Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is!

What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the point..

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's Funeral?
Nothing.

What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?
Usain Bolt can finish a race

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She didn't wear a seat belt.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, but seven isn't enough.

Food is kind of like dark humor. Not everyone gets it

____________

So I was flying off to Toronto the other day, I was seated getting prepared for take-off. The captains voice comes on the speaker and proceeds to go over the pre flight dialogue "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, our destination today is Toronto Ontario, we will be cruising at about 30,000 feet -" And continues on. Half way through, he puts the mic down and looks over to his co-pilot and says "You know what I'd really like right now? A cup of coffee, and a blowjob" Unfortunately he didn't turn off the mic, so the stewardess panics and makes a mad dash to the cabin. The guy at the back yelled out at her "YOU FORGOT THE COFFEE!"

Sitting at the doctors office, when the doc comes in to go over my charts. He's going over some routine questions, when I notice he's having a hard time writing. First I thought the pen was just dying, until I realized it was a rectal thermometer. "Doc, that's not a pen - it's a rectal thermometer" - to which the doctor say "Oh great, some assholes got my pen!"

Nice ones! Thanks

Princess Diana is fucking gold.

legitimately, one of the best ones I know. That shit still kills me

Let's darken things up again

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet?
The finish line at the Boston Marathon

How do you get a Jewish girl's number?
Roll up her sleeve.

What is the difference between a bag of heroin and a baby?
Eric Clapton wont let a bag of heroin fall out the window.

Girls are like blackjack...
I'm always going for 21 but I always end up hitting on 14

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.

My favorite sex position is the JFK
Splatter all over her face as she screams and tries to get out of the car

Why are black men good at basketball?
The whole purpose is to run shoot and steal.

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and a school?
Dont ask me I just fly the drone.

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid you will hate it as an adult.

Haha gfg

These are great.... I might be going to hell for laughing but keep them coming.

what is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a super hero and the other is a simple command.

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables alive.


When a woman removes polish with chemicals...no one bats an eye.
But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals....everyone loses their shit!!!!


This post was edited by CARTRACK on Nov 5 2018 05:32pm

I'm deeeeead. lolol

omg haha