think it's entirely legitimate for OP to be bothered at the issue.
Personally, this situation would be a turn off for me.

Best wishes to OP. I'm not saying his situation won't work out for him, it very well might and I do hope it does work out for him, one way or another.

This post was edited by GLYC123 on Jan 25 2020 06:58pm
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#7
Jan 25 2020 10:33pm
She’s getting poled...


By at least you two. Friends is one thing, but spending the night with an ex who she banged, lol 😂

Lay down the law, or tell her to get steppin. IMO
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#8
Jan 26 2020 01:14am
Quote (Forg0tten @ Jan 25 2020 08:36am)
Haha never thought I'd start a thread here myself :D

So I'm dating someone since early November and it's going rather well.
She's in the scouts where she has a lot of friends, one of which was her fwb until she met me. She had feelings for him for a long time and he always just used that for the physical part, until the point (somewhere during the summer) where she realized that it wouldn't ever work out so then she just kept seeing him for the physical part.
Even when we started dating she went to his place to watch a movie - which was not about watching the movie. He had intentions, but she went there to inform him that she wanted to stop doing all that because she was dating someone.
She did stay over to sleep (because it was already late (big bed)) but nothing happened. I believe her.

At NY eve, he texted her that he regretted the fact that things ended there and that he never gave it a shot to develop into something real.
She replied that she waited long enough, admits that she still really enjoys him but that he missed the boat. She sent me screenshots and all that because she doesn't want me to get any surprises.

Couple of weeks later he starts texting about arbitrary things again. She convinces me time and again that it's just a friendship and that she would never opt for the guy over me and all that, she doesn't actually meet up with him but she does run into him at the scouts.
She literally asked me for permission if it's OK to text with him again. And I said as much as, "I find it very weird that if he was just a fwb you would not throw him overboard when you've found something more that you actually wanted, it's like you're trying to keep a reserve line intact. But I'm not your dad, you don't need my permission"

Now, I see this guy as someone who abused her emotionally for his own physical satisfaction because she was actually in love until the last 2 months or so. And yet their friendship happily continues now that she's dating me. I've never had good relationships with someone I have dated in the past, so I find this rather weird. All my friends tell me not to worry and it's fine as long as she's open about it etc, but turns out I'm paranoid AF.

It's something we talk about very often and every answer just gives me two more questions and it's a growing problem on my side. She still has regular contact with another ex of hers, but that's a closed chapter. This fwb thing feels like a book with an open end and I find it very difficult that she still wants to hang out with him. Thoughts about this has smothered me for a long time and I'm increasingly wanting to break up, but I know full well I'd be throwing away gold. She really trusts me with things that she's never told anyone before and I believe that she's genuine with her intentions. I would never ever have her choose between one or the other.



Do I need to give it a rest? Do I need to keep talking about it with her? Or is my being paranoid here justified?


this girl is playing you and she isn't even finding it a challenge
just a sea of red flags right here
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#9
Jan 26 2020 11:25am
Quote (HomeRun916 @ Jan 26 2020 05:33am)
She’s getting poled...


By at least you two. Friends is one thing, but spending the night with an ex who she banged, lol 😂

Lay down the law, or tell her to get steppin. IMO


I'm not so sure, we've had multiple occasions where we literally had to quit having smoochietime for a few days because she was damaged by the sheer frequency. Why would she look for it with someone else?
Either way, all my alarm bells are going, but if I'm wrong I'd be throwing away what may have been gold. Her story holds true in that she runs into him whether she likes it or not and that they were friends long before they did anything. Breaking up contact would mean she'd be dropped by a friend group very dear to her (she's a first-year, so her social environment isn't very large yet). Plus, my friend circle is important to her. It's the one she was drawn into early on and she hasn't paved much road to other friend groups due to the lack of necessity :p

I think I'm going to go with GLYC's "just see what happens". Her staying at his place was something she had asked upfront because she did not feel like cycling through the forest around 11 PM, and even so, it was in one of our first weeks of dating. She had not had contact with him until he texted at NY (and she has shown this to me with her phone (without me asking lol)). Consider me naive, I want this to work. And if not now, then when do I get over my paranoid attitude?
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#10
Jan 26 2020 12:17pm
(Pardon DP)
Wanted to add, some of our discussions about this particular subject have had me drop a hint that if she still wants that contact with him she should reflect on what he is to her - without me in her corner. And the suggestion of me leaving has left her shattered twice already. That's usually a sign of emotional investment, isn't it? >.> I really think that my actions and positioning in all this is equal to shooting myself in the foot time and again. But I can't help it, the feeling and hesitation is there.
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