d2jsp
d2jsp Forums > Diablo 2 Discussion > Strategy & Guides > Stoutwood's Guide To 0wning Everyone At Pk > Repost
1239Next
Closed New Topic New Poll
mainaman
#1 Apr 2 2008 07:26pm
Group: Member
Posts: 26,886
Joined: Oct 14 2005
Gold: 260.00
This guide was written by Stoutwood, and I think its quite relevant , and entertaining piece to read, enjoy.

Stoutwood's Guide to 0wning Everyone at PK

1. Customizing Your Keyboard
The first thing you need to do in order to be a Godly PKer is to customize your keyboard. While you can buy keyboards designed specificaly for l337 speech (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v210/Stoutwood/r0x0r.jpg)at your nearest gaming store, the true pros tailor their keyboards to their own specific needs. The only tool required for this delicate process is some sort of prying tool remove certain keys.

No PKer should ever have a functional shift key or spacebar. Since you will never be using either of these while talking to people, they must be the first things to go. Tape down the caps lock key so that everyone is guaranteed to see it when you type "NOOB" or "LOL U SUX". Finally, remove the letters that you are least likely to use, or preferably, all letters.

In order to show the sheer magnitude of your intelligence, your sentences must be as illegible as possible. This can be best accomplished by substituting as many letters for numbers as humanly possible. However, if you are still new to the world of PK, then condensing all of your sentences into acronyms will still work.

2. Insulting People/Learning to Type
This is the core of PK. If you can't tell other people how badly they suck at this game, how will your skills as a gamer ever improve? This is why every Godly PKer must first master the art of Name Calling. This ability is so advanced in nature that only the most mature people utilize this skill. The timing of this is not relevent. In fact, feel free to do it if you die, kill a person, or are just sitting in town and occasionally running out to steal someone's gold.

Below are words and abbreviations you will need to know:
n00b - This word derives from newbie, which is a slang for "being new at a game". Because only the lowest of creatures are new at a game, this is the worst insult ever concieved. Using this insult will automatically make the recipient inferior to you, therefore making you the winner by default if they should happen to kill you.

LOL - This is an acronym for "Laughing Out Loud" or "Laughing Online". This shows that you are laughing at your opponent, and that your penis is far bigger than his. You can also repeatedly type this out in long chains, for example: "LOLOLOLOLOLO". This intensifies the effect of the word.

ROFL - Sometimes, even the longest string of LOLs isn't enough to show how pathetic your opponent is. This is when you bust out the ROFL. 1 ROFL is equivalent to about 2 million LOLs.

OMG - This word is used to express surprise. Use in sentences like "OMG UR G33R SUX".

WTF - Use this word whenever someone kills you. It is usually followed by a phrase explaining why the person who killed you is such a n00b.

0wn - This word shows how superior you are to your oppenent. There are very few mes when you can't use the word 0wn. You can use it when referring to gear, classes, other peoples' skills when compared to yours, movies, etc. If you really want to be a badass, then use the word "pwn" instead. Replacing the "0" with a "p" shows what a rebel you are.

There are several other words and abbreviations, but these are by far the most important. Feel free to turn any sentence you have into another acronym. Also make sure to use as much profanity and homosexual references as you can fit into the typing field. Since you won't have your space bar, condensing these words into one big long jumble of capital letters is perfectly fine. Finally, make sure you repeat what you say several times. Sometimes people don't realize that you were typing to them, so filling the entire screen with the same sentence is a great way to let them know why they are a n00b.

3. Making Your Character
Now that you have perfected your online social skills, it is time for you to select you character. In v1.09, there were only two to pick from. These were the Bowazon and the Nova Sorc. Now that 1.10 is out, there are a total of 6 characters to choose from. They are:
Hammerdin
Bone Necro
Trapsin
Blizzard Sorc
Wind Druid
WW Barb with 39 PDSCs

Make sure that you choose the Hammerdin or the Bone Necro. This is because they can spam massive amounts of unresistable damage at 125% FCR. When it comes time to build your character, simply go into any channel, forum, or baal run and say "how do u make *insert character type here*??? tell me exact stats and gear!!! Since there is only one way to make any character, what they say will no doubt be the correct way. At this point do exactly what they said, and buy whatever items they suggest. Since anyone who is considering making a PK character obviously has at least 3000 runes, buying the items you need shouldn't be a problem.

4. Naming Your Character
Your game handle is basically your signature, everyone will refer to you by your name so you ought to pick one that reflects your interests and hobbies. Also make sure that your name instills fear in your opponent. For example: dragonkillerX or shaq-fu.

So you can't exactly think of something off the top of your head? Don't worry, just take this survey:

Which TV shows do you watch?

What words sound cool?

Do you want an X in your name?

If you were a Super Saiyan, what level of Super Saiyan would you be?

I would come up with ".:~SSJ8_OPTIMUSKENSHIN-OMEGAX~:."

Make sure to fill up any remaining spaces in the name field with PKPKPKPK so that no one mistakes you for another kind of character. Also, while you will never, EVER use punctuation when typing, it does make a sweet looking decoration for your name.

5. Dueling
Now that your character is made, it's time to kill some n00bs. It is common knowledge that all of the best PKers avoid games targeted at your kind of character. Because you are so Godly, there is no reason to waste you time fighting other characters like yours. Fighting weaker or completely unprepared characters is the true determinant of your skill. Below are some choices you may consider.

Zeal Duels - The games are full of weak melee characters that will be wiped out in 2 seconds by your Godly PKer. Go in, hostile everyone, and kill them all. Stay by the town and spam more hammers and bone spirits so that anyone who walks out is immediately killed. As we all know, nothing shows what a great player you are more than killing naked characters with no weapons, armor, or resists.

Baal Runs - While everyone is at Baal's throne room trying to gain experience, hostile them all and teleport there yourself. Since you undoubtedly have maphack, this will be easy. While they are busy killing minions, come from behind and waste all of them. They will all be geared for killing monsters, so they should be easy kills. Afterwards, feel free to chastise them for being such n00bs. Since you were able to sneak up behind them in a game not intended for dueling, God obviously loves you more and you will be more successful in life than any of them could ever hope to be.

Low Level Duels - Everyone in these games will be level 30 or lower. If your character is 80+, you should be able to take them on with no problems. If they complain, tell them that Diablo is a skill-based game and that there is absolutely no advantage whatsoever to being a higher level than them.

In the unlikely event that your Godly PKer loses a duel, it will be because of one or more of the following reasons:

Lag
Hacks
Misclick
Using a cheap skill that wasn't previously thought to be cheap but now is for the very reason that it killed you
Being a n00b
2v1
Scroll-Lock
You were using the wrong gear

Telling your opponent why they got lucky will impress everyone with your amazing PK skills. From then on simply stay in town and call the person a n00b/homosexual and occasionally step out to cast a few spells, then run back inside. If you happen to kill them, make sure they know it! If you can't kill them, simply spam a few more insults and leave the game. Don't worry though, since he was a n00b, and you're Godly, you still won.

This post was edited by mainaman on Apr 2 2008 07:30pm
Myrddrall9
#2 Apr 2 2008 07:27pm
Group: Member
Posts: 45,508
Joined: May 28 2007
Gold: 1,607.20
An enjoyable read at DII.net and an enjoyable one here tongue.gif
dark-soul
#3 Apr 2 2008 07:36pm
Group: Member
Posts: 27,756
Joined: Jan 29 2004
Gold: 259.99
lol best guide on this site erm next to myrddralls of course smile.gif

This post was edited by dark-soul on Apr 2 2008 07:36pm
StreetLld
#4 Apr 2 2008 07:42pm
Group: Member
Posts: 285
Joined: Feb 11 2007
Gold: 0.00
lol kickass
S3th
#5 Apr 2 2008 07:45pm
Group: Member
Posts: 35,934
Joined: Oct 20 2007
Gold: 0.00
Quote (Myrddrall9 @ Wed, Apr 2 2008, 08:27pm)
An enjoyable read at DII.net and an enjoyable one here tongue.gif


darcanegel
#6 Apr 2 2008 07:52pm
Group: Member
Posts: 22,517
Joined: Feb 14 2007
Gold: 19.00
I LOLOLOLOLOLOLO'ed.
Pacoquerak
#7 Apr 2 2008 07:53pm
Group: Member
Posts: 9,580
Joined: Feb 2 2008
Gold: Locked
Trader: Scammer
Warn: 30%
omg i want to make one of those chars now
darkkobra
#8 Apr 2 2008 07:59pm
Group: Member
Posts: 42,832
Joined: Jun 26 2005
Gold: 7.02
Warn: 100%
happy.gif

Stickyworthy

This post was edited by darkkobra on Apr 2 2008 07:59pm
Seani
#9 Apr 2 2008 09:00pm
Group: Member
Posts: 21,537
Joined: Jan 3 2006
Gold: 624.00
Lmfao I'm so dueling like this now bangin.gif
Scootertaj
#10 Apr 2 2008 09:07pm
Group: Member
Posts: 5,350
Joined: Jun 13 2006
Gold: 5.00
tongue.gif Cute.
I don't know why blizz sorc is up there, but oh well.
Instead, maybe add a town-hugging bowzon
Go Back To Strategy & Guides Topic List
1239Next
Closed New Topic New Poll