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Jun 4 2017 05:08pm
So I have never been in a serious relationship before and just got through an ugly breakup with my first serious girlfriend. I am wondering how long it usually takes you guys to "get over" something like this. We lived together for a year and a half, maybe a little over, and spent a huge amount of time together.

I am just having a hugely difficult time getting over her. Every little thing about my apartment reminds me of her, given that we lived together for just about the whole time I lived there, and in addition to the breakup I have had some problems with depression throughout my whole life.

Over the past month and a half or so I have noticed it has gotten a little bit easier but I still have a hard time sleeping at night, can't get her out of my mind most of the time and find myself torturing myself by checking her social media shit and seeing new pictures she posts. To my knowledge she hasn't been with anyone else but the idea of her being with other people makes me really sad.

Any advice on how you guys got over women (or men if there are women on here)?
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Jun 4 2017 06:38pm
Stop checking her social media. Unsubscribe to her Facebook so her feed stops showing up. I recommend not deleting her, some people will say otherwise, but I think you just come off as being totally butthurt if you do that (I don't like to burn bridges or create more unnecessary drama). Maybe even consider disabling your social media or stop logging in, I haven't had it for years and I prefer it this way.
If you keep checking up on her you will stay focused on the past.

And it's different for everybody, in my opinion, you're moreso over them once you find somebody else.
Until then the thoughts are just going to keep fading. Or that's how it's worked for me.

At first it's brutal, I internalize a lot of my mistakes or what-ifs, this is going to sound really weak, but when I've been really into the girl I will actually be stressed to the point where I'm nauseous at times, my work performance suffers and i lose my appetite. This will happen for about 2-3 weeks, sometimes it comes delayed. Like starting a week or two after it ends.
My positive hobbies fall off like working out, but then I eventually get back in tune with myself and start working out, getting involved with great hobbies, new people, living my purpose, etc.
And then I can start reattracting new women and I project a new sense of confidence and actually become a better person because of ithe (and able to attract better women).

You will still think about her on a rare occasion, but the thoughts won't bother you so much anymore. It's just a curiosity.

I always recommend going no contact after break ups, meaning, unless I was the one that ended it (it's rarely the guy that ends things), I won't reach out to her unless she contacts me (no I don't ignore women if they reach out, that's just immature and foolish). Once shes made it clear that she no longer wants you, its pointless to do otherwise. It helps both in the healing process and showing her and yourself that you have the strength to move on (which helps rekindle things also ironically between a distant lover), because there is the chance that you two won't speak again. And she will recognize that. If she still has some interest left, at some point in time, she WILL reach out. A lot of times with a BS reason, like saying shes just checking up on you, wishing you happy groundhogs day or whatever the hell it is. If she does that she's either testing the waters for the future, or she already wants to see you again.

Regardless until then, or if that ever happens, I act as if it's over forever, I start talking to new women and look for the next great person to come into my life. And. Every next women I've found has been amazing in a new way, of course not all things pan out at times and this scenario reloops. But I always stay hopeful and look forward for the future.

This post was edited by GLYC123 on Jun 4 2017 06:52pm
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Jun 5 2017 12:55am
Get on benzo to take the edge off so you can sleep, stop being a creeper. Have some self control and stop checking her social media and fuck other girls.
Really, sleeping with other woman is the easiest way to get over someone else
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Jun 5 2017 01:08am
Quote (GLYC123 @ 4 Jun 2017 19:38)
Stop checking her social media. Unsubscribe to her Facebook so her feed stops showing up. I recommend not deleting her, some people will say otherwise, but I think you just come off as being totally butthurt if you do that (I don't like to burn bridges or create more unnecessary drama). Maybe even consider disabling your social media or stop logging in, I haven't had it for years and I prefer it this way.
If you keep checking up on her you will stay focused on the past.

And it's different for everybody, in my opinion, you're moreso over them once you find somebody else.
Until then the thoughts are just going to keep fading. Or that's how it's worked for me.

At first it's brutal, I internalize a lot of my mistakes or what-ifs, this is going to sound really weak, but when I've been really into the girl I will actually be stressed to the point where I'm nauseous at times, my work performance suffers and i lose my appetite. This will happen for about 2-3 weeks, sometimes it comes delayed. Like starting a week or two after it ends.
My positive hobbies fall off like working out, but then I eventually get back in tune with myself and start working out, getting involved with great hobbies, new people, living my purpose, etc.
And then I can start reattracting new women and I project a new sense of confidence and actually become a better person because of ithe (and able to attract better women).

You will still think about her on a rare occasion, but the thoughts won't bother you so much anymore. It's just a curiosity.

I always recommend going no contact after break ups, meaning, unless I was the one that ended it (it's rarely the guy that ends things), I won't reach out to her unless she contacts me (no I don't ignore women if they reach out, that's just immature and foolish). Once shes made it clear that she no longer wants you, its pointless to do otherwise. It helps both in the healing process and showing her and yourself that you have the strength to move on (which helps rekindle things also ironically between a distant lover), because there is the chance that you two won't speak again. And she will recognize that. If she still has some interest left, at some point in time, she WILL reach out. A lot of times with a BS reason, like saying shes just checking up on you, wishing you happy groundhogs day or whatever the hell it is. If she does that she's either testing the waters for the future, or she already wants to see you again.

Regardless until then, or if that ever happens, I act as if it's over forever, I start talking to new women and look for the next great person to come into my life. And. Every next women I've found has been amazing in a new way, of course not all things pan out at times and this scenario reloops. But I always stay hopeful and look forward for the future.


Great advice. I have nothing else to add or amend.
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Jun 6 2017 02:45am
i would recommend moving to a different apartment (because being in an environment that reminds you of her is going to slow down the process)
however is kind of extreme but should consider it if things get bad
to stop creeping her social media, start going out on dates with other grills
humans can't simply "stop" thinking about something as easily
but they can replace it with someone else, which is called "active correction"
so the fastest way to replace your thoughts of her is to not just stop thinking about her, but to go out with other grills at the same time
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Jun 6 2017 09:27am
there is a lot of good advice in here

just live life. A mistake so many make is the jump from person to person and doing the same shit gets the same results.

Have fun as yourself enjoying your life and if you meet someone cool and if you don't you don't. Stay social and active and do what feels right but let yourself heal.

The better the place you are in when you fall in love again the better that relationship will be

What really helps me is being the best person I can be after a breakup. It helps combat a lot of the self-issues that are a side effect of breakups. Help more, love more, always stay and do positive

The happier we are alone and with ourselves the better we are at picking a compatible person.
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Jun 6 2017 05:04pm
Quote (GLYC123 @ Jun 5 2017 12:38am)
Stop checking her social media. Unsubscribe to her Facebook so her feed stops showing up. I recommend not deleting her, some people will say otherwise, but I think you just come off as being totally butthurt if you do that (I don't like to burn bridges or create more unnecessary drama). Maybe even consider disabling your social media or stop logging in, I haven't had it for years and I prefer it this way.
If you keep checking up on her you will stay focused on the past.

And it's different for everybody, in my opinion, you're moreso over them once you find somebody else.
Until then the thoughts are just going to keep fading. Or that's how it's worked for me.

At first it's brutal, I internalize a lot of my mistakes or what-ifs, this is going to sound really weak, but when I've been really into the girl I will actually be stressed to the point where I'm nauseous at times, my work performance suffers and i lose my appetite. This will happen for about 2-3 weeks, sometimes it comes delayed. Like starting a week or two after it ends.
My positive hobbies fall off like working out, but then I eventually get back in tune with myself and start working out, getting involved with great hobbies, new people, living my purpose, etc.
And then I can start reattracting new women and I project a new sense of confidence and actually become a better person because of ithe (and able to attract better women).

You will still think about her on a rare occasion, but the thoughts won't bother you so much anymore. It's just a curiosity.

I always recommend going no contact after break ups, meaning, unless I was the one that ended it (it's rarely the guy that ends things), I won't reach out to her unless she contacts me (no I don't ignore women if they reach out, that's just immature and foolish). Once shes made it clear that she no longer wants you, its pointless to do otherwise. It helps both in the healing process and showing her and yourself that you have the strength to move on (which helps rekindle things also ironically between a distant lover), because there is the chance that you two won't speak again. And she will recognize that. If she still has some interest left, at some point in time, she WILL reach out. A lot of times with a BS reason, like saying shes just checking up on you, wishing you happy groundhogs day or whatever the hell it is. If she does that she's either testing the waters for the future, or she already wants to see you again.

Regardless until then, or if that ever happens, I act as if it's over forever, I start talking to new women and look for the next great person to come into my life. And. Every next women I've found has been amazing in a new way, of course not all things pan out at times and this scenario reloops. But I always stay hopeful and look forward for the future.


Thanks for taking the time to write this out, I appreciate it. I think I agree that when I do eventually start seeing other people it'll be hugely beneficial, just sucks in the meantime.

Some context for the rest:

I broke up with her and she's blocked me on all her social media stuff.

Long story short she deliberated led me to believe she had been using a contraceptive in order for her to get pregnant. She has two daughters, one is separated from her, and I think the impulse to functionally replace her drove her to do that. She always wanted a baby much more than I did. She ended up miscarrying our son in the second trimester, so I had to see my unborn son basically "born" in person, so that sucked a lot and I hated to leave her in the wake of that but a month or so later we were just fighting so much and she had been drinking and I couldn't do it anymore.

Shit sucks.
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Jun 6 2017 07:44pm
Quote (Kamahl16 @ Jun 6 2017 06:04pm)
Thanks for taking the time to write this out, I appreciate it. I think I agree that when I do eventually start seeing other people it'll be hugely beneficial, just sucks in the meantime.

Some context for the rest:

I broke up with her and she's blocked me on all her social media stuff.

Long story short she deliberated led me to believe she had been using a contraceptive in order for her to get pregnant. She has two daughters, one is separated from her, and I think the impulse to functionally replace her drove her to do that. She always wanted a baby much more than I did. She ended up miscarrying our son in the second trimester, so I had to see my unborn son basically "born" in person, so that sucked a lot and I hated to leave her in the wake of that but a month or so later we were just fighting so much and she had been drinking and I couldn't do it anymore.

Shit sucks.


Well power to you for walking away from that shitty situation, esp while you were into the woman. Most guys can't do that.

Honestly you're better with a woman that's a good communicator, assuming you are good too. Women that lack those skills will just lead things to unnecessary drama. Example, lying about contraceptives (really fucked up by the way), and blocking you (im assuming you weren't harassing her or acting hostile/weird and it was done to spite you).
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Jun 7 2017 04:20pm
Quote (Kamahl16 @ Jun 4 2017 04:08pm)
So I have never been in a serious relationship before and just got through an ugly breakup with my first serious girlfriend. I am wondering how long it usually takes you guys to "get over" something like this. We lived together for a year and a half, maybe a little over, and spent a huge amount of time together.

I am just having a hugely difficult time getting over her. Every little thing about my apartment reminds me of her, given that we lived together for just about the whole time I lived there, and in addition to the breakup I have had some problems with depression throughout my whole life.

Over the past month and a half or so I have noticed it has gotten a little bit easier but I still have a hard time sleeping at night, can't get her out of my mind most of the time and find myself torturing myself by checking her social media shit and seeing new pictures she posts. To my knowledge she hasn't been with anyone else but the idea of her being with other people makes me really sad.

Any advice on how you guys got over women (or men if there are women on here)?


The hardest part about the initial break up period is the underlying superlatives in everyday nuances that remind you of the good times. You'll find you'll remember them far more when you do see them, and it will heal the hurt. I say this because only when we know who we are, and what we need, are we truly able to be free.

The ticks, the angst, it washes away simply with time. As a species, our time here is very limited. Your conscience will do you a favor with each passing day, as long as you don't sit on your heels and wait for the thoughts to enter, and turn your optimism into chagrin and a sour taste.

They say on average, for every 6 months you spent together, you need a week of healing. For a serious 18 months, this rounds down to 3 weeks. But everybody is different. It might take a month, it might take two, but the best thing you can do (imo) is get outside and engage humanity. In this day and age where the world is upside down, whites are black and blacks are white, you have to challenge yourself to be above the pain. Go out and lift some weights, see some old friends, take time with your family, and invest in yourself. Be the best you can be, so that when you find that next sparkle, that next muse, that next love, you can be prepared for it. You have to seize the day, and endure. As men, it is our internal struggle; to find our place among the societal pack, and be who we are born to be. I cannot comment on women, as I am not a woman.

Boy does it get easier knowing a woman loves you, and is there for you, at the end of those daily battles. But you know who else you have? Yourself. Family. Friends. Those pretentious fucks in the JSP Love Line, or whatever subforum you frequent. You're taking the right steps already! Asking for help, airing it out, these are just gut instincts that I promise you are the correct measures. Don't beat yourself up mentally. Challenge yourself to be better than the day before. That's all there is to life man; be a better man than yesterday. The past allows us to remember the scars and the lessons learned. Close that door, and open the next.

She's always going to be a part of you. It was your first serious relationship. You have already outlined and detailed that she was not the one for you. This does not make you broken or cruel, or lost. It makes you human; fatal and flawed in every sense of the word. Chin up. Stuart Scott my man; clear eyes, full heart, can't lose.

Fill your heart with the love and pride you have in yourself. Dust off the PF Flyers and go run the city blocks. Help an old lady across the street. Live your life the best way possible, and the dividends this will pay will be ten-fold. This love that is no more? Simply your first step on becoming who you were born to be. Time. It will take care of the cold spot on the bed. It will heal the shows and movies you loved to share with her. For right now, separate from those thoughts, and move on.

GLY nailed it. Detach from that situation. It's ok to be curious; you loved her. But for yourself, your pride, your dignity, don't ever fucking settle. You hear me? Go get what you want. Simply; figure out what you want, and go get it. Sometimes this takes years to figure out.

You seem like the kind of guy who values honesty, integrity, and commitment. Take those principles and invest in yourself. You'll find food tastes better, the air is more refreshing, and the women more lovely.

You'll be ok man. I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but these are principles that I witnessed my father take when my mother cheated on him, and through my failed relationships. He's doing great, I'm doing great. It just took some time and effort.

Clear eyes, full heart, can't lose. Always hope, never fear. Don't settle for less. Chin up, chest out, shirt tucked in, proud of who you are, the scars you have earned.
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Jun 16 2017 12:38am
Here are some of my advice:

Delete her from all social media. Out of sight, out of mind.

Hang out with your friends. Being around other people will help. If you need someone to talk to or vent, make sure you have friends who are just down to listen.

Go travel for a little bit or longer if you can. Know that you will be OK by yourself.

Try dating apps. Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, whatever floats your boat...
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