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Oct 13 2019 06:31pm
Eh it's not the job it's the failure to fit in, job just a conduit to remind me. I'm too sensitive for this world. Anyway I'm in so much pain I can't even think straight, definitely can't be with myself. It's funny I think when you hate yourself and can't stand your person you can't expect anyone else to, and they probably won't. Then when you can stand it, you don't need/want anyone, and they are more likely to accept you. Not that they are actually more or less receptive to you, only that your view and perception of the interactions and situations have changed such that you are more open to them. It's like being able to get what you want necessitates that you don't want it. It's how people interact generally I guess. Normal people arent trying to make a friend or partner, they're just existing and it happens. Of course some are. The feeling I have is exactly the same as when that girl and I split up after two years and I didn't know what to do or where to go. Helpless, crippling sort of feeling. Like your stomach is an empty hole the size of the universe, there's no one around you. No one can hear or see you, like you're screaming to the world behind soundproof glass. Heart feels very heavy. Price we pay for love is intense pain following loss, but this effect has bled into all aspects of my life, however minor and trivial. Feels like I'm mourning my life
Think when that girl left and I realized love could be so transient part of me died, and I haven't felt safe or wanted, cared for, needed, whatever, since. I just have to get it. I can't be alone any more, it's too much for me. I'll do anything. There's this girl at my work I like and I barely know her but it feels like my brain was split in two and her image was seared into the middle before it was stitched back together. This a girl I've met half a dozen times. But it doesn't feel desperate because there are other girls there I know sort of intellectually are more attractive, but I like this one. I'm terribly awkward at work, but I think I handle it just well enough that I come off a bit mysterious or maybe angry or something, but either of those is much better than nervous and weird. I remember on random online quizzes for fun personality tests they'd ask if you'd rather be normal or weird, and everyone used to put weird, like who wants to be normal? How boring. I'm certain those people have never tasted being weird or desperate. Feeling like your brain and feet and heart and entire essence is on fire, horrible alarms sounding to move, run, get out of here, change what you're doing, free yourself of this pain, and there's absolutely nothing to be done. You're shackled to your inadequacies and failures with just enough slack that you can get a run going before you're ripped backward by the burdens you can't escape. Probably the worst part is imagining you lack the constitution for suicide and that the only way out is through life. Like a big field full of broken glass, blood, body parts, missed opportunities, failure failure failure cowardice humiliation. Still when I ask myself if I deserve better, if I could by word of mouth assent my pain away, I don't feel I can. It's like someone has pain and it is some sort of ethereal mist that enters your brain or body, something foreign and unnatural, something temporary, to be exiled. After some time for me the painful Misy started replacing my normal, solid parts, so now that without my suffering I would collapse into an amorphous pool. No personality, no substance, nothing left of me
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