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Nov 28 2018 07:49pm
Quote (Moink @ 29 Sep 2018 12:20)
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is!

What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the point..

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's Funeral?
Nothing.

What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?
Usain Bolt can finish a race

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She didn't wear a seat belt.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, but seven isn't enough.

Food is kind of like dark humor. Not everyone gets it

____________

So I was flying off to Toronto the other day, I was seated getting prepared for take-off. The captains voice comes on the speaker and proceeds to go over the pre flight dialogue "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, our destination today is Toronto Ontario, we will be cruising at about 30,000 feet -" And continues on. Half way through, he puts the mic down and looks over to his co-pilot and says "You know what I'd really like right now? A cup of coffee, and a blowjob" Unfortunately he didn't turn off the mic, so the stewardess panics and makes a mad dash to the cabin. The guy at the back yelled out at her "YOU FORGOT THE COFFEE!"

Sitting at the doctors office, when the doc comes in to go over my charts. He's going over some routine questions, when I notice he's having a hard time writing. First I thought the pen was just dying, until I realized it was a rectal thermometer. "Doc, that's not a pen - it's a rectal thermometer" - to which the doctor say "Oh great, some assholes got my pen!"


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Nov 28 2018 08:19pm
Quote (Diablo_Friend @ Nov 28 2018 07:49pm)
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Damn you, saw this was bumped. THought new ones were posted lol.
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Nov 28 2018 10:49pm
A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
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Nov 30 2018 12:16pm
Quote (RichmanPuppies @ Oct 1 2018 03:22am)
Princess Diana is fucking gold.


Quote (Moink @ Oct 1 2018 03:46am)
legitimately, one of the best ones I know. That shit still kills me


Add this one lol

What do princess Diana and pink Floyd have in common?

Their biggest hit was the wall
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Dec 4 2018 09:54pm
Dude this was so worth reading, bumping to top!
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Dec 5 2018 08:44pm
I'll contribute a few of my favs

What's the first thing you should do after you molest a mute?
Break their fingers so they can't tell anyone

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape

andddd in the spirit of the season... What did the blind deaf boy get for Christmas?
Cancer
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Dec 5 2018 09:51pm
Lol nice ones
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Dec 9 2018 01:48pm
I'll contribute some awful ones:

Who are the fastest readers in the world?
Those on top of the twin towers, they went through 100 stories in less then 10 seconds.

What do you call a black person jumping out of a plane? What do you call them when they hit the ground?
Night / Blacktop

What's the difference between a child and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
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Dec 14 2018 02:02pm
Fucking fantastic.
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Jan 7 2019 08:21pm
an oldie but a goodie:

whats worse than finding ten dead babies in a garbage can?


finding one dead baby in ten garbage cans.
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