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Jun 4 2018 12:29am
Had a dream where it was the 18th century, and I was dreaming from the first-person perspective of a naval officer. I had ambitions to usurp the captain for control of the ship, but I was forced to bide my time. Eventually I realized that I could realize my goals by babysitting the Queen's toddlers (the naval fleet was owned by the monarchy), so if I could curry favor with the royal family, I could schmooze my way into gaining command of a ship. So I babysat these toddlers, even though I really didn't want to, eventually displacing the captain of the ship for command of the vessel, and all was well... until some aliens made first contact with Earth.

The government was researching some technology the aliens had given us as a welcoming gift--to show their benevolence. The alien technology seemed all fine and dandy, but scientists had realized that there was more to this alien technology than they let on. The scientists wanted a live person to test out the function of an unusual pod, which humans could sleep in. I was tasked with doing this. However, right as I was about to go into the pod, I begged not to be forced to go in. After I went in, it was discovered that the pod was a vessel for experimenting on humans: the aliens wanted to see what it would be like if they could alter human behavior in different ways. The result of this incident was that I became a lascivious pedophile.

Now, let me just mention right here that I was reading on reddit about Nathan Larson ( https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/nathan-larson-congressional-candidate-pedophile_us_5b10916de4b0d5e89e1e4824 ), who is a congressional candidate running on a pro-rape, pro-pedophilia platform, so that's probably why pedophilia was in my dream. In any case, the person whom I was dreaming as had to fight the urge to molest the children he was tasked with babysitting (the toddlers from earlier in the dream). I/he staved off this urge successfully. As the dream went on, I managed to infiltrate the source of the aliens' power and destroy their device, which turned everyone back to normal. The source of the aliens' power was some kind of inchoate light source, but I managed to blow it up somehow, pushing random buttons I guess.

Also, at some point in the dream, I remember peeing like 2 liters of pee. I was amazed at just how much pee I had; I didn't think the human body was capable of storing so much pee.
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Jun 6 2018 01:55pm
Had a dream where I was living in a hole in the ground out in the wilderness. The hole was about 10ft deep, and it was only wide enough to fit my body with a little extra room to spin around when sleeping. The walls of the hole were mainly patted soil with a few rock surfaces here and there. I enjoyed my time living in the hole at first, but as the dream went on, I began to realize that the hole was riddled with disgusting insects--spiders, slugs, beetles, and whatnot. Also I noticed there was a turtle in there at one point (turtles are cool though).

There was more to the dream, but I can't quite remember it. I remember I was working for some secret government agency doing covert ops. I was flying this sweet stealth bomber by literally standing on top of it (it was full-sized, so idk how I was flying it by standing on top).

This post was edited by Terps on Jun 6 2018 01:57pm
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Jun 11 2018 09:31pm
Had a dream where Chris, Trish, and some members of Trish's family (Ashley and a few other people I didn't know) invited themselves over completely unexpectedly. I was surprised by this, but they all acted like this was completely normal, acceptable behavior. I offered to make them some kind of meal on the spot, and they took me up on my offer. I think I grilled some chicken, and everyone ate it.

Then I guess everyone started to get bored, so we took the party over to Brandon's parents' house (they were expecting us). I kind of didn't want to join everyone at the party. I was trying to think of a reason why I couldn't go, like a chore I had to do or something like that, but eventually I accepted that the friendly thing to do would be to go with everyone else to the to the party, so I went.

While we were there, Brandon's dad made us all dinner, again, immediately after I had already made everyone food, so we all ate that. Then, while we were there chatting over dinner, I was surprised to find out that, I guess for being guests in his house, we all had to clean up the place. I was tasked with trying to scrub the embedded grease off of the kitchen stove and refrigerator, so I was working really hard at that. I considered leaving discretely before really getting involved with the cleaning process, but then I reasoned that I'd just get in trouble later on, and I didn't want that to happen. So I made the best of a bad situation by just trying to do a real good job with the greasy stove and refrigerator. I was doing a pretty good job with it, getting rid of some really caked-on grease, making the appliances look new again.

Later, I think Brandon's dad (or someone else) was talking about that that troublesome relative you all have (the one who went to jail a few times and stole a bunch of guns from your grandfather). The speaker was recalling the time when Zach punched him in the face. Zach wasn't even there at the party, but I turned around and Zach was suddenly there behind me to tell me all about it with great liveliness, excitedly reenacting the punch and everything.
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Jun 12 2018 08:34am
Wow, long one.

Had a dream where I was a kid again in middle school. It was the first day, and I was new to school. It was kind of overwhelming meeting new teachers, meeting new students, using new lockers, and learning how to get from room to room.

The lockers were especially difficult to use. The locking mechanism involved pressing the correct numbers in sequence on a cheap plastic rubber membrane keypad. All of the numbers were very small (like the size of a pencil tip), close together, and scattered at random across the layout of the plastic cover. In addition, the random layout of number buttons was intermingled with other buttons that performed other random functions, one of which was a distress alarm (similar to a fire alarm, but signaling a school shooter). I pressed the button for the distress alarm, not knowing what it did, and suddenly the alarm went off, signaling that everyone had to evacuate (like you would for a fire alarm, which doesn't even make sense for a school shooting).

I immediately got that hot embarrassment feeling, like I knew this was 100% my fault and I was going to get in trouble. However, I also reasoned that this probably happens all of the time, considering the terrible layout of the number pad on every locker. Anyway, on the way out the door, I saw the principal of the school, who was Jeremy, the vice manager from when I worked at Honda (a dickhole who loved to act like he was in charge, and who got removed from his last job for favoritism, which he still did at Honda). On the spot, I debated whether or not I should admit up-front to the principal that I was the one guilty of pressing the distress button. One the one hand, if I say nothing, maybe they won't find out I did it. On the other hand, they probably have ways of finding out who signaled the alarm anyway, and if I admit up-front that I did it by accident, I'll get in less trouble. The latter logic won out, so I went up to principal Jeremy and admitted what I did. He acknowledged my confession and said he would speak with me later. For now, however, I had to evacuate the school just like everybody else.

The evacuation was complete chaos--like black friday at a major store when a violent hurly-burly breaks out. Students were getting pushed and trampled. Also, some students tried to leave via their cars (doesn't even make sense for middle school). The cars were stylized like cars from Rocket League. I was in a blue Breakout model of car (the RL car that kind of looks like a Ferrari Testarossa). On the way out, I ran over a student with my car. Now I knew I was going to get in trouble for this, too, and this was way more serious.

I'm not sure how the evacuation ended, but the next part involved me and a half dozen other students sitting in the principal's office. Apparently I wasn't the only one to run over a student with my car: several students were injured or killed during the evacuation. The principal showed us all footage of the evacuation from the school's security cameras. They showed me in by blue Breakout running over a student, and then a second Breakout ran over the same student (that student was also in the principal's office). When the student got ran over, it made that cartoonish "demolition" effect from RL. The principal showed another student what he did with his car, but he was crying and couldn't even look at it because he already knew what he had done. As the kid cried, the tape showed him in a car driving really fast (like 70 mph) running straight into an ostrich, taking its legs out and killing it instantly.

The principal said that we were all in trouble, not just with the school system, but with the student body itself: the students wanted revenge on us for injuring or killing other innocent students. Although we would be punished at a later time, the immediate concern was getting us out of the school safely. At this point, I said this was bullshit and went back into the school like everything was normal. I immediately realized the mistake I had made after several students began stalking me. I tried to elude them by going through a bunch of doors and locking them behind me, but eventually I was trapped in the boy's room with no way out. I locked myself in the stall. Eventually my followers broke through the lock and into the bathroom. I then climbed up the stall and into the ceiling by removing one of those cheap cardboard ceiling panels. I could hear the students break into the locked stall behind me, so I crawled around in the ceiling, following water pipes and electrical conduits to other rooms where I might escape. It only led to the girl's room, where I was again cornered. One of my pursuers caught up with me, so I took a handful of the crumbly ceiling panel I had removed (it had a consistency like oatmeal, like there were literally oats in the ceiling panel) and threw it at my pursuer's face like pocket sand. While the student writhed on the ground rubbing his eyes, I darted out of the girls bathroom and managed to make my escape.

I had found safety, but the same could not be said for the other students trapped in the school (the few who were guilty of injuring/killing others during the evacuation). I felt compelled to help others escape, so I did. I helped other guilty students evacuate until there was only one left. The final student sent me an email message saying that he needed my help. I was getting kind of cocky and full of myself at this point as "The Rescuer," so instead of just humbly responding to his email, I sent this MS Paint response with a crudely drawn clown saying something like, "I'll help you if you can help me," followed by an algebraic word problem involving the number of balloons the clown was holding. The trapped student had to solve the word problem and then I would rescue him. Idk how this turned out.
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Jun 13 2018 09:54am
Had a dream where Pokemon were real, or maybe I was just a Pokemon master in the fictional Pokemon universe. Regardless, I was going around catching Pokemon with my bad-ass crew. I encountered this really vicious ekans, which was renowned locally for being especially mean and dangerous, and beat the fuck out of him with my Dragonite and captured him with a master ball (kind of unnecessary to beat him up with a master ball though). After using the master ball, the ekans became really docile. I owned him now, although after all that work, I didn't even add him to my crew, since ekans and arbok suck anyway.

Later in the dream, or perhaps in another dream, I was in Miami near the beach. The area, we thought, had been saved from a Super Mutant apocalypse; we were just waiting for aerial evacuation since most of the automobiles and infrastructure was ruined. However, help was nowhere in sight, and the area was in imminent danger of flooding. I noticed that several people were starting to head north by foot, tiredly backpacking their meager belongings with them. I looked to the shore, and a tidal surge (yes, surge, not wave) like 500ft high was headed right for us. The area was going to be permanently submerged under water. I knew I had to escape, and to do so, I had to make it through this abandoned stairwell, which led to a the top of a skyscraper with high enough elevation to save me from the flooding. Loud and disgusting brown water rushed into the stairwell as I ascended the steps; I made it out just in time.

Once I made it to the top of the stairwell, I was able to survey the remnants of the city: only the topmost parts of the taller buildings were spared from the flooding, and even the dry parts were badly damaged from high winds and flying debris. Furthermore, the city was still besieged by super mutants. Survivors did the best they could to make homes for themselves amongst the wreckage, but there were still active long-range gun battles with super mutants surviving in other buildings (basically humans and mutants taking pot-shots at each other from super far away just on the off-chance you actually kill someone).

The climax of the dream came when I donned some kind of hover-pack and floated from building to building, trying to clear out super mutants to expand human settlement throughout the remains of the city. In the northern reaches of the city, where the buildings were at their tallest, I encountered the super mutant stronghold. I was taking out super mutants while wearing some sick power armor, using a whole range of sweet weapons (snipers, assault rifles, etc.) to take out mutants. I was pinned down in the crater atop a skyscraper at one point, but I managed to fight my way out of it. I'm doing a shitty job of explaining the action, but just imagine a truly epic Fallout battle with super mutants, only the setting is in a flooded, ruined Miami, flying from skyscraper to skyscraper in hovering power armor.

Also, at some point in my dream, I thought to myself "why didn't everyone just evacuate with ships/boats if the roads and cars were ruined?," as if exposing a plot hole within the dream itself. Although no ship is going to survive a truly epic storm surge anyway.
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Jun 19 2018 11:34am
Had a dream where I got in trouble for a tweet (I don't tweet). I read some article about the Vatican looking for a full-time male child concubine, paying a rate of $50/hour. I sent out a tweet along the lines of "You'd be crazy not to take this job. I'm not gay, but $50 is $50."

Then someone came knocking at the door some days later. I was still a kid in my dream (ideal priest-bait), so my parents answered the door. It was the pope himself accompanied by some other random priest who looked just like the old guy from The Exorcist (but it wasn't him). They told my parents about my tweet. I tried to backtrack my way out of it. I thought my parents would help me talk my way out of it, but my they thought this would be a good teaching moment, telling me "you can't tell people you'd do something and then not do it. You have to be a man of your word."

I honestly don't remember getting raped specifically. I don't think that was physically shown as a part of my dream, but it was accepted that it happened (I guess dreams have a cinematic quality to them). I remember my bedroom looked like a tornado hit it: child's clothes everywhere, bed sheets all pulled up and hanging off the bed, closet door open, dresser drawers opened randomly with clothes hanging out. The implication was clear.

I was crying in my room. My dad came in to put a moral to the story on this life lesson, and to try and cheer me up because my family was about to come over and meet the pope and he didn't want me crying in front of them.

So the Greek half of my family came over for a casual get-together (the same old 10 people or so, not even catholic). The usual snacks were served: tiropitas, dolmathes, hummus, fresh veggies, etc. They were mostly all gathered in the living room, snacking and making conversation with the pope and his sidekick, asking questions. I was centered between the pope and the other priest on a couch. I wasn't eating or talking, just remaining somber and quiet because I wanted all of this to end quickly and without the family finding out why the pope was here. I remember thinking that, listening to the pope talk, he was actually a pretty nice guy outside of raping children.

The other priest, however, was a real deviant with a hidden evil side that only those he victimized would know about--a seemingly nice guy to friends and family, but a bad person deep down. At one point, my family asked the priest how he knew the family, and I don't remember what he said, but he did that thing gesture where he tapped his fingers repeatedly on my head like Zed and the gimp from Pulp Fiction--a gesture the family would not question, but which he and I knew was a sign of ownership and dominance. I was utterly disgusted and sickened by him.

At some point, the priest I hated got up to get some more cut veggies and hummus. I noticed that there was this pile of shit on the carpet, which was unremarkable at first, but it began to move, and it had a faint rainbow shimmer like the residue left by a slug. People were inadvertently stepping in the pile of shit, tracking it throughout the house, yet the individual pieces of the shit were pulsating like a larva or maggot. I pointed it out to everyone because I found it remarkable--shit is not supposed to pulsate and have bits of color. However, as the priest sat back down, he informed me and everyone else in a very matter-of-fact tone that that's just what happens when you have a lot of fluoride in your diet.

--

Second dream my dad and I were visiting a neat little place to stroll near the water, a lot like the promenade in Havre de Grace (I'll just assume it was the mouth of the Susquehanna in Havre de Grace). You could walk on sections of floating plastic docks and see the water. There was this cool thing where you could be released into the water on a floating section of dock, and a boat would come pick you up once you were kind of in the middle of the body of water, so my dad and I did this, sharing the platform with another guy with two young kids (like 5 and 7 years old, girl and boy).

The platform went out into the middle of the water, which was pretty cool because the shores were very far away, and you could see all of the land from a distance. The little tug boat came out to ferry us back to shore. However, as the tug boat was about 20ft away, something happened: it began to sink rapidly. Apparently some sharks had cut into the hull (kind of like in Jaws) causing the boat to sink. I was scared, because who knew if the sharks were going to try and do the same to the floating dock we were on, or try to flip the whole dock with their swimming current like orca whales do to seals on bits of ice.

There was really nothing we could do; we just had to hope that the current would eventually take us back to shore. I remember discovering that the guy sharing the dock with us had a little cooler of dried citrus fruits (lemons, limes, grapefruits--terrible fruits to eat on their own), feeling a sense of relief that, not only had we something to eat, but a food source that would prevent scurvy.

Remarkably, late in the day, with the sun just barely providing dim yellow light, the dock was only about a 1/2 mile away from the shore--the current must have carried us to shore a good ways. The guy we were with managed to rig up repairs for an old, decrepit, outboard boat motor (he didn't have this before). It was one of those little electric motors you'd see on a tiny boat for calm, fresh-water boating--way underpowered to really move the dock on which we were floating. Nevertheless, it moved us slowly but surely.

We were like 300ft away from the shore by sunrise--tantalizingly close enough to swim, but swimming wouldn't have been much faster than we were already moving, and the water was that really gross brown color that is kind of dirty/polluted (just like upstream Susquehanna). It was right about here when we noticed a whale fin dipping into the water uncomfortably close to the dock. That whale could flip the dock and kill us all if it got too close. Then several porpoises started jetting across the water, creating quite a current, enough to violently shake the floating dock. I thought maybe they were trying to kill us, but it turned out they were on our side, fighting off some sharks that were trying to kill us.

Eventually the floating dock made its way to shore. It was really hard to get to shore though, as the shoreline was a sheer rock wall with only unstable pieces of driftwood at its base serving as something to walk on to get to an accessible shoreline. We eventually made it to shore though. Also I realized Tom Brady and Giselle had been on board the dock with us the whole time. Once we made it to shore, I made this joke to Brady and his wife that was so forced and awkward that it made me cringe afterwards: "they had ought to put that raft in the hall of fame." I think Tom gave a cordial laugh, but I could tell it was forced, and I felt like such a loser. The dream ended not in triumph but in shame.
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Jun 22 2018 11:58am
Had a dream that started with there being this humongous tarantula outside, like the size of a football. I had to somehow let the cat in without letting the tarantula in, because the cat was in obvious danger, but you just know as soon as you open the door the tarantula is coming inside. I asked the mexican landscaper I owned if he had ever seen a tarantula that big, and he said something like "it's a real whopper" or some such.

Then I was in downtown Bel Air, and there was this woman in her 50s. She looked drunk, and I could tell she was planning something. The woman lifted up her skirt and exposed her giant, mammoth horse cock, like the girthiest thing you've ever seen and long too.

Then Chris took action. He was in civilian clothes, but he was carrying his pistol and had his badge. He was hasteling the transgender woman, asking him to move along and stop exposing himself. Chris was also flipping at the tip of the woman's pecker, which I thought was inconsiderate and not something a police officer should do, and I was at internal conflict because Chris is my friend, but he's clearly being rude to this person.

Chris had successfully convinced the trans woman to move along. However, then a second tranny joined the scene, inciting an altercation with the first tranny (similar to something you'd see on Cops). The two started to slap each other. Chris felt it necessary to get involved again, so he was getting between the two trannies, trying to calm them down.

Tempers seemed like they had been successfully quelled. To my surprise and amazement, Chris suddenly performs this totally unnecessary yet impressive roundhouse kick to the face of the first tranny (he was wearing some tactical boots, so it probably hurt a lot). The tranny violently fell to the ground. Then, expecting retaliation from the second tranny, Chris preemptively engages the second tranny by punching him swiftly and repeatedly in the face until the tranny loses balance and falls to the ground. This was completely unnecessary, as Chris had calmed the two individuals peacefully. Again, I was experiencing an internal conflict: Chris is my friend, but he's abusing his power by using what seemed to be excessive force. Nevertheless, the situation was resolved because the two transsexuals were defeated.

Later Chris and I went back home where I live. We were hanging out, talking and stuff, and then a couple gang members show up to rob the place. Again, Chris takes action. He draws his pistol and racks the slide, taking cover behind the door of the shitty '91 Civic I used to own. I was immediately struck by the gaudiness of Chris' pistol: it had a brilliant nickel-plated finish and a pearl handle--hardly what I would expect him to carry. Frankly it was ugly; I especially hate a pearl finish.

I went inside to find my phone, since it seemed like this situation was escalating quickly, and I got my pistol too, since I figured I should help. I came back out with my phone and gun. Chris was already riddled with bullet holes, lying in the backseat of the Civic with his shirt soaked with blood. I thought to myself "wow, I guess I had better call 911." I don't remember what happened after that. I think the impetus for this dream was me heading into west Baltimore yesterday for a job interview.

This post was edited by Terps on Jun 22 2018 12:02pm
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Jul 1 2018 12:51pm
Had a dream where I was driving my car, but the brake was barely working (the handbrake inside the car that I use to push the pedal was only moving like an inch). I rear-ended three separate cars on the way to where I was driving. I knew I was in big trouble, but I didn't want to admit I had a problem.

Well, eventually I made it to my destination. I was driving myself to a museum for a class field trip (I was back in HS). It was really crowded with students, and everyone was on their phone so the wifi was really bad. Then I realized most of the students were actually mannequins made to look like people. The truth was that Russia was using these mannequins holding phones to their ears to abuse the wifi at the museum. Somehow, by using this specific museum IP address, these Russian hacker mannequins were able to infiltrate various web security systems abroad. I believe they were attacking Italy specifically (which is appropriate because Russia did attack Italy's democratic system irl).

Anyway, I met up with some friends from HS at the museum after exploring around a bit. They tossed me a cool shirt to wear, which said "Mah Nigga" in large Arial font and had Stevie Wonder posed in the background doing a double finger-gun pose. I put on the shirt.

While exploring the museum, I noticed Charles Barkley, Magic Johnson, and some other famous basketball players rushing down the hallway with Magic Johnson on a hospital gurney being pushed down the hallway. Apparently he needed surgery of some kind. I knew that if they saw my shirt then it might start a conflict, so I kind of hid the front of my shirt by pressing my body against the wall, making it look like I was trying to make way for the gurney. However, Charles Barkley saw my shirt, and then he initiated an argument with me. I was coerced into following Charles into the hospital room where Magic Johnson was receiving surgical treatment.

While in the hospital room, Charles was really laying into me because I was wearing a shirt that said "nigga" on it. I didn't really say anything; just listened to him chew me out, throwing in an occasional "yes/no" to answer his rhetorical questions.

The tirade was disrupted once Magic Johnson started groaning in agony. I made a comment about how he was going to die from AIDS. That was like throwing a rock at a bees' nest, as then Charles Barkley got even more angry with me. Charles violently rebuked me, and then he took my cellphone and threw it on the ground, where it broke into pieces.

Magic Johnson eventually died. His entourage left the room solemnly, and I was all alone in the museum. It was eerily quiet, as if this part of the museum had been abandoned for years. I wandered the museum's old, abandoned exhibits for over an hour. Some of them were really scary, involving fossils of giant spiders, living spiders, and resurrected fossils of giant spiders that were living. Spiders would fall from the ceiling and try to get in your hair (this was part of the exhibit).

Eventually, however, I found an exit. The museum exit was in London. I had to call for someone to come pick me up from the museum (since my car was broken), but I had no phone to make a call since Charles Barkley smashed it. I began harassing people to give me their phone, but no one would.

This post was edited by Terps on Jul 1 2018 12:56pm
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Jul 10 2018 08:52am
Had a dream where I was at a party chatting up some ladies, having a good time. I was trying to keep them laughing and entertained so they'd like me, so I made some kind of boastful statement that I could sew a zipper to my scrotum. I said it in jest, but someone at the party actually called me on it and asked to see me do it. Fuck. So I asked everyone to leave the room, since I needed some privacy. I didn't know what to do.

Eventually I built up enough courage to take the "Honda The Professionals" pen knife I keep with my car keys and slice open my scrotum, which, when opened, revealed a soft, hairless inner scrotum. Whew, I was in the clear; didn't think it'd be that easy. Then I took off the hooded sweatshirt I was wearing (a gross creamsicle orange color), cut off the sleeve, and started sewing.

After I had finished sewing I realized I had fucked it all up, since I was supposed to sew a zipper, not a sleeve, so I had this absurd orange hoodie sleeve hanging off of my outer scrotum like a limp elephant's trunk.

Everyone started coming back into the room because I said I was done. I tried to hide it and downplay the whole thing, but of course they wanted to know how it went, so I showed them, and they all laughed at me.
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Jul 16 2018 01:06pm
Had a dream a few days ago. I was a kid in like middle school, and we all went on a field trip to some museum. We were each given a roll of toilet paper, which we had to hide somewhere in the bathroom. After we did this, the students were then thrown together into a simulation of the game Doom (original). Each student's spawn point correlated with where they hid their roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. So I was going through the level, killing monsters and shit. Was pretty cool.

Had a ream last night where I was getting ready for school (like 9th or 10th grade). I had to shave my pubes and make sure my skin was really smooth or else the teacher would yell at me. So I shaved up really well... except for all of those scraggly ball hairs. I wasn't sure what to do about them, since they were hard to get with a razor, and I didn't want to nick my sack. I thought about just going to school with a hairy sack, but before I could leave--reminiscent of when an adult would look at your unwashed hands before dinner and tell you to clean up--my mom looked at my scrotum and told me to march back in the bathroom and do a better job or else I'd get in trouble with the teacher and she wouldn't hear the end of it.

This post was edited by Terps on Jul 16 2018 01:07pm
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