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Apr 13 2017 04:08pm
Hello:

This is the first time I've ever posted a problem of mine on the internet and I'm resorting to this because I really need some help. I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but JSP has been the only online community I've ever been a part of so here it goes...

I'm Korean-American, so maybe other Asians can relate a little better, but hopefully anyone can give me advice. I was always afraid of my father... but it took a turn when he decided to try to make me a professional golfer at the age of 13. It was never a real endeavor of mine, but I continued to pursue it because my Dad was forcing me to. It was my Dad's dream to see me on the PGA Tour, traveling around the world and playing a game for a living. Successful Professional Tour players make a darn good living, and he always hoped that I didn't need to be like him, being stuck at a office for 10 hours a day. He gave it his 100% to see me thrive.

This came with severe berating and punishments. If I played a bad round of golf, I would be trembling to see him come home. Looking back at it now... I wonder how my dad could inflict so much pain to his son because of a darn game... I would be punished like I got caught selling drugs at school every time.

I was never the best golfer, but I was somewhat decent. I reached Division 2 college golf, only to be kicked out of the team after one year, due to experiencing the college life and living with no supervision. I, sometimes, blame myself for not trying harder, but deep down inside, I don't think I was ever good enough to compete at the biggest stage.

My Dad finally gave me some freedom after college. He wanted me to explore the world and figure out what I wanted to do on my own. I, now at 26 years old, ended up finding the love of my life who I am extremely happy with and I currently work as an assistant at a talent agency. Since the motto in the entertainment industry is "You should pay to work here" because everyone is fighting to get in the door, I don't get paid very much . I'm barely getting by working 2 jobs and I racked up about $20,000 in credit card debt over 3 years.

My Dad, being in the car industry, decided to check my credit one day and saw how much debt that I had. He decided to pay for all of it completely against my wishes. I understand I am extremely fortunate to be in this position, but it really ticked me off that he just goes off and checks my credit... I really value my privacy.

My Dad called for a meeting and decided that my life isn't the life to be living. I shouldn't be living on my own yet, I shouldn't be working at my job that I love, I shouldn't have a woman by my side. We ended up having another one of those painful arguments that I was used to having growing up.

He told me to come work for him at his job saying that I can make 4 times what I am making now.

So this is where my problem lies.... Should I go work for my Dad or find another job? (I can be a talent agent on the side). I know my father loves me and wants the best for me... I know I will be financially secure working under him.... But at the same time, I am deeply afraid of him... Talking to him is frightening to me and spending 8-10 hours a day sitting right next to him is even more frightening. I'm afraid that I will lose my freedom because he is extremely controlling to start with and now he would be my boss.

TLDR:
Afraid of Dad due to emotional abuse growing up
Dad offers me job because I'm in trouble financially.
Need to spend 8-10 hours a day working for controlling Dad
I will make more working under Dad than anywhere else
Is it worth it?

Any input would be amazing. Thank you very much for spending your time reading about a random guy's problem.
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Apr 14 2017 12:45am
Like Hoo would say.
You need to do what YOU want.

I recommend not working for your dad, you need to stand up and do what you want. He doesn't own you or control you.

The credit card thing is annoying, you could start paying him back and telling him how you feel about that situation too.

Also, i realize this will likely be difficult but only you can do these things.

This post was edited by GLYC123 on Apr 14 2017 12:45am
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Apr 14 2017 06:07am
Wow, I'm sorry to hear that man. Like the above poster said, do what YOU want to do.
You're 26 years old and although the money is good it's obvious the relationship with your father is something that is not and that will prevent you from being happy.
If you want to improve it, talk to him like a man and improve it over time but I wouldn't recommend jumping into the workplace with him.

However, he paid off your credit card bill because he cares about you and doesn't want to see you struggle.
So he is being somewhat of a good Dad and that's something you should build on but when you're ready to do it.

Tell him you really appreciate the opportunity, you may take him up on it in a few years, but right now you need to find yourself, find what makes YOU happy and become a man without a babysitting Dad.
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Apr 14 2017 11:56am
I'd say wait it out for a second and see what you need/want more.

Can you leave the job/quit the job if you want?
Is money very important at the moment?
What do you want at the moment and what would you want later after that moment?
Maybe sit down and talk with your dad saying you're exploring other options before considering his? doing this will give you time to think whether or not money is really important compared to a stable relationship with your gf/father.
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Apr 14 2017 01:36pm
Quote (LolV @ Apr 14 2017 10:56am)
I'd say wait it out for a second and see what you need/want more.

Can you leave the job/quit the job if you want?
Is money very important at the moment?
What do you want at the moment and what would you want later after that moment?
Maybe sit down and talk with your dad saying you're exploring other options before considering his? doing this will give you time to think whether or not money is really important compared to a stable relationship with your gf/father.


I most likely won't be able to quit the job... My Dad has built a client/account base over 30 years, and he plans to hand them off to me. And If I quit, then basically I'm destroying the "family" business. It's not his own business, so there is nothing to sell. It's just going to put more pressure on me to stay.

Money is important to me at the moment. It's getting harder for me to survive and this is because I wanted to pursue what I want to do. There is a future in my field, but I definitely need to find a better paying job at this point.

It seems to me that most people do not have good experiences working with their father. But is the financial security/stability worth being potentially controlled by my father at the age of 26. The controlling feels inevitable to me at this point.

I had my tire explode this morning in the middle of the freeway this morning and there was only person I needed to turn to for help. My Dad....

It feels pathetic for me at this point to be this reliant on my Dad. I'm trying to get away from it, but at the same time, isn't this what family is for?

I'm very confused.

This post was edited by Confidence on Apr 14 2017 01:42pm
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Apr 14 2017 01:41pm
Well people do end up going into the family business especially if it's successful such as yours.

IF money is important and the future in your field is seeming meh, then I suggest you wait it out for a bit and tell your dad you'll think about it until a better opportunity from your field arises.

Buuut on the offchance your future is not set on the career path you're on and you don't get any better offers, I'd say go work with your dad and sort out the issues you're having at home with him. You should bond with him, sit him down and tell him everything from how he's made you feel as a child and how that's affected you to this day, I'm pretty sure he will listen with open ears at this point in your life.
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Apr 15 2017 04:40am
There is nothing to be ashamed of being somewhat reliant on your parents, i am studying, am 26 living alone and am in mich more debt than you were. My father is planning to take care of it for me, which I appreciate, since I will pay him back. At least I don't have to pay the insane amounts of interest to him.

I took the student loan to not be dependant on him, but tbh he helped me out so much with so many things, I can't was I wasn't dependant on him. It just made my life that much easier. I have so much more to say on this topic, but I won't put that here.

My father has been insanely strict with me during my entire childhood and always had the highest of expectations for me, only to be disappointed over and over again and get really mad at me, also punishing me alot. It ended up almost ruining my parents marriage, that's a different story.

I can absolutely understand what you are talking about, I lived similar my whole life.

To make this short:

You need to do what you love, not what others expectations demand from you. you will be probably doing it for the rest of your life.

Talk to your father. This has really helped me. Not everyone feels comfortable and can speak to their parents about everything. But it is never the better option not to explain yourself to someone you are that uncomfortable around.

I'm on the run and don't have much time to type more but if you ever want to drink a beer and have a chat on discord or whatever, you know how the message function works I guess.

Regards,

Nic
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Apr 17 2017 10:32pm
Learn from your father. Obviously if he created success from hard work it is in your DNA.

You have got to stand up and set some boundaries. You have to grow a pair of nuts one day. Standing up and setting the boundaries will not only establish your stance, it'll show him you're not going to be pushed around.

HOWEVER

Don't let making a living, prevent you from making a life.


You get one life and you should be happy. If you already know your industry has a future. Why don't you exceed the title of your job and push the limits. Find out what made others successful. Fight for it. Making your own path will feel much better in the end.
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Apr 19 2017 03:44am
It took me awhile to think of a way to word this, but you have one father. Some, some would kill for the chance to just have one last chance, one last talk, one phone call to say I love you or ask for advice.

If there is one thing we can be assured of, it is that we are fatal, and flawed. Some men commit such egregious atrocities and unspeakable lies that we cannot help but disassociate and move on.

Is this something you can do? I guarantee you no matter what, from EVERYTHING I've deduced and read, that your father loves you unconditionally and without regard for much else, including your feelings. He's always going to be your captain and your sire.

He would respect your need to distance, your right to privacy, your hunger to explore your own world, and your sincere reliance on his wallet, his wisdom, and his very life, whether it be his marriage or relationship to work or anything. He would take the logical step as all men of the Orient do, and would make you sincerely tread upon his experience and domain with a firm resolve and stoic demeanor.

Or, one can hope.

You have got to at some point realize that he is no more a man than you are, and that when you give him respect, and talk to him as such, he will in his own way, do unto you the same.

You may not see it now, but as Gandalf says to Frodo, "do not be quick to hand out judgment" or something in that fashion. You cannot see all ends and neither can he. Stand up to him, but be confident and sincere about it.

I, for one, on a subjective level of empathy, would always work for my dad given the opportunity. That man has taught me more than any library full of tree leaves and any breath someone of any educated background could ever hope to mutter. I revere that man, and dread the day when I cannot rely on him. It will be crushing.

And the only thing I'll have left is what he's done for me, painted in lessons I carry on as opinion, scars upon my body, and a clear conscience.

Can you do the same? Can you be the man your father yearns for you to be? I'm not so high-brow that I look down on any person. But I aspire to be a man my dad can trust and shake hands with. Any man over 40 had earned that respect, even when they commit those egregious errors. Lessons taught and absorbed. That's all we can do unto the men we uncontrollably release into this world.

Be bold my friend. Be bold and be proud.
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Apr 19 2017 04:10am
If I were you I'd take the job, and I hate my dad too. You're not a little kid anymore, you can probably whoop his ass. Do not be afraid of him and don't let him bully you either. Cheers.
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