Frozen, A Voice Of Reason / Rift Pally - Topic

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Jan 13 2020 06:36am

Me and Annor broke up. It was very warm in Lut Gholein so i suggested her to take some of her clothes off. And suddenly i'm the bad guy and this is a "harrasment at work" etc. Well, i have some good news for you b*tch - you can't be harrassed at work if you don't have any job! And fired her. Good luck finding your way back through the desert all alone, hoe!

Hired a guy named Fazel instead. No homo. Gave him Annor's Stealth and gambled some random +ed poleaxe and ready he was.

Together we went back to Andy and killed her about couple a million times. No screenies as i'm not gonna waste a single byte on my hdd to save the sh*t she left us. The only usable drop was a pair of Hsarus' boots - at least now i can run faster from the monsters.

A local tavernkeeper Atma asked me to avenge her murdered husband and son. Of course! The whole f*cking town is full of Greiz and his gucci gang-gang and still i'm the only one capable for a job! How the f*ck did you survive here without me!? It's a f*cking social stereotype about paladins that you have to be noble and sh*t when all you actually care about is money, booze and hookers. I din't honestly give a sh*t about Atma's feelings! What's that thing with the girls and their "feelings" anyway? Annor always wanted to talk about her feelings during our trip to Lut Gholein. I offered that she can feel my d*ck inside her and again i was an "insensitive bastard" and so on. Well, obviously i didn't have any choice - again! - but to go and kill that poor mummy. Boy, those sewers smelled! Remembered me of my first apartment.

This post was edited by Chos3n on Jan 13 2020 06:42am

Chos3n

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#12

Jan 15 2020 09:10pm

Cain is getting on my nerves with his obsession with "Tal Rasha's Tomb"! He keeps asking me to search for some cube, staff and amulet in order to find it. In the f*cking desert! The hell i will - it's dangerous! Told him to go f*ck himself. I'll buy him some toys tomorrow he can play with.

Me and Hazel had couple of beers later that night at Atma's. Maybe some more. I don't remember the details. Anyway - i woke up in the bloody desert today! Hazel told me later, that i was bragging about catching Baal and making him my lap dog. Promised to teach him some tricks and then sell him to the circus. Took my sword and left. The f*cking drinking is bad for your health sometimes, who would believe this? Anyway - there i was in the middle of the f*cking desert having the worst hangover ever and the f*cking sun was hot as f*ck.

Found a shelter. Halls of the Dead or some sh*t. At first it seemed to be full of genetically engineered catgirls. Those scientists finally invented smth useful, i thought! On the second look they didn't look pretty at all. Still better than in that f*cked up "Cats" movie though. Then they started throwing sticks at us. Killed them all. On the deepest level we found a chest with a cube. Must be that cube Cain mentioned. The old fag told me that if you throw your sh*t into it then smthing better comes out. So i stuffed Fazel inside hoping he turns into Elsa Jean or smth. Nope - he was still as smelly and ugly as always. Never trust those old "mages"! Then Fazel puked into the cube. Hope that will not ruin those recipes Cain told me about. Took the cube and left.

That desert was truly a f*cked up place! Full of nasty stuff. Like those sparkling toilet bowls with legs. Fazel went behind the corner to enjoy his joint so had to kill their boss of on my own.

We were looking for our way home when i suddenly felt down. Who the f*ck digs holes in the middle of the f*cking desert!? That sh*thole was full of some really big maggots and there was their f*cked up mother of the century in the lowest level. That breeding rate... Killed her. Also found a random metal stick, hope it's worth something.

Chos3n

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#13

Jan 17 2020 04:21pm

Found a sh*thole that looked like Detroit. Fazel told me that it's called Lost City. Whatever.
The good news is that the sun suddenly disappeared.

There was Claw Viper temple. I went in to look for a bar but couldn't find any. What kind of f*cked up temple doesn't have a bar!? To sit down, relax and think about some holy sh*t? It was full of strange looking snakes and lizards instead. Killed them and went on. On the lower level Fazel stumbled and broke an old altar. The sun came out again - "thanks", Fazel, you useless piece of sh*t! At least we found a golden amulet there. Gonna sell it for some pieces of gold later.

We finally found our way back to Lut Gholein. It appeared that we were heroes! For finding Horadric Cube, Staff of Kings and Amulet of the Viper. Pieces of some old sh*t. I honestly had no idea but kept saying "it was my honor" and other bullsh*t. I don't actually like the idea of "being a hero". Yeah, it sounds cool and helps you to get chicks. But it's simply not worth it - heroes' life expectancy is frustratingly low! And every man and his dog expects heroes to work for him for free. Wtf, don't you think that heroes need to pay their bar and hooker bills too!?

There's a smart*ss wannabe mage Drognan in town. With the most punchable face in the whole Sanctuary. He told me that i have to search palace for something. Who the f*ck he thinks he is? My boss? Told him to f*ck off. Then he explained that there's a harem there. Why didn't he tell this in the first place? I'm always ready to search harems! Told Jerhyn that it'll prbly take some weeks. Whatever it is i'm searching for.

About that harem... If those things were Jerhyn's wives, this dude has some serious mental issues! That perv! They didn't even look like humans! Dude, get some professional help asap! Did him a favor and put them all to sleep.

After entering a random portal downstairs we found ourselves in the space or sh*t. Hoped to meet lieutenant Nyota Uhura or Ellen Ripley but no such luck ofc. The place was full of creatures that all wanted to kill us instead. Why all this violance? Can't we be friends or sh*t instead? Even some crazy old man threw sh*t and curses at me. Reminded me of my father-in-law. Had to kill him. Found a book full of strange symbols. Didn't understant a sh*t. I was searching for some pictures of naked ladies or smth, when suddenly - boom! - we were in the middle of a f*cking desert again!

Why do those things keep happening to me!? Luckily we found a shelter in an old tomb or sh*t.

That backflip / 10

Chos3n

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#14

Jan 17 2020 04:35pm

There was a room with a hole on the ground. Fazel suggested that we should stick the Horadric Staff there. I suggested that he should stick his d*ck instead. We used the Horadric Staff as Fazel was afraid of spiders and sh*t. Then - boom! - a part of the wall collapsed. This f*cking building is dangerous, why don't they close it down!?

We went in. There was a thing that can only be described as a crossbreed of Mama June and a praying mantis. "Looking for Baal?" he hissed. No, i'm looking for a hoe, but your sister was busy with sucking your dad off! Long story short: the battle was hard, but we slowly hacked him to death. Had to drink all my red potions and all but one reju.

With his last breath he made a huge dump. Some call it a "quest drop".

In the next room was a dude with the wings. He introduced himself as an archangel Tyra Banks or smth. We had a converstation. I didn't say my part out loud ofc - one simply doesn't f*ck with the angels!
"I did expect you earlier" - Well, guess what - i didn't expect myself here at all!
"I came here to prevent Diablo from freeing his brother, Baal. But I have failed." - Sure you did! Am i the only one around here, who knows his job!?
"Now, Terror and Destruction roam free throughout your world." - Yeah, i know, but he's a democratically elected president of USA. There's nothing i can do about it. Ask Pelosi.
"I am broken and the energies that tie me to this world are diminishing rapidly." - I don't like where it leads...
"You must take up this quest and prevent the Three Brothers from reuniting." - Yup, here we are. Dreams are coming true. I always wanted to get killed by the devil himself like a dork. F*ck it, i'm out of here!

At least he gave us a ride back to Lut Gholein.

That Jerhyn dude told us that he ordered his yacht to take us away. Finally! To some tropical place called Kurast. F*cking yeah! Beach. Babes in bikinis. Topless ofc. Beach bars with booze. I've totally deserved this break!

Joekel

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#15

Jan 24 2020 11:12am

iso updates!

Chos3n

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#16

Jan 25 2020 03:53pm

Quote (UCALL @ Jan 24 2020 07:12pm)

iso updates!

Your wish is my command!

ACT III

I've been scammed!

It already started with a "yacht" i was promised. It was a pathetic excuse for a boat! No air conditioning. No bars. I was in the same room with Cain and his ww2 stories and Fazel and his smell - both killing me slowly but surely. I went to deck to have some fresh air, but there was Meshif singing "Drunken Sailor". Tried to hang myself, but the rope was rotting - just like the f*cking boat! - and now my back hurts in addition to everything else.

If the world has a sh*thole it would be Kurast. No beaches, just some muddy islands and smelly stagnant water. Endless rain, humidity and rotting everywhere. No tavern to relax. Two girls. Asheara is fine, she's almost naked and drunk all the time. But how should I hit her up when she's always surrounded by her weirdos called "bronze hyenas" or something!? Natalya is fine too - she seems to prefer wearing latex - but has f*cking knives attached to her hands. Can you imagine a handjob by her!? Thwack-thwack-thwack, bye-bye Frozen, welcome Frozena Jenner!

I was so frustrated and irritated that decided to take a short walk. There was a man outside of Kurast who broke into pieces on my own eyes - and those pieces immediately attacked me ofc. Prbly a local way to say "Welcome to Kurast, motherf*cker!" Killed a huge bug and it dropped a jade figurine. Where the hell did it keep this!? On the other hand... i don't wanna know! At least i managed to exchange that sh*t for some booze after a couple of deals. Felt much better and healthier after drinking it.

Ormus - another magi wannabe always talking in rhymes and riddles - told me, that Kurast is actually miles away from here. Overrun by demons or some sh*t. Whatever, it can't be worse than this. Took my sword and Fazel and left. Cain started his usual bullsh*t about "our mission", so i told him to shut up. Why do i even carring him with me!? Every time i listen to that old fag i get into some trouble. Like someone - or something - tries to kill me.

Found a shelter to spend a night - just some random hole on the ground. It appeared that it was full of giant spiders. What kind of Hobbit sh*t is this!? Killed them all including their king Sszark smth. Who the f*ck names something "Sszark"!? Like daddy spider says to mommy spider: "Darling, i hate our newborn son so much. Let's name him Sszark and make his life miserable!" Damn, that thing was cursed and poisonous! Reminded me of my mother-in-law. Found a human eye there. In a pretty good condition too. Wonder how much is it worth in the dark web?

In the lowest level of the smelly sewers in a stinky swamp in the middle of nowhere we met... a doctor! Rofl, what the hell was your subject that ended you in this sh*thole? Gender studies? He was really furious, mumbled some incomprehensible sh*t and provoked his hobbit students to butcher us. Yeah, certainly gender studies! Happened to me irl too. Killed him. Found human brain. My organ business is growing.

Chos3n

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#17

Jan 25 2020 04:33pm

Timing / 10

Found a holy Skatsimi blade or smth and brought it to Ormus. "This Magic Ring does me no good," he said and gave this sh*t to me as an award. Guess what, you imbecile - it doesn't much good for me neither!

Kurast! Finally! A tree at the gates suddenly moved. I expected him to say "i'm Groot" so we could go to search for infinity stones or sh*t together, but it attacked me instead. Seriously - wtf!? I'm already used to the fact, that every representative of Kurast fauna tries to kill me, but - for God's sake - a f*cking tree!? What's next? Stones from the ground come alive and slaughter me!?

Started looting local temples when suddenly run into a group of sexy girls. Jackpot! "Hey, ladies," i shouted politely, "whoever drops her clothes fastest wins a ride on my d*ck!" They attacked me. Prbly some hard-line feminists. Was a though fight, but still way easier then the last time i used that pickup-line irl in women's march.

GoreRider

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#18

Jan 26 2020 03:04pm

The most entertaining story i’ve ever red :thumbsup:

Chos3n

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#19

Jan 27 2020 02:17pm

Quote (GoreRider @ Jan 26 2020 11:04pm)

The most entertaining story i’ve ever red :thumbsup:

Ty!

I actually feel a bit bad about my progress as everybody else and their dogs have already beaten hell Baal at this point.

Well, back to the story.

Me and a random sewer and even more random bats or sh*t attacking me. I don't know why i'm showing it as every f*cking living thing here - and some that are not - is trying to kill me anyway. Kinda hoped they turn into some super sexy vampires who bite me and end this f*cking misery. No such luck. Found a human heart. My organ business is blooming!

Ormus warned me that i have to meet some council or sh*t in Travincal. No problem! I'm pretty experienced in this field as judges have ordered me to attend counseling many times. Alcohol abuse *, anger management **, f*cking chicks who told me they're 18 ***, drunk driving **** and that kind of sh*t. Piece of cake!

Please give me a sec here and let me defend myself againts those false accusations:
* - Is drinking 3 weeks in a row really too much? Gz - you're an "alcoholic"! What kind of f*cking labeling sh*t is this? Are we living in a free country or some f*cking People's Republic of Sovietistan!?
** - I have an anger issue!? Me!? Tell it to my face and i'll punch your's so hard, that your gf/wife thinks you're Mickey Rourke! I'll f*cking kill you, you son of a b*tch, you *#%&* #** %*&%##!!!
*** - How the hell was i supposed to know they were minors? Ask them? Most of the b*tches i had sex with were way too drunk to understand anything! Ask for an id? What if they're vietnamese sex slaves i bought from the dark web and have no id!? Duh!?
**** - They told me that i lied to the police that i only had 2 beers before hitting that tree. Hello!? I really had only couple of beers and they didn't ask anything about whiskey, absinthe, meth and LSD. And they never asked that tree what was HE doing there right beside the road. They never even measured the level of alcohol in HIS blood! That's racist!

Me and my first counselor Is My Handjob Failed or smth. He wanted to talk about my childhood. Told him that f*cking his mother was a really traumatizing experience for such a young age. Or for any age actually. Especially when his grandmother joined. Whales belong to the ocean! Then we fought. Yeah, that's how most of my counselings end. He dropped a flail. Wtf is counselor doing with a flail? That's unprofessional!

Me and my second counselor Dork Assfisting. He asked me how i feel and if i need any help. I answered that i feel like 3 seconds before punching my counselor's face. And yes, i need a little help here as i can't find it - there're just two asses with sh*t coming out from both. Another refreshing fight! I really don't know why many people are afraid of counseling, they're actually petty fun!

Chos3n

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#20

Feb 5 2020 08:14am

Me and my third counselor Celeb Damefingering. He showed me a really messed up picture with some stains and asked what do i see? Told him that my last counselor killed himself after i answered that question. Shouldn't he just tell me that i'm alright and the f*cking society is wrong? He insisted. So i told him... well, let's just say my answer involved him, his daughters and some really bizarre sexual activities. Even for me. He attacked me. How can those counselors here be so f*cking sensitive and unstable themselves!? How they're supposed to help those in need?

Then i was scammed. Again. Cain, Ormus and their wankers squad took my organs and flail and tossed them into the horadric cube. When i opened the cube the flail was still there but my organs were gone. The f*cking cocked up "magic" is this!? The old nutter tried to convince me that it's not my flail but some d*ckhead's named Khalim or something. I have some f*cking bad news for that Khalim dude - it's mine now! I took my sword, Fazel, that "Khalim's flail", told to Cain and Ormus that they can go f*ck themselves - or each other if they prefer - and simply left.

Back in Travincal i found a strange glowing orb. I imagined that it's Cain's head and smashed it with that "Khalim's flail". Felt a bit better. A strange hole opened in the ground. The f*ck is wrong with those buildings!? Entered the hole. The place was full of vampires and zombies and some self-exploding pygmees and more counselors and sh*t. Still better than those folks in Kurast docks.

Found this big pile of sh*t. He kinda reminded me of those f*cked up counselors. But bigger. Maybe he's their supervisor or something? He's name was Methodist iirc. We had a dialogue:
- My brothers have escaped you!
(Brothers? What f*cking brothers? I don't give a sh*t about your retarded relatives, just wanna get out of here.)
- Too bad your sister didn't!
- Mwahahaha, i dont have any sisters, mortal!
- You will have one after 9 months. Or whatever the length of your mom's gestation is.

The battle itself wasn't too hard, even my sorry ass Fazel survived.

Kill Meph, they said...
You'll get a GUEST DROP they said...

A portal opened. F*ck it, i'm out of here!

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