Broken Ankle - Topic

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Aug 14 2019 11:53pm

so, I had surgery last Tuesday. So one month after my first surgery.

I think it was a generally traumatic experience.
I went to the hospital around 10:45 a. m. for day surgery, a small clinic inside. I was then lying down for hours, I was asked to get on a scale (which is impossible since I can't put any weight on my leg and a screw comes out of my foot), I am asked for repeated pregnancy tests when I am so stressed that I can barely eject anything (especially since, given my condition, I would have known well before if I was pregnant... or not)

I went into surgery around 4:00 p. m. I was really tired, I started to feel anguished when they left me waiting in the hallway for about 30 minutes. They put a solution in my arm in an extremely painful place, I who is normally very quiet began to cry like never before.

so I asked him why he wasn't putting me to sleep.
he said,''I know my job'' a little too hard in my ears. in front of my fear. I was really over my pain.

so quietly, I slip into surgery.
I cry, all the time. I'm conscious: I'm afraid.
I get stung in the leg. I feel absolutely everything.

do you know what it's like to know that you're going to be butchered to the bone while you're conscious and feeling everything?

because honestly, I wouldn't have thought it would get so infected. because yes, my second post-operative appointment was for August 12. I went to the emergency room on Thursday before August 6, because I absolutely had to be reassured. I managed to get an appointment faster. fortunately.
the doctors at the emergency room told me it didn't look infected so not to worry until the following Monday. to come back if the nail ever pierced my skin.

so let's guess what happened:
It got infected. And it was flowing intensely. All the time.
so to come back, I who was screaming in pain on the operating table: they tied me up, put headphones and the radio in my ears and I felt my heart wanting to come out of my chest. I was in so much pain, as if... I was open to the skin. Curious, wasn't it?

I then go to the recovery room completely helpless. I feel pain. I feel my foot sore from her misadventure. I cry. I am given drugs, drugs, and more painkillers. I start to relax. I even make a friend who was also crying next to me.

I had been sober since midnight. it was now 6:30 PM. I begged several doctors for ice cubes, something to drink: they finally gave me a COLD apple juice. I was literally crying with joy.

I go home, I suffer, it's normal. I cry, it's okay: we just opened up in my ankle where we had already operated a month before.

Everyone suspects it's infected given the fluid infects. The pain is excruciating.
I was looking forward to my appointment on the following Monday (August 12).

chatone

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#12

Aug 14 2019 11:59pm

chatone

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#13

Aug 16 2019 11:59pm

dude this shit killing me

chatone

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#14

Sep 1 2019 11:31pm

I wish I could have told you how much it hurt.
How much on morale, esteem and my vision of life.

It broke a little bit of a trust I had. Independence. It hurt day and night, I was so so sore and it didn't let go.

I had an operation on August 6 that was nothing more than another trauma, my foot being too infected to be completely asleep.

They tied me up in the chair. They held my hands as I screamed in pain when my skin was pierced. I told people, I was too awake, I was too aware of everything around me.
I was terrified. How is that possible? How is it that life is so complex and relentless?
I know it's gonna be okay. But my God.

Depressing.

I was seen again a week later.
My foot (at the ankle) was ejecting a yellow and green liquid, a positive bacterial culture.

Emergency appointment in micro biology, my doctor insisted that I shouldn't laugh with that.
So I go the next day. At the end of my nerves from everything that was happening to me.

The doctor looks at my foot, we take blood samples, they barely try to explain to me what's going on except that it's an infection deeply embedded in the bone because it's because of the screw.
My heart just did a few good things when I knew I was going to have an IV for six weeks or more in The Arm.

So I was then sent to the X-ray room to do ultrasounds of my veins. I was frozen, the worst thing is probably that I was alone during all this because it was a busy day for my loved ones. It doesn't matter.

I cry a little, I try to understand and tell myself that it will be done and that's all.

I inspire. I'm expiring. The nurse is trying to reassure me.

When the PICC LINE (intravenous to inject the drug into the bloodstream directly connected to the heart etc.) has been placed

I had to roll my wheelchair to daycare on my own. Just there: they realized I was bleeding heavily. The nurses were starting to stress me out and talk about bleeding: I felt weak because I was so anxious. I was hoping this nightmare would stop and stop soon.

I honestly think I have a bad star near me. I can't wait for her to understand that I've suffered enough.

I can't wet half of my body in the water right now. Even after two and a half weeks of intravenous use: a new bacterium on the new sample. Another defeat for me even if my doctor is not worried. It took three weeks for my support points to be removed. Well embedded in the infection, it hurt so much. I panicked more than once.

It's really shit. I've never felt so much hate in my life.

I still don't sleep well at night. My foot swells like I've been hitting it for six years. I find the time painful, long and I can't make peace myself. I am caught on the spot realizing that I am in pain and that I am just angry.

This post was edited by chatone on Sep 1 2019 11:31pm

chatone

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#15

Sep 2 2019 10:40pm

left is after surgery. right is before.

the pain.
the infection.

it's really the image of what I have of the nightmare, the intravenous, the hospital appointments every week, the bandages, the nurses who come three times a week to change the catheters, the dressings and not to mention the antibiotic every eight hours.

not being able to wet half my body. not being able to walk. not having the strength to climb stairs. depending on people and sometimes feeling that it is heavy for them.

sometimes I try to reassure myself as I see fit.
it's very complicated to reason with someone who's in pain, constantly.
I laugh a lot at what happens, it's unfortunate and I know it's going to end up being a thing of the past.
but God it itches. It hurts.
and I have trouble expressing myself as I would like to. It affects my morale enormously, I'm flush and I spend my time finding the pain unbearable. I have only that to do!

I feel like I'm in a cage, trapped in my own body. I ask myself questions, I have time to think, I have time to panic, I don't understand how my foot keeps swelling, I reason every day: what should I have done differently?

Is it more emotional right now? Or more physical?
who knows?

all I know is that I'm mad at the whole thing. I'm mad at myself for not listening to myself more, I'm mad at myself for being afraid of missing things, I'd like to be comfortable saying no. I'd like to understand the signals.

I wish life had been sweeter with me.
just a little bit.

chatone

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#16

Sep 4 2019 05:45pm

fuck this shit tbh

chatone

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#17

Sep 8 2019 11:56am

There are many people around me.
Yet I feel so alone.

I'm in constant pain.
I don't understand why this happened. I have a lot to learn from all this. A lot of focus. A lot of emotion management.

Not understanding why I can't
to take care of myself. Not understanding why I have trouble cooking for so long. Why can't I keep the orthopaedic boot in my foot at night? Why is the bone still fractured even after a month? After two months?

How could I have screws coming out of my ankle? How come my body cooperates so little with me?

I'm not falling for myself. I know it's okay. I am lucky to be healthy.

Will I start running again? When am I going to be so energetic?
Is this a sign of life?

My next appointment with the orthopaedic surgeon is this Monday. My next appointment in microbiology. The nurse who comes three times a week. Change the probe linked to my heart and blood.

Am I that sick? Do I really realize all this?

It's very difficult for me to talk about it. It's excessive. It never stops. And my heart is heavy because I only have time for that. When I go out, I have trouble being alone. I can't go to the hospital whenever I want, alone, I can't get by myself right now. It's depressing. Demoralizing.

I want to run everywhere. To go back to work. To dance, to drink tequila, to travel, to go out, to pay for my car, to see more clearly and above all to dream. It's hard to stop thinking when you have nothing better to do.

chatone

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#18

Sep 8 2019 01:41pm

I would have liked to have explained it better. Imagine absolutely wanting to take a shower but need help?
Imagine having to wake up at night to take intravenous medication?

I wish I had cried harder. I wish I could have lived through my pain. Feel the Sun on my skin a little more, because in November in Canada, it's winter. And winter is long. We survive, definitely, we recover.

We're recovering because we have no choice but to endure it. It's part of life. These are stories I'm going to have to tell. Huge scars that I will massage with a cream to heal them better. I will continue to say in a fun tone: I broke my entire ankle dancing in a bar with a pitcher of sangria in my hands.

And for now I say it by trying to make me believe that it amuses me, because that's how I'm going to feel better. Maybe.

chatone

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#19

Sep 15 2019 09:56pm

i just wanna take a shower
I just feel so sad and like I’m in a cage
In my own body
It hurts a bit less, ofc, but still, sometimes I realize how much all of this is fucked up
I’m in tears atm
I don’t feel like talking or telling anyone
I’m a free soul
I hate depending on people
I love running, the rain, swimming, I love a lot of stuff
When will I be free from pain?
I know I won’t forget
The infection and all was the cherry on top of sundae
It’s been more than a night I didn’t cry over this
I wanna cry myself to sleep
I’m so lonely but at the same time
I’m just tired from feeling stucked

chatone

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#20

Sep 15 2019 10:07pm

Everything is going to be just fine

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