Quote (iam_juggernaut @ Dec 15 2018 05:19pm)
Pat im going to start a new pen name and name it Pat (something) after you because im going to start writing weird shit and weird shit always reminds me of you
alright laura, I just finished the first chapter of my bigfoot erotica, how much money am I going to make?
I arrived at the Café shortly before the afternoon lunch rush. To say I was anxious would be an unforgiveable understatement. As I sat down in the leather chair, taking off my leather jacket and flicking my smooth, silky hair out of my face, I began to sip my ice water that the waitress had graciously poured for me. “Big date?”, she asked while seating me. “You have no idea”, I replied back, with a sly grin on my face. Not yet knowing I was waiting for Bigfoot, the waitress did not understand my innuendo, and instead walked away quickly with a concerned look on her face. She may have considered phoning the police, but I’m no detective.
As I took a sip of my ice water, hoping for it to calm my nerves a little, something happened. Something I hadn’t been prepared for. The water went down the wrong pipe and I began furiously coughing, as if out of nowhere. After three or four large coughs, people began staring at me, so I elected to try to hold the next one in. As my body began urging me to cough the wrong pipe water up, I ignored its plea and held it in. My face began turning red, like a sun-dried tomato and tears began to fall down my eyes. The waitress came back to refill my glass, but upon seeing my state, again ran away, this time a lot quicker. Unable to contain the cough any further, I feverishly let it out, while unable to contain the loud moaning that came with it. As more and more people began looking in my direction, I knew I’d have to get them off my trail. “That’s some good water”, I said, with a sly grin on my face. Perfect, I thought to myself. I’m ready for my date.
As time crept forward little by little, I became more and more nervous about him finally showing up. I knew it was only a matter of time and the anticipation was like a dagger in the heart and in the penis, at the same exact time. He’s not going to like you, I told myself over and over. How stupid am I to think I’d ever have a chance with him? I began hitting myself in the leg over how stupid I had been. People had again begun looking in my direction, so I tried to play it cool and ordered an appetizer. “Yeah, I’ll have the suicide hot wings while I wait for my date, I see that you have to sign a waiver for them?”
The girl waitress that had given me my water was gone, and a big, burly black man stood in her place instead. “Yeah”, he said, in a big, burly black man voice. “In case you die, we won’t be held responsible”. “Perfect”, I replied. “Just the way I like them”. The waiter walked away, without responding back. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my previous waitress across the hall. She had a concerned look on her face and was pointing in my direction with what looked like a manager standing next to her. “Damn”, I said to myself. If this doesn’t go well, it looks like she’s interested too.
Minutes later, the waiter brought out the hot wings. I scribbled my name next to the waiver he brought me, and then prepared myself. There were six wings in total, and I ate the entirety of them without any issue whatsoever. When the waiter came back over to check on me, I gave him my best chump laugh. “They weren’t even hot”, I scoffed, with a sly grin on my face.” “Whatever”, he said, while walking away. Minutes later, however, I began feeling an intense tingling sensation in my tongue. I began sweating profusely, and like the coughing fit from earlier, tears began streaming out of my eyes. I drank what water I had left, but the sensation continued. Seconds later, my mouth felt like a seering volcano, mad at the World for only being able to erupt once every billion years. And baby, it was eruption time. I began coughing again, and it felt like I was about to throw up lava any second. As I wiped away the sweat on my face, I neglected to see the wing sauce residue that was still on my fingers and accidentally wiped some in my eye.
Trying to keep my cool, I realized at that point that I needed to accept the fact I’d never see out of that eye again. I’d have to buy an eyepatch, and they’d call me Eyepatch Pat from now on. That’d be my life now. Not wanting to make a scene, however, I sat there and took it, while the suicide hot wings took over my body. The sweat had gotten to the seat of the chair and became increasingly damp. I could no longer physically open my right eye and I saw flashes as people began taking pictures of me.
“Damn”, I said to myself. “I’m gonna have to turn down the charm a little or my date’s gonna get jealous.”
As I continued to sit there, my entire being now being entirely made up of magma, I finally saw him. The ground was trembling beneath him as he approached me, and the few people left in the restaurant that I hadn’t already scared off had took off running. I could only see out of my left eye, and even that was a blur, but deep inside my heart, I knew what I was seeing. My date, Bigfoot, had finally arrived. He was big alright, as was I. “Nice to meet you”, I said, extending my arm in the wrong direction, given my compromised and rapidly deteriorating vision. “AHWHAHHUIHHGHGHH”, he responded back. Just like that, I felt an instant connection. He got me. This is going to be the start of something beautiful.