Alright not sure if this is classified as a poem or what but here goes. Rate it 1-10 & lmk your thoughts Jsp

If you look at me you see tha shell if you look past that you see tha hell the torment of getting caught in a moment
Im fearless and tears never come out of my eyes but if you cross me just know its your fucking demize choke on your own pathetic crys
and spit your love n lies in someone elses head cuz my soul is already dead, my souls been crushed ashes to ashes and dust to dust n this darkness residing somewhere within
gainiing momentum with every sin, bloody n scarrred only where you cant see a place you cant go, A place I hope I never have to show

.01/10

You must be in middle school and highly illiterate to post something of this quality.
Even when you try to write something with slang, grammar is necessary.

"this darkness residing somewhere within."

:\

middle school.

This post was edited by onepagememory on Nov 11 2011 08:54am

Just curious but what is your status school wise? What degree do you have or where did you become such an expert in grammar?? Thanks for the rate

Also if you could explain where the grammar is off that would be swell!

This post was edited by Duvallboyzzz on Nov 11 2011 11:02pm

Hi! I was being harsh.

I'm a English (rhetoric) / history major, currently in law school.

There is not a single period.
Your usage of participles is incorrect.
apostrophes are appreciated.
Spelling.
Extended prepositions.
Tense shifts

shall i continue?

Ahh I wasent aware personal written poetry was supposed to be so perfect grammatically! I will revise this and repost it within a few days when I have time and ill pm you the link


e; Please go on as well, everything you list helps me know what is wrong with it grammatically so I can perfect the grammar...I dont want to be sounding like an illiterate high or middle schooler

This post was edited by Duvallboyzzz on Nov 11 2011 11:21pm

hehe

TEACHED^^

You learned that guy a lesson or two

I live in the moment and through my shell i survive. Though u have to see.
I am fearless because i crush any fear driven towards me to try to uproot me.
love can come in a package made of lies. forget accepting that which is not known.
I fight because this is a dark world, there is always an evil to fight.

This post was edited by Mezen on Jan 26 2012 10:49pm