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Jan 1 2018 09:15am
I find this somewhat awkward to post but jsp has always been a place I could vent with friends and really the only place I find comfortable writing any of this down.

Firstly I'll start with a reflection of 2017 aswell as earlier years and continue on with what I plan to do with 2018. From there I may do daily, weekly, monthly or never update this again, who knows.

2017 has been a mixture of good and bad. I have done a fair amount of travelling, partying and made new friends. I bought a second house with my partner (now ex) and had other plans of travel in the future including numerous weddings to attend.

We were always perceived as the perfect couple. We never showed any signs of fighting or drama to any of our friends or family and our breakup came as a huge shock to everyone. I had thought about breaking up with her 2-3 months ago but the pressures of the second house, our family and friend groups etc was a bit too much. We had a few big fights and broke up just before Christmas (not the best of timing). Overall it was a clean breakup but we will no longer be friends. I will be paying two mortgages on my own once the second house is built (~18-24 months).

Over the past 5-6 years I have been using copious amounts of party drugs and abusing them as well as alcohol. I would say anywhere from $60,000-$80,000 has been used on "partying". The amount of nights I haven't slept, the days I have stayed in bed for literally days recovering and the toll it has probably taken on my body are indescribable. Even now typing this I have been out partying 6 out of the last 11 days. Coming down now is probably attributing to the thoughts that I need to write down.

Some things I want to do in 2018 include:-

Start a business degree to help further my career.
Continue to pay my first home mortgage and the interest on the second loan.
Get away from the party scene as much as I can if not completely.
Rekindle my love for the gym, beach and being outdoors.
Although I'm not looking for a relationship as such, I am lonely after having someone with me for basically the last 5 years (seperate girlfriends) so if that was to happen, cool.
See more of my family and either make new friends with better interests or create new interests with my existing friends.
Just be happier overall.

As I said I will try to keep this updated even if it becomes a food diary or something I appreciated throughout the day.

Ben

This post was edited by bjones9 on Jan 1 2018 09:16am
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Jan 2 2018 05:11am
Today I planned on waking up, going to the gym, going to the beach and meal prepping my meals for the next 3 days.

I woke up at 8am feeling absolutely Shit - there is definitely still drugs in my system from New Year's Eve / New Year's Day and I am still comin down badly. After waking up at 8am I went to the bathroom then back to bed until 1pm. From there I didn't move until I walked upstairs and laid on the lounge. I drank about 4L of water over a few hours and forced myself to eat.

Today was not the inspirational change I was hoping for.

Tomorrow I go back to work after being off for 2 weeks with a fractured toe. I will take my gym gear and head to the gym directly afterwards. Or so I hope.
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Jan 3 2018 05:31am
First day back at work after having fractured my foot. It was good to be back in a routine. I was feeling a lot better as the comedown has starred to wear off. I received a message from my best friend with the sad news of his dad passing away from leaukemia the night before...it seems I cannot catch a break.

Aside from that terrible, terrible news my day was good. I woke up early and ate a good breakfast. Ate a good lunch at work and went to the gym for the first time this year. I had lost 6kg in 2 weeks from bendering but felt quite good in the gym.

After the gym I visited my family and played with my nephews. Since being single I seem to be spending more time with my family purely because I hate being alone in my own home. After eating an early dinner with them I came home and did all the chores I had been avoiding whilst coming down from drugs. I then made myself a second dinner and relaxed.

Aside from the news of my friends dad passing, today was the best day I've had in a long while both mentally and physically.
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Jan 4 2018 05:05am
So the last few nights I've had a lot of trouble sleeping. This is probably due to me staying up for days on end over the last 2 weeks and my body clock is shot. I've been going to bed at 10pm but falling asleep around 3:30am and having to be up for work at 7:30. Hopefully I'll fall into a more routine sleeping pattern ASAP because I know I can't keep up with this minimal sleep.

Aside from that I've been forcing myself to eat and have been eating better, whole foods. I'm still feeling sad randomly throughout the day but it seems to be moreso when I think about my friends dad passing as opposed to general life.

It's now 10pm and I've set an alarm for 6am to try to get to the gym early. If not I'll go after work.

Thank you to sQuL for the kind PM.
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Jan 5 2018 05:28am
Another day of work, gym and eating properly. I also bought a new laptop so once I can be bothered I won't be using my phone to do literally everything internet related on it..

On a side note I've been thinking and struggle to find anything that makes me truly happy or has made me happy in a long time.

Owning two houses at the age of 27 is cool and all but if I were to lose them and all the money I have tomorrow...I wouldn't particularly care too much.

I once read that happiness is formed by overcoming certain challenges or goals. I need to find a hobby or something I am truly passionate at to challenge myself and make myself happy when I beat this goal.

Being the insanely affectionate person I am I tend to struggle and think of these thoughts at night when I am alone (the majority of nights since being single). It's an odd feeling.
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Jan 6 2018 06:25am
Woke up early and got to the gym. I'm starting to put on some of the 6-8kg I lost during the bender. Looking and feeling better.

Lately I've been dreading the thought of going home. I spent longer at the gym and went directly from there home, ate and straight to work. Even though I was finishing late (7:30pm) I still took swimmers and went to the beach directly after...the beach has always been a sanctuary for me to relax. I went for a long walk before having a swim. I didn't get home until around 9pm...cooked dinner, ate and bummed around. I had multiple messages from friends asking to go drink but I declined. I know myself and if I have a few drinks I'll end up doing other things.

Another stress I've been facing is the financial situation of only having one income. I got hit with $1500 of bills today. That coupled with saving money to pay out my ex to own both houses and general living is going to be tight.

Doing more during the day is rewarding but I can tell it will drain me. The hatred of being alone at home pushes me to do more for longer.

On a positive note I've made it through the weekend without alcohol or drugs 😊
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Jan 7 2018 06:36am
After work I went to the gym as per usual. Had a good session even though it was 44C here today. After that I went to the beach and got roasted.

I bought myself a new laptop so spent a bit of time setting that up. I haven’t played any games in approximately 4 years...may play something but no idea what and nothing that takes up a whole lot of time.

Randomly had a girl I used to flirt with message me asking if I was single...she has a boyfriend. We chatted for a few hours. Was not expecting it at all honestly haha...see what happens.

The paperwork for the refinancing of the second house should be done this week...hopefully all goes well and I’ll have one less stress.

On a side note it’s been a week today without any alcohol or drugs. It’s amazing how different I already look and feel.
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Jan 8 2018 04:50am
Got up early and went to the gym etc. Had my friends dads funeral today so that wasn’t the best, it was nice to be there for him though.

Myself and 3 other school friends drank a lot after the wake. No drugs involved but I definitely felt like I could have taken some. I still enjoyed myself drinking around my friends but not on the same level - being a Monday night there was no where to go in town either so no real point of going hard.

One of my best friends from high school is moving home after 6 years this week, he came to the funeral.

On the car ride home I basically told my absolute best friends that if we go out for drinks I need them to not allow me to do drugs and that I think I have a problem. Luckily they are super supportive and will do anything for me. It was a big deal for me telling them and basically confessing to anyone that I think I have a problem.

It’s only early (9:45pm) so I’ll still cook a meal and eat etc

Interesting night but overall I’m glad I told someone, especially being my best friends I think I have a problem.
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Jan 9 2018 06:34am
Woke up a little hungover after yesterday but still got up and went to the gym etc. I’m certainly feeling better physically

My fractured foot is feeling better too which is nice.

Taking a few girls on dates this week and have 2
Weeks holidays after Thursday. Gym, beach and seeing family / friends is all I plan on doing
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Jan 13 2018 11:37am
Had taken a girl on some dates and all is going well. Meeting up with her again tomorrow.

Saturday night and one of my best friends has moved home from QLD...we had some drinks. They ended up going home and I met up with some other friends. I ended up taking 4 pills just because I was drinking and everyone else was...

Sobering up a bit now and feeling super terrible about myself now.

I’m scared but I legit think I have a problem with drugs.

I made it 13 days, that’s it...
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