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Sep 29 2017 09:09pm
So I am posting here because literally all my friends left for college. I shit you not lol. So I'm here going to community college, anyway.

My girlfriend is 2 years younger than me, has one year left of high school, I just graduated June 4. We have dated almost 3 and a half years. She broke up with me on Sunday. She said first that she has been feeling really unhappy the last few weeks(we just went engagement ring browsing literally 5 weeks ago) and I ended up buying a ring later without her. It was only a thousand, I don't know if that's a lot or a little for a ring? anyway. She says she has been really unhappy. Like extremely. That she doesn't even know who she is, what she wants to do. She thinks she's ugly, fat, etc. And she has expressed these feelings to her best friend who I'm friends with. And she has also expressed them to me, but like a normal boyfriend(I think) I tell her she isn't these things.

She hasn't been going to class, we both went to private school so the teachers have told me because they worry about her and wanted me to talk to her. So I have been trying to get her to go to class, no luck. We break up, the head coach(I'm coaching middle school basketball this year) for high school, who is like my father(my father passed when I was 7) asks me to talk to her. So I do, even though we aren't together at this point. She says she promises me she will go(I haven't checked on it). I don't want to feel like her parent, but I also feel like its my job to try and help her if she is struggling. Anyway, so all of these things I guess she feels, oh and also, she says she hates that I know exactly what I want to do(I'm going to college for criminal justice) and know my future career, have a full time job etc. I don't know if maybe the age gap, the not knowing what she wants to do her senior year, the engagement talk(Which she brought up, and not to be done this year BTW since she is only in highschool) that is making her feel afraid or something.


Now on to me. I have anger problems, that much is true. I get very frustrated when I think about my dad, not in a hate way though, just the irritation of not having my real dad. He killed himself when I was 8 as I stated above. Now, these problems don't get to the point where I'm abusive physically, not necessarily verbally either, but close. I will blow up over stupid things, but not like a raising my tone. I never raise my tone with her, just the irritation and the way I talk. Just things make me angry and I honestly have no idea why. I have no reason to be, it just happens. I am not as nice as she wants me to be. That's another problem she says. She thinks I play to much video games when I am with her. Which is also probably true. I work full time, go to school full time, and when I am with her I probably play video games 1/3 of the time. But also please note we basically live together. She is at my house probably 5 or 6 nights a week. So it just feels like its normal. We kind of do our own things, she has hobbies, like she beads when shes over, I play video games. So it didn't seem like a problem, and she never addressed the irritation. Anytime she wanted attention, while I was playing, id always come. Always. I never actually put the game before her in a sense. She thinks that I don't treat her right, per the explanations above, because of those two reasons. She thinks she deserves better, even though she doesn't even know her self worth apparently.

So I guess my question is, what do you make of the situation? I literally don't understand at all. Could it because she is becoming panicked with her life changing so fast? I mean she has to make big decisions this year on what she wants to do. But most of this we usually made together. I turned down a full ride at GCU for basketball to stay close to her. Now I'm going to a community college. So I mean for this to happen a few months later, I'm a little upset. And I don't mean angry upset. Sad, confused, and just shocked.
Also you can see her in some of my photos. She literally looks just like that today(weight wise and facial). So you can see she isn't fat at all

Please guys, try to keep the answers serious. Please.

This post was edited by dizzle19 on Sep 29 2017 09:18pm
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Sep 29 2017 09:45pm
Hmm.

Im not sure what to make of the situation but I just have questions that maybe help you in some way?

Could it be that she's being too dependant on you emotionally? as in she's expecting you to devote yourself to her in more than a natural way?

Has anything happened with her family or anyone else that could be making her feel depressed?

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Sep 29 2017 11:43pm
It could be that she has been unhappy for a much longer time than stated.
The sex life could be an issue. She may have wanted to see other people but didn't want to hurt your feelings. Engagement ring at such an early age? Maybe she thought that things are moving too fast. The girl is a sinking ship, and she will drag you down with her. Maybe it's time you move on, and find someone that will appreciate you the way you like.

The anger issues can also be due to your testosterone levels. Being a young bull is difficult to control. You got to take care of yourself and stop making decisions that accommodate her life. This is your life. You can try to help her because you may care deeply about her. However, as a friend, you can only do so much. Is she still living with you? If so, then she got to go. Her insecurity can last a long time. If you really want to help her, then you got to address the problem. And tell her that her attitude towards life is counterproductive. And that she still has to make decisions to improve her life with or without you. She has to face reality because no one can do it for her.

I know that you are more than a little upset. But that anger will cloud your mind from making better decisions for yourself. All is not lost. You are still young. You can still make your life the best that it can be. Just keep moving forward. And don't let any female run your life. You are the leader, not them.


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Sep 30 2017 01:14am
Quote (Katmunk @ Sep 29 2017 08:45pm)
Hmm.

Im not sure what to make of the situation but I just have questions that maybe help you in some way?

Could it be that she's being too dependant on you emotionally? as in she's expecting you to devote yourself to her in more than a natural way?

Has anything happened with her family or anyone else that could be making her feel depressed?


I have thought that before. I think maybe she is to dependent on me. Emotionally and in general. I think I mentioned earlier, its not the first time she has broken down to me about how she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life... And I try explaining to her she is 17... She has time. She just doesn't seem to retain that thought. Nothing family wise. Her parents argue quite a bit, but nothing tragic.

Quote (Malignanttumor666 @ Sep 29 2017 10:43pm)
It could be that she has been unhappy for a much longer time than stated.
The sex life could be an issue. She may have wanted to see other people but didn't want to hurt your feelings. Engagement ring at such an early age? Maybe she thought that things are moving too fast. The girl is a sinking ship, and she will drag you down with her. Maybe it's time you move on, and find someone that will appreciate you the way you like.

The anger issues can also be due to your testosterone levels. Being a young bull is difficult to control. You got to take care of yourself and stop making decisions that accommodate her life. This is your life. You can try to help her because you may care deeply about her. However, as a friend, you can only do so much. Is she still living with you? If so, then she got to go. Her insecurity can last a long time. If you really want to help her, then you got to address the problem. And tell her that her attitude towards life is counterproductive. And that she still has to make decisions to improve her life with or without you. She has to face reality because no one can do it for her.

I know that you are more than a little upset. But that anger will cloud your mind from making better decisions for yourself. All is not lost. You are still young. You can still make your life the best that it can be. Just keep moving forward. And don't let any female run your life. You are the leader, not them.


Well that is what I thought too. Being so young. But it was her idea and I love her immensely, she would even ask a few times if I felt pressured by her. I didn't, because I thought for sure she was the one so it didn't matter how old right? I understand what your saying. Also a lot of our arguments, stem from me talking about myself to much. But the problem is she doesn't do anything to talk about. I'm OBSESSED with winning ok, and so if I lost the game or something, id get extremely frustrated, and it would make her mad. Then it became about myself, because I was treating her poorly over a game. But I mean this game was my life. The game is probably what kept me out of most bad things. She tried sports twice, quit both times. Volleyball once and basketball once. I wanted her to win. Like basketball, I would try to give her tips and things she needs to do better at, but all she would see them as is criticizing her?? I was MVP 2 years in a row... I think I know 1 or 2 things about the game, and id tell her that, so than it was making her feel "small". It was petty things like this example that we would argue about. Literally, after my last season ended in march-april, we hardly argued. Maybe a 5 times in the last 6 months.
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Sep 30 2017 02:57am
High school drama/emo phase, she's going through IMHO. it will pass.

But I'll ofc go more into depth with all this ;)

You shouldn't have given up that GCU for basketball. You seem to be of sound mind, therefore I think you could've made it work, until she finished school and moved closer to you. (as for her to be willing to make it work long distance... would not have been easy)

I found it funny that, the coach/father figure, and the school teachers, asked you to talk to her. Is there no in school counselor? They could've called her and asked her to just come and talk, privately, without involving others. That should've been the correct course to approach her. She has to feel safe to share her emotions to someone other than the people around her.

Getting angry about lost family members is only normal. But you need to accept it, and think of the good times. As long as you think negatively about it, you wont be able to benefit from the positives part of it all, which is terrible...
No one should get mad while remembering a death, they should cherish the memory of the time they had together, not the time lost.
It's been years. The more you choose to remember the pain of not having a father, like most of the people around you (which you shouldn't even care, you are you) the more you insult the life he lived with you.

Back to her, lol. (need to keep such conversation funny, mellow it out, shit gets deep sometimes, hard to swallow for some)
Anywho, like people said, she's young. She needs to find HERSELF. And to do so, usually means getting out and living life, solo. You can't tell her, teach her everything, they have to live<experience<learn it for themselves, no matter what it is. This is something alot of ppl have a hard time comprehending. You can help and advise all you want, but they themselves have to live it.
You can talk to her, that's about all. Explain yourself, tell her to seek guidance elsewhere (wont be easy to accept at 17), tell her you'll be there for her if she needs it, as a friend. Give her space to find herself.
Which means, if she agrees, you move on with your life.

Try returning that ring, or find out how long time you have to return it, you never know after 1 heart to heart talk, she might get better.

In conclusion, there's much more we can get into, but we are all giving opinion with what you've told us.

All I've said is in my opinion. Some words might be harsh, depending on how you look at them, but needed to be said.

Best of luck! :D

e - typos

This post was edited by James84 on Sep 30 2017 03:02am
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Sep 30 2017 10:47am
I went through something very similar.
I was with my boyfriend for 4 years (high school sweethearts)
and then I panicked i didnt know what to do, we graduated highschool, i didnt know who i was, or anything like that, almost the exact same shit, i felt depressed, and lonely, and unhappy, and you know what we even did go engagement ring shopping.

Personally, what I needed was, I needed something so extreme to happen to me and to him, to create a shock.
and honestly, it was a gamble but it worked,
we were broken up for about 2 weeks, and in that 2 weeks, he was begging for me, I saw a different side of him, and I saw a different sidde of my self. Graned 2 weeks was a very short time, but it was also the only time we have ever actually broken up. so it had felt like a month tbh.

anyways, going down the line, if you show her effort, I believe she will come back to you.
I know it sounds cliche, but it is cliche for a reason, buy her flowers every friday, or every 3 days, show her litle tokens of affection. Don't be annoying with it , just drop it off at her house, or something then go away. Show her love from a distance, dont smother her in it, or you may scare her off.

what ended up happening for me was, 2 months later we got engaged,
and now we have been almost 8 years strong.

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Sep 30 2017 12:34pm
Quote (James84 @ Sep 30 2017 01:57am)
High school drama/emo phase, she's going through IMHO. it will pass.

But I'll ofc go more into depth with all this ;)

You shouldn't have given up that GCU for basketball. You seem to be of sound mind, therefore I think you could've made it work, until she finished school and moved closer to you. (as for her to be willing to make it work long distance... would not have been easy)

I found it funny that, the coach/father figure, and the school teachers, asked you to talk to her. Is there no in school counselor? They could've called her and asked her to just come and talk, privately, without involving others. That should've been the correct course to approach her. She has to feel safe to share her emotions to someone other than the people around her.

Getting angry about lost family members is only normal. But you need to accept it, and think of the good times. As long as you think negatively about it, you wont be able to benefit from the positives part of it all, which is terrible...
No one should get mad while remembering a death, they should cherish the memory of the time they had together, not the time lost.
It's been years. The more you choose to remember the pain of not having a father, like most of the people around you (which you shouldn't even care, you are you) the more you insult the life he lived with you.

Back to her, lol. (need to keep such conversation funny, mellow it out, shit gets deep sometimes, hard to swallow for some)
Anywho, like people said, she's young. She needs to find HERSELF. And to do so, usually means getting out and living life, solo. You can't tell her, teach her everything, they have to live<experience<learn it for themselves, no matter what it is. This is something alot of ppl have a hard time comprehending. You can help and advise all you want, but they themselves have to live it.
You can talk to her, that's about all. Explain yourself, tell her to seek guidance elsewhere (wont be easy to accept at 17), tell her you'll be there for her if she needs it, as a friend. Give her space to find herself.
Which means, if she agrees, you move on with your life.

Try returning that ring, or find out how long time you have to return it, you never know after 1 heart to heart talk, she might get better.

In conclusion, there's much more we can get into, but we are all giving opinion with what you've told us.

All I've said is in my opinion. Some words might be harsh, depending on how you look at them, but needed to be said.

Best of luck! :D

e - typos


I appreciate what you have said. I don't find it harsh, because I already know its true. As for my father, I know this. Yet I still get upset. I don't always think of the negatives either. Like on of our big things was me my cousin josh(who lived with us) and my dad would all 1v1v1 in Empire Earth. I still play it to the day just because its such a good memory and it makes me happy. I play probably a couple times a week!
As for Madeline, I understand she needs to kind of find herself. I guess why I'm a little confused by it, is why it has to be solo? Why we couldn't grow together you know? But I do understand what you mean.
Quote (Kath @ Sep 30 2017 09:47am)
I went through something very similar.
I was with my boyfriend for 4 years (high school sweethearts)
and then I panicked i didnt know what to do, we graduated highschool, i didnt know who i was, or anything like that, almost the exact same shit, i felt depressed, and lonely, and unhappy, and you know what we even did go engagement ring shopping.

Personally, what I needed was, I needed something so extreme to happen to me and to him, to create a shock.
and honestly, it was a gamble but it worked,
we were broken up for about 2 weeks, and in that 2 weeks, he was begging for me, I saw a different side of him, and I saw a different sidde of my self. Graned 2 weeks was a very short time, but it was also the only time we have ever actually broken up. so it had felt like a month tbh.

anyways, going down the line, if you show her effort, I believe she will come back to you.
I know it sounds cliche, but it is cliche for a reason, buy her flowers every friday, or every 3 days, show her litle tokens of affection. Don't be annoying with it , just drop it off at her house, or something then go away. Show her love from a distance, dont smother her in it, or you may scare her off.

what ended up happening for me was, 2 months later we got engaged,
and now we have been almost 8 years strong.


Thank you Kath! It means a lot to me! I love your story! I am happy that it worked out for you! It does give me some hope in this situation. I did explain to her also, I am here to help her if you want. Me and my girlfriend were also BEST friends before we started dating I should add. We were doing everything together for 2 years before we started dating. We were together everyday of the week when we were friends. And it was great, we got along so good. So I recommended that we should try being friends again, and just completely restarting? It sounds like a good idea to me. I don't know if it is, and a second or third opinion would be nice.

Oh and James84, I do wish I had went to GCU now believe me. I have considered practicing for a bit, and trying to walk on at SOU next year. I just have hardly played in months. I know you don't really lose it, but it makes me nervous. I turned down a D1 opportunity.
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Sep 30 2017 04:43pm
you're young and both far from being what you're going to end up as that's really what it can be whittled down to

move on and live and learn and realize that a lot of the best relationships are people that find each other later down the line after it ends closer to the beginning

find who you are by being better than you were every day or at the very least die trying and maybe down the road you'll have another shot together

you're not too young to love or to feel passionately but you are too young and inexperienced to have any idea about pretty much anything right now which is why you both need to get out their and put some mileage on your souls to figure out some shit

you guys can do the young miserable couple trying to work it out while she pops out babies but my advice would be move on, for now



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Sep 30 2017 08:48pm
Quote (Beowulf @ Sep 30 2017 03:43pm)
you're young and both far from being what you're going to end up as that's really what it can be whittled down to

move on and live and learn and realize that a lot of the best relationships are people that find each other later down the line after it ends closer to the beginning

find who you are by being better than you were every day or at the very least die trying and maybe down the road you'll have another shot together

you're not too young to love or to feel passionately but you are too young and inexperienced to have any idea about pretty much anything right now which is why you both need to get out their and put some mileage on your souls to figure out some shit

you guys can do the young miserable couple trying to work it out while she pops out babies but my advice would be move on, for now


This is probably accurate.
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Sep 30 2017 08:58pm
Quote (dizzle19 @ Sep 30 2017 07:48pm)
This is probably accurate.


my best friends in the entire world are ex girlfriends

sometimes romantic relationships don't work out and that's fine and a common part of life but sometimes the friendships are much stronger than the romantic love or feelings so maybe the friendship can last in between even if a break is necessary for now

things change and change doesn't usually have to be negative as long as you approach it with a positive attitude


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